The Professor's Journey

[professor13]

Day One.
I'm not sure where to start. I'm about to turn 42. I've got a bad case of ED. I left my job in February and the new one didn't pan out like I had hoped, so I lost any sense of structure I once had. Too complicate this even more, I've got ADHD, which really benefits from having more structure.

Not having a job and being alone in the house during this pandemic has made it incredibly difficult to quit. My wife believes that I've managed to quit for five days, but honestly the most I've managed to do is 3. I've gotten hooked on Cam sites. Another detail I don't feel like I can tell my wife. I'm so sick of doing this alone. It came to a head a little over a week ago. I binged on a cam site and spent way more than I ever had in one sitting. I could have bought a PlayStation 5 with as much as I spent. I've got a private credit card, so the wife never see the transactions, and I'm going to be spending several months of fun money just trying to pay everything off.

I've gotten to know some of the girls on the cam sites. It's so easy to believe that they care about you, and at some level I think a few of them actually do care. But at the end of the day, it's a business, and I'm a paying customer. When you factor in the isolation of the pandemic and no work, it's been so easy to hop online and chat with my "friends" on the cam sites. I've been online so regularly, that I can pretty much guarantee I will have a rapport with at least one girl any time I log on. It's made it difficult to leave, because it means saying goodbye to them and losing that connection.

I've avoided coming to these forums or joining a group for a long time. No offense, but it's kind of like swapping out the fun a brothel where everyone knows my name, to sit around in a "sausage party" of forum. I hope that's not too harsh. But I'm just trying to keep things real with where I am right now. This might sound a little messed up, but I'm hoping there are women in this forum. I would love to hear a woman's perspective on this.

I want to dedicate myself to my wife. I want to work on things. I want to make it more than three days. I hope that I can. Any encouragement would be nice, I'm tired of beating myself up over this.

 

[professor13]

Day Two.
Another day, an another struggle. I went the cam sites again today. I didn't do anything while I was there. I did check in with a couple girls there, and then left. I'm not sure if that counts as a completely porn free day, but I left before I felt any urges to do more than just say hi. The good news is that I had a few friends IRL reach out to me while I was there; It was a little serendipitous but having a friend reach out to say hi was an excellent interruption to help me leave the site before anything else happened.

I talked with my therapist about it, and I think that I'm looking for several things on the site: Validation, Sex, and Connection. I've felt so distant from everyone for so long since the pandemic and now that I'm unemployed. I need people around me to keep me in check.

 

[TryingHarder]

Welcome, Professor. This forum might be a sausage party, but it's a lot of sausages that are dealing with the same problems and are sharing their experiences. And, of course, sausages that want to quit porn.

Good that you're talking to a therapist. If they haven't recommended it already, two important steps lie ahead of you: 1. a 90 day reboot with no porn, sex, or digital stimulation, and 2. having an honest conversation with your wife and confessing that you're struggling. Although these things can be really difficult, they are very much the cornerstones for almost everyone trying to beat a porn addiction.

There are a few women on this forum. You might want to start with this section, but be warned: it's a difficult read, but in a good way. You want a woman's perspective? That's where you will find it! And this thread is a discussion on the relative lack of women here.

 

[Simon2]

Welcome! For me coming here has made a huge difference. I find it easier to keep to my commitments and I can come here when I feel the urge to seek out P... helps to clear the mind every time!

 

[joepanic]

Welcome to the "Sausage Party" In a nutshell I have been an addict since I was 14 or so and I am now 51 I have had clean periods and real struggles currently finishing day 11. I am not always the most popular guy around here especially with a few of the partners. Sometimes I think they forget everyone's story is different. But i feel generally we addicts are all painted with the same brush. If your looking for a woman's perspective than start with your wife. It's funny i say that as i haven never told my wife I was actually addicted to porn. She knew I surfed it and couldn't have cared less as I always put her 1st and never suffered from any ed. I am quitting for my own reasons and I have my reasons for not letting her know I was actually addicted. It sort of falls under the "it's complicated" category. I believe its fine to read their stories lord knows I have read more than a few. But I have a hard time taking advice from someone who doesn't actually know my full story. Have you really dug deep to come to terms as to why you continue to indulge in porn? I really had to dig deep and really look at my past as well as my present to come to some conclusions as to why I continued on long after I was married. Some of the conclusions really did surprise me and I was able to work on some of them and find change in myself as well as my marriage. All for the better

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[professor13]

Welcome! For me coming here has made a huge difference. I find it easier to keep to my commitments and I can come here when I feel the urge to seek out P... helps to clear the mind every time!

I think I'm going to try posting. It's really good to see people sharing their thoughts on my experience here as well. Thanks for that.

 

[professor13]

Day Two.
Another day, an another struggle. I went the cam sites again today. I didn't do anything while I was there. I did check in with a couple girls there, and then left. I'm not sure if that counts as a completely porn free day, but I left before I felt any urges to do more than just say hi. The good news is that I had a few friends IRL reach out to me while I was there; It was a little serendipitous but having a friend reach out to say hi was an excellent interruption to help me leave the site before anything else happened.

I talked with my therapist about it, and I think that I'm looking for several things on the site: Validation, Sex, and Connection. I've felt so distant from everyone for so long since the pandemic and now that I'm unemployed. I need people around me to keep me in check.

I should note that my wife knows about my porn addiction, it's the type of porn, ie cam sites that I haven't shared with her. If I'm being completely honest, sometimes it feels like I need more attention than any one person can give. It so easy to login to the site and say hello to someone who, on the surface cares. The girls know about my recent cancer diagnosis, they listen when I'm feeling down. They are in their own way supportive. That makes it hard to leave. If I leave the sites, I'm alone, and I'm afraid of being alone in my head right now.

 

[professor13]

I've been drawing more and more lately as a means of getting my mind off of P. Here is one that I did today. I pulled it from a video game that I've been playing as research for a game company I hope to work for one day.

​

 

[professor13]

Day Three
11:18am
Relapsed immediately after posting last night. I'm so frustrated with myself. There is so much going on in my life on top of trying to quit, I just feel incredibly overwhelmed. Job hunting, cancer diagnosis where I'm being passed around from doctor to doctor (I'm on doctor number 5 now), trying to quit porn. I was just exhausted from everything and just didn't feel like I had the strength to stay away.

 

[Simon2]

Stay strong. Things WILL get better. Gaining control over your addiction can be one good thing to start happening. Find something to take you away from porn when you're tempted. Something else you love... But I know - It's hard. I've been in that spot so many countless times over the years.

 

[professor13]

Stay strong. Things WILL get better. Gaining control over your addiction can be one good thing to start happening. Find something to take you away from porn when you're tempted. Something else you love... But I know - It's hard. I've been in that spot so many countless times over the years.

Thanks, I appreciate the support. Reading messages like this make it easier to forgive myself for these slips. I think the guilt is part of the problem.

 

[GBS]

Hi @professor13 . All your problems are things we totally understand. It’s hard being like this knowing you should stop but temptation being so close by. I get urges first thing in the morning (like right now) and so I log on here and read posts to increase my resolve, It works. Then you get rewards along the way as your brain heals.

But it’s still effing hard. I the hardest and best thing I have ever done. Keep going.

 

[professor13]

Day four
Had some success last night. So that's something to celebrate. I'm well rested today, and feeling a little bit better. Decided to experiment with a new drawing program today. Art is very meditative for me and provides me with a good escape from all the things that seem to be in flux right now.

I'm not sure how I feel about the clouds or even the line work of the tower, but the colors are pretty at least.

I want to thank all the folks that have been commenting on my entries: @GBS @SimonM @TryingHarder It's wild to get responses so quickly when I post on a forum. Most of the time things go out into the ether I never hear back. So thanks again!

 

[professor13]

Day four
View attachment 685Had some success last night. So that's something to celebrate. I'm well rested today, and feeling a little bit better. Decided to experiment with a new drawing program today. Art is very meditative for me and provides me with a good escape from all the things that seem to be in flux right now.

I'm not sure how I feel about the clouds or even the line work of the tower, but the colors are pretty at least.

I want to thank all the folks that have been commenting on my entries: @GBS @SimonM @TryingHarder It's wild to get responses so quickly when I post on a forum. Most of the time things go out into the ether I never hear back. So thanks again!

Keep fighting the urge to go and check in on the sites. I'm in that moment of the day where I'm tired, but my wife is still at work. If I wanted to be discrete, I could. So I'm typing here instead, hoping that the moment will eventually pass. In a weird way the cancer diagnosis is helping in that I've got people reaching out to me on a fairly regular click right now. That might taper off soon though as my diagnosis becomes old news.

 

[professor13]

Day six... we'll call it.

The past few days haven't been perfect. A few slip ups here and there, but overall I've been go to the cam sites less and less. It's kind of rough time for me. I went to the doctor about the melanoma yesterday. They are referring to the cancer as intermediate now, and I'm scheduled to get surgery on August 1st. I'll have to be asleep while they do it, and it's on a place on my neck where there is risk of them cutting a nerve. I'm scared.

I broadcast all over social media what is going on before I found out about surgery, and I've been getting a bunch of responses back, but most people don't actually reach out. They leave their comments on the post, dust off their hands and pat themselves on the back for a job well done. This for the exception of my mother who has called every single day, and seems to insist that I answer and call her back constantly. It's exhausting to feel like I have to take care of her worry through all of this. I've got enough worry for myself, and I don't want to deal with all of hers.

The stress of the cancer and surgery and not having a job have all compounded on me the past few days. On one hand, I've had plenty of distractions from from porn, and some of the interactions that I had with friends have far outweighed the relatively surface level interactions I would get with the cam girls. But then there are those brief moments when I'm alone and the notifications on my phone have stopped. Those moments are the hardest.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@professor13 are there other thing that can occupy you? Books? A loving pet?

I recently came to the idea that the only person who will love us completely unconditionally is our mother.
I learnt this by watching my wife with my son. I am mainly here to support her loving him

Having said that, i find it a blessing that your mom is around and loving you deeply still.

Please receive her love. Just receive. It is good for you. Very very good. I wish you well.

 

[professor13]

Day 18
I've managed to stay away from porn more than normal with occasional slip ups. But it's not the daily thing it used to be. So I guess that progress is progress. I had a talk with my mom and she's dialed back the calls and given me some space while still being supportive. I've been getting support from all over the place and it's kind of full time job in and of itself.

I'm glad that I can talk to my wife about it, but the guilt of her checking in on it makes it difficult to be open when I screw up. I don't want to lie, but she's so directly invested in my progress that I'm not sure she's the best person for accountability. She can be forgiving if we are still sexually active, but since the cancer diagnosis our intimacy has taken a hit. It's difficult, and it has me question intimacy in our relationship as a whole. I'm left wondering if the spark will ever be there again. Will I ever be excited for sex with my wife again. I just don't know.

I hate to doubt the whole marriage, and I hate to lose our friendship. Maybe this isn't the forum to discuss such things. I don't know if porn addiction and my lack of interest in my wife are completely intertwined or more of an overlapping vin diagram for a larger issue. If I were single I'm not sure the cam girl site would be quite as alluring, or even porn. I just don't know. I'm glad there is relative anonymity here. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable writing about this in public space otherwise.

 

[professor13]

Day 25
I've been talking with my therapist once a week. I've not really had the same kind of desire to look at porn as I did before. The cam sites have been less appealing lately. I'm starting to wonder if it was porn that I needed, or if I just wanted to connect with women. I don't go to the porn sites hardly at all anymore, and I mostly go to the cam sites to see if I know someone online to talk to. Surgery is done, and I'm just waiting to here back from the biopsy about cancer. It's put so much into perspective. I'm wondering what I'm doing with my life. At my age, I have to wonder if I'm missing out on the potential for more in my life than what I've got.