I am done with this

[Zach]

I have been fighting this fight for the past 8-9 years for the most part on my own with help from my wife when I am not lying to her about it. I was doing ok with not looking or watching anything, but then I put in for an apprenticeship at my work and was really stressed out about the potential of not getting it. I relapsed and fell back into porn. I ended up getting the job but at a high cost.

About a week and a half ago my wife asked how I have been doing with my addiction. She has a real keen sense on when I have relapsed. Sure I enough I lied through my teeth. Tell her I have been doing good and not watching anything when I really want to say I have screwed up and looked at it. After I think ok step it up and stop looking, like that actually happened. I kept looking on and off. Would go a couple days and be good then would end up looking. Well last night she asked again and this time I told her the truth.

I feel so ashamed and disgusting with myself. I want to kick this addiction and be the man she deserves.

Anyways thanks for reading my first entry.

This is day 1 of being clean with hopefully many more to come.

 

[Onmyway19]

Brave of you to share with us. You're taking a great 1st step in coming here. There's an abundance of resources to help here. Take the time to read others journals and don't be afraid to ask for guidance. You're not alone in this.

 

[Zach]

So start of day 2 and not off to a good start. Getting off of night shift and one of my coworkers goes here loon at this. It was a website that you can order woman to come over to your house from. He shows me some woman that he essentially ordered offline to come to his house this afternoon. Now I am trying to get it out of my head. Luckily I have errands to do today that will keep my busy and my daughter is going to accompany me on them so I can't stop and look at that site.

Wish me luck

 

[Onmyway19]

It's all about learning how to cope with those outside influences. This substance is different than any other addictive substance, in that it's nearly impossible to be 100% abstinent. There are influences from everywhere. You will see triggering content, the important thing is how you handle it, or don't handle it. You know what the right decisions are, you just have to make the conscious effort to make that choice.

 

[Zach]

Yesterday was a pretty good day for the most part. Tried to go camping back on some crown land only to find the sites we know about take but the drive was pretty. In the end we came home and had a fire with the brother in law and his fiancé. Made it through day 3 ok now on with day 4.

 

[Zach]

Been busy with work yesterday and by the time I got home I just showered and crashed for the night. Been easier the past two days but not looking forward to the next two. I am going to be home alone and that is when I find the struggle to be good happens. At least tomorrow I will be busy cutting wood for half the day.

Hope everyone has a good day

 

[GeminiMan]

Home alone days can be terrible days especially if you don’t have projects or hobbies lined up . Try filling up your schedule with interesting projects especially for those lonely days and you should be okay .

Good Luck

 

[lightspear42]

You got this Zach! Don't be afraid to try and add an accountability partner to the mix if you can. That would help with the alone days for sure if you could call them up when you are struggling.

 

[Zach]

Days home went pretty good was able to keep busy between cutting firewood and other little projects. Tried to keep off the internet as much as possible so that's why I haven't posted anything since Tuesday.