Hello, everyone.
Dropping by to share that, by now, I've been free from porn for 68 days.
However, I'm not sure if it's time to celebrate. For the past couple of days, I've felt particularly tempted to try taking a small look at porn again. I don't feel like my life is going particularly well, although, on the outside, maybe it could look like it.
Sometimes I still masturbate to try to make myself feel better. Although I try to avoid it, it does happen occasionally. And now part of me feels like it misses looking at porn. I feel like a struggling heroin addict who is stuck in this loop of having a hate-love relationship with his drug of choice and sometimes wonders if sober life is really worth it.
I've recently started my Ph.D. course, and I'm feeling particularly stressed. Besides having my tuition fees to pay, I'm afraid of not being capable of delivering the proper results and falling short in my class. I am also once again having the same feeling I had during my master's degree—that probably the vast majority of my classmates are once again a bunch of untrustworthy, hyper-competitive, and hypocritical social vampires.
This is some really serious stuff because, if things go well academically, I have good chances of getting a scholarship next year that will cover all of my living expenses for the next three or four years. I've always suffered from many financial struggles since I was a kid. That is why I feel like the margin for error is becoming so small. It's like a metaphorical boogeyman, an enemy that represents my failures and fears, is trying to close in on me so that he can choke my throat. Sometimes I feel that if I fail at this, I will become homeless and beaten once and for all. I feel like it's the final round of me against the world.
I'm also struggling with feelings of loneliness. Not only that, but I keep having that sensation of almost always being detached from people. It's as if there's a wall, an invisible barrier, between me and the majority of people.
I'm still training Muay Thai and, hopefully, I don't feel like that at all when I'm training. I enjoy the social company of most people at the gym, unlike at university. The atmosphere is different. I'm progressing, a couple of older classmates even noticed it and told me directly. But it's still going to take a long time to become a truly decent fighter. I've been wondering if training only three times per week is enough. Now that I'm getting better and my physical condition is improving, I feel like it might be time to step up the game. With good consistency, maybe I can compete in amateur fights in one or two years. My coach is a former kickboxing world champion, and he could help me with that.
It would also be good for my mental health. I feel good when I train really hard. Maybe if Muay Thai were more present in my life, that happy sensation would similarly be more prevalent.
I can pay a tiny bit more and start training four times per week, but I'm still unsure of how well that would fit into my new schedule with the Ph.D. and all. It's also tough because my financial situation makes me feel like I have to save every penny. Gotta think. I'll make a decision about that soon, before the month ends.
That's all I've got for now.
See you all soon. Stay strong and good luck.