I Choose to Live

Blondie

Respected Member
Hello Rafael,

I'm so glad everything is working out for you! It's amazing what a month porn free can do to a man and all the extra time and mental power it gives him.

Keep up the great work. That was inspiring to read!

Best
 

rafael92

Member
Sounds really good! You are looking forward, which is how it's supposed to be. Those things you've got going on sound great, practicing Muay Thai seems like a great thing - I need something like that in my life, still figuring out what it is!
Thank you, man!

The more intense a workout is, the more endorphins and feel-good chemicals are released in your body. Because, according to evolution and nature, humans were initially supposed to be very active animals. We're naturally wired to feel good when we start moving, running, and jumping.

Muay Thai is becoming my favorite antidepressant. The only one I've ever tried that actually works. I guess we all need to find our own. I wish I had found mine sooner. It would've saved me from a lot of years of depression.
 

rafael92

Member
Hello Rafael,

I'm so glad everything is working out for you! It's amazing what a month porn free can do to a man and all the extra time and mental power it gives him.

Keep up the great work. That was inspiring to read!

Best
Thank you!

All true. It is amazing what a man can accomplish once he starts feeling human again.

I've also been following your thread, and your course is inspiring. Congratulations on almost 350 days free! What a champ.
 

rafael92

Member
Hello, everyone.

Dropping by to share that, by now, I've been free from porn for 68 days.

However, I'm not sure if it's time to celebrate. For the past couple of days, I've felt particularly tempted to try taking a small look at porn again. I don't feel like my life is going particularly well, although, on the outside, maybe it could look like it.

Sometimes I still masturbate to try to make myself feel better. Although I try to avoid it, it does happen occasionally. And now part of me feels like it misses looking at porn. I feel like a struggling heroin addict who is stuck in this loop of having a hate-love relationship with his drug of choice and sometimes wonders if sober life is really worth it.

I've recently started my Ph.D. course, and I'm feeling particularly stressed. Besides having my tuition fees to pay, I'm afraid of not being capable of delivering the proper results and falling short in my class. I am also once again having the same feeling I had during my master's degree—that probably the vast majority of my classmates are once again a bunch of untrustworthy, hyper-competitive, and hypocritical social vampires.

This is some really serious stuff because, if things go well academically, I have good chances of getting a scholarship next year that will cover all of my living expenses for the next three or four years. I've always suffered from many financial struggles since I was a kid. That is why I feel like the margin for error is becoming so small. It's like a metaphorical boogeyman, an enemy that represents my failures and fears, is trying to close in on me so that he can choke my throat. Sometimes I feel that if I fail at this, I will become homeless and beaten once and for all. I feel like it's the final round of me against the world.

I'm also struggling with feelings of loneliness. Not only that, but I keep having that sensation of almost always being detached from people. It's as if there's a wall, an invisible barrier, between me and the majority of people.

I'm still training Muay Thai and, hopefully, I don't feel like that at all when I'm training. I enjoy the social company of most people at the gym, unlike at university. The atmosphere is different. I'm progressing, a couple of older classmates even noticed it and told me directly. But it's still going to take a long time to become a truly decent fighter. I've been wondering if training only three times per week is enough. Now that I'm getting better and my physical condition is improving, I feel like it might be time to step up the game. With good consistency, maybe I can compete in amateur fights in one or two years. My coach is a former kickboxing world champion, and he could help me with that.

It would also be good for my mental health. I feel good when I train really hard. Maybe if Muay Thai were more present in my life, that happy sensation would similarly be more prevalent.

I can pay a tiny bit more and start training four times per week, but I'm still unsure of how well that would fit into my new schedule with the Ph.D. and all. It's also tough because my financial situation makes me feel like I have to save every penny. Gotta think. I'll make a decision about that soon, before the month ends.

That's all I've got for now.

See you all soon. Stay strong and good luck.
 

rafael92

Member
Hello, friends.

I'm trying not to beat myself up, but the truth is that, since my last post, I have relapsed twice.

When I'm at my lowest, wallowing in my failures, I can't help but feel like this isn't the real me. As if this isn't supposed to be who I am.

A bit of bad luck and reckless personal choices back when I was a teen made me deviate from the true path in life where I belong. The consequences snowballed and led me towards this path of self-destruction, where I am now. I had great opportunities in life, but something went wrong, and now most of those bridges are burnt. I've tried to rebuild them, but they're too far gone to be recovered. Guess I'll have to build a new one by myself. One brick at a time.

I can't expect mercy. To get back to the path where I truly belong, to overcome this addiction and all the other obstacles, to live up to my image of my truest self, will require all of my will, resilience, and strength.

Time to grow up. I can't make excuses for myself anymore.
 

rafael92

Member
Relapsed again tonight.

I am aware that I am doing something bad during the relapse. But yet the urge takes control of my body. I become possessed by the opportunity to watch porn and jerk off again.

I think there is only one explanation: I am weak.

I come from a family where there is domestic abuse, poverty, and overall dysfunctionality. I was also bullied as a kid. This cocktail of factors clearly has a role in impacting my current life. I probably developed an addictive personality because of my traumas.

But yet, I can't help but feel like I am being dishonest when I dwell on the excuses. Deep down inside, I know I have the opportunity to defeat this addiction and live a good life.

The truth is that I am just weak. I can't build the discipline needed to defeat my demons. I am too quick to lay my arms down and let the dark temptations overtake me.

Do you think that people are born naturally destined to be weak and fail? Or is weakness, much like strength, something that is learned and passed on to us by life?

Maybe I am just arrogant and egoistical, and that's what's impairing me. Maybe I'm just preemptively giving myself excuses to fail because I am too scared of actually trying and dealing with the consequences. Maybe when I think that I am trying my best, I'm really just lying to myself. Perhaps I have never truly tried anything hard enough in life.

I am going to change things up. Starting tomorrow, I will, for the first time ever in my life, have discipline. Whatever it takes.

Victory or death.
 
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