I want this cycle to be done... Turning Point

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lightspear42

Member
I can't tell you how many times I have looked at porn and masterbated. I have been trapped in the cycle of porn ever since I was about 15 years old. So this all started when I was a teen and has never been fully dealt with. I was able to stop for extended periods during my 20s and early 30s. Perhaps 6-8 months before I would slip back into the cycle of quit/trigger/relapse/remorse. I would tell my wife about it. She would cry. I would feel dead inside. And then I would go a while before I did it again.

Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. And here I am 37 this year. So I have been addicted to porn for about 22 years. But lately it has gotten much, much worse.

I have been tracking myself and my porn problem in detail since the beginning of February. It has not stopped or even slowed down. Maybe a little at the first week of February. But after that I just go back every Monday. I was also able to go a little longer in June. But recently I have slipped back. What I am into is getting more intense.

I thank the Lord that he has kept me back from anything illegal. But what I am into is still pretty addicting and smutty. I have never been able to say what I am into, ironically, outside of a fetish context. I am into forms of BDSM and addiction fetishizing. So I am triggered by the feeling of being triggered.

So, here I am. The porn is getting darker. My wife doesn't fully know about my addiction. She knows that I have a problem with porn but that is it.

I hope that through this I can begin to break this cycle that I am in and start an actual recovery. I plan on continuing to talk to my wife about my struggle. But I can't go too far with her for fear of breaking her spirit. I also have an accountability partner. But I fall into cycles of just not telling them about how I am doing. This is something that I hope to break with this forum. You can't escape porn without community and I am not trying to. But if I don't go to my community they can't help me.

Let this day be my first in a new turning point. I will check in here and I hope that I can finally beat this thing.
 
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lightspear42

Member
Well, my first Monday focusing on no longer looking at porn is kinda tough. I slipped up pretty badly last week and Monday's are historically the hardest days for me. I can find myself alone in the office some Monday's, like today. But I am working on being mindful, I have let my wife know that I am alone so she plans on just dropping by, and I am still hopeful.
 
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lightspear42

Member
I was close to falling back into the cycle again this afternoon. I think that this is how I deal with boredom, as well as other triggers. But I went on the partners forum instead and read how they were struggling with their husbands porn addictions. The thought of putting my wife through that made me sick. So, hey, at least for now I am no longer tempted!
 
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lightspear42

Member
Reboot Day 2:

I am doing well this morning so far. The start of the day does have an impact on how I resist the cycle. I am a devout Christian and find that when I start my day being mindful of my spiritual state I am less likely to slip back into the old cycle of PMO. I keep a daily log in my note taking app Obsidian and in that I have added this recently:

# Resolved: [[When next I stumble by lingering in sight, seeking out impure images, or lusting after images I will confess to my wife and others.]]

This helps me to focus on the granular next step in ensuring that I cut off the cycle before it kicks into high gear. The difficult part is actually following through with this resolution. But I formed it in such a ways as to catch the early warning behaviors and thus be easier to actually follow through on. Telling my wife that I have lingered on a woman for a second too long is far easier than telling her that I have jumped back on the carousel of PMO.

All this being said it is just the morning. I have a more day ahead of me. I just hope that this good start equals a good end.
 
OrangeSpider

OrangeSpider

Active Member
I benefit as well from journaling, not only here, but on an app where I can be real with myself, it helps me to do introspection. We can never let our guard down, we can be very determined in the morning and 1 hour later have fallen again. We have to moment by moment remember our resolutions, our goals, to be better persons, husbands, fathers and sons of our Father in heaven.

Godspeed my friend!
 
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lightspear42

Member
The morning and afternoon are going well so far. I feel that I have found my way into a period of quiet when it comes to the brain ruts trying to drive me back to PMO. I have been here before though. The lack of temptation feels wonderful but it never lasts. I might get a day, two days, one time I feel that I got a week of break from the triggers. Yet, I could be tempted just right after I write this! I am thankful for whatever break I can have. This is part of the healing. I can not fool myself, like I have in the past, that I have somehow reached some magical brain space and overcome the temptation forever! Now I am just thankful and I am thinking that I should be preparing myself for when the temptation comes around again. Because it will. It is lurking out there waiting for me like a beast in the night.
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Nice work @lightspear42 .
I would encourage you to claim longer periods of time of clean sober days say stretch it out to 6-7 days consistently and then you can look at stretching it out to 10-20 days streaks and finally break the ceiling to 100s of days of clean streaks .it is a process . A process a process so keep at it . No matter how much you fail keep trying over and over .

Wish you a lot of success and recovered peacefull mind and life .

GeminiMan
 
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lightspear42

Member
Reboot Day 3:

I have had a few urges to go back to PMO but this morning has been good so far. But I have been getting frustrated lately. I am not sure if it is only work, which has been stressful lately, or if walking away from PMO has also added to that.

My wife got up with me this morning and spent some time with me. That was nice. Talking with her always helps calm me down. This is part of the reason that I am so keen on killing this death cycle. When I am hurting her our conversation suffers because she is hurting. I can't handle that. Seeing her in pain is gut wrenching. The solution is to no longer do the things that cause her pain! I guess that is why they call this an addiction... When I am at the moment of getting back on the cycle of PMO, when I am there being tempted and I can feel my heart rate rising and the internal pull is at it's strongest, my mental vision seems to narrow. I forget the pain that I cause her. I forget the strained and awkward conversations after some healing has occurred, but the pain is still there. She can look at me without crying but not without the dull ache of fear that I will betray her again. I forget that. Oh how I wish that I did not. I wish that the man who aches with her would persist into the future. But I am more than a mere moment in time. I am a clustered web of desires that don't all surface at once. I know what I must do. But that is what I do not do! I am like the Apostle Paul:

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."
- Romans 7:15–25

Thanks be to God indeed. This is why I can only believe in a Gospel of pure grace. I know so keenly my own sin and the death that is in me. So if I must work in any way for my salvation I am lost for sure. This destresses me! But again I turn to the Word:

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
- Ephesians 2:1–10

I don't have to fear anymore. But I still hurt God and my wife when I sin. So I will fight this sin with every ounce of strength that I have.
 
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lightspear42

Member
Reboot Day 4:

Not a bad start overall. I have a few urges but I believe they are under control for the most part. Of course, that is when the more intense urges can get me. I will have to be on the look out for traps throughout the day. Also, I will have to be sure to talk to my wife should I become tempted. She always likes it when I confide my struggles in her anyways.
 
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lightspear42

Member
After lunch I am facing some stronger urges. So I came here to read others stories and to post about my temptation. I am hoping that with this I can short circuit the beginning of the cycle that is trying to reassert itself onto me.
 
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lightspear42

Member
Reboot Day 5:

The morning is going really well. I am not tempted and work is going at a steady clip. I pray that I will stay focused today so I can avoid the trigger of boredom.

Yesterday was also pretty good going into the evening.

If I can make it through today I should be good across the weekend. Historically I have not had problems on Saturdays and Sundays, with a few exceptions.

Here is to staying off the cycle!
 
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lightspear42

Member
Reboot Day 6:

The day is starting off well and I shouldn't have a problem today with the plans that we have. Last night went well too.

It feels amazing to actually feel like there is hope that I can stay off the death cycle.
 
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lightspear42

Member
Reboot Day 7:

It's been kinda of a harder day than I have historically had on weekends. I am struggling with the PMO desires trying to press themselves on me as just fantasizing. Though I have not look at anything a couple of times I got close to trying. Even while I was going to this website I got an urge to just type into the url bar something that would lead me back to the cycle.

I need to make sure to talk to my wife about these struggles. Last night I had a couple of dreams that are not helping this fight at all.

So, a bit rough going into day 7 but I am hanging in there so far.
 
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lightspear42

Member
As the morning progresses I am finding myself with ever increasing amounts of temptation just floating in the back of my mind. I am not alone but the thought to go somewhere and seek out the starting points in the cycle are just popping up out of the blue. I talked to my wife and told her I was struggling a bit and I am posting here but I feel that I am going through a wave to relapse that might keep getting worse as the day progresses.

I fear that the dream has framed my mind and spirit in such a way as to make triggers more potent today.
 
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