Helping others

Gracie

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Staff member
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I posted this on GBS thread in men’s section. Putting this here. My purpose is to be helpful. Ten years ago, there was no opportunity to talk to others. Most info out then was, Well ladies it is a guy thing! My hurt as a partner was too great for that dismissive comment. So I talked to guys on chat boards about how it felt. They helped me and I helped them. Then Gabe started this site. I have been here since the beginning. If one marriage succeeds or just one person understands or I help lessen a modicum of pain then I have succeeded. Taking this walk has been the hardest thing I have done in my life.

For those that feel I think I speak for all women, I do not feel that. If you read through the women’s section, most have these feelings. My goal is to help men understand that we get strong visceral feelings about porn use by our partners/husbands. I was not a porn hater, my husband and I had watched together. Him watching and pulling away from our marriage and sex life was the problem. This is also something that can be verified through reading from the women and some men here in their writing. I personally never had boundaries that excluded sex during our time working through this, nor did he. I knew I loved him and giving up on our marriage was not going to happen. So we worked on it together. I felt he cheated. I had to have a way to get past that. I had to know he wanted us to last. Our comfort phrase was “I’m not going anywhere.” It was not easy. It took a year before I thought we might make it through. A year. I try to share so men know we do not know because we never thought we would feel this pain. We are flying blind too and we have no idea what to do. Geoff Steurer says it best, “You are our band aid for our pain.” And also the cause. We need you to be that bandaid. We want you there with us understanding, but we want all of you. If anyone wants to know the boundaries we mutually set, let me know. They are contained in Hello Gentleman now we Begin. They are mutually participatory. But just know at this time we need you more than ever.

*This is not speaking for all women everywhere in the world. Just a compilation from my 10 year journey both going through and working with others.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I for one am very thankful that you have taken on this challenge. Your experience gives me hope.
“You are our band aid for our pain.” And also the cause.
This is so true for me, and I love this! I feel like I've read it...was it in the Love You Hate the Porn book?
 

Gracie

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Staff member
Moderator
Here is a great video from Youtube titled More Than Just Betrayal: Healing Marriages Impacted By Pornography
It is 43 minutes long, worth the watch. Geoff Steurer (Love You Hate the Porn). Good stuff!
 

Gracie

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Staff member
Moderator
I see that some of the members here are accessing the information above. It may not help everyone, but if it helps one, then the purpose is achieved. Hello Gentleman, Now We Begin thread is posted right above the section marked Porn Addiction forum. It is a great read!
 

Gracie

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Staff member
Moderator
So here is a post of mine that William copied and put on Hello Gentleman Now We Begin.

Gracie just posted this. It is important. Read it.

I keep seeing men tell women it is not about us. I sat and thought about that statement. It seems it is meant to get us on some kind of road to recovery. Such a simple statement.

And yet here is the conundrum, porn is not about us, BUT Once our husband gets into porn he talks to us less, he complements us less, he makes comments about our appearance, he goes to bed at a different time, he doesn't talk to the kids, we don't just have fun anymore, we don't have those spontaneous fun sex moments anymore, we see him ogling other women, he doesn't hug us often, kisses even less, is secretive, is furtive, is grumpy. How can we not feel it is us?

He does not want to be around us anymore. When we ask what is wrong, we are told NOTHING. But we feel everything is wrong. Then all of a sudden BAM. I'm sorry honey its porn. I have been MOing to all these young goregeous girls the whole time I have been ignoring you and our entire life. But hey its not you. Just forgive me it is an addiction. Suck it up, quit crying and I will stop. Oh yeah, that makes us feel good.

It does not. It makes us feel like shit. It takes a long time to get past that. And in order to work through it, and wrap our brain around the lies, we have huge pain. I wish I could describe the physical knife stabbing pain that was there in the beginning, the heart palpitations, the shallow breathing, the hypervigilence, the sense of loss, the feeling of no direction and the feeling of being so alone that we feel.

It can be worked through but only together and with each partner validating what is being said. But I can tell you, I will never be the same. There is a scarred wound from the hurt that came into our marriage. And it can only heal from the inside out. Porn significantly harms the marriage attachment.
 

Gracie

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Staff member
Moderator
I just want to add for those that are new to the world of being SOs, you can go to the forum Women. Some women that have porn addiction have posted recently. But if you go there and start with page 5 (pages listed at bottom) and then work backwards you will find a lot of good conversation between the SOs and a lot of addicts. There were several active women at one time. Then we had trouble with trolls and several left. Good info nevertheless.
 
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