Hello friends. Let's take care of each other. We are worth it.

SalientY

Member
Hello, my name is SalientY. I am a 30 year old man and who is a retail store manager and lives with my mom and brother. I have come to a deep realization that I am a man who cannot handle porn use responsibly. It is very harmful to me and does not belong in my life if I want to have genuine relationships with women. I know it is going to be a struggle but I must fight this, fight for my life to have something better. I need love and support and would love to share that with you guys as well.

So a bit about my story: I started using porn around age 14 and got into more heavy use at 17. From 17 to about 21 I used it heavily, and while I had a girlfriend or two I was still a virgin. I quit porn for about a year, from late 2012 to early 2014. In 2013 I entered a relationship with a woman for 3 months, with whom I lost virginity to. We lived about and hour and a half apart, and whenever we saw each other at one another's place we would have sex. She really enjoyed having sex with me especially at the beginning, so I know I can have a sex life with a woman.

In 2014 I started using porn again due to depression and social isolation. In fall of that year I was hospitalized for about a week for mental health issues. After being released i moved back home from college and got a retail job. I am now with a different retail company and manage a store. I need to tell myself I have accomplished something in life.

So here I sit. I have had some revalations lately, and have decided to entirely quit drinking (gone over a month) and plan to avoid all drug use (was using THC but it was giving me bad highs) in the future. And obviously, I must quit porn.

Porn does what literally everyone has always told me it does: it makes you view women as sex objects. It makes me expect a life and needs fulfilled by women that they cannot possibly fulfill. Not only that, but they are people with their own wants, feelings, needs and desires and it is insanely entitled for me to expect them to fulfill them.

If I have acted like an incel, it was a very non standard way I went about it: with mental health struggles, I have always utterly blamed myself for my problems and social rejections, never others. I never went around the internet trashing women for not wanting to date me, or spent hours stewing each day with negative thoughts about women; I ENTIRELY placed the burden on myself and how I wasn't a man worth anything at all. I never hated women for rejecting me, I just completely hated myself. Neither are true: I am worthy, I have value, and there are women who will eventually see that. And there are some who will not; and that is fine. Not every woman has to like me just as I do not have to like every woman. Coming to that realization, and my history of almost always putting the burden on myself and not blaming women, gives me hope that I can be a person worth loving.

So I have deleted all my porn. I know it is going to be difficult and I will get urges but I know I can quit this. I know I can break this cycle. I know I can get past the depression and desperation and become a decent man with a social circle and eventually a woman to love. Thank you all so much for reading and bless you.
 

SalientY

Member
Day 2-3. Have not watched porn, but did masturbate to realistic fantasy about a woman I know in real life. Did not look at a screen at all, just thoughts. I'm going to try and go longer without any jerking off period.
 

SalientY

Member
So update: haven't posted in a while. While things aren't perfect they seem to be slowly getting better. First few days after last post I relapsed a couple times.

However, last couple weeks only masturbating every other day and zero orgasms to porn. I have peeked at porn or scantily clan pictures of women a couple times, but usually just get so turned off by idea of watching it fully and instead just jerk to fantasy. I would rather jerk to thoughts than watch porn.

I will say however that it is getting somewhat harder to maintain an erection with just fantasy. I still feel like jerking though, probably just used to the dopamine. I guess my flatline is coming.

Any tips on talking yourself out of trying to jerk off when your mind wants to but penis doesn't seem to work?

Thanks for reading guys. Let's beat this.
 

SalientY

Member
Kinda proud of myself that I am improving some. TMI I masturbated earlier, and while I had some porn thoughts flash in frequently, I did not watch porn at all and, I am extremely happy to say, jerked for about 20+ minutes with a COMPLETELY solid erection for 90% of it. I know I've got to get off the porn thoughts, but considering I was having an inconsistent erection with porn sometimes I'm happy about this.

I know I still got a long way to go but I'm hopeful. I know I'm a man who can beat this.
 

SalientY

Member
Things are going okay. Still haven't watched porn again. Masturbating is getting more difficult with keeping an erection. I'm wondering what point I should cut off doing it completely?

I've started to realize I need to find more hobbies. Something to focus more energy on.

It's important to realize that change is a struggle, as life is a struggle. You are going to have challenges and issues and hard moments, but dealing with them well and processing them with maturity is what helps you grow as a person. Life isn't easy but it is worth trying, working to make yourself better and your time here meaningful.
 

SalientY

Member
Doing decent today. I am more focused on change than I have been in many years. Part of being a man is using what you have available to change things and improve, to approach life with humility about what you can't change and willpower to enact what you can.

I am going to try to stop masturbating much. I know I will get urges but I do want the flatline to come. I need to get this dopamine addiction out of my brain.

It's important to remember porn isn't natural sexuality. 95% plus of men who ever lived did not evolve with access to images of beautiful naked women 24/7. The men who built out world didn't need it; they content and confident in themselves to work with what they had and many tried to work and establish meaningful relationships with real women. Porn is materialism; beautiful women have been tied so much to masculinity when it is so goddamn false and has NOT been the rule until the last half century or so.

We can beat this. It's overcoming an irresponsible modern trend, not fighting anything innately within ourselves.

Let's do this boys.
 

SalientY

Member
Man am I proud of myself. When I jerked today, the sleazy thoughts of porn barely entered my mind. I pretty much entirely focused on the realistic recollections of sensations I felt the last times I did have sex. I had a pretty solid erection for most of it.

Never going back to porn ever. Such a waste of life and your own health. Keep strong, friends.
 

SalientY

Member
HOLY SHIT you guys this may seem like a super TMI post but I am so goddamn proud of myself and changing my bad sexual habits.

So, haven't looked at porn in nearly a month. Haven't jerked to it even longer. When I was really heavily into porn use (2-3 times orgasming to it a day) I sometimes had erection issues. Pure dopamine and novelty addiction.

Well (TMI warning) I jerked simply from imagination, zero porn, for AN hour with a 90-95% erection the ENTIRE time! And my thoughts were barely even sleazy/porny; they were sensual imaginings based on my past sexual experience.

I know jerking off for an hour sounds pathetic, but dudes I am getting erection stamina back! Holy shit! I may ready for sex again sooner than I think! (Also of note, ever since I became sexually active in my early 20s I never have masturbated dry again. Don't do it; a woman is wet and soft not dry and rough like your hand. Get used to feeling good from that if you are going to jerk.)

Porn is trash guys; it absolutely steals your manhood. I remember when I quit porn for 3 or 4 months and barely masturbated. I lost my v card to a 7/10 girl with a fair amount of sexual experience and she orgasmed 3 times my first time having sex. She even fucking said that when I was to move off to university in a couple months from then, I should have sex with a girl and she would tell all her friends about me and they would want to sleep with me too! I am starting to feel the same energy I had when I was with her! Confident and energetic!

What the actual fuck guys, things are coming back! Don't ever fucking give up, dudes, you are much more than you think you are worth. Porn isn't manly, it's a goddamn disease to your mind that saps your masculinity. Improve your life, step by step, have patience and humility, and things will start to build up!

Let's get it done!
 

SalientY

Member
So it's been a few days and has been quite an experience for me for life and social development.

As said in my first post, I am a manager of a retail store. Well, me and about 15 other managers in my sales district went to a conference out of state for a few days. The main focus was training to better manage our stores, as well as get to know each other as colleagues.

Well, it was for sure a learning and encouragement period for me. First night we hung out together and did some volunteering for charity. I was quite awkward the first night, as I did not know many of the other managers and only a couple of the ones in stores near me.

So it didn't start off great but things did improve. Got to know more of them, both male and female, as the day went on.

Something I'm really proud of is two friends I made there. One was my male assigned roommate who I had never met. We hit it off pretty well and socialized a lot. I had to warm up to him as well as others but we had a great time once we did.

The other friend was a female store manager who is a few years younger. I have realistic expectations and confidence issues, but believe me I was very happy with how I developed a friendship with her. Dead serious: she is probably a 7 if not 8 out of 10 woman on attractiveness. I'm not trying to be a basic simp and am definitely not approaching things with her this way. It's just the last 8ish years I've perceived myself as an awkward, boring, unhygienic, even at times creepy guy who doesn't have any female friends and barely any male friends. The fact that an 8 out of 10 girl would talk to me and be interested in carrying on a conversation with me is really refreshing and confidence boosting. Best part: she asked for my number for texting, I didn't ask her.

She has a long term boyfriend and at thus point in my healing and self improvement I'm not ready for a girlfriend but just the perception that I was just a cringy guy who women didn't want to be around and then a fairly attractive woman would actually be as socially accepting enough of me to ask for my number for texting makes me feel like that while I got a long road ahead, I am definitely not helpless. Also of note I am so fucking glad that even though I've been addicted to porn and abusing substances for years, I am not a virgin and lost my virginity with a great first time and attractive woman years ago. Helps build me up.

I'm worth it. Fighting for my life is worth it. I owe it to myself. I love that things are starting to slowly change. Take care of yourselves and one another boys.
 

SalientY

Member
Been a few days since I posted. Still going strong with zero porn. I feel like I'm starting to get to some kind of flatline stage, not sure though. Masturbation isn't as rewarding as it has been but hey at least I know I am overcoming my attachment to porn use.

Working in quitting smoke still. I've cut down considerably but still more progress to go. Hopefully done with it by end of October.

Stay strong, gents!
 

SalientY

Member
Hey guys. Been a tough last couple days. I haven't relapsed, just dealing with mental health and stability as always. I'm wondering if I just abused extreme sensations so long (porn, alcohol, sometimes drugs, food even) that foregoing a lot of it has massively lowered my serotonin or something. I have cut down much in cigs, haven't drank in 3 months, and haven't watched porn in over a month. Also have reduced caffeine intake. I'm wondering if my body is just adjusting to the lack of extreme stimulation because I'm feeling tired or zoned out more often. Sometimes I feel empty. Sometimes I can't focus on conversations. It's difficult but I know I gotta fight thru it.

As far as porn goes, I think it is getting to the point I gotta stop masturbating period. It becomes more difficult to keep erections and focus on the fantasy sometimes. I have noticed that porn thoughts bring me back to focus, which is a sign I need to stop. I've already gone a month without porn and masturbating to fantasy at least once daily. I think it's time to cut off jerking off as well. I am getting weaned out of that habit. Wish the best for me, guys. I downloaded a counter app on my phone to keep track of days.

I think I'm going to look into mindfulness. I've heard it can help anxious people quite a bit. I believe in myself. I've gotta fight this shit. It's my only life.

Here's to the future.
 

SalientY

Member
Hey guys, apologies for long absence. Been a tough week.

Been a struggle. Almost relapsed the other day but I didn't. It's just so jarring to go from so much stimulation (not just porn) to virtually none. I am starting to dissociate sometimes because of it which is making things harder to focus on and to keep the big picture in mind.

I'm working toward getting out of this recovery rut, and keeping a consistent mindset about why this needs to be done.

I plan on having a good day today.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Hi there, I have had struggles with a lot of what you mentioned. I did quit alcohol and smoking before porn, and it may have helped but in the meantime my porn use got way out of hand. Some things that helped me get through the difficult first few month or two were journaling extensively about porn journey/emotional stories (just personal not online), taking up meditation, reading a hell of a lot more, walking and taking up old hobbies that I used to do. It was painful but I think I convinced myself to 'enjoy' feeling like shit, or at least not hide from it like I used to. I'd had severe anxiety for a long time but that is calmer than ever for me at the moment. The meditation has helped with it, not during the meditation but as a general muscle building exercise. Also I recommend the Secular Buddhist podcast, which I listen to daily. It explains some Buddhist ideas for beginners.

Anyways, sorry for rambling. I hope you are doing well. Keep going!
 

SalientY

Member
Well of interesting note gentlemen...I still haven't relapsed yet so going mostly strong there and today...I got a date with a girl who came into my work.

She's come to shop there for years and I've always thought she was cute. She has always made an effort to talk to me so we talked for quite a while today and I got her phone number, we talked a bit more, then I asked if she wanted to hang out this coming Sunday. She did!

We haven't made concrete plans yet but I want to take her to eat somewhere and maybe will go over to her place (she has roommates). I asked what she did in her free time and she said when she's off she tries to find something to do at home like watch something or play video games. When I asked her what she wanted to do I recommended eating somewhere or going to her place and she said, with a big smile, "I'm fine with whatever." I probably blushed a bit and was a bit awkward, but she laughed and smiled so I think she thought I was cute. Lmao

So...I'm wondering what might happen on Sunday. I haven't watched porn in like two months (peaked a few times at pics but never jerked to it or orgasmed to it). I can keep a fairly decent erection while jerking off. I know for a fact I won't masturbate at all before Sunday, and I will be taking my Horny Goat Weed supplement daily that I have heard always helps.

Like I'm not sure we will even have sex but I would like to be prepared. I would like to be able to orgasm, but my primary focus is maintaining an erection and making sure I don't finish too early and also I want to make sure she has an orgasm. Of course, all speculation that we will do anything, just want to be prepared.

Any tips or recommendations from anyone? I've been jerking most days since I quit porn with lubricant (dry hand is not like sex), picturing realistic fantasies based on the sex I had years ago. Actually imagining myself with a girl through my "eyes" mostly instead of just me in "third person" or whatever lmao.

Again, we will see where this goes. I'm excited just for the fact I got a girl to go on a date with me again lmao.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Congratulations on the date! Sounds great!

You know, it sounds like this is not just any date, but potentially a step forward with someone you've had an eye on for a long time. Like - you're not going for just getting laid and moving on. So I would really focus on just having a good date. Don't be disappointed if you don't have sex, and in fact why not take it slow if you can? If it's going to be something more serious it WILL happen before too long anyway :)

And finally - I think we often worry too much about "performing" and whether we'll O or not. Just focus on giving each other pleasure and learning what you each like. Then the sex is great no matter how it ends :) ... I often find not going to O is actually amazing - makes me so energized about my woman and even more amped for next time lol.

Anyway - good luck! :)
 

SalientY

Member
Lol thanks so much dude.

I guess my concern is if I don't try and sleep with her I will come off as not confident. Maybe I'm just warped by porn use and social media. I also don't wanna seem to physically clingy and just keep kissing on her. Gotta remember how to time my kissing, hand holding, etc. Lmao I'm such a noob I mean I'm not a virgin it's just been a long time since I was in the dating game. I wanna be myself but also not top pushy. Maybe should look up some tips? Lmao
 

SalientY

Member
Update: things going well with girl I'm talking to. We haven't gone on our date yet but have been texting. Last night our texts actually got pretty...steamy. She is very into me, more than I thought. My texts were super smooth and sensual and not sleazy and I was focused on fantasy of her in my mind (wasn't jerking btw, just flirting). She loved it and was blushing so much. I'm so excited to see her.

Simon, you said you believed this could be something more. I believe you are right. I'm very happy right now.

Thanks guys, I'll keep you updated.
 
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