The looking 👀 thing

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
This from 2014. But worth a read.

Could the basking in the attention of the ladies be a contributing factor to your wife's mood swings? Menopause is a pretty tough thing to go through. It means to a lot of us that we are indeed getting old. Getting the scan turned off after stopping porn was tough for my husband. This article helped a lot.

Dear Porn Doc:
One of my biggest problems isn’t necessarily looking at porn…but rather looking at women—a lot. In fact, I am often not even aware that I am doing it and have really gotten into trouble with both my current girlfriend as well as in past relationships. What are some tips in stopping this?

Porn Doc:
You have a “looker.” In fact, most men are visual creatures anyway, but when you also struggle with compulsive sexual behavior, the looking takes on more of an obsessive quality. “I can’t stop looking.” “If I don’t look, I’ll miss out on something.” To bring a deeper awareness to your looking, I recommend the following interventions as some short-term solutions:

1. The Two-Second Rule—A simple intervention is to use a two-second rule. This is essentially a self-monitoring tool to establish some control and boundaries around the looking. When a person notices that he is indeed looking too much, he then gives himself “permission” to look one time and one time only, up to two seconds. The idea is if you are aware enough to slap a limit on the looking, then they are aware that they are crossing the line.

2. Other Women’s Body Parts Aren’t My Business—Men reveal that they often feel obligated to look, as if it’s their job. Or they might worry that they will miss out on something. A simple reminder—or mantra—is to remind yourself that the woman who has caught your attention is none of your business; she does not know you; she did not wear those clothes for you; she does not welcome you. You need not look.

3. She Is A Person—Obsessive looking usually involves objectifying. Notice your language when you’re looking and what you are saying (internally or out loud). You may be saying to yourself something like: “Look at those breasts!” “Look at that butt, those legs.” The list goes on. Remind yourself that she is a person by lending her some humanity. She is somebody’s daughter. She is somebody’s sister. She is somebody’s mother. She is somebody. Not an object.

This helped my husband and I work through the "looking thing"
Give it a try it could help both you and your wife.
 
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TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Interesting article, and something I think about a lot as a man. I'm trying to rebuild my libido after years of porn addiction, so yes, I'm looking at women more. But everything listed above makes perfect sense, especially the "she is a person" idea. Porn objectifies, commodifies, and degrades women. Men have to unlearn that.

I've almost always had a "two second" rule, and as an older man, there's certainly always a voice inside my head saying "okay you dirty old man, you're twice her age, knock it off".
 

Blondie

Respected Member
In general, men are polygamous and women are hypergamous, thus you get men looking at everything that moves and women only wanting the best that they can get, I like to call this the Mr. Darcy phenomenon :). Obviously this is a over generalization, but in general, I find generalizations to have much truth in them, even if modern society doesn't want to admit it for political or social reasons.

We can see this happening right before our eyes on a day to day basis. Most guys who go out on the weekends to "get laid," will go back emptyhanded afterwards and unfortunately use porn as their only sexual outlet that night. These lonely guys would have hooked up with almost any girl at the bar, because that's how us guys are, especially if it's only for a night. Bad personality? it matters not! :) However, for most women, they damn well know that they could have almost any guy at the bar, even if they're average looking, thus, they try to go home with the best man they can get. No woman says "I got lucky tonight!" Unless she wound up with the best dude at the bar!

Again, an over simplification, but there's much truth in it. This doesn't make girls more moral than us guys, or make us men dogs, but it's just the facts and we all know it to be true. Now if we want to admit it or not is another matter!

You can see this with jokes on the internet, with guys making memes with a picture of their wife on their wedding day looking like she's going off to prison, compared to the day she met Jason Momoa and she's practically losing herself in his arms. lol. Talk about an insult to his masculinity, and doing this right in front of him! Poor chump. This is the equivalent of us dudes looking at everything that moves, it just happens less, because well, there's only so many "Jason Momoas" to go around. Thus, both sexes do this shit, it's just in different ways. Women want the best they can get, and men, although it's true we also want the best, we would also just about do anything that was handed to us on a platter.

Variety is the spice of life for us men, which is why porn is so devastating for us - it gives us everything and nothing at the same time.

So what does these worthless ramblings have to do with your article @Gracie? :cool: Quite a bit actually!

I agree with most of it in general, but maybe for different reasons than you.

The two second rule is golden and I definitely try to follow it most of the time. However, the way I see it is this, if you truly love women, why the hell would you want to be a creep and lose your chances with them by staring? I've never understood when guys do this, it just makes so sense to me. This crap only works in the movies, and we all know how truthful they are!

Another reason I don't do this is because as a man and in a monogamous relationship, seeing something you can't have is just frustrating and does the body and mind no good. The way I see it is this, there's really no reason to check out a woman unless you plan on hitting on her and going up to talk to her. Besides for that, what's really the point of the exercise, you get nothing out of it.

Of course, checking out a woman and appreciating her beauty are two entirely different things. The former really has no purpose if you're in a relationship, and the latter, well I will never apologize for that.:cool: Ironically, the former is dying day by day, while the latter grows exponentially the further I get away from porn.

You ladies truly are the greatest things.

And though I agree with the third point, and you'll find many posts I've done mentioning this very fact, it's not entirely the truth of the matter. As a man I can appreciate a beautiful pair of boobs while still not objectifying them and wanting to know the woman they belong to. Of course it's also true I can do the latter and only objectify her and think of nothing else. One is a problem that porn definitely fuels, and the other is not a problem whatsoever, and is just a man being in awe of the fairer sex.

Being a man is nothing no man should ever apologize for.

Best

Blondie.
 
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joepanic

Respected Member
In general, men are polygamous and women are hypergamous, thus you get men looking at everything that moves and women only wanting the best that they can get, I like to call this the Mr. Darcy phenomenon :). Obviously this is a over generalization, but in general, I find generalizations to have much truth in them, even if modern society doesn't want to admit it for political or social reasons.

We can see this happening right before our eyes on a day to day basis. Most guys who go out on the weekends to "get laid," will go back emptyhanded afterwards and unfortunately use porn as their only sexual outlet that night. These lonely guys would have hooked up with almost any girl at the bar, because that's how us guys are, especially if it's only for a night. Bad personality? it matters not! :) However, for most women, they damn well know that they could have almost any guy at the bar, even if they're average looking, thus, they try to go home with the best man they can get.

Again, an over simplification, but there's much truth in it. This doesn't make girls more moral than us guys, or make us men dogs, but it's just the facts and we all know it to be true. Now if we want to admit it or not is another matter!

You can see this with jokes on the internet, with guys making memes with a picture of their wife on their wedding day looking like she's going off to prison, compared to the day she met Jason Momoa and she's practically losing herself in his arms. lol. Talk about an insult to his masculinity, and doing this right in front of him! Poor chump. This is the equivalent of us dudes looking at everything that moves, it just happens less, because well, there's only so many "Jason Momoas" to go around. Thus, both sexes do this shit, it's just in different ways. Women want the best they can get, and men, although it's true we also want the best, we would also just about do anything that was handed to us on a platter.

Variety is the spice of life for us men, which is why porn is so devastating for us - it gives us everything and nothing at the same time.

So what does these worthless ramblings have to do with your article @Gracie? :cool: Quite a bit actually!

I agree with most of it in general, but maybe for different reasons than you.

The two second rule is golden and I definitely try to follow it most of the time. However, the way I see it is this, if you truly love women, why the hell would you want to be a creep and lose your chances with them by staring? I've never understood when guys do this, it just makes so sense to me. This crap only works in the movies, and we all know how truthful they are!

Another reason I don't do this is because as a man and in a monogamous relationship, seeing something you can't have is just frustrating and does the body and mind no good. The way I see it is this, there's really no reason to check out a woman unless you plan on hitting on her and going up to talk to her. Besides for that, what's really the point of the exercise, you get nothing out of it.

Of course, checking out a woman and appreciating her beauty are two entirely different things. The former really has no purpose if you're in a relationship, and the latter, well I will never apologize for that.:cool: Ironically, the former is dying day by day, while the latter grows exponentially the further I get away from porn.

You ladies truly are the greatest things.

And though I agree with the third point, and you'll find many posts I've done mentioning this very fact, it's not entirely the truth of the matter. As a man I can appreciate a beautiful pair of boobs while still not objectifying them and wanting to know the woman they belong to. Of course it's also true I can do the latter and only objectify her and think of nothing else. One is a problem that porn definitely fuels, and the other is not a problem whatsoever, and is just a man being in awe of the fairer sex.

Being a man is nothing no man should ever apologize for.

Best

Blondie.
OMG I wish I was the author of this little essay
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
We have a wedding to go to, an evening wedding, so kinda fancy like that. Anyway I found this beautiful dress, but it was pretty short. Even after all the crap my brain has put me through I thought I looked great in it, but admittedly unsure about wearing something so short at my age. My husband's eyes lit up when I put it on for him and I asked him about the length. He told me I looked great in it and then asked at what age should someone stop wearing mini's. I do agree, but I wish I had said "at what age should a man stop looking at people young enough to wear mini's?"
 

joepanic

Respected Member
We have a wedding to go to, an evening wedding, so kinda fancy like that. Anyway I found this beautiful dress, but it was pretty short. Even after all the crap my brain has put me through I thought I looked great in it, but admittedly unsure about wearing something so short at my age. My husband's eyes lit up when I put it on for him and I asked him about the length. He told me I looked great in it and then asked at what age should someone stop wearing mini's. I do agree, but I wish I had said "at what age should a man stop looking at people young enough to wear mini's?"
Since when do you have to be young enough to wear a mini?? I'm curious as to what age one is no longer young,

Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Dear Sammyjo, Wear whatever makes you feel good! Pay no attention to the “what age” about anything! You do you.
Every day all day be yourself!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Hi All!
@GBS and @Blondie - Thank you for your pre-wedding wishes. Made me feel like I have a couple brothers looking out for me. Like a family.

@Gracie
It was a wonderful weekend! Promised myself to try to have a "normal" weekend - take time off from thinking about the current situation and enjoy each moment for what it was. It worked out well.

My husband was sweet and fabulous. I don't know if it's the time off of P or if he's just trying harder, but he seemed to make it a point to let me know how fabulous I looked, whether in my dress or my sloppy shorts with my fuzzy ankle boot slippers (no shower, tossed my mane into a hair clip and he beamed and said "look how cute you look first thing in the morning").

Makes me a little sad for myself that this is what it now takes to comfort me and make me feel ok with us (compliment on my looks). Makes me feel kind of small and very vain. But it is the pill I need right now.

Of course there is other stuff I need from him, to make me feel like I am still his forever person and that he will actually always be there for me and that all is going to take time.

On a more fun note, the dance floor was in a separate room from the reception meal, and we took off to the dance floor 3 or 4 times before the meal was over and had our own private dance time. This was a big deal to me because he is a rule follower. I had suggested we go dance and his reply was "aren't the bride and groom supposed to have the first dance?" I said "no one will ever see us or know". So he took my hand and off we went.

Small thing, BIG deal to me. Small things have been missing for a long time. I suspect it's going to take hundreds of little things like this before I feel secure again.

One last thing. I woke up in the middle of the night with my brain going nuts. This has happened before after we had a particularly good weekend. I've been pondering it all day. This afternoon he said "Kind of weird that you would wake up upset after the weekend we had, any idea why?" I told him I had a couple thoughts on it: First, maybe I had a bad dream I wasn't remembering, or second, because this seems to be a pattern for me (good time followed by bad thoughts) maybe I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop or rather am afraid to allow the trust in that seems to be knocking on my door.

Pretty sure it's the 2nd thing. I have moments where I feel trust "sneaking it" and I go off the charts mentally. Good to be aware of, just have to figure out how to stop the brain from overthinking and let the trust in. I guess that's were time and consistency come into play.

Busy week for us this week. Going to a pre-wedding dinner for my cousin on Thursday, Friday heading to NY to see BILLY JOEL!!! (it's our 33rd anniversary), and my son is coming home with his fiancé and giant dog (best dog in the world) on Saturday. So lot's of time to have a good time and hopefully not have a crazy brain when he is traveling the following couple weeks.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Sorry @Sammyjo you can’t just claim ‘best dog in the world “ and not expect someone to call you out! Mine will give you run for your money.

Glad wedding was good. I am on both yours and your hubby’s side - say hi from me. If you had connection than that’s numero uno. Sounds like you did. So thrilled for you. GBS
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Weeeellllllll woo and hoo! That sounds absolutely fantabulous! Good for you! Dancing alone, what a luxury! And a wedding and all the plans enjoy! My son and grandson saw Billy Joel last spring said it was great! We just had a concert Shinedown. 1st since CoVid.. Got a great metal music fix. Hub not a fan but we stayed. He said stay as long as I want. I love head banging and jumping! But then I was in Calif. in 60s so love loud and metal. No worries out and around young ones. Took a while to get there! Your ups and downs will get less. We just have to trust we deserve a good time and we deserve the best they have! Yep we do!
 
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