The looking đź‘€ thing


I binged yesterday afternoon and last night so everything is fresh in my mind. On the subject of the having permission to look think. I think that having that tacit permission to look, both through being in a romantic relationship, but also within every moment with that person is paramount. That is what makes the relationship sacred, that trust and respect that has to grow and be earned.

And we don't have a right to look just because we are our girlfriend's boyfriend or our wife's husband. That is something I had to learn the hard way, that her feelings matter. To me sexual desire is neutral, it isn't toxic. Only when we justify taking ownership of the person we desire does it become toxic. And we do that by objectifying. The question that has to be answered is why am I looking? This, after we answer the more obvious, "do I have a right to look/and or touch?"

As I write this, I am dealing with a 2 year old who lacks any understanding of boundaries. He sits right on top of me regardless of whether I am doing something or don't want to be touched. The fact that he is 2 and literally doesn't understand boundaries doesn't make it any less annoying. My job as a parent is to teach him how to respect people.

And isn't that the jest of this whole thing? As porn addicts aren't we kind of acting like toddlers? Just as toddlers have to be taught how to respect physical boundaries, we recovering porn addicts have to be taught how to respect the sexual boundaries of our wife or girlfriend.

We have to start from scratch. We have to learn her emotional/sexual language. We have to learn how to initiate sex and how to accept it when she initiates with us.

Porn blurs the lines. There is a particularly egregious style of porn that I saw yesterday that is so horrible exactly because it blurs these lines that should not be blurred. In this video a particular porn star, whom shall not be named, was trying tops on for a friend (who was a man) for a night out.

I don't think I have to explain the absurdity of this situation, but the subtext of the video was clear. There are no boundaries between these two people. Boundaries don't matter. It is okay for two people, two friends, of opposite sex, to watch eachother change. Relationships don't matter. Just eye fuck each other as if there is no meaning in life.

Anyway, I've gotta go. I'll get back to this later. It just made me think. That's all. Let us all get better. I'll copy this to my journal later.



Staff member
@SoberRich looking is the beginning. You are right about boundaries. They are so important. It would be great if everyone would simply talk about what their boundaries are and then have partners respect them. For example, my husband and I watched Real Sex on HBO. We watched together, laughed and made fun of some of the stuff. No big deal. To me the boundary was, ok we can watch this together. To him the boundary seemed to be, I can watch porn and I can masturbate while I watch. Oh and then I just need to make sure she is asleep before me. And then she has a medical problem so I will sleep in another room. And then shit she doesn’t like sex at all.

It happened over time. When we were in healing mode, I asked him if I ever refused sex? Did I ever say I did not like it? I had to stop oral due to neck surgery. He got upset, he thought it meant forever. (It did not). But the girls on the screen were young and always ready. Boundary of we can watch together totally crossed and trashed.

So communication is key. What boundary do we have? In relationships, unfortunately we develop assumptions and then do not sit down and talk. Boundaries and communication go hand in hand.