Relapsed today but I'm a step closer!

[GenericJC]

Hi everyone, first time poster but long time battler of a porn addiction.

I have tried almost everything to beat this for over 10 years, and have had serious successes and serious failures. I have not beaten this addiction.

YET!

I know for some of us, when we think about how long this has taken and how much it has robbed from us, we can feel hopeless, weak, despondent and it feels like you're just telling yourself a lie between relapses. But that isn't true!

Like today for myself and for many others, you will fail and fall on your ass, sometimes repeatedly, but you can't stay there. You have to get yourself back up, understand why you failed and then work your hardest to not only forgive yourself for failing but to make sure it doesn't happen like that again.

I've decided to do the full works, I've blocked new apps, blocked thousands of key words relating to sex and porn and as of today, took the first step in reaching out to my therapist regarding this. I want this post to be something that I can look back on, (and hopefully maybe you can too) as the moment you decided not to let JPEGs and MP4s rule your life anymore.

Remember, one day you WILL be free of this, I promise. It just takes strength, time, openness and forgiveness!

I wish you all good luck (and to myself too!). You CAN do this

 

[FiveFortyFour]

You're gonna do great, man! Keep that can-do attitude!

 

[GenericJC]

Day 1 (of journalling)!

Hi everyone, not sure how the best way to journal on this platform is but I figure the best way to help beat this is to journal.

I've read a lot of similar stories on this site and it's reassuring to know a lot of people have dealt with and are dealing with the same issues as me.

I've always struggled with porn and had never made a converted effort beat it until my late teens when it was already well established in my brain as a coping mechanism for stress, exhaustion, embarrassment and a whole host of negative emotions.

As expected, my willpower is weak, my tastes escalated and my confidence low, but I know I'm able to beat this thing because I've done it before. My record is 120 days but this year I've only managed to do 50 and have struggled since. I'm not sure where this new struggle comes from, but I know I have the ability and the power to beat this.

Today is day 1 on a new journey and I'm excited to start expressing myself via the forum. If you ever want to or need to chat, just send me a message. Always glad to support someone in need!

Chat to you all again tomorrow!

 

[GenericJC]

Day 2

Day has passed without too much event, but of course not every day is a challenge. In fact, the days where you're most likely to relapse are the ones where your guard is down and you aren't focused on being your best self.

Today for example, I haven't had an inkling of an urge or a thought for even a second, which while it may sound nice, is an easy false sense of security to fall into.

During those days outside of a relapse it can be really easy to fight it as you've got the motivation, the energy, the negative emotion spurring you on and reminding you why you fight this, but the flatline, the almost numbing return to 'normality' is when you pose the greatest risk of relapsing as you let your guard down and you forget how bad it feels and how much it hurts to let yourself down.


Journalling like this everyday is something I've done in the past, and has almost always been a strong factor in my best streaks. Even writing this now has reminded me why I fight this and why you can't just assume it will go away.

I hope all of you are going well in your battles this week! Once again, always happy to lend an ear

 

[GenericJC]

Day 4

Off to a lesson than ideal start missing a day in the journal, but I'll accept it when there's a social event involved!

That being said, today was definitely a day with a couple urges and poor habits that reinforced the same thoughts I am trying to overcome. While it is easy to fight these now early on in the journey while a relapse is still fresh in the mind, I can't allow myself to be complacent with bad habits and set bad ground work for this journey.

If I keep journalling like this, and bring this awareness front of mind, I automatically am in a better position to fight this.

Going forward from today, I'll likely lock away my gaming laptop as that is a habit consistent with relapse behaviour. While it can be a great post work destresser, it's an unhealthy habit to keep.

Hope you are all doing well in your journeys!

 

[GenericJC]

Day 5

I can already tell this week is going to be a rough one from a journalling perspective as I have a bunch of social events on! But I have to remain vigilant with journalling through both the easy times and the hard.

I think for all of us, the busier we are and the more social we are, the less likely we are to relapse, and during these social times we often forget the problem we face when alone. I know for sure that if every day was like today and the rest of this week I would probably never relapse again, but the truth is there will always be times when I am alone and that's when I'll be most at risk. Journalling daily helps bring this front of mind.

That being said, today bought quite a few stronger urges than I am used to, which was surprising. Luckily I was able to move past them but nonetheless it is a solid reminder that this can strike hard and fast when you least expect it. All I can do is learn to acknowledge that, keep my journey front of mind and make sure that I set up the right habits that support me.

Hope you are all doing well and aren't having too hard a week! I'll be back tomorrow night for another post

 

[GenericJC]

Day 6 (technically)

Yup, missed last night again but had a big night with friends so I'll allow myself the break, hence I'm making my journal post in the morning.

Definitely noticing that this week is testing me. Ive gotten back into dating apps in order to put myself out there but damn if that isn't a trigger of sorts.

Luckily for me, like I said in my last journal, I'm too close to a relapse to have forgotten about what is feels like to give in, so for the time being I'm okay in fighting it. It is definitely intimidating though, accepting that this is going to be a really hard battle especially this early on. I know I've got it in me to do that hard yards because I've done it before, but it will just take a strong effort avoid getting in situations that support a relapse.

I've got a call with my therapist in a couple weeks, so the goal is to set up good habits by then and then reassess at that point in time.

I'll post again tonight or, if I end up going out, tomorrow morning again.

 

[GenericJC]

Day 7

AGAIN SLACK! My defense is as it was earlier in the week. I am busy with social events this week so I have not found the time to commit to journalling, though this should taper off this week....

...Which is both good and bad. Fewer social events means more time alone and on devices which means a higher chance for something like a relapse. However, it also means more chances for me to properly set up habits and do daily admin and rituals that are supportive to me in my recovery.


Past week or so have had really strong urges which have been quite uncomfortable to be honest, so that has been interesting to try and deal with. Luckily no relapses yet!

I should come clean about my healing process though. I personally don't find masturbation to be a bad thing, provided, and this is important, there is no external stimulation. That is, no porn, no pornographic thoughts, nothing. Happy to be challenged on whether this is a good idea or not, but for me masturbation has never been a problem, it's more the reliance on porn.

With that said, today was surprisingly difficult, and I imagine that's largely due to the short time between relapse I have experienced recently. I guess I'm just less accustomed to fighting this over long periods as a result.

Regardless, this week should see a lot more frequent journal postings (I WANT daily) and it will be interesting to see how the urges ramp up this week given the strength of them today.

Hope you all have a good week this week!

 

[GenericJC]

Day 8

UH OH

Well, today was not great. Work wise and admin wise fine, but it was the first day of no social events after a week of struggling with urges and unfortunately, I relapsed.

Well sort of. I had an urge after ignoring the routines I set up to avoid them, went looking, found porn and then did nothing with it. I looked at it for about 5 minutes and jumped through some cirque du Soleil hoops to justify it but then ultimately closed it, took my gaming laptop and went over to my parents house and gave it to them to keep and hide.

Is that a failure? In my eyes, yes. Is that a win? In my eyes, kind of. While I am semi happy with the fact that I was able to pull myself away, I really shouldn't have let myself get in that vulnerable position in the first place. I don't feel filled with shame and regret but I know I shouldn't have done it. I set my relapse counter to zero regardless, as the goal is not to be in a place where I look at porn and do nothing, it's to be in a place where I don't look at it at all, to be someone who doesn't look at porn full stop.

I will continue to journal away and move forwards. The journalling is not to mark the days since my last relapse (though it would be awesome if it did).but rather to mark the days since I began and committed to my porn free journey.

As part of an exercise in keeping my journalling creative and thinking about it each night, my journal post tomorrow will cover 3 things:

1. What porn has taken from me (or rather, what I have let it take from me)
2. Why I want to make the change
3. What kind of person I want to become

Today wasn't great, and while not full blown, it was a relapse nonetheless. But this is merely a bump in the road on my journey, if I can say no at some point during a relapse then I can learn to say no earlier on.

I hope everyone out there is still fighting strong, and once again, truly, if you ever want to chat or need a friend, don't hesitate to reach out.

 

[Wolfmother]

Day 8

UH OH

Well, today was not great. Work wise and admin wise fine, but it was the first day of no social events after a week of struggling with urges and unfortunately, I relapsed.

Well sort of. I had an urge after ignoring the routines I set up to avoid them, went looking, found porn and then did nothing with it. I looked at it for about 5 minutes and jumped through some cirque du Soleil hoops to justify it but then ultimately closed it, took my gaming laptop and went over to my parents house and gave it to them to keep and hide.

Is that a failure? In my eyes, yes. Is that a win? In my eyes, kind of. While I am semi happy with the fact that I was able to pull myself away, I really shouldn't have let myself get in that vulnerable position in the first place. I don't feel filled with shame and regret but I know I shouldn't have done it. I set my relapse counter to zero regardless, as the goal is not to be in a place where I look at porn and do nothing, it's to be in a place where I don't look at it at all, to be someone who doesn't look at porn full stop.

I will continue to journal away and move forwards. The journalling is not to mark the days since my last relapse (though it would be awesome if it did).but rather to mark the days since I began and committed to my porn free journey.

As part of an exercise in keeping my journalling creative and thinking about it each night, my journal post tomorrow will cover 3 things:

1. What porn has taken from me (or rather, what I have let it take from me)
2. Why I want to make the change
3. What kind of person I want to become

Today wasn't great, and while not full blown, it was a relapse nonetheless. But this is merely a bump in the road on my journey, if I can say no at some point during a relapse then I can learn to say no earlier on.

I hope everyone out there is still fighting strong, and once again, truly, if you ever want to chat or need a friend, don't hesitate to reach out.

Hey GenericJC! Hope you're doing good

I had a similar situation today, and your post made me think about the situation better and has really helped.

I didn't do anything either, I peeked at some weird stuff on the internet when I had nothing else to do and turned it off right away cause I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do.

But like you said, the goal is not to look at porn and do nothing, instead not watching it at all in the first place.

Your post definitely helped!
Cheers and good luck!

 

[GenericJC]

Thanks Wolfmother!

It helps me too knowing that other people are experiencing the same thing. I often forget that even as I post on this forum which is literally designed for us to help each other get through this.

Good job on saying no though! It's not ideal that we searched for it but we can take pride in the fact that a weaker version of ourselves wouldn't have been able to turn away.

 

[GenericJC]

Day 9

Today passed easily and without a hint of an urge, though it's easy to say why. Given yesterday I gave in to it and looked at porn I am of course now on high alert and that itching urge to go looking has been sated.

However, a positive is that I have given my gaming laptop away and with that, removed a a huge trigger point for me. Does that mean this is over? Not at all. But a step in the right direction.

The key thing I am reading now is the recovery workshop on recovery nation, a similar site to reboot nation. While I don't post there, I am working away through the workshop.

One of the things they mention is active commitment to recovery and kicking your porn addiction not because of shame, not because of what other people think but because it is incompatible with who you want to be, and I think the reason a lot of us struggle with that is that we don't know who we want to be. Sure, we have idealised versions of ourselves, but if you actually sit there and properly think about the person you want to be then immediately the thought of porn disgusts and upsets you. Yet, in the moment, we often forget that.

As promised in the last entry I would answer 3 questions.

1. What have I let porn take from me?

Time, energy, confidence and relationships. About all there is. Has it ruled my life, no, but it has held a solid grip on it and prevented me from experiencing many things I wish I had.

Relationships with partners, with friends and time spent with family or on self-improvement. Porn has sunk time from me, so much time. And I don't want to do that anymore, it's incompatible with who I want to become.

2. Why I want to make the change?

I'm normally quite forgiving of my own mistakes and am, for the most part, proud and happy with who I am as a human being. But at times where I truly look deep into myself I am always, always met with shame and regret over my addiction, something I'm sure we all feel. And I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I've had a taste of that freedom during longer streaks, where I've become confident and forgotten the man that I was. I simply want to make that change a permanent one, not a seasonal one.

3. What kind of person do I want to become?

I'm proud of who I am now (bar this of course, but even so, proud of my journey) but my goal in life is to have a family, to be a father and a husband. And I can't reconcile an addicted version of myself with the man I want to be, I just can't.

I want to be proud of every aspect of my life, I want to be a proud father and husband who has nothing to hide, and I know I can be that.

Long one today, but as always, I hope you are all doing well in your journeys. You are capable of being the person you want to be, it just takes time, effort and forgiveness.

 

[sho0fl]

I'm proud of who I am now (bar this of course, but even so, proud of my journey) but my goal in life is to have a family, to be a father and a husband. And I can't reconcile an addicted version of myself with the man I want to be, I just can't.

I want to be proud of every aspect of my life, I want to be a proud father and husband who has nothing to hide, and I know I can be that.

A noble goal, stay strong and you can do this.

 

[GenericJC]

Day 10

Today was another good day, no real urges but again that is to be expected so soon out from giving in.


This weekend will be key as it becomes so much easier to neglect habits when you are relaxed or hanging out with friends. While positive, I need to make sure that at the end of the day, my focus is on becoming the man I want to be.

It can be so easy once you're a week or two weeks out to get majorly over confident and assume you've got it down and that it's going to be no hassle saying no, and that's something I think this journalling is particularly useful for. Bringing it to the forefront of my mind every day so that it doesn't get forgotten amongst other issues in life.

A short one today as I've been dealing with some other issues that have taken up most of the day and my brain but I hope you are all still fighting strong. I'll try give back a bit more on this forum in the coming week as everyone needs positive reinforcement!

 

[GenericJC]

Day 12

Whoops, missed another day but I promise I have a good reason!

My biggest relapse periods have always been late at night during periods of restlessness, boredom, frustration and exhaustion. I struggle to switch off and to relax and just do nothing, and I think porn has always been a way for me to provide stimulation and distraction when I'm feeling these emotions.

I'm sure we've all noticed this at points, but when life is busy and we're social and active, porn is not even remotely a thought on our minds. Yet when the inverse happens, and we're isolated or restless, we become vulnerable and look for a way to distract ourselves.

Had a social friday and Saturday so I missed my journalling last night, but I promise (to myself) I will make it up. I even had a couple minor triggers today (was in a situation, right place and right time to consider browsing) but I didn't which is a nice feeling.

Am also beginning to start thinking about what is next for me in life, which I'm hoping I'll have the motivation to work away at each evening like my journalling.

I hope you are all doing well, and if you ever need someone to chat to or help you keep accountable, just send me a message!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

You go, man! Keep up that grind!

 

[GenericJC]

Day 14

Again! Had some plans on so when I got home I just went straight to sleep but I should have made a journal entry here.

I had some urges yesterday as sunday is always a trigger point for me, but it was nice being able to shrug them off. Obviously, like I've stated before I am on higher alert so it is easier to say no now but regardless I'm happy I was able to identify the emotion and let it slide.

I haven't yet done the next activity in my recovery, which is to spend 20 minutes thinking and envisioning the person I want to be. I already try to meditate most days so this is something I'll do tonight!

Also given I missed a journal I'll post again this evening. Main update is that I've made it through the weekend (always my riskiest period) and I've come out fine!

 

[BrunoOliveira]

Every time you say no is a victory and should make you happy. Congrats!
Usually, to me, two weeks is the mark when it starts to get difficult. You just reached that mark. Is it the same with you?

 

[GenericJC]

Day 15

No triggers today but I tend to be fine during the work week. A big part of why my strongest streaks lasted as long as they did is because I was focused on goals and was extremely busy, and so the choice of using porn, while something I absolutely could have done, would have been such a detriment to my life style at the time that it wasn't a choice. The concept of using it simply wasn't feasible and any time an urge came up I was more than capable of saying no.


It's almost a switch in our brains we have to work on flicking. And its not a switch we can flick without a solid reason to. If I try and focus on stopping porn without an active reason to, it will never work.

That sounds simple but it's true. A lot of us use porn as a time sink or a distraction, but it becomes a lot easier to avoid if you can get dopamine and fulfilment from other activities. I've recently begun preparing for a major change in my life and it feels a lot easier to say no to porn as it directly detracts from the goals I want to achieve. Long story short, if the goal is to stop using porn just to stop using porn, it won't work. There needs to be something you are working towards.

I hope you all have easy weeks ahead! Remember you aren't the first person to struggle with porn and you aren't alone here!

 

[GenericJC]

Every time you say no is a victory and should make you happy. Congrats!
Usually, to me, two weeks is the mark when it starts to get difficult. You just reached that mark. Is it the same with you?

Thank you! I find most of the time the weekend is a big issue for me given the weekend is a classic trigger point, but yes two weeks is so often a relapse point. It's just long enough for you to forget how bad porn makes you feel and long enough for you to get distracted with other things in your life!