FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Word. Hitting the end of my second week now. Good work, man.
Relapsed today but I'm a step closer!
- Thread starter GenericJC
- Start date
BrunoOliveira
Member
So true! There's a lot of other stuff going on at our lives at that point, so it's easy not to pay attention to our battle.
But at least you survived the weekend, hahah
But at least you survived the weekend, hahah
GenericJC
Member
Day 17
Once again, had a big night so missed a journal. No one to really apologise to there but myself!
So far has been fine this week, though I had an interesting experience today for sure. I've recently begun trying to get back into the dating scene and am well aware that apps can be dangerous, and good lord can they be!
Have been using it for the past week or so and have only today began really feeling urges from it. In fact, this week I have felt the need to relieve myself on two seperate occasions. Again, my opinion on masturbation is that it is healthy but it is the content or rather, need or influence of content on masturbation that is unhealthy. While I did not need content for it and did so with a clear mind (I don't feel any shame or guilt which I take as a good sign) I still felt like it was influenced by my usage of these apps so I will reset my counter today.
Not ideal but I am still positive for a number of reasons:
1. I am putting myself out there and even have a date coming up
2. I did not need to use imagery or apps to relieve myself, nor did I feel the guilt or shame that comes with using porn
3. I am being very harsh in terms of what constitutes a relapse and what doesn't, and though I feel good overall right now, I still need to be tougher on myself so the counter must be set to zero.
It would be naive of me to think, especially since I believe masturbation can be healthy, that at some point in my life I will never look at someone, be attracted or turned on and then later feel like relieving myself. But right now, however, I need to avoid such behaviour until I can deal with it in a healthier manner. Otherwise all that will happen is I will lull myself into a false sense of security by finding other, seemingly less insidious substitutes for porn.
Regardless, I will keep on trucking away with the other forum tasks I have set. Tomorrow I will focus on envisioning the next set of steps I need to take to avoid relapse and how I can address my porn addiction rather than ignore it.
I hope everyone is having a great week!
Once again, had a big night so missed a journal. No one to really apologise to there but myself!
So far has been fine this week, though I had an interesting experience today for sure. I've recently begun trying to get back into the dating scene and am well aware that apps can be dangerous, and good lord can they be!
Have been using it for the past week or so and have only today began really feeling urges from it. In fact, this week I have felt the need to relieve myself on two seperate occasions. Again, my opinion on masturbation is that it is healthy but it is the content or rather, need or influence of content on masturbation that is unhealthy. While I did not need content for it and did so with a clear mind (I don't feel any shame or guilt which I take as a good sign) I still felt like it was influenced by my usage of these apps so I will reset my counter today.
Not ideal but I am still positive for a number of reasons:
1. I am putting myself out there and even have a date coming up
2. I did not need to use imagery or apps to relieve myself, nor did I feel the guilt or shame that comes with using porn
3. I am being very harsh in terms of what constitutes a relapse and what doesn't, and though I feel good overall right now, I still need to be tougher on myself so the counter must be set to zero.
It would be naive of me to think, especially since I believe masturbation can be healthy, that at some point in my life I will never look at someone, be attracted or turned on and then later feel like relieving myself. But right now, however, I need to avoid such behaviour until I can deal with it in a healthier manner. Otherwise all that will happen is I will lull myself into a false sense of security by finding other, seemingly less insidious substitutes for porn.
Regardless, I will keep on trucking away with the other forum tasks I have set. Tomorrow I will focus on envisioning the next set of steps I need to take to avoid relapse and how I can address my porn addiction rather than ignore it.
I hope everyone is having a great week!
GenericJC
Member
Day 18
Hope you all are doing well!
Easy day today which was nice but when you are busy it's not much of an achievement. If we were busy all the time then I don't think any of us would struggle whatsoever, but life just isn't like that.
Having a call with my therapist on the weekend which will be a nice way to basically do this journal in person - I really recommend this to people here who aren't comfortable telling friends or family, as it can be a great way to get the guilt, shame and then also accomplishment from fighting this off your chest.
Will also look forward to this weekend as it tends to be my biggest relapse period so I'm ready to fight it again!
Hope you all are doing well!
Easy day today which was nice but when you are busy it's not much of an achievement. If we were busy all the time then I don't think any of us would struggle whatsoever, but life just isn't like that.
Having a call with my therapist on the weekend which will be a nice way to basically do this journal in person - I really recommend this to people here who aren't comfortable telling friends or family, as it can be a great way to get the guilt, shame and then also accomplishment from fighting this off your chest.
Will also look forward to this weekend as it tends to be my biggest relapse period so I'm ready to fight it again!
GenericJC
Member
Day 19
Actually had a couple urges today which reminded me of something I completely forgot to mention earlier in the week.
Earlier this week I had to remove my blockers in order to download an app I needed. These blockers are a lifeline of mine for fighting relapses, and while I know blockers can always be worked around, mine are extremely (almost inconveniently) thorough.
Anyways, I was aware that a common trigger point for me is when these blockers are removed and lo and behold, the moment, the absolute, exact moment I turned them off to download the app I needed, I immediately felt my heart rate rise. That initial dopamine hit (if that's what that was) was insane and I knew I was in search mode. Luckily, since I think this current attempt is going pretty well I was aware enough of that to say no to it, install said app and then immediately reapply my blockers, but it was nonetheless fascinating to see that surge of adrenaline. It's a huge reminder that we may sometimes feel like we have beaten or are beating this, but it really is just lying there dormant, waiting to be woken up. We have to address our issues not ignore them, otherwise they are simply frozen in time and can strike when you least expect.
I'm aware blockers are useful tools, and one day I hope to be strong enough not to need them, but for the time being I DEFINITELY need them in place.
Hope you've all had a great Friday and have a good weekend ahead!
Actually had a couple urges today which reminded me of something I completely forgot to mention earlier in the week.
Earlier this week I had to remove my blockers in order to download an app I needed. These blockers are a lifeline of mine for fighting relapses, and while I know blockers can always be worked around, mine are extremely (almost inconveniently) thorough.
Anyways, I was aware that a common trigger point for me is when these blockers are removed and lo and behold, the moment, the absolute, exact moment I turned them off to download the app I needed, I immediately felt my heart rate rise. That initial dopamine hit (if that's what that was) was insane and I knew I was in search mode. Luckily, since I think this current attempt is going pretty well I was aware enough of that to say no to it, install said app and then immediately reapply my blockers, but it was nonetheless fascinating to see that surge of adrenaline. It's a huge reminder that we may sometimes feel like we have beaten or are beating this, but it really is just lying there dormant, waiting to be woken up. We have to address our issues not ignore them, otherwise they are simply frozen in time and can strike when you least expect.
I'm aware blockers are useful tools, and one day I hope to be strong enough not to need them, but for the time being I DEFINITELY need them in place.
Hope you've all had a great Friday and have a good weekend ahead!
GenericJC
Member
Day 21
Weekend actually passed by with very little difficulty which is great. I had a good chat with my therapist on the weekend and really dove into reasons why I relapse when I do.
A large part of it is driven by boredom. I'm someone who can't quite sit still and struggles to relax, and so in situations where I am bored I naturally start to crave something exciting.
I was aware of this not 2 hours ago, sitting at home after the gym in front of the tv. I thought to myself, 'man I'm bored, what would I normally do right now' and the answer was 'oh yeah, I'd relapse'. Luckily I've got a lot of study that I need to get done, so it was easy to say no to, but I think I am gradually getting a better hang of why I use and learning to say no.
Even had a thought of 'well it's been long enough, there's probably something new' but I was actually able to tell myself 'yeah but that's going to be the case from now until the end of time, there will always be something new'.
I know not to get overconfident. After all, I havent even begun the journey, but for this weekend I feel pretty good about it.
Hope you've all had a good weekend too!
Weekend actually passed by with very little difficulty which is great. I had a good chat with my therapist on the weekend and really dove into reasons why I relapse when I do.
A large part of it is driven by boredom. I'm someone who can't quite sit still and struggles to relax, and so in situations where I am bored I naturally start to crave something exciting.
I was aware of this not 2 hours ago, sitting at home after the gym in front of the tv. I thought to myself, 'man I'm bored, what would I normally do right now' and the answer was 'oh yeah, I'd relapse'. Luckily I've got a lot of study that I need to get done, so it was easy to say no to, but I think I am gradually getting a better hang of why I use and learning to say no.
Even had a thought of 'well it's been long enough, there's probably something new' but I was actually able to tell myself 'yeah but that's going to be the case from now until the end of time, there will always be something new'.
I know not to get overconfident. After all, I havent even begun the journey, but for this weekend I feel pretty good about it.
Hope you've all had a good weekend too!
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
An interesting thought. There is always something new, but it's still always the same old demon with a new mask. Good on you to see through his trickery; keep on kicking his butt, man.
GenericJC
Member
Day 1
you read that right
Unfortunately I mega relapsed, BAD today. I'm very disappointed in myself, extremely so, but I must also say I am not surprised.
I have been so wrapped up in the past few weeks with a new direction in life I am taking that I got overconfident and ignored the warning signs. I'm now sitting here at the end of a big relapse wondering what the hell to do next.
In truth, I know what to do next. Pick myself back up and try again. But it's hard when you see so little progress sometimes, I mean sure I made it 21 days but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things.
I relapsed because I was sick and I couldn't sleep, and in my weakness I went searching. I've got 2, maybe 3 dates I've set up this week that I was super looking forward to (and still am) but I now know my brain will be fuzzy and my confidence shot prior. I'm also slightly concerned now about performance!
I think I might delete the dating apps for a while, they ended up just becoming another outlet for me.
Regardless, I know what I need to do next. I'll sleep tonight what amount I still can, will try and meditate in the morning and then reset up my blockers. I'm also using the recovery nation forum so I will restart those activities and try to fit them in my schedule.
Thank you everyone for the support in the past 20 days. It truly helped, and to be honest I will need it for the coming days as I restart this journey again. Here's to journalling everyday and making sure relapses like this never happen again!
you read that right
Unfortunately I mega relapsed, BAD today. I'm very disappointed in myself, extremely so, but I must also say I am not surprised.
I have been so wrapped up in the past few weeks with a new direction in life I am taking that I got overconfident and ignored the warning signs. I'm now sitting here at the end of a big relapse wondering what the hell to do next.
In truth, I know what to do next. Pick myself back up and try again. But it's hard when you see so little progress sometimes, I mean sure I made it 21 days but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things.
I relapsed because I was sick and I couldn't sleep, and in my weakness I went searching. I've got 2, maybe 3 dates I've set up this week that I was super looking forward to (and still am) but I now know my brain will be fuzzy and my confidence shot prior. I'm also slightly concerned now about performance!
I think I might delete the dating apps for a while, they ended up just becoming another outlet for me.
Regardless, I know what I need to do next. I'll sleep tonight what amount I still can, will try and meditate in the morning and then reset up my blockers. I'm also using the recovery nation forum so I will restart those activities and try to fit them in my schedule.
Thank you everyone for the support in the past 20 days. It truly helped, and to be honest I will need it for the coming days as I restart this journey again. Here's to journalling everyday and making sure relapses like this never happen again!
GenericJC
Member
Day 2
Did something yesterday I thought I never would. I told one of my parents the truth.
Was not an easy thing to psyche myself up to but in my mind it's a necessary step. A surprisingly easy conversation in the end and she wasn't too upset but agreed to be my confidante in this and also hold the QR code for my blocker apps.
It was weird talking about it out in the open with someone who wasn't my therapist and to admit to someone who loves you the truth about a part of you, especially one you fight so hard to conceal.
Ultimately though, a necessary step in the grand scheme of me beating this. Plus I'm always too boisterous about my achievements anyways, so I'll need someone I can tell when I finally feel ahead of this.
Other than that, nothing much to report today. Had some wild dreams, definitely had a triggering moment today but just thought about the monumental hurdle I had to jump through yesterday to confess and put it behind me. Going out tonight for the first date I've been on in months, so excited to start focusing on reality and not fantasy.
Chat to you all tomorrow!
Did something yesterday I thought I never would. I told one of my parents the truth.
Was not an easy thing to psyche myself up to but in my mind it's a necessary step. A surprisingly easy conversation in the end and she wasn't too upset but agreed to be my confidante in this and also hold the QR code for my blocker apps.
It was weird talking about it out in the open with someone who wasn't my therapist and to admit to someone who loves you the truth about a part of you, especially one you fight so hard to conceal.
Ultimately though, a necessary step in the grand scheme of me beating this. Plus I'm always too boisterous about my achievements anyways, so I'll need someone I can tell when I finally feel ahead of this.
Other than that, nothing much to report today. Had some wild dreams, definitely had a triggering moment today but just thought about the monumental hurdle I had to jump through yesterday to confess and put it behind me. Going out tonight for the first date I've been on in months, so excited to start focusing on reality and not fantasy.
Chat to you all tomorrow!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Yes, I believe that people who can't do this thing in solitude should seek help. Even emotional support helps, someone who understands what you're going through and whom you can talk to about it. If it's someone who really knows what's like to be a porn addict or addict in general and who could offer a good perspective it's maybe even better. For me, except for this forum, I have not told anybody in person about my porn addiction, I did about my alcohol addiction, and I did it while drunk
I definitely have a very big problem with talking about my problems face to face and I'm sure this has held me down big time so far. Talking about porn addiction with my parents is... I don't know. It's very weird. They are old school people, me and my parents have never had conversations like that, we've never talked about sex, dating or even condoms and STDs. So you can imagine. Me coming out of the blue to open a "sexual" subject let's say, it's crazy. I couldn't even tell my parents about my porn addiction even when I was drunk. But I did tell them about my alcohol problems and nothing really changed, I haven't made much progress anyway with it having told them. Maybe I should look for someone who knows what's like to be an addict because at least I know they understand me. One of the biggest fears of people is that the other person won't understand and will not display the "right" reaction to it. I mean, my parents are waiting for me to quit alcohol with no encouragement, no checking on me, no ideas, no advice, no "I know someone" no nothing. Will it make any difference if I told them about my porn addiction? Maybe not. Maybe instead I should go to AA. Unfortunately, there is no Porn Addicts Anonymous where I live, that would be absolutely amazing. Or maybe when, hopefully, I'm done with this porn bullshit, I will create one myself.Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Funny thing, though. I had a dream where I told my mom about my porn addiction.
GenericJC
Member
Hahaha Yeah particularly when you're fighting you begin to have interesting dreams. The number of times I've had dreams where I relapsed I can't even count, and it's a fascinating feeling waking up with guilt even though you haven't done anything wrong. It sometimes feels like the minds way of telling you why you've stopped.
I also never had the sex talk with my parents so this is really as close as I've come to it, so it was a weird experience to have. I think it was particularly obvious in the way I carried myself that I had something to say though, so that made it easier.
Day 3
Honestly today was fine, no urges, focused on work and social sport and mostly recovered from being sick.. ultimately I blame my relapse on me being sick and being unprepared to deal with the negative emotions that come with that.
But feeling positive today, I don't know why but having come clean about it I feel different. Like less guilty and ashamed. Not going to let this make me overconfident but it does feel a lot like a weight off my chest, an embarassing one though!
I'm also going through a someone turbulent period outside of this addiction so it will be particularly important for me to start dealing with uncertainty and discomfort in a healthy way
I hope you are feeling good, and remember that this is not an easy thing to beat. Don't feel weak that you haven't beat it, rather be happy about the strength it has taken for you to get this far!
GenericJC
Member
Day 4
Nothing major today, couple minor points but nothing that wasn't easy to ignore and say no to. Heading into another weekend but feeling fairly confident about it given its usually 2 weeks onwards that poses any kind of significant threat.
Regardless this weekend is going to be about study and resetting the habits that helped me last streak, which is primarily frequent journalling and time aside during the day to think about why I'm doing this and what I want to become.
Hope you all have a great Friday and a good weekend ahead!
Nothing major today, couple minor points but nothing that wasn't easy to ignore and say no to. Heading into another weekend but feeling fairly confident about it given its usually 2 weeks onwards that poses any kind of significant threat.
Regardless this weekend is going to be about study and resetting the habits that helped me last streak, which is primarily frequent journalling and time aside during the day to think about why I'm doing this and what I want to become.
Hope you all have a great Friday and a good weekend ahead!
GenericJC
Member
Day 6
Okay I said I wouldn't miss another day but I did but I have a very good reason for it. I went home with someone after a night out and it was a very interesting experience!
Ive always had DE as a result of porn use but I experienced PIED for the first time which was fascinating to actually see the negative impacts from a physical sense. I'm writing this as if it is super positive when it's not, but it was a great motivator to actually see the negative impacts this could have if I keep using. Was also fantastic to be able to compare real sex with porn for the first time in a while and grossly clinical porn can be, it misses the fun you have in real life connecting with someone else.
Anyways, this technically means I've failed the O part of PMO but I'm willing to allow that in this case. Will focus on avoiding the PM as that's always been problematic.
I hope every has had a great weekend. The main point of my entry today is to highlight that you can view some of these challenges as positive. I always find it's easier to work against something when you can see physical progress rather than mental, and so actually seeing PIED in action and being able have a physical goal I can see is super motivating.
Okay I said I wouldn't miss another day but I did but I have a very good reason for it. I went home with someone after a night out and it was a very interesting experience!
Ive always had DE as a result of porn use but I experienced PIED for the first time which was fascinating to actually see the negative impacts from a physical sense. I'm writing this as if it is super positive when it's not, but it was a great motivator to actually see the negative impacts this could have if I keep using. Was also fantastic to be able to compare real sex with porn for the first time in a while and grossly clinical porn can be, it misses the fun you have in real life connecting with someone else.
Anyways, this technically means I've failed the O part of PMO but I'm willing to allow that in this case. Will focus on avoiding the PM as that's always been problematic.
I hope every has had a great weekend. The main point of my entry today is to highlight that you can view some of these challenges as positive. I always find it's easier to work against something when you can see physical progress rather than mental, and so actually seeing PIED in action and being able have a physical goal I can see is super motivating.
GenericJC
Member
Day 8
Nearly missed today but I suppose that's a bit of overconfidence coming in to distract me! Have not had any not distractions nor urges today or yesterday which is fantastic but again this is early days.
Have gotten back into the gym after a period of inactivity. My last relapse was fueled by feeling sick and being unable to exercise so it is a nice feeling to start lifting some serious weights and feeling a burn.
Because of study I've had to sacrifice a bit of gym time recently and that I know will lead to me feeling lazy, inactive and therefore put me at a higher risk of relapse. However, as long as I am aware of this and prepared to deal with the negative emotions in a healthy manner, I will be fine.
Hope your weeks are all going well!
Nearly missed today but I suppose that's a bit of overconfidence coming in to distract me! Have not had any not distractions nor urges today or yesterday which is fantastic but again this is early days.
Have gotten back into the gym after a period of inactivity. My last relapse was fueled by feeling sick and being unable to exercise so it is a nice feeling to start lifting some serious weights and feeling a burn.
Because of study I've had to sacrifice a bit of gym time recently and that I know will lead to me feeling lazy, inactive and therefore put me at a higher risk of relapse. However, as long as I am aware of this and prepared to deal with the negative emotions in a healthy manner, I will be fine.
Hope your weeks are all going well!
GenericJC
Member
Day 12
Have not journalled in a while but figured today was a great example for why I should. Had no urges for the past week and even at one point had to remove my blockers to download an app for work and was able to install said app, put the blockers back on and then give the code to my parents without any real risk.
The main reason I'm journalling today though, is that I feel awful! Genuinely down, and I'm actually kind of happy about that.
Right now I'm hungover, injured from a sporting injury earlier in the week and also got turned down by someone I've had a crush on for a while, which is just a raw combination of bad emotions.... However, I'm dealing with them in a healthy way by just experiencing them! I don't think I've felt like this in a while and it feels good to hurt again in a strange way, to not be numb or to try and numb myself.
I mean it also sucks big time but it feels good to feel normal. The fact that I can lean into this and not want to just numb the pain away is a healthy sign.
That's all for today, just want to highlight the flatline might be beginning and the with it comes the discomfort and the pain, but that's all part of the healing process.
Have not journalled in a while but figured today was a great example for why I should. Had no urges for the past week and even at one point had to remove my blockers to download an app for work and was able to install said app, put the blockers back on and then give the code to my parents without any real risk.
The main reason I'm journalling today though, is that I feel awful! Genuinely down, and I'm actually kind of happy about that.
Right now I'm hungover, injured from a sporting injury earlier in the week and also got turned down by someone I've had a crush on for a while, which is just a raw combination of bad emotions.... However, I'm dealing with them in a healthy way by just experiencing them! I don't think I've felt like this in a while and it feels good to hurt again in a strange way, to not be numb or to try and numb myself.
I mean it also sucks big time but it feels good to feel normal. The fact that I can lean into this and not want to just numb the pain away is a healthy sign.
That's all for today, just want to highlight the flatline might be beginning and the with it comes the discomfort and the pain, but that's all part of the healing process.
GenericJC
Member
Day 15
No real urges yet which is great but has a fun experience last night. Dreamt I relapsed!
I love those dreams because they give you a snippet of what the guilt and shame feels like and a solid reminder of why you are doing this. It also strikes me as a way the brain recovering and starting to try and deter us from falling back into these habits. In my opinion, it's one of the best feelings waking up from those dreams as it just reinvigorates the fight in you.
I hope you are all doing well and getting through this!
No real urges yet which is great but has a fun experience last night. Dreamt I relapsed!
I love those dreams because they give you a snippet of what the guilt and shame feels like and a solid reminder of why you are doing this. It also strikes me as a way the brain recovering and starting to try and deter us from falling back into these habits. In my opinion, it's one of the best feelings waking up from those dreams as it just reinvigorates the fight in you.
I hope you are all doing well and getting through this!
GenericJC
Member
Day 24
Have not been posting here neeeearly enough as I should have. So far the past 9 days have been absolutely fine, have had a couple of instances of urges and also potential times and places for relapses but nothing that I could not overcome.
That is not to say I am through this. That would be blatantly naive, but I have begun to realise there is a clear pathway outwards. I have focused on the fact that porn is a mere distraction from negative emotions and a nummer of these and so have leaned into fully embracing the negative. Sure, I feel shitty more often but that's to be expected when you are confronting these things head on.
Also have had a couple situations where I've acknowledged this overconfidence, such as removing a blocker for ease of use on the computer and acknowledging that it was far too soon for any kind of wall to come down.
I hope you've all been great this past week and a half and I will look to journal and interact with you all on your threads. Hope your journeys are going well!
Have not been posting here neeeearly enough as I should have. So far the past 9 days have been absolutely fine, have had a couple of instances of urges and also potential times and places for relapses but nothing that I could not overcome.
That is not to say I am through this. That would be blatantly naive, but I have begun to realise there is a clear pathway outwards. I have focused on the fact that porn is a mere distraction from negative emotions and a nummer of these and so have leaned into fully embracing the negative. Sure, I feel shitty more often but that's to be expected when you are confronting these things head on.
Also have had a couple situations where I've acknowledged this overconfidence, such as removing a blocker for ease of use on the computer and acknowledging that it was far too soon for any kind of wall to come down.
I hope you've all been great this past week and a half and I will look to journal and interact with you all on your threads. Hope your journeys are going well!
GenericJC
Member
Day 41!
Hi everyone, hope you've all been well. Have not written in awhile but decided to write a journal tonight as I've been feeling some urges lately and want to clear my mind.
Past few weeks have a tually been quite easy and have been able to say no to the urges though recently have felt a bit of a rising in urges. Obviously this whole thing will come in ebbs and flows but I haven't let my guard down yet! The other day I was watching tv on my laptop in bed and immediately started getting urges as that's a common relapse position and I hadn't been in it for ages. I closed my laptop and read a book instead until the urges eased and I went to bed. Scary how easy it seems until you start firing up the old habits and realise the pathways are still there!
Have also been rewiring myself with someone and have definitely noticed the PIED! It's not awful but I it has prevented me a couple of times from being intimate. It's embarrassing but a great motivator for continuing this journey.
Have been reading a lot of your stories and I can't emphasises how much it helps to hear about similarities in our problems and to actually see some of you beat this. Wishing you guys (and myself) all the luck and strength we need to continue to fight this.
Hi everyone, hope you've all been well. Have not written in awhile but decided to write a journal tonight as I've been feeling some urges lately and want to clear my mind.
Past few weeks have a tually been quite easy and have been able to say no to the urges though recently have felt a bit of a rising in urges. Obviously this whole thing will come in ebbs and flows but I haven't let my guard down yet! The other day I was watching tv on my laptop in bed and immediately started getting urges as that's a common relapse position and I hadn't been in it for ages. I closed my laptop and read a book instead until the urges eased and I went to bed. Scary how easy it seems until you start firing up the old habits and realise the pathways are still there!
Have also been rewiring myself with someone and have definitely noticed the PIED! It's not awful but I it has prevented me a couple of times from being intimate. It's embarrassing but a great motivator for continuing this journey.
Have been reading a lot of your stories and I can't emphasises how much it helps to hear about similarities in our problems and to actually see some of you beat this. Wishing you guys (and myself) all the luck and strength we need to continue to fight this.