New to group

[Blondebee]

A bomb went off in our home 6 weeks ago yesterday. Hoping this group can help me to understand more about my feelings and understand what my husband has done and his recovery. About 6 years ago my husband told me to quit pressuring him about sex. Our intimacy had slowed down and then basically stopped to the point of maybe 3x/year. He said it was due to his age(early 50’s), energy level and schedule. Not wanting to upset him, I didn’t bug him about it as I didn’t want his ego/masculinity to be hurt. Six weeks ago I got a message to please call a stranger as he had info regarding my husband cheating on me with a man. This stranger them gave me enough info and very graphic pics that my husband had sent to his fiancé. Shock! Not only was my husband cheating, but he had been with another man. After confronting him and being lied to for several days, my husband came clean about what he had been doing for the past 13 years. He spends 1/2 of every month away from home so had the time and privacy to get addicted to porn. It started as simply watching and then grew to PMO and chat rooms and the past two years even meeting up with actual men. He said he had PMO with a few women in chat rooms early on, but had felt so guilty and felt he was cheating. By this time he had PIED with me and he now needed to have others watch him to feel manly. Men were easy to find and the guilt/shame wasn’t as bad. He admits he has never been with another person physically which definitely helps. He was an exhibitionist/martymachlio. It has been six weeks and my initial hurt isn’t as devastating. He has completely taken control of his recovery and for that I am ecstatic and so proud! I am struggling with betrayal and grief. We were the couple everyone else strives to be like. Our boys are struggling with their dads actions. I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow and have read/researched everything I can find. I want my marriage to survive, but need support on down days. I had no idea and often feel like a fool for not pressing the issue of our sex life more. I wish I could have helped sooner for all of our sakes.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Blondebee

Welcome. You will find this a great forum. I expect some ladies on here will help and (we) men too. You’ll need to give us a bit more information but short answer/question fro me: is your husband seeking help? If the answer is yes and you work with him then recovery (so I am told) is not only possible but life affirming.

 

[Sammyjo]

Hi Blondebee,

I was going to say welcome to the group, but I feel more like saying sorry you're here.

Maybe you could start by sharing a bit of the background story and where you are at with your feelings. If you read through some of the partners' posts you will find that although there are a lot of similarities on how we feel and react, there are a lot of differences as well. Gracie also has a thread that has a ton of information.

Also very informative to read some of the recovering P addict's posts to really understand the nature of the beast.

 

[Blondebee]

Hi @Blondebee

Welcome. You will find this a great forum. I expect some ladies on here will help and (we) men too. You’ll need to give us a bit more information but short answer/question fro me: is your husband seeking help? If the answer is yes and you work with him then recovery (so I am told) is not only possible but life affirming.

I edited my initial post to give more insight.

 

[Blondebee]

Hi Blondebee,

I was going to say welcome to the group, but I feel more like saying sorry you're here.

Maybe you could start by sharing a bit of the background story and where you are at with your feelings. If you read through some of the partners' posts you will find that although there are a lot of similarities on how we feel and react, there are a lot of differences as well. Gracie also has a thread that has a ton of information.

Also very informative to read some of the recovering P addict's posts to really understand the nature of the beast.

I edited my post to include more info. Your initial sentence is so true.

 

[Sammyjo]

WOW! That is a lot to digest. It sure sounds like you got full disclosure (no pun intended). That is definitely a good first step toward healing. You've done the research, so you are aware of how difficult overcoming this addiction can be. Have you thought about how you will handle if he slips up? (For me, I am expecting slip ups, but deceit is no longer tolerable.)

Our intimacy had slowed down and then basically stopped to the point of maybe 3x/year. He said it was due to his age(early 50’s), energy level and schedule. Not wanting to upset him, I didn’t bug him about it as I didn’t want his ego/masculinity to be hurt.

They play that card a lot - put the guilt on us.

I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow and have read/researched everything I can find. I want my marriage to survive, but need support on down days. I had no idea and often feel like a fool for not pressing the issue of our sex life more. I wish I could have helped sooner for all of our sakes.

I have not been to therapy yet - long story and don't want to hijack your thread. I am now seeking out counselors so I can figure out if I can handle staying in our marriage (I want that more than anything), and what I need from him to feel secure in our marriage again.

Although they say hind sight is 20/20, as far as pressing him, I don't think it would have helped. I'm not super religious, but I think this addiction is satan himself. I know in my case the more I questioned or pressed the angrier he got. (Tell tale sign in retrospect.) As for feeling like a fool, I feel that way often, I think we all do. I try to remember to tell myself that I wasn't a fool, he was a liar. The tricky part (I think) is regaining the ability to trust. My husband would say "you can't have a marriage without trust", which in turn made me feel guilty for being suspicious....which in the long run made me feel like a fool.

It's good to here he has taken complete control of his recovery! That is a wonderful sign!

Here to try to help support, at the very least you have a completely understanding ear, I hope you can help me too.

 

[Blondebee]

WOW! That is a lot to digest. It sure sounds like you got full disclosure (no pun intended). That is definitely a good first step toward healing. You've done the research, so you are aware of how difficult overcoming this addiction can be. Have you thought about how you will handle if he slips up? (For me, I am expecting slip ups, but deceit is no longer tolerable.)

They play that card a lot - put the guilt on us.

I have not been to therapy yet - long story and don't want to hijack your thread. I am now seeking out counselors so I can figure out if I can handle staying in our marriage (I want that more than anything), and what I need from him to feel secure in our marriage again.

Although they say hind sight is 20/20, as far as pressing him, I don't think it would have helped. I'm not super religious, but I think this addiction is satan himself. I know in my case the more I questioned or pressed the angrier he got. (Tell tale sign in retrospect.) As for feeling like a fool, I feel that way often, I think we all do. I try to remember to tell myself that I wasn't a fool, he was a liar. The tricky part (I think) is regaining the ability to trust. My husband would say "you can't have a marriage without trust", which in turn made me feel guilty for being suspicious....which in the long run made me feel like a fool.

It's good to here he has taken complete control of his recovery! That is a wonderful sign!

Here to try to help support, at the very least you have a completely understanding ear, I hope you can help me too.

Thank you for your comments. I also worry about relapses, but we have talked about being transparent. I’m hoping the therapist can give me some insight regarding setting boundaries. My husband talks about how good he feels now that his secret is out and struggles with the fact that it is a new struggle for me. It’s a roller coaster for sure. How long have you been married? We have our 30th coming up in September. Please reach out anytime.

 

[Blondebee]

WOW! That is a lot to digest. It sure sounds like you got full disclosure (no pun intended). That is definitely a good first step toward healing. You've done the research, so you are aware of how difficult overcoming this addiction can be. Have you thought about how you will handle if he slips up? (For me, I am expecting slip ups, but deceit is no longer tolerable.)

They play that card a lot - put the guilt on us.

I have not been to therapy yet - long story and don't want to hijack your thread. I am now seeking out counselors so I can figure out if I can handle staying in our marriage (I want that more than anything), and what I need from him to feel secure in our marriage again.

Although they say hind sight is 20/20, as far as pressing him, I don't think it would have helped. I'm not super religious, but I think this addiction is satan himself. I know in my case the more I questioned or pressed the angrier he got. (Tell tale sign in retrospect.) As for feeling like a fool, I feel that way often, I think we all do. I try to remember to tell myself that I wasn't a fool, he was a liar. The tricky part (I think) is regaining the ability to trust. My husband would say "you can't have a marriage without trust", which in turn made me feel guilty for being suspicious....which in the long run made me feel like a fool.

It's good to here he has taken complete control of his recovery! That is a wonderful sign!

Here to try to help support, at the very least you have a completely understanding ear, I hope you can help me too.

Please reach out anytime. I’m hoping for support through this group myself.

 

[Sammyjo]

How long have you been married? We have our 30th coming up in September.

33, also in September. Dreading this one right now, hopefully that feeling improves by then.