Book - Worthy of Her Trust

[Sammyjo]

Someone mentioned this book as a helpful read. Wondering if any have read it. I've read mixed reviews on it. Some saying it was a Godsend and others saying it puts the work/blame back on the partner of the addict. Looking for ways to rebuild the trust without having to babysit or stalk him.

edit: I went to Amazon and clicked on "look inside" and realized it sounded familiar. Apparently I have it on my kindle and stopped reading it at 50%...not sure why.

 

[Sammyjo]

We finally started reading this book this weekend. Seems good so far. EDIT: This is NOT the book we started it was Hold Me Tight.

A little history...
When I found out about his P useage this time I wanted nothing to do with self help (for me)...I did all that self help for a couple years because of the lack of connection between us. He had me believing it was just me being insecure but it turned out it was his P use drawing him away from me. My thought - my feeling was YOUR TURN TO DO THE WORK! Turns out he is willing to do the work, but not willing to figure out what work needs to be done. Past is in the past, time heals all wounds...yada yada yada.

Last week I was doing some reading about types of sex/porn addicts and ran into something eye opening. Apparently I have become somewhat mentally abusive towards my husband. Historically I would've said he has a bit of that in him, much easier for him to sarcastically question or criticize than show positive emotion, he has been working on this for a few years, his sarcasm and critical nature are in better check, but showing love - well, sometimes I just think his well is empty. Historically I am the kind, forgiving cheerleader - Now I goad him into fights. (Not on everyday, but probably once a week.) I believe it is happening because he has a difficult time expressing positive or loving emotions, so I hint around that I need some reassurance and when I don't get it I remind him of all the negative stuff he's done and tell him he is an emotional stone.

So the book....first chapter speaks of a couple going through counseling and the similarities are amazing! I will say the women are a lot meaner than I am (terrible name calling, something I have yet to stoop to). She tries to get reassurance, he doesn't recognize it, she gets mean, he shuts down.

Then there are questions to go over together. I had already realized how I was acting out, but it shed more light on to how his lack of ability to engage in softer emotions feeds my fear.

@GBS Do you think your wife might read this book with you? The goal of the book is to bring couples closer together. Based on EFT (emotionally focused therapy)

We had a lot of good conversation. I think we'll tackle one chapter each weekend as the work week seems too busy to focus...or maybe that should be the goal - to CARVE out daily time to work on us.

On a side note, I can't help but notice how the SO's seem to disappear. 1 or 2 posts and then poof. Is it that they walk away from the relationship? Is it that it's too hard to think about?

I know I post sporadically. For me it's because it's hard to talk about the work my husband "isn't doing". He not doing therapy, no forums. I feel like if he were serious about fixing us he would take the lead. He is not taking the lead, but he is willing to follow my lead. So we will see where this takes us.

 

[Gracie]

So, I will start with similarity. I think it is hard for the addict to see how much the marriage has changed. Most women notice that it is different but cannot figure the source of the different. My husband actually said he didn’t think I wanted sex anymore. But once we were post discovery and talked, admitted it wasn’t anything I did or refused. It was I didn’t lust like the ones he was watching. So I believe for partners, we feel the change. For us, we read Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. It is about communicating and how we perpetuate the same communication even though it isn’t working. We worked through the book much like you are planning. I would read a chapter out loud to him. And while reading we would talk about how we fit or did not fit with the chapter. Then he would read a chapter out loud. It was helpful. The work is not the easiest, but it grows you together. BTW Sue Johnson was one of the first to use EFT.
Good Luck!

 

[Gracie]

On a side note, I can't help but notice how the SO's seem to disappear. 1 or 2 posts and then poof. Is it that they walk away from the relationship? Is it that it's too hard to think about?

SOs do leave. I do not know why. There were some in the earlier time that stayed a while and we had a lot of communication going. Then we had a couple of trolls that were truly awful. And suddenly it was just me. For them also I think it was difficult and they had life choices to make. There were commenters that would say you need to leave the guy. I could never do that. I would say it is your choice and make sure you are safe. Then there were men who would say here in partner section if we don’t give our men sex, looking at porn is okay. And for some women reading men’s section and seeing some of what was there as they tried to learn more since the man was not communicating they saw comments about the way our bodies (vagina) changed with having kids, or weight put on, or being tired after job and kids, some were about menopause and wife being ill. Making it seem it was our fault they used.

This walk as an SO is not for the faint of heart. It is an emotional minefield and tough. The reward, if both are working to get through it together, is great! Sometimes it is tough for me to be here. And to remember the year from hell. But I hope every time I post that I help just one get things moving toward the healing. Help men understand that two working towards that great reward makes it easier. (Yep guys I know you know your wife. I also know that when wife not included it takes a lot longer to not watch ever again). So it makes it hard to stay. And I would love to know how some turned out.