The dark places will always be present, but don’t let that keep you from looking for the light

CloseToToast

CloseToToast

Active Member
Holy Moly almost a year ago was my last post... Not proud of that. Today is day 8 and damn saying that feels good. Mentality in the positive, clarity now that i am a week away from the poison, feeling focused & driven. I now have a 9 month old son on top of the wonderful daughters i have. I need to show him & them a life I am proud of. That discipline & Motivation can make you unstoppable.

I have though made chinks in the armor that keeps the poison undefeated. My valleys not so low or so deep and not for so long, celebrated plenty of peaks! weeks/months/performance milestones. However i have not rid myself of this grip Porn has on me to some degree and when it rears its ugly head i fall hard. I have pin pointed that my fall back to the evil is usually now from intimacy imbalances between my wife and I. Or i tell myself that is why. I know its addiction. Sure circumstances play into that and her and I have begun to figure that out or create a plan. But none of that will matter if i dont hold my end of the responsibility by beating Porn
 
CloseToToast

CloseToToast

Active Member
Day 9 free of Porn/M/O, Day 60 of being back at the gym. Still working on consistently eating in a Deficit, hunger spikes lead to snacking. Trying to fight that today by bringing 4 hard boiled eggs with me for in between meal snacks. This morning was Leg day. Glad that i am craving the gym each day, if i miss a day i really notice it. Weight lift Mon thru Fri (weekends off besides steps/cardio from yardwork/projects/playing with the kids.

Have an awesome Tuesday Everyone!
 
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CloseToToast

Active Member
Blondie said:
glad to see you back! Well that sounds weird, but you know what I mean. :cool:
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Haha appreciate it! Almost laughed out loud in the office. It feels good being back & sharing very much so!

on a side note breakfast was 1 chicken breast, 1/2 cup jasmine rice, half a bag of steamed corn and i used Salsa Verde as my sauce and for some reason that was on point, incredibly satisfying. Keeping food prep simple by eating the same thing for Breakfast & Lunch on that given day.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
WinkTinkTillium said:
on a side note breakfast was 1 chicken breast, 1/2 cup jasmine rice, half a bag of steamed corn and i used Salsa Verde as my sauce and for some reason that was on point, incredibly satisfying. Keeping food prep simple by eating the same thing for Breakfast & Lunch on that given day
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Nice that sounds good! I'm eating a lot of eggs, tuna, and chicken these days, keeping carbs to a minimum and protein shakes too.

Let's keep moving!
 
I

iampf

Member
WinkTinkTillium said:
Holy Moly almost a year ago was my last post... Not proud of that. Today is day 8 and damn saying that feels good. Mentality in the positive, clarity now that i am a week away from the poison, feeling focused & driven. I now have a 9 month old son on top of the wonderful daughters i have. I need to show him & them a life I am proud of. That discipline & Motivation can make you unstoppable.

I have though made chinks in the armor that keeps the poison undefeated. My valleys not so low or so deep and not for so long, celebrated plenty of peaks! weeks/months/performance milestones. However i have not rid myself of this grip Porn has on me to some degree and when it rears its ugly head i fall hard. I have pin pointed that my fall back to the evil is usually now from intimacy imbalances between my wife and I. Or i tell myself that is why. I know its addiction. Sure circumstances play into that and her and I have begun to figure that out or create a plan. But none of that will matter if i dont hold my end of the responsibility by beating Porn
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Nice work dude. Seems like we’re at a similar stage in our recovery. With a background of attempts to quit lingering in the past.

Keep strong. Keep active. Day 9 today - keep at it.
 
CloseToToast

CloseToToast

Active Member
iampf said:
Nice work dude. Seems like we’re at a similar stage in our recovery. With a background of attempts to quit lingering in the past.

Keep strong. Keep active. Day 9 today - keep at it.
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Thanks iampf, appreciate it!

Day 10, onward and upward :) Feeling pretty darn good but being cognizant of the dangers
I really like Blondie's updates on Weight and Body Fat % and since i share in the same goals of getting healthy as my main discipline builder and delayed gratification to help with Porn Addiction I am hopping on that share wagon since i face challenges with food addiction 100% as well. So here goes my accountability for it as well

Weight - 292.8
Body Fat - 39.4%
 
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CloseToToast

Active Member
Blondie said:
I like it
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Thanks Blondie! its been my new go to for different things Gaming, Forums, etc. I find it especially fitting to reflect on for here because P is always there ready to take, to poison, and to control. I have been close to toast (play on words for biting the dust/falling into the deep end) and I will remember it as a way to say look how far i have come.

Day 12
Weight - 291.2
Body Fat - 39.1%
 
CloseToToast

CloseToToast

Active Member
iampf said:
Nice work toast. You too!

How are you measuring your body fat %? I might get on this train too haha
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Thanks iampf!

Day 13 & Day 14 Today. Haven't weighed in yesterday and today but will tomorrow.
Will be up weight/body fat possibly because of not controlling my eating/drinking at the cookout yesterday

iampf said:
How are you measuring your body fat %
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I am using a smartscale brand is called Renpho. Shows water weight body fat lean muscle your MBR calories and a ton of other details. Uses electricity impulses to measure through your feet
 
CloseToToast

CloseToToast

Active Member
Back to the work grind! Will be a busy week and may not be as active. Head down and drive through. Its end of the fiscal year review season for my team and a prior team, so I have 16 performance reviews to write before EOD Friday.

Day 15 though and i am very happy about that. Did connect with the wifey physically this past Friday. It was fun non stressful and not a forced performance, everything happened as it should. I did not have the chaser effect that plagued me pretty bad last time i started this fight.
I have dealt with delayed orgasm from porn, I have dealt with the not working at all in the sex department, and now I am facing (hard to write about this) premature orgasm. It has been premature consistently in all of the physical connections the wife and i have had for the last year so i know its tied to Porn use and the way I would try to quickly chase the O through masturbation. The Porn corrupted my response pathways and the way i masturbated destroyed my ability to last. I have read and heard from different YouTube stories/coaches that time away from porn and healing my pathways will help with this too so i am just going to have to go forward on faith on this one. But their i have shared the thing that is the worst for me.

Alright now onto weight & bodyfat. I think the results from the scale are inflated due to sodium/sugar intake from the weekend and water retention etc because there is no way i ate that much to vary as much as i did in my numbers below but it is what it is. Can only be consistent and do better!
AND! most importantly i will gladly fight this eating/weight loss fight as it is that last thing i set out to change.

Weight - 296.2
Body Fat - 40.2%
 
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