The dark places will always be present, but don’t let that keep you from looking for the light

amedee

Member
parcours remarquable. Sa donne à ce préparateur. C'est mon jour 3 et l'idée de rechuter même au jour 180 me rôde dans l'esprit. Mais je travaille mes aptitudes et habitude pour tenir.
Votre expérience me motive à comprendre beaucoup.
merci.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
parcours remarquable. Sa donne à ce préparateur. C'est mon jour 3 et l'idée de rechuter même au jour 180 me rôde dans l'esprit. Mais je travaille mes aptitudes et habitude pour tenir.
Votre expérience me motive à comprendre beaucoup.
merci.
Merci @amedee The first few days can be the hardest but if I can do it, you can do it. Listen to yourself, be patient with yourself, focus on finding who you are and who you want to be and use that to push forward!
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Great to hear that your flatline is over, that stuff is no fun. Things always go up and down, its important to remember that. Ebb and flow. And hey, you passed two months! 👊
Thank you @downhillfromhere I appreciate the 2 month point out, sometimes we are so focused on the larger goals we forget to still celebrate the journey milestones so thank you!

Great job on 63 days brother!
Thank you @Warhawk88 onward and upward!!!!
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Good Morning/Day Everyone, Tuesday is upon us, Day 64 for me. Definitely felt really good at the gym this morning looking to keep activating that positive energy while at work we finish out August.

Nothing much else is going on beyond that and that is ok, keeping it simple, effective, and moving forward
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Day 65 - Had a good night last night, once the new coat/closet shelves rack thingy is anchored to the wall the Mudroom is done, finally.............. enjoyed building the son of a gun while the lady and I tried to guess who was going home next in Master Chef Jr and mimicking Gordan Ramsay

so far my Wednesday is crazy busy. Channeling my day through music. One of my favorite bands is Bad Omens. They are a great mix of a lot of variety and sounds in there styles of songs/albums.

The song titled The Worst In Me - makes me think about my past and the struggle Porn had/has over me, successes, reflections, relapses. It highlights the battle between, physical, mental, emotional. All at the same time highlighting that all it does is bring out the worst in me but yet by saying no we are letting our demons free


As always Fuck Porn, have a great day everyone!
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Day 66 - All is good on the report, good but busy evening, bed at 930, wake up today at 430, weightlifting from 540 to7am and kicked off work at 750 and once its 5 it will be Dinner, then off to the store for labor day BBQ food acquisition lol

Does any of that sound exciting? maybe not but its going to be one more awesome day without Porn!
 
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WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Thank you for the check in @Blondie!

I hope everyone had a great porn free weekend!

I am doing pretty good. Absolutely Wild Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon.

On the fuck porn front - no problems :) Day 71 today no PMO

Work was bonkers friday before the long weekend, Saturday was house prep/projects for the family Labor Day party on sunday. Sunday was pretty much all day party lol, let loose quite a bit. gave myself a break from tracking calories, ate what i wanted and had plenty of drinks to have a little escape. enjoyed the company and the festivities. Yesterday was clean up and recovery.

Facing some challenges with my emotions though. Fri/Sat then yesterday AM facing some fast and hard swinging flat lines and periods of very positive up's. Can be day by day (one day flat, the next normal). That tied in with some stress about the overall goal/scope/feasibility of money vs effort with renovating the house is causing friction. The feelings of needing to be patient while also wanting to just get things done because its been 2 years of hard effort (no closer to being complete) caused some stressful emotional conversations with my fiancé in regards to limits, energy etc. Without having a solid stress relief besides the gym/exercise, it was a rough weekend.

During the up periods over the last few days i have also been facing extreme horniness. No porn urges but intense attraction to my Fiance which on one hand is absolutely awesome to share. However she is also going through her own 90 days of no M/O - she has never had an issue with porn but she has a goal of not having to use a toy to be satisfied due to 10 to 15 years of her having to use one. So she is in a dont kiss, cuddle, pretty much anything that will turn her on. so being supportive of her journey since she is supportive of mine it is a bit difficult to not have much physical connection. Its not 100% null but I am just very much looking forward to 19 days from now when her and I think we will re-engage that side of the journey. Physically connecting to whatever degree it leads to.

A few different roller coasters that are being managed at the moment.

So plenty of good over the last 5 days, plenty of challenge.

Standing Firm while reflecting on what is next


300 Rain.jpg
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Day 72

Had a decent day at work yesterday and last evening/night was a nice break from the crazy. Enjoyed playing with my 8 month old and completed all of my office/gym day prep stuff done early so that i had time to just relax for an hour and a half before bed.

I am looking for some feedback from anyone that has completed a Hard Mode time frame and then re-incorporated sexual activity back into there healing/lifestyle. 90 days hard mode for me will be complete on 9/26. I expect to keep facing the ups and downs of flatlines, even when having successful sex with my fiancé, that is a given until a unknown future time of full healing. We also dont have any specific expectations surrounding how successful the sex is besides reconnecting on that level. From 90 days onward my plan is of course No Porn, and i am choosing No Masturbation, but partner only created orgasms in moderation will be allowed. Here as some of my thoughts or questions but i am open to anything you can share.
- Did you wait for any sort of set of characteristics or indicators of healing examples before you started re-incorporating sex? like no flatline or etc. (bad example though)​
- I currently have morning woods - not every day, some spans i have them every day for a week or two then sometimes its a few times a week with some back to back days on not having them - does that indicator matter in a negative way? i know its a sign of healing so ok check mark on that but should i wait for better consistency?​
Now i cant think of the other questions i might have so there's that, i am all ears​
I will listen to my body, if it works as normal then i will go ahead, if my body is telling me not today (no response to normal stimulus) then i will try again a different day and not force it while just focusing on bringing my fiancé satisfaction.​
 
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WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Day 74 - on a stay at home vaca away from work yesterday today and Monday. Finishing up shelves in the office, closing up the pool for the season today, apple picking with all of the munchkins & friends tomorrow.

Emotional level is still pung pong day to day or throughout the day, still not sure where thats coming from but sticking to the foundations:

Patience
Reflection/introspection
Fuck Porn
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Emotional level is still pung pong day to day or throughout the day, still not sure where thats coming from but sticking to the foundations:
Could be a flatline or it could be just real life. I'm still trying to get use to that myself.

When you've been running so long from reality, it's hard to know what is real or not.

You got this!
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Day 78 - Mental Status is non flatline - the normal ups and downs of life. Downstairs business is def still in a flat line. I hope rewiring starting in a few weeks helps that part out but patience and healing is all that we can do!

Sorry i have been quiet/less responsive lately. Work has picked up busy wise, still learning balance at home between normal life responsibilities, quality time, time for health, time for projects, time for me.
 
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