Taking the High Road

sho0fl

Active Member
I'm 29, M.

I want to start my journal with a poem by Robert Frost:


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.​


The Journey so far

Long ago in 2008 when I was 15 I got my first computer and internet access. I was big on playing games at the time and not being very sociable due to issues with confidence caused by puberty and acne.

But I guess my journey with porn started slightly earlier when I was M to sport magazine ladies. I have even cut them out from the magazines and kept them as my secret, hidden away from my parents. I was unaware of what the internet could provide and it didn't took long for me to discover.

From there on PMO messed up my entire life, which I have regrettably come to grasp just recently.

It started off simply by watching and learning new stuff online, I didn't have much access to real girls due to my looks at the time. But puberty does stuff to you and you realize that you have different needs. Unfortunately, for me those needs were satisfied in front of the monitor.

I started hitting the gym in hopes that I will get better looks and hence, girls... didn't happen. My entire sexuality was based of going in front of the monitor...

So, high school, university, after university as well, fast-forward this to my 29th birthday, it's 2022, P all the way.

If you're considering what time has passed, well, it's around 13 years... yeah, this hurts.

However, the grass is always greener on the other side, some say. People looking at me from the side could say I'm pretty successful - PMO has made me a straight-edge (not including this addiction) and I'm successful in my career. My income has increased drastically in the past two years and I'm quite satisfied with my lifestyle, take away the PMO and anxiety from intimacy.

I am addicted to working out, eating healthy and living a healthy lifestyle. I think that you begin to understand this might not be the full picture when you include PMO, right?

Finally, in this quick summary I'd like to say I have an issue with my penis, something referred to as frenulum-breve. This is also something that played a huge role in my sexuality as I can't fully expose my head through the skin and thus get less exposure during intercourse.

Sex Life

I've had multiple sexual partners, mostly paid ones. I've had a girl friend with which we've had sex a couple of times but I could never perform. Not realizing it was PIED, I thought it was because her body didn't excite me as much as what my messed up brain was used to.

The story was almost the same with the paid girls as well.

Poison in my Veins

During the years I've developed this craving for heavier stuff, and not P that involved sex but mostly BDSM. This is the poison that has been in my bloodstream for the past at least 5 years.

Finding out about the community, first attempts

The light of the person that raised me went out recently. I have promised myself that I would do better and rid myself of some addictions. What I have achieved so far is that I am no longer eating bad food and way more serious professionally. I've also promised I would stop PMO. This did not happen so far.

Last month I was on 4chan (one of the mediums I used to consume) and I read a thread that promoted reading the EasyPeasy method. After reading it I was angry with myself. But it made me realize, I can improve and do this. PMO is bad, I do not need it, I do not need it at all.

I've had 4 weeks without P, 3 weeks without MO. But training winds me up and I had to unwind the sexual energy within.

Yesterday, I decided to download a game and try it out, it was uncensored and that got me into the trap, having me PMO later without realizing what happened.

Today, I've read articles on YBOP and found myself writing this post.

Starting the Journey on the High Road

I've decided to first deal with my physical issue, having my frenulum-breve issue dealt with. I am expected to undergo a very simple procedure this month, that will finally allow me to fully expose my head.

I've decided to get to be social, I want to make friends and I'm readying stuff online on how to deal with anxiety and also gradually doing stuff to overcome it. Despite being somewhat good-looking, my confidence is at the bottom.

Finally, I am going to write in this Journal and not relapse this time, I got this guys. I'm going to read more research and hopefully, combining the Reboot, physical correction I can get rid of this addiction that made my life miserable so far.

To add to Frost's poem - I have taken the worst road so far. I cannot go back and remedy this, no matter what I do. But I will do everything I can to put myself on the right road.

I think I ca... I will do this
 

sho0fl

Active Member
I've read in My Thoughts on Rebooting that you should have a life vision set up, I already have this and I would like to share it here as well, I'll track progress as well:

Study - I do it regularly, it gives good results, I would like to continue this ✅
Work - Get more promotions, get better overall, better social skills in it 📈
Family - keep as is, we're good
Friends - expand my social circle, more friends and overall social experiences ⁉️
- to add, MORE dating and socializing with girls
Hobbies - none needed
Health - continue, I'm pretty satisfied with my health and fitness ✅
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Welcome to the forum Sho0fl. Sounds like you're doing well in life otherwise, you just need to get rid of the porn addiction. That means you have a real advantage over some of us, whose poor mental health led us to a porn addiction (that was my experience). Read all of the threads in this forum as you can, and if you haven't already be sure to read Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson to help better understand the addiction and how to beat it.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Thanks, appreciate it. I'd like to add something to your reply TryingHarder - A person's greatest strength might also be his greatest weakness and often is. I've also made it a goal to read through 1 journal per day.

If you, the person reading this, thinks anything of the above is an advantage or desired, please note the following - you can do this as well, any of it and all of it.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Day 2

My penis rose up before me, I can't help but having a strange tingling feeling in the head down there, anyway let it stay.

Went to the gym, that feeling still there during all of the workout, disappearing midday. Work.

No thoughts of P so far, I'm slightly concerned I might ejaculate due to this feeling but idc. Was interested in some P content yesterday, seeing things clearly today.

After work reading 60% of YBOP - really encourages me and gives me hope that any PIED and anxiety that I might have now I can beat in a different tomorrow.

To end the day I've gone out with an old (girl) friend to chat, nothing going on so might as well just enjoy some time out. Finishing the day reading philosophy, will update tomorrow.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Day 3

woke two times, at 3:30, and 4:50, was able to sleep tho

no gym, chillin, workin

installed blockers on desktop and iphone

moving on
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Day 4

Same as other days, morning wood, gym, work, reading through Eazy method and YBOP books, browsing the forum here.

Getting motivation for other activities and making plans how to expand on them - Reading / Studying / Working Out / Diet
 
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sho0fl

Active Member
Day 5

As with other days, I keep waking up twice, around 3:30 AM and 4-5 AM. I am getting good sleep though.

Morning wood still persists, it's weak and taking a leak quickly makes it disappear.

Hitting the Gym, getting some food and driving to work.

I've read some YBOP, EazyPeazy and then browsing here. After this report I'll try to study some and then read.

I'd like to come prepared to being more social. For this, I'd like to expand my horizons in multiple fields so I'm working on this.
In regards to Gym - thinking new routines and cultivating my own garden there.

In regards to P - I get some thoughts here and there but I manage to waive them quickly enough for them to even make a dent, I'm killing that monster man, no matter what it throws at me. I abstain from all material related to it.

In regards to MO - I've made it my task to do this without MO, I will take the hit of being horny if need be and have wet dreams but f*ck it, I'm doing something that matters for me, and my hands are not f*cking this up this time.

Anyone reading - let's stay strong people, for our own sakes.
 

tay97

Active Member
Yeah man, let's kill this little bastard of a monster! Do you know this one scene in Harry Potter where Harry meets voldemord? I picture my little monster like that haha. Starving to death.

Btw, love your active lifestyle!

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sho0fl

Active Member
Day 6

Wake up again, if anyone is taking this as a case study - note that this might not be in the 'insomnia' category, as I'm just in the first week (or maybe the first week of the second month, if you do not count my first relapse a thing). Morning wood again.

Gym -> Work -> some EazyPeazy/YBOP reading -> Here

I've made it a task for myself to focus entirely on my training this week. I'll try to improve my exercises and make sure that I increase my performance at the Gym.

I'm not thinking about P/M/O. I'm having some 'cues', however. I'll also go into daydreaming about how I've fixed my PMO issues and have begun dating again, would love to...

However, I'm trying to limit my thoughts in any direction regarding romance. I'll just use the X method where you would visualize a big red X over your thoughts, the thought grays out and it's suddenly a past. I've meditated on this and I've concluded that those fantasies are not going to help.

Finally, I've also done some changes with my PMO desk and I'm trying to rule out any other 'cues'. Thinking mostly about what Pavlov proved so I guess it will give a slight advantage in the long run.

I'm just Day 6 (or 35 with one relapse on 29) and the urges that I had previously about O are going away. Not sure if it's the dreaded flatline that's referred to but it might prove useful if it relieves me from thinking about O.

I'll try to include a poem for Day 7 tomorrow, so see you then.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Day 7

All good, working on improving Gym routine, almost all day

I'm getting better at shutting my fantasies, which I find to be the biggest problem for me. I don't have an urge for watching P. I'm fine with M and O at the moment as well.

I can't help it but daydream though, either for a brighter future and romance, or just girls I happen to see around (romance mostly, not erotic). I'm quickly shutting these down.

What helps with this is that I think to myself the following:
It's all good to think this, but thinking will not get me there. It's doing that will. So focus for the short-term, deal with this [email protected]#$ and those fantasies might just become reality, for once
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Day 8

Was able to sleep good tonight, no midnight wakeys.

All good now as well, working on myself the entire Sunday, Gym related, reading, chilling overall. Giving rest to the things that are to come this week.
 
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sho0fl

Active Member
Day 9

New routine in Gym, fixing issues with acne (and confidence). Work, Study.

The funny feeling for sex (maybe O) gets back from time while training, but meh let it stay.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Day 10

Still trying new stuff at the Gym, it's exciting learning new stuff. Work, study. Meetup with friends.

Funny feeling still tingling while exercising in the gym.

No need for P, M, or O (other than that feeling I guess) so far.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Day 11

Morning wood, slept around 5 hours and I am exhausted but I still managed to hit the Gym and I had energy.

Got a couple of thoughts about P but in a strange way, not that I want it but just some conditioning that needs to die out. It is dying.

Moving a step closer to solving the issue with my frenulum today. Will get an operation this month. I'll try to do it hardcore, without MO before it.

Reading, studying and will be going to bed earlier today.
 
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