I'm 29, M.
I want to start my journal with a poem by Robert Frost:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The Journey so far
Long ago in 2008 when I was 15 I got my first computer and internet access. I was big on playing games at the time and not being very sociable due to issues with confidence caused by puberty and acne.
But I guess my journey with porn started slightly earlier when I was M to sport magazine ladies. I have even cut them out from the magazines and kept them as my secret, hidden away from my parents. I was unaware of what the internet could provide and it didn't took long for me to discover.
From there on PMO messed up my entire life, which I have regrettably come to grasp just recently.
It started off simply by watching and learning new stuff online, I didn't have much access to real girls due to my looks at the time. But puberty does stuff to you and you realize that you have different needs. Unfortunately, for me those needs were satisfied in front of the monitor.
I started hitting the gym in hopes that I will get better looks and hence, girls... didn't happen. My entire sexuality was based of going in front of the monitor...
So, high school, university, after university as well, fast-forward this to my 29th birthday, it's 2022, P all the way.
If you're considering what time has passed, well,
it's around 13 years... yeah, this hurts.
However, the grass is always greener on the other side, some say. People looking at me from the side could say I'm pretty successful - PMO has made me a straight-edge (not including this addiction) and I'm successful in my career. My income has increased drastically in the past two years and I'm quite satisfied with my lifestyle, take away the PMO and anxiety from intimacy.
I am addicted to working out, eating healthy and living a healthy lifestyle. I think that you begin to understand this might not be the full picture when you include PMO, right?
Finally, in this quick summary I'd like to say I have an issue with my penis, something referred to as frenulum-breve. This is also something that played a huge role in my sexuality as I can't fully expose my head through the skin and thus get less exposure during intercourse.
Sex Life
I've had multiple sexual partners, mostly paid ones. I've had a girl friend with which we've had sex a couple of times but I could never perform. Not realizing it was PIED, I thought it was because her body didn't excite me as much as what my messed up brain was used to.
The story was almost the same with the paid girls as well.
Poison in my Veins
During the years I've developed this craving for heavier stuff, and not P that involved sex but mostly BDSM. This is the poison that has been in my bloodstream for the past at least 5 years.
Finding out about the community, first attempts
The light of the person that raised me went out recently. I have promised myself that I would do better and rid myself of some addictions. What I have achieved so far is that I am no longer eating bad food and way more serious professionally. I've also promised I would stop PMO. This did not happen so far.
Last month I was on 4chan (one of the mediums I used to consume) and I read a thread that promoted reading the EasyPeasy method. After reading it I was angry with myself. But it made me realize, I can improve and do this. PMO is bad, I do not need it, I do not need it at all.
I've had 4 weeks without P, 3 weeks without MO. But training winds me up and I had to unwind the sexual energy within.
Yesterday, I decided to download a game and try it out, it was uncensored and that got me into the trap, having me PMO later without realizing what happened.
Today, I've read articles on YBOP and found myself writing this post.
Starting the Journey on the High Road
I've decided to first deal with my physical issue, having my frenulum-breve issue dealt with. I am expected to undergo a very simple procedure this month, that will finally allow me to fully expose my head.
I've decided to get to be social, I want to make friends and I'm readying stuff online on how to deal with anxiety and also gradually doing stuff to overcome it. Despite being somewhat good-looking, my confidence is at the bottom.
Finally, I am going to write in this Journal and not relapse this time, I got this guys. I'm going to read more research and hopefully, combining the Reboot, physical correction I can get rid of this addiction that made my life miserable so far.
To add to Frost's poem - I have taken the worst road so far. I cannot go back and remedy this, no matter what I do. But I will do everything I can to put myself on the right road.
I think I ca... I will do this
. Will get a surgical intervention this month.
