A Better Me

Zeile

Member
I committed to cutting porn out of my life after watching Gary Wilson's Tedx talk "The Great Porn Experiment". Honestly, it just popped up on my youtube suggested videos at random. This was 3 days ago. Hearing the neurological effects of porn made me realize that I need to cut that shit out. I quit chewing tobacco 5,186 days ago using a forum similar to this. It made such a huge difference in my life. Everything I learned about addiction through that process rang true for the role porn plays (played) in my life. I need to rewire my brain and be a better man for myself and the people who depend on me.

My wife is currently struggling with depression. We’re meeting online with a couples counselor once a week. The main focus of our time has been discussing ways I can be more supportive and helping her feel confident in sharing her struggles. She is very private about her depression and anxiety. That said, our sex life has been pretty low for the last few months. I worry that I turn to porn as a replacement. In fact, I know I do this, and I justify it as a way to give my wife the space she needs. That's bullshit. I need to cut porn out completely and allow myself to be physically and emotionally available to my wife. I'm committed, and I'm glad I found this community as a way to connect with others about a topic that I never really discuss otherwise. One day at a time. I've got this!
 
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Zeile

Member
Day 4 - had some down time after everyone else was asleep last night and played a game of online chess. I just started playing 6 weeks ago. I hope this will be a positive alternative and not something that contributes to being distant in a new way. I almost feel addicted to chess in a way. Each game is novel and I get that dopamine hit when something goes my way. My immediate goal is to find some activity that I can do with my wife after kids are in bed. Maybe a board game, maybe The Office, maybe sex.
I’m glad I found this forum. Reading other people’s stories is cementing the damaging effects of porn for me, and demonstrating the positive impacts of cutting it out. I appreciate how honest and vulnerable people are in their discussions here.
 

Zeile

Member
Day 5. Last night, I thought of porn, thought of this site, and picked up a book instead. Feeling committed.
 

GBS

Active Member
You are in the right place. Keep going. If you get the urge for porn just go on this site and write something.
Good luck
 

Zeile

Member
Day 9. Not getting cocky, but the personal accountability provided by this forum has minimized any urges.
 

Zeile

Member
Day 10 - had some crazy dreams last night. Combo of sex, disc golf, Germans, chewing tobacco, and police chase.
 

GBS

Active Member
@Zeile - I promise I will read your journal every time you write. It will help me. Many others will read yours and not “like” or comment but that doesn’t mean you’re not a huge source of inspiration. So carry that with pride as you keep going. We’re all here for you and we all want exactly the same thing.
 

Zeile

Member
Day 11. Ah, no worries. I’m not concerned with likes or views - although I really appreciate your support. Honestly, I’m over 5,000 days quit from chewing tobacco and I’m hoping that how seriously I take my daily pledge on killthecan will transfer onto this issue as well. I joined an alcohol quit group as well 6 days ago. I don’t have a complicated story; I just want to cut porn and alcohol out of my routine, so I can be fully present for my family. These vices do nothing positive for me besides unnecessary distraction from life. One day at a time!
 

Zeile

Member
Day 13. I won’t recount the dream I had last night because it was basically a porn flick on acid. I’m assuming this is my brain rewiring itself, screaming for a fix. Not today, you sinister Neural Pathways.
 

GBS

Active Member
Yo @Zeile - your brain has many many tricks up his sleeve. If you look out for them it’s almost comical how obvious they are. It’s a straight fight to the death. You v your brain. My moneys on you.
 

Zeile

Member
Day 14. Researching the brain science is really helpful to me. Intense cravings are a symptom of my brain healing. Bring it on, I say.

On another note, this is probably the first time in 30 years I’ve gone without porn* for 2 whole weeks.

• if porn includes the Sears catalogue and my mom’s Jane Fonda workout videos. Maybe even a She-ra action figure.
 
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