100 Days and Counting

Zeile

Active Member
@Zeile . The advice is so simple. Unless telling your wife would be catastrophic, you just do it. Trust. She will trust you more afterwards and you will feel better for having revealed the secret. I also told my kids who are 20, 17 and 17. I confront so many things now without fear. In the old days if my wife said “we need to talk about something“ I would freeze inside and wonder which of my hidden flaws she was exposing. If she says that today, I just wonder if we’re talking about the cost of living crisis!
My worry: she’s currently taking time off of work to attend an intensive mental health program focusing on eating disorders and depression/suicide ideation. She’s gone 6 days per week from noon until 8 pm. Next weekend she gets to drop Saturdays. This is a resurfacing of some major struggles she experienced roughly 25 years ago when she attended a similar program. She really doesn’t want people in our lives to know about it, so I haven’t spoken with family or friends about this. You’re it.

We’d been doing couples therapy before this, mainly with the aim of finding ways where she could open up to me about her struggles. Therapy ended when she began this program. I think she feared I would see her as massively weak for having these extreme feelings. Not the case, of course. I initially quit porn for two reasons: I feared my use may increase as a means of handling the stress and exhaustion of work and being a solo dad until 8 each night (8 and 11). And, I want to be fully present and supportive for my wife. Porn does the opposite.

I don’t know. I’m conflicted. She’s dealing with so much, and with suicidal ideation I worry that the consequences could be the worst. The timing to discuss my shit feels off. However, I’m doing this to better myself because I love her and want to eliminate anything that goes against that. Good things, eh? Shit, she knows I looked at porn from time to time, but she’s also equated it to cheating in the past.

I wish our sex life and intimacy would increase. Honestly, I don’t have much sexual desire these days. We are both pretty exhausted in the evenings and sex has taken a backseat to everything else. I fear that my wife internalizes my low sex drive to her weight gain, but really, I find the lack of joy and confidence more of a barrier to my desire. Depression isn’t sexy.

Sorry for the ramblings. I’ll plan a date night this week where we go out for a drink and broach the subject then. It’ll be my first drink in two months which will serve as a natural transition into this topic. “Also….”
 

Nico

Active Member
Hi Zeile,
Funny thing - I post to this site using a private browser. I don't want it showing up if my kids use my computer to search anything up. Sharing the positive choice of quitting porn requires sharing a past of viewing porn. I haven't even shared with my wife that I'm doing this. I need to do have that conversation. Two months in, and I'm probably on step 4 were this a 12 step program. Step 5 is defined by integrity - admitting to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Any advice in that arena would be appreciated.
Just in case you weren't aware; step 4 is making an inventory and step 5 usually involves sharing that list of harms and behaviours with a trusted person usually a sponsor. Its not normally until step 9 that you make amends to those affected - except when to do so would cause harm. There's a couple of steps in between, and from what you've said it may be that her current state is too fragile and you might cause more stress. As Beautiful1973 says it could create intimacy and trust, for her to know she isn't the only one going through it. It is nuanced, and you are the best judge of how it would be for her to hear your story. I wonder if there's a middle way of letting her know she isn't alone in struggles without creating more stress on her as she sounds to be in a vulnerable state. I appreciate the fact you are placing her needs first, that in itself is beautiful.
 

Zeile

Active Member
committing for day 64. Still haven’t broached the subject with my wife. I’ll get there. It’s not like a secret I looked at porn in the past. Honestly, I feel like if I have a non-awkward entry point, it’s all good.
 

Zeile

Active Member
Day 68 - no porn today, but tossed and turned for 5 hours last night. I’ll do my best to give my all today.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I haven't discussed that I am here on RN, and that I'm on a serious reboot with my wife either. I just wanted to do this for a while and have success before talking about it. But I am also apprehensive about the questions how bad it was before etc... She does know it used to be a big problem...

Have a good day, and I hope you sleep better tonight!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I haven't discussed that I am here on RN, and that I'm on a serious reboot with my wife either. I just wanted to do this for a while and have success before talking about it. But I am also apprehensive about the questions how bad it was before etc... She does know it used to be a big problem...

Have a good day, and I hope you sleep better tonight!
I know the feeling, man. Talking about something when you are in the middle of it is more uncomfortable than talking about it when that doesn't represent you anymore. I've been doing the same thing. I want to quit porn on my own, change myself and then talk about it because then I could say: "This is how I was but now I'm not that anymore." But I don't know if this is the best thing for me to do. Sometimes I wish my parents knew what I go through so they could know why one day I could be fun to be around (after 3 weeks without porn) and next day a complete headache (after PMO binge). My parents know some of my struggles but they don't know the depth of everything. My inner world is actually more crumbled than they think it is. I'm trying to work on fixing myself, quitting porn is an absolute must because without this I can't save myself, now I know for sure. Quitting porn is the key to unlocking the god damn solitary confinement cell cause I've been living as if I lived my life in one. Keep grinding.
 

Zeile

Active Member
Day 69 - thanks for sharing. I think for me the reason I have trouble discussing this is because I’m still searching for that spark or some positive shift in life or our relationship after making these life changes. I still feel a bit flatlined. Porn wasn’t a huge part of my life in the past, but I know it wasn’t doing any favors to my relationship. I would do my business a few times per week and that’s it. I know my wife was aware I viewed porn, but I don’t know if she thought it was to a larger or smaller extent?
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Zelle, if you have read any of my posts regarding telling wives, I am in favor of telling because I discovered and it was not great. However have you thought of saying I need your help to her. Even though I am in favor of two people working together, I do not feel we need to know hey this was my kink or this was my preference. Watching porn if sufficient. Just a thought.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Looking at your backstory with your wife I would think it's probably not a good idea to share your "addiction" She seems in a fragile state of mind at the moment... Why add to it? As most around here know I do not believe that one must admit their addiction to a partner/spouse or whoever to "cure" oneself of this addiction. But that is just my opinion. The mere fact that your beating it is what is most important. 69 days is no small feat. It seems like your on the right program why upset that balance at the moment. As a recovering addict I believe that beating the addiction should come first. Than with a clear mind any relationship issues could than be addressed...with both parties communicating with clear heads

Post often it helps me it helps you
 
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