My worry: she’s currently taking time off of work to attend an intensive mental health program focusing on eating disorders and depression/suicide ideation. She’s gone 6 days per week from noon until 8 pm. Next weekend she gets to drop Saturdays. This is a resurfacing of some major struggles she experienced roughly 25 years ago when she attended a similar program. She really doesn’t want people in our lives to know about it, so I haven’t spoken with family or friends about this. You’re it.@Zeile . The advice is so simple. Unless telling your wife would be catastrophic, you just do it. Trust. She will trust you more afterwards and you will feel better for having revealed the secret. I also told my kids who are 20, 17 and 17. I confront so many things now without fear. In the old days if my wife said “we need to talk about something“ I would freeze inside and wonder which of my hidden flaws she was exposing. If she says that today, I just wonder if we’re talking about the cost of living crisis!
We’d been doing couples therapy before this, mainly with the aim of finding ways where she could open up to me about her struggles. Therapy ended when she began this program. I think she feared I would see her as massively weak for having these extreme feelings. Not the case, of course. I initially quit porn for two reasons: I feared my use may increase as a means of handling the stress and exhaustion of work and being a solo dad until 8 each night (8 and 11). And, I want to be fully present and supportive for my wife. Porn does the opposite.
I don’t know. I’m conflicted. She’s dealing with so much, and with suicidal ideation I worry that the consequences could be the worst. The timing to discuss my shit feels off. However, I’m doing this to better myself because I love her and want to eliminate anything that goes against that. Good things, eh? Shit, she knows I looked at porn from time to time, but she’s also equated it to cheating in the past.
I wish our sex life and intimacy would increase. Honestly, I don’t have much sexual desire these days. We are both pretty exhausted in the evenings and sex has taken a backseat to everything else. I fear that my wife internalizes my low sex drive to her weight gain, but really, I find the lack of joy and confidence more of a barrier to my desire. Depression isn’t sexy.
Sorry for the ramblings. I’ll plan a date night this week where we go out for a drink and broach the subject then. It’ll be my first drink in two months which will serve as a natural transition into this topic. “Also….”