200 Days and Counting

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Nico

Active Member
Hi Zeile,
Zeile said:
Funny thing - I post to this site using a private browser. I don't want it showing up if my kids use my computer to search anything up. Sharing the positive choice of quitting porn requires sharing a past of viewing porn. I haven't even shared with my wife that I'm doing this. I need to do have that conversation. Two months in, and I'm probably on step 4 were this a 12 step program. Step 5 is defined by integrity - admitting to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Any advice in that arena would be appreciated.
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Just in case you weren't aware; step 4 is making an inventory and step 5 usually involves sharing that list of harms and behaviours with a trusted person usually a sponsor. Its not normally until step 9 that you make amends to those affected - except when to do so would cause harm. There's a couple of steps in between, and from what you've said it may be that her current state is too fragile and you might cause more stress. As Beautiful1973 says it could create intimacy and trust, for her to know she isn't the only one going through it. It is nuanced, and you are the best judge of how it would be for her to hear your story. I wonder if there's a middle way of letting her know she isn't alone in struggles without creating more stress on her as she sounds to be in a vulnerable state. I appreciate the fact you are placing her needs first, that in itself is beautiful.
 
Zeile

Zeile

Active Member
committing for day 64. Still haven’t broached the subject with my wife. I’ll get there. It’s not like a secret I looked at porn in the past. Honestly, I feel like if I have a non-awkward entry point, it’s all good.
 
Zeile

Zeile

Active Member
Day 68 - no porn today, but tossed and turned for 5 hours last night. I’ll do my best to give my all today.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I haven't discussed that I am here on RN, and that I'm on a serious reboot with my wife either. I just wanted to do this for a while and have success before talking about it. But I am also apprehensive about the questions how bad it was before etc... She does know it used to be a big problem...

Have a good day, and I hope you sleep better tonight!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
SimonM said:
I haven't discussed that I am here on RN, and that I'm on a serious reboot with my wife either. I just wanted to do this for a while and have success before talking about it. But I am also apprehensive about the questions how bad it was before etc... She does know it used to be a big problem...

Have a good day, and I hope you sleep better tonight!
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I know the feeling, man. Talking about something when you are in the middle of it is more uncomfortable than talking about it when that doesn't represent you anymore. I've been doing the same thing. I want to quit porn on my own, change myself and then talk about it because then I could say: "This is how I was but now I'm not that anymore." But I don't know if this is the best thing for me to do. Sometimes I wish my parents knew what I go through so they could know why one day I could be fun to be around (after 3 weeks without porn) and next day a complete headache (after PMO binge). My parents know some of my struggles but they don't know the depth of everything. My inner world is actually more crumbled than they think it is. I'm trying to work on fixing myself, quitting porn is an absolute must because without this I can't save myself, now I know for sure. Quitting porn is the key to unlocking the god damn solitary confinement cell cause I've been living as if I lived my life in one. Keep grinding.
 
Zeile

Zeile

Active Member
Day 69 - thanks for sharing. I think for me the reason I have trouble discussing this is because I’m still searching for that spark or some positive shift in life or our relationship after making these life changes. I still feel a bit flatlined. Porn wasn’t a huge part of my life in the past, but I know it wasn’t doing any favors to my relationship. I would do my business a few times per week and that’s it. I know my wife was aware I viewed porn, but I don’t know if she thought it was to a larger or smaller extent?
 
Gracie

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Zelle, if you have read any of my posts regarding telling wives, I am in favor of telling because I discovered and it was not great. However have you thought of saying I need your help to her. Even though I am in favor of two people working together, I do not feel we need to know hey this was my kink or this was my preference. Watching porn if sufficient. Just a thought.
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
Looking at your backstory with your wife I would think it's probably not a good idea to share your "addiction" She seems in a fragile state of mind at the moment... Why add to it? As most around here know I do not believe that one must admit their addiction to a partner/spouse or whoever to "cure" oneself of this addiction. But that is just my opinion. The mere fact that your beating it is what is most important. 69 days is no small feat. It seems like your on the right program why upset that balance at the moment. As a recovering addict I believe that beating the addiction should come first. Than with a clear mind any relationship issues could than be addressed...with both parties communicating with clear heads

Post often it helps me it helps you
 
Zeile

Zeile

Active Member
Day 80. Once I hit 100, I’ll probably use this site more as a jumping off point when I feel an urge or have a feeling I want to process through writing rather than a daily ticker. I feel that I have internalized my commitment, but I also accept that this will be an ongoing battle. You all rock!
 
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