Formatting the hard drive

Awareness

Member
Hi rebooters,

I try to keep it as simple as possible:
I am 31 years old. I've been trying to quit PMO since my early twenties - almost ten years now - and tried nearly everything:
- 12-Step-Group (I have worked all the 12 Steps in almost two years and tried to find a higher power)
- I had a recovery coach
- I have completed an online program
- I downloaded apps, listened to podcasts, have read books, discovered my inner child, searched for the root cause and traumas of my childhood etc.

I'm still here, struggling. I had some good times, with abstinence, but nothing last long. I ruminate about what is missing.
A few thoughts I made:
  • missing of absolute honesty - don't be the "nice guy" who hides relapses, setbacks and fellings
  • no "effective" accountability
  • don't enforce consequences
  • not following a plan or a system in the long term and commit to it
Today is another day 1.
 

Awareness

Member
I'm glad today, I signed up here and that this forum exists. Usually after a setback, a spiral of shame and guilt follows, leading to a relapse for several days.
But now I can read posts and find new motivation. This gives me a feeling of being back on track.

For the next two weeks I would like to implement the following things:
Morningroutine: at least 5 minutes meditation
Routine bevor sleeping: reading instead of playing or browsing on my phone
Eat less sweets and drink at least two liters of water

Greetings to all who read this. I appreciate it!
 

OrangeSpider

Active Member
Welcome to the forum, hope this helps on your journey to recovery, it sure has helped me. Its not a magic fix, Im sure you know by ow that deos not exist, but its a good ingredient and practice for the fight. Good ob at being proactive and conscience of yourself and behavior.
 

Awareness

Member
Welcome to the forum, hope this helps on your journey to recovery, it sure has helped me. Its not a magic fix, Im sure you know by ow that deos not exist, but its a good ingredient and practice for the fight. Good ob at being proactive and conscience of yourself and behavior.
Thanks for the nice words! As we all know it grows in the dark. I'm glad to have you guys to bring a bit more light to it.
 

downhillfromhere

Active Member
Welcome, Awareness! I think your routines are something that can become powerful in your recovery. Small changes to your day that will build you up is the way to go!

I need to become better at meditation - I try to do it on the way to work on the bus, but find it challenging some days. Maybe it's better to find some time at home where it's more quiet.

Less sweets and more water is also a good thing, this is something I'm focusing on as well. In general eating more healthy is - well - good for your health! :)
 

Awareness

Member
Welcome, Awareness! I think your routines are something that can become powerful in your recovery. Small changes to your day that will build you up is the way to go!

I need to become better at meditation - I try to do it on the way to work on the bus, but find it challenging some days. Maybe it's better to find some time at home where it's more quiet.

Less sweets and more water is also a good thing, this is something I'm focusing on as well. In general eating more healthy is - well - good for your health! :)
I feel similarly about meditation. I often take it up because I think it can be an important element - last week i read a book that said meditation was a way to consciously reshape the brain -, but it's very challenging in everyday life, even if it's only five minutes.
 

Awareness

Member
I feel good this morning, as I got through yesterday evening.
Yesterday I had a challenge. I was walking along a lake and there were people sunbathing. It's like a magical magnet - my subconscious or even my conscious mind drew me there.
I in that moment thought of posting this and was able to sort out my thoughts and could go further without losing myself in fantasies.
 

Awareness

Member
Yesterday was a tough day. I was helping a friend with a transport. I didn't get home until after midnight, which threw off my entire routine.
At night I was lying in my bed with my cell phone and had a conversation witz myself about the pros and cons of PMO at that moment.

The fear of having to make my activities public here then made me turn off the phone and just sleep - great success for me.

I'm still looking for healthy ways to down after busy days that aren't just substitutions of domaine machines - like social media, gaming, watching series...

Day 4
 

Awareness

Member
Postet just a few hours ago, that I had a succes...feeling bad and full of shame.
I am a little sick (which is alsways a huge trigger for me) and have been on reddit and one thing led to another - I should have known better. I considered not posting it here because of the guilt - but I resolved to be absolutely honest here, no matter what the repercussions.

For the future - back to the basics: don't linger pointless on the internet, structure days again so that there is no boredom.
 

downhillfromhere

Active Member
This is good, being honest here can help you to be more honest with yourself. I think this has helped me in the past, I relapsed and continued for a day or two before coming clean here - which helped me see what I was actually doing.

Browsing Reddit might be a problem for you, like it has been for me - I kept using it up until my last relapse, and I can see that it was actively fueling my search for novelty and dopamine. And I would progress to viewing women, nudity etc until I relapsed. I had to quit, so I blocked it and haven't visited in 11 days.

You mentioned healthy ways to relax after busy days, have you thought about reading? I've found that reading books on addiction, psychology etc. has helped me a bit - used to never read at all, but starting to enjoy it now.
 

Awareness

Member
This is good, being honest here can help you to be more honest with yourself. I think this has helped me in the past, I relapsed and continued for a day or two before coming clean here - which helped me see what I was actually doing.

Browsing Reddit might be a problem for you, like it has been for me - I kept using it up until my last relapse, and I can see that it was actively fueling my search for novelty and dopamine. And I would progress to viewing women, nudity etc until I relapsed. I had to quit, so I blocked it and haven't visited in 11 days.

You mentioned healthy ways to relax after busy days, have you thought about reading? I've found that reading books on addiction, psychology etc. has helped me a bit - used to never read at all, but starting to enjoy it now.
Thank you @downhillfromhere for your answer.
Normally, I also have several setbacks a day (because this day is then lost from my "PMO logic" anyway) and often several days in a row. Yesterday I was able to return through accountability and I am confident that this is also the case today on the day.

Reading is a very good alternative, thats true. Especially books about addiction!
 

Aryan

Member
I feel similarly about meditation. I often take it up because I think it can be an important element - last week i read a book that said meditation was a way to consciously reshape the brain -, but it's very challenging in everyday life, even if it's only five minutes.
Meditation is not challenging. Start with an easy one, like a guided one or something as easy as Vipasna, where you simply watch your breath and when you get distracted simply start again.

Or simply close your eyes and watch your mind, watch your thoughts. "Don't do anything. You just have to behave like a watcher, sitting on a hill watching the world go by.

Don't confuse meditation with focus and concentration. It is simply watching and relaxing.You can use Insight Timer. It's a great app to start with.

And if possible, go to a good meditation retreat. You will learn the true meaning.
 

Awareness

Member
Hi Rebooters,

restart plan for the next 30 days - after I relapsed - I want to finally make the 30 days and I will do anything it takes to get there.

Restart plan for the next 30 days: Start 08. August
Daily activities: Morning meditation, evening reading (cell phone not in my bedroom), some kind of sport daily; writing diary every day
Consequence for edging/PMO: No coffee for 30 days (that would be very hard for me)

I think I need a consequence, I know that many advice against it, but without this I post my setbacks here - get it off my chest, so to speak - and just keep going. In addition to productive alternatives in everyday life, there is this time additionally the consequence which realy hurts.

I've heard about this kind of structure in a podcast, with a set start date, consequences and making it public. Should help with that and i want to give it a try.
 

Awareness

Member
I had a good evening last night reading instead of using my mobile phone after 10pm.
This morning I meditated briefly.
I realise that I haven't structured my day well yet, which can be a stopper stone, so after writing the diary I will still structure my day.
Day 1
 

Aryan

Member
I had a good evening last night reading instead of using my mobile phone after 10pm.
This morning I meditated briefly.
I realise that I haven't structured my day well yet, which can be a stopper stone, so after writing the diary I will still structure my day.
Day 1
Great to know you started with Meditation. All the very Best for your meditation 🧘‍♀️ journey.
 

Awareness

Member
Yesterday I felt limp and drained. The day after one day PMO is like having a hangover.
My whole body has to detox again first.

The longer it's been since the relapse, the better the days will be.

P can only be solved holistically in every essential area of life - paths are created by walking them (day 2).
 

Aryan

Member
Yesterday I felt limp and drained. The day after one day PMO is like having a hangover.
My whole body has to detox again first.

The longer it's been since the relapse, the better the days will be.

P can only be solved holistically in every essential area of life - paths are created by walking them (day 2).
I believe that since you indulged in PMO after a long period of time, it gave you the feeling of having a hangover as like past your Body is now not in a habit of doing it everyday.

Its same, if you haven't had alcohol in months, your digestive system will struggle to process it, and the likelihood of a hangover will be quite high.

I first feel very relaxed after having M after 25 days but soon i started feeling bad about it.

All the very best.. May your coming days will be easy and full of energy.
 
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