Getting my life back

Agree to that. But phew to have to deal with divorce and jealousy feelings in the middle of Summer vacation. But our marriage might have been doomed from the start. Difficult to know. Still very sad because of course there are feelings after 9 years together. We basically went head over heals into a relationship, moved together and started to have kids. After the second it was enough for me and I wanted to focus on life and our relationship but my wife wanted a third(she does not know why). So the last 5 years have been quite stressful with 3 kids born within 3 years and 3 months. Now she is basically saying that she perhaps has not had feelings for many years and just has stayed for the kids sake. But now they are big enough and she wants to start living her life again. Kind of hurts because I get confirmed what I always thought, that she does not really love me which is why she does not provide me with acceptance. Trying not to blame her here, of course we should have done something earlier. Good to write about it though
Kid's certainly present us with a set of challenges we could never prepare ourselves for. You've done very well to manage 3 and I'm sure they bring you joy everyday. I'm terribly sorry to hear of issues with your wife. It never hurts to vent and talk about it. Happy to chat privately if you need some support and think it will help you. Reach out if you like.
 

Freddy

Active Member
Kid's certainly present us with a set of challenges we could never prepare ourselves for. You've done very well to manage 3 and I'm sure they bring you joy everyday. I'm terribly sorry to hear of issues with your wife. It never hurts to vent and talk about it. Happy to chat privately if you need some support and think it will help you. Reach out if you like.
Thanks. Discussing the divorce discussion with family and friends and this issue with a good friend to finallt admit this to someone and be accountable for succeeding
 

Freddy

Active Member
Day 10 today. Feeling a bit better brain-fog wise after stopping all escort ads, peeping, porn and masturbation. Trying to talk to a lot of friends about the relationship challenges to deal with it. Realising my own flaws, her challenges but having difficult to accept ending it without ever giving proper attention after 9 years and with three small kids.
 

Freddy

Active Member
Still feeling ok. Time to go to sleep. Realising the dysfunctional combination of people in this relationship…
 

Freddy

Active Member
Chin up man. A lot of the time the hardest part is acknowledgement. You've done this. time to heal.
Yea, doing my best to have some routines and friends around me. Today being more merciful with my thoughts about our relationship.
Day 11 starting up feeling now urges for P. Trying to fight urges to see if dating apps are fun. Have no experience with them whatsoever. But not giving into that urge.
 

Freddy

Active Member
Yea, doing my best to have some routines and friends around me. Today being more merciful with my thoughts about our relationship.
Day 11 starting up feeling now urges for P. Trying to fight urges to see if dating apps are fun. Have no experience with them whatsoever. But not giving into that urge.
Also have a friend now that I’vr shared my problems with and gave the link to this forum…
 

Freddy

Active Member
Day going fine with respect to PMO abstinence. No challenges. Nice to have the forum to turn to for support again.
 

Freddy

Active Member
Day 12. Small urges actually. Linking it a bit to relationship discussion yesterday. She made me feel like I should have worked less and earned more like ”big bosses”. First thought that yes I could have done more. But then realising that it would never have been enough and that I want to be loved for who I am, not the services and money I provide. Anyway, got some PMO urges in the middle of these thoughts.
 

ddaamm

Member
Day 12. Small urges actually. Linking it a bit to relationship discussion yesterday. She made me feel like I should have worked less and earned more like ”big bosses”. First thought that yes I could have done more. But then realising that it would never have been enough and that I want to be loved for who I am, not the services and money I provide. Anyway, got some PMO urges in the middle of these thoughts.
Hi Freddy,

this is something that makes me think. I can see a strong connection between P urges and something like the feeling of being inadequate, either it comes from inside or it is somebody else that makes us feel this way, or even feeling inadequate at work etc..
 

Freddy

Active Member
Hi Freddy,

this is something that makes me think. I can see a strong connection between P urges and something like the feeling of being inadequate, either it comes from inside or it is somebody else that makes us feel this way, or even feeling inadequate at work etc..
Yes, it could even have started from that decades ago. Need for external acceptance could be gratified with PMO. Then having many girls or acceptance at work. I remember some happier less PMO times as well. But the feeling of not being accepted for who I am has made me a monster in this relationship. It is never enough regardless of how much I do or earn. Always being compared to someone who does or earns more.
 

yogi

Active Member
Yes, it could even have started from that decades ago. Need for external acceptance could be gratified with PMO. Then having many girls or acceptance at work. I remember some happier less PMO times as well. But the feeling of not being accepted for who I am has made me a monster in this relationship. It is never enough regardless of how much I do or earn. Always being compared to someone who does or earns more.
Freddy you are right on that point. Desire to be accepted by others not getting fulfilled- we fulfil it through porn.
But in the end, we delude ourselves.
Then we underperform in our life and daily work. We see others performing better and inadequacy creeps in. Then our close ones start comparing: "You should be like him/her" and that further pushes us into the lap of porn.
It becomes a vicious cycle.

The first thing we have to do is not give up porn for the sake of giving it up.
We have to give up porn to transform ourselves.

That's why I read self-help books intermittently and listen to youtube videos. Giving up porn is not THE ACHIEVEMENT of my life.
It's the first in a series of steps towards self-transformation.
 
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AJM

Active Member
Freddy you are right on that point. Desire to be accepted by others not getting fulfilled- we fulfil it through porn.
But in the end, we delude ourselves.
Then we underperform in our life and daily work. We see others performing better and inadequacy creeps in. Then our close ones start comparing: "You should be like him/her" and that further pushes us into the lap of porn.
It becomes a vicious cycle.

The first thing we have to do is not give up porn for the sake of giving it up.
We have to give up porn to transform ourselves.

That's why I read self-help books intermittently and listen to youtube videos. Giving up porn is not THE ACHIEVEMENT of my life.
It's the first in a series of steps towards self-transformation.
I 100% resonate with the way you envision this journey @yogi .
Giving up porn is not THE ACHIEVEMENT of my life . It's the first in a series of steps towards self-transformation.
You deserve a my standing Ovation for this clarity of thought . I admire it.
 

Freddy

Active Member
Day 12 comes to an end as well as my marriage. Trying to not be sentimental about it. Its probably for the best. Interesting to know what part my PMO played in it, some but at the end of the day we have been fighting for years and I’ve never felt real love from her.
 

Freddy

Active Member
Day 14, more relapsing tendencies as I returned to the scene of crime. My own bed room in our house where I have been disappointed about sleeping alone for the past seven years.
 

Freddy

Active Member
Day 15 morning. A bit better now after sleeping better with sleeping pills. Still very unhappy about the process with the wife. But on the other she has provided me with a constant feeling of inadequacy and misery over the years. My fault that I put up with it and continued to hope for acceptance.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Day 13 starts with urges and almost relapsing. Damn. But managed to control it.
Good work dude! Be sure to give yourself some reward for that effort. Take yourself out for an ice-cream, a mid-strength beer or anything nice. I think it's good to balance the energy and effort with something nice, as a way of telling your brain/unconscious bits that their efforts are appreciated. You deserve it! Keep at it, Freddy!
 
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