I will not quit trying!!

J

jatinverma31

Member
Last night I had dreams in which there were people that were once there in my life. It happens every time I start using my devices less for mindless purpose. I start having dreams having old friends in it. And I also start imagining the old times when my life was different. The good moments I had. I can't just not think about it. It's automatic. And I don't want to stop thinking about it by indulging in a highly stimulating activity this time, like gaming or porn. It makes me sad, because these days life feels very lonely. And I don't even know go anywhere outside, or have friends.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
Facing urges to watch porn right now. Probably because I am alone in my room, it's afternooon, and I am sitting in front of my pc for some time now. Will do one more 30 min study session, and then I will go sleep.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
2 days digital detox is over. I felt less urges in these 2 days, perhaps because I wasn't using my phone much, and I used my screens 'only' for studying. And well what I did in my free time? I slept. Lol, I slept so much these last 2 days. I'm gonna continue like this. I have a digital entertainment schedule that I'll follow if I want to have some digital entertainment to allow me to do things in moderation. And yes, staying away from my mindless internet consumption was a good idea. I am also monitoring the triggers that makes me want to watch porn. Biggest ones so far are:
1. When I have finished my studying sessions.
2. When I find myself alone in my room feeling lazy, but not wanting or unable to sleep.
But not having phone around me anymore have reduced the intensity of these urges significantly. Two days ago I was feeling scared of all the time I was spending with my thoughts all of sudden. I noticed that because all the content I was consuming was deciding my mood most of the time, when I took this random content away I found myself unable to decide how to feel. I had hard, and still have hard time being motivated to do things in the morning. The wisdom I have inside me seems hard to reach in the morning. All the good things I know, I forget in the morning, and earlier I used to try to remember all of that by going on internet, but these days I'm trying to remember the inner wisdom by being patient and trying to listen to what my heart is trying to say to me.
Also, inspired by what @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 wrote about journaling daily about porn. By focusing on porn in any way, whether it's about knowing how many days has passed can lead me to watch it. That's why I will try to find new and different things to focus on, and will come here to update my progess weekly or with more time gaps. Anyways, I feel like this time I'm doing it right. Learning to be with myself and understanding myself is more difficult than quitting porn, and that's what I'm focusing on right now.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
It's been a long time since I have been around. I was lying to myself that I have got it under control and can leave it anytime. This last two months I PMOed almost daily. I feel bad for this rn. I am admitting once again that I am an addict and I need help in any way I can get. I am gonna try once more to leave this bad habit. Also my life is messed up because i have told some lies that will be revealed soon to my close ones soon and might break their heart (not related to porn). I am not doing good in studies. Failing again in my university exams, that too will be revealed to my family soon. Also have a deadline coming for a big project that I haven't started yet. Money issues too. It's so messed up, where do I go?
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Be honest and ask for help... That's all you can do. Study hard, and don't do porn. Get off the internet if you can.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
I keep relapsing in my weak moments. And it happens every 3-4 days usually in nights. I try to be strong and tell myself that it's wrong for me and I will never do it again, but again and again I keep coming back to it. I get this moments when I just slip. I find a reason to watch porn, like sometimes it just starts to feel very attractive to me for some reason that the thought of watching porn starts to make my heart race, or when I see something very triggering on internet and from there it just takes a few clicks or taps to get me back to it. I am still trying to get out of it. Currently I am 4 days off, and hoping that I will figure it out soon.photo_6102750285819655241_y.jpg
 
Daybyday1988

Daybyday1988

Active Member
my advice to you is to get a blocking software along with an accountability partner, and completely eliminate PMO and any related fantasies. it is very difficult to resist urges that come from addiction related brain changes like P addiction, primarily due to the deficiency in the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for self control). once you get a head start and this part of the brain recovers a bit, resisting the urges becomes easier. This is why you are constantly failing, your PFC is too weak at the moment. It takes time for the PFC to recover before you are even able to say “no” at all so removing even the option of PMOF becomes very important, hence the blocking software. I use Covenant Eyes, details in my signature.

Im 4 months clean, which is the longest by far i have ever gone PMO free since becoming addicted 14 years ago. The key is you need to be accountable. i have a great accountability partner i met here on RN and we can see each others search history every day.
 
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J

jatinverma31

Member
I am still watching porn everyday. Now i have started to use phone at night in bed. It's harming my health, I can't perform well physically and mentally whole day. I'm staying awake till 4-5 am. My stomach strength has gone down significantly. I'm watching porn at nights and orgasming. I need help 😭, but I don't have money and anyone to go to. I have ruined my life. Been years now, and I haven't done much of use in my life. Wasted. All those time and I just can't get rid of my bad habits. They just come back even harder.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
jatinverma31 said:
I am still watching porn everyday. Now i have started to use phone at night in bed. It's harming my health, I can't perform well physically and mentally whole day. I'm staying awake till 4-5 am. My stomach strength has gone down significantly. I'm watching porn at nights and orgasming. I need help 😭, but I don't have money and anyone to go to. I have ruined my life. Been years now, and I haven't done much of use in my life. Wasted. All those time and I just can't get rid of my bad habits. They just come back even harder.
Click to expand...
Can you keep your phone out of your bedroom?
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
Androg said:
Can you keep your phone out of your bedroom?
Click to expand...
I'll sleep tonight keeping my phone away from the bed and will not pick it up even when i can't sleep. I can do it!
The thing is I have tried in past keeping my phone away but in just 1-2 days i take back my phone with me, but you know what I had forgotten about keeping my phone away from me can help, so thanks for reminder.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
I went to bed without my phone last night. I fell asleep in just 10-15 min but I I was having a lot of negative thoughts, some scary ones that just make my heart scared. This is the problem with me whenever I'm alone for some time I get these really scary thoughts.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
jatinverma31 said:
I went to bed without my phone last night. I fell asleep in just 10-15 min but I I was having a lot of negative thoughts, some scary ones that just make my heart scared. This is the problem with me whenever I'm alone for some time I get these really scary thoughts.
Click to expand...
I think that if you can power through a withdrawal period , you may find that those thoughts subside. Daily meditation seems to help us control our thoughts better. Is there a way to listen to some music without your phone?
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
Androg said:
I think that if you can power through a withdrawal period , you may find that those thoughts subside. Daily meditation seems to help us control our thoughts better. Is there a way to listen to some music without your phone?
Click to expand...
No I don't have any way to listen to music without my phone or pc. Also I relapsed today. I am very disappointed by it, but I am trying that it doesn't let me down for days, and I get back from it soon. But right now I just feel so much inside my head, the anger, the regret, I did it again knowing that I shouldn't. Hopefully not again.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
jatinverma31 said:
No I don't have any way to listen to music without my phone or pc. Also I relapsed today. I am very disappointed by it, but I am trying that it doesn't let me down for days, and I get back from it soon. But right now I just feel so much inside my head, the anger, the regret, I did it again knowing that I shouldn't. Hopefully not again.
Click to expand...
Next time cravings hit, maybe come read your journal first.
 
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