I will not quit trying!!

J

jatinverma31

Member
Well, I have always thought of online forums for gaming and porn addicts as not being useful, but recently I have been reading and watching a lot of stuff about addiction, specifically gaming and pornography addiction, and I have been addicted to both since almost 5 years now. I have tried to quit myself many times, but to no avail. I EasyPeasy way book, and YBOP, and I am hoping with my better understanding of this addiction I can actually leave this behind for real.
I have been trying to quit from a long time, and I don't binge watch porn. My problem is that I will stay away from it for some time, like 1-2 days usually, then in a moment of desperation I watch porn and everytime escalating the violence of content I watch. This is not to say I watch violent stuff, no Thankfully I am not too deep into this like some people, but from the past few months I am noticing the I am watching things that I shouldn't. And that's not it. These 5 years I had to tell a lot of lies to hide my addiction. It all started innocently, me just stumbling upon porn one day, but it never stopped. And I just don't want to talk about the efforts I made sometimes just to hide away from everyone and watch porn. Just 2 weeks ago, I went to someone's home and fapped there in a room watching porn when my brother was in other room. I feel very embarrassed about that. I have never been found out, and never told anyone about it. But I can't control it. Everytime I am done with the process I feel terrible about myself. I would start doing good things, respecting myself, then eventually I will watch porn, and lose all the pride I have in me. I want to change, and I will change. I don't even feel conflicted in my head about pornography. I know it's bad, and how it's bad. I realize it has become a bad habit. Even when I am watching porn, I realize I am not doing the right thing, and I even ask myself to stop, but my habit wins. Hopefully things will change. Hopefully. Oh god, I really wish that would happen, I feel so bad about it right now.
I will need your help. Please help me when I need it. I have no one else to talk about it. Can't even go to a therapist or anything. Please.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Welcome to the forum. It's full of people just like you - people who want to stop looking at porn.

And you have to realize - it's not just a "bad habit", it's an addiction. You will need to learn more about addiction and treat it seriously.

You need to start with a reboot - 90 days without porn or masturbation. Visit this page to find out more.

And if you're having serious problems, a therapist can certainly help. I have worked with more than one therapist about my porn addiction and received good advice and counselling.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
I am doing this 90 days quitting. But I have been not doing so good from last 2 days. I opened the sites, but didn't spent much time on them. Just for 5 - 10 min. I know it's not good, and I shouldn't be watching porn at all, but I just didn't controlled myself. I observed that on both days it happened in afternoon after I had consumed mindless content on my desktop for like more than 1 hours. It's like all the info had overloaded my brain and was preventing me from making proper decisions. I'll make sure I don't use reddit in afternoon today.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
Huge win last night!
Yesternight I couldn't sleep, and eventually I decided that I will use my phone and search 'how to install gentoo' on it. Bad idea. In just a minute I started thinking about watching porn, and the thought seemed uncontrollable. I immediately put my phone to my right, and started talking to myself in my head. It was difficult, my heart was pounding. I was telling myself it's not good for me. I had this argument inside my head about whether I am going to watch porn or not for about 60-90 minutes. And I won. It was the strongest urge that I overcame. I just couldn't sleep and if I hadn't been focused and dismissed logically all the reasons my addictions was giving me to watch porn, then I know I would have watched porn. I had placed my phone away on table, but it could have taken only 10 seconds to take it back and open an incognito tab, but I stayed strong. I know how difficult that argument was, but in the end I just placed my hand on my heart, and asked to myself what do I want. And answer obviously was 'good sleep and waking up with a proud feeling of not indulging in such a dirty activity'. And then I slept.
I know these are the moment that matters, these urges that we overcome and now and then. With only few more of these urges beaten I know I will start feeling like I am not an addict anymore. I quit 6 days ago.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
I relapsed yesterday. I don't know how I feel about this. Yesterday I had very dark thoughts after my PMO session. Now I am just trying to calm myself down. Just trying to be kind to myself. I am not even sure how it happened. I was peaking from 2 days, and the urge never really gone, it was always on the back of my mind, and in afternoon I just kind of broke. I had too much stress thinking about an exam that's coming in two days and for which I managed to procrastinate and study nothing, as always. I was thinking about messed up situation of my father's alcohol habit, and I was also feeling lonely as I don't go out much. I can't make new friends as I study from home, and going gym seems to be the only bright part of my day. People around me aren't doing too good lately. I have only one friend in real life, and he's also not here for me lately. Well he also has his life, I hope he is doing good. And other than that I only have my parents who seem burnt out by work. So yeah, most of the time I am the only one I have to talk with. Loneliness is real right now in my life. And in that situation to control myself all day can be difficult. I understand that. I know it's a tough time I am going through, and I just need to be kind with myself. Today I stop using reddit daily. I can (but I don't need to) use it on Sunday's for max 30 min and can only browse through subscribed subs, which I have already well curated. I have a digital entertainment schedule which I will try to follow strictly from today in order to reduce the time I waste on screens (which is basically whole day at this point). And until 1 week ago I was reading books and they seemed to be working well in keeping me sane, so I will continue reading again. And yes, the studies are important. I need to study. Just need to make sure I stay kind to myself, and forgive and move on learning from my mistakes. Yesterday my mistake was that I underestimated how difficult it's going to be. This time I am accepting it's going to be difficult. I am trying to create less circumstances in which I will watch porn, but sooner or later there will come an urge to watch it, and I hope this time I will win over it.
And to look on the bright side, 6 days without porn were really good. My headspace was better, and I had better thoughts than earlier. Patience. I will earn my way out of this. It's better this way. I understand what porn is doing to me. The consequences I am facing because of this, and I am just trying to get out of it. That shows I care and I am being courageous by trying to improve. I can do this.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
4 days without porn. Not many urges because I'm too busy playing games. I'm not happy with this. I know I'm wasting my time playing games. I'm hooked on my screens. I know it's bad for me, but I still keep doing it. It's like I have accepted it. Things are really bad right now, but I feel too burnt out to even make an effort. Too tired. No purpose and no idea why I live. Everything seems meaningless. Even people around me seem to be driven by greed and temptations. I know I'm focusing only on bad stuff, but good things aren't happening in my life right now, and I just can't focus on good stuff. I try but I just can't see any good. Just holding on to life, but I have no idea why I even bother. I'm just hoping things will change even though I don't believe they will, but I kinda do believe. So weird.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Things will change - if you make them change! Sounds like too much screen time is a problem. Try to spend time with friends, outdoors, reading - anything that takes you away from a screen (porn, games, loitering on the internet). I'm sure most of us have struggled with the same problem.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
Relapsed yesterday. I lack the logical explanation of why I seem to forget all about how much I hate porn at some times. Yesternight I again had a PMO session. After 4 days of staying away from porn. At that moment there was a very faint voice in my head telling me not to do it, I even hesitated because of it, but I still went with the bad outcome. Today because of my PMO session last night, I couldn't do properly at gym. I had slept late, so I couldn't lift the weights. Was on low energy all the time, had to push myself in those 2 hours to get only 6 exercises done. Very disappointed. I wonder whether I'll ever quit porn for real or not. I keep making commitments to quit porn, but I also keep watching it. I fear does this cycle ever ends? It seems impossible to me at this moment. Like I'm trapped in it for ever. I know sounds pathetic, but I've been trying to quit from years now. I have even read a lot about it to understand my addiction.
Anyways, Day 1 starts today. My energy is too low right now to write any more.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 said:
I also relapsed just the other day. I've been trying for years to get free. Keep your head up, man. Get back in the fight and move forward. One day, it will all pay off and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. You've got this.
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Thanks! I hope that happens. I know I won't lose hope no matter how bad it gets. There's always hope, and something we can do. Feeling a little better than yesterday, but dark clouds are still here in my brain. I wish I had someone to talk to.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 said:
Message me anytime. I'll listen and help you as much as I can.
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Thank you very much. But by that I meant, someone in real life. Texts don't make much sense to me these days, what I need is face to face human conversation. Yes, I said 'need'. It's been too long since I last talked what's really in my heart to someone. Still, thanks for being kind to state that you'll listen to me, but I don't want to bother you by talking about myself. I'll make a diary entry today just to express what's running inside my head in some way.
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
I'm starting to firmly believe that my excessive screen usage is one of the reason that's making me depressed and so negative these days. I'll try to put limit on how I use my devices. And I guess I'll have to quit gaming. I just can't control it. I tried to moderate in gaming again, but no luck. Ended up playing them more and more, and browsing and thinking about them whole day. For a start, I'll take a break from gaming for 90 days. I have a short list of games (all story based, single player ones) that I want to play, so once these 90 days end, then I'll try to play then in moderation just like I watch movies or TV shows. I know games can be addictive but they are also a form of art, and some of them have really good stories. I mainly want to experience second part of ori game, portal 2, Detroit become human, and the walking dead before I quit gaming.
First, I'll be taking a 90 days break from them.
 
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downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I’m with you there, been playing games most of my life and enjoying it. Especially single player games with interesting stories and gameplay - like you say, many of them I think of as pieces of art just like a film or music.

But they can be a huge time sink, and many are downright exploitative in how they keep people playing (and paying).

Playing in moderation is a great goal, and I totally see if you want to quit some time as well. Good choice in taking a break from it!
 
J

jatinverma31

Member
downhillfromhere said:
I’m with you there, been playing games most of my life and enjoying it. Especially single player games with interesting stories and gameplay - like you say, many of them I think of as pieces of art just like a film or music.

But they can be a huge time sink, and many are downright exploitative in how they keep people playing (and paying).

Playing in moderation is a great goal, and I totally see if you want to quit some time as well. Good choice in taking a break from it!
Click to expand...
Exactly! Even single player games can be time consuming, especially when some game forces player to do many small missions, quests, etc. in order to progress. Out of last 5 games I played, 3 of them were like this. I was doing a lot of clicking and pressing keys just to do something the game was telling me to do while it wasn't actually developing to the plot of story. I hope a break will make me better understand why I play games, what games to avoid, and whether I should play them or not in the first place.
Also, I understand this much that multiplayer games are basically drugs for me since I don't have any real friends to play with, and well, I have seen the bad times when I had neglected my real life completely playing multiplayer games. Feels good to say I'm not an multiplayer gaming addict anymore. I still play them once in a while (rarely), but not like an addict.
Thanks for the support. I know these 90 days will be difficult at times, but I believe I can do it. And I think taking break from games will help me better connect with myself, and well, to quit this porn addiction too. Let's see.
 
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J

jatinverma31

Member
Relapsed again after 2 days. My mistake, I have to admit it. I can't keep making excuses and reasons to make it look like I wasn't in control. I was in control when I made the choice to go in that PMO session. I could have not done it, but I did it, and now I regret doing it. This time the urge wasn't even that strong, I really could have avoided it, but I just didn't made any effort.
 
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