Reclamation

Break through the fog/Break the spell (at least finish it with basic answers) (The more I accept reality, the more I'm actually dealing with and addressing it!): Am I willing to be radically self-honest, not just say the "right" thing to impress imaginary others but keep myself accountable? Am I willing to question and challenge myself on things I may want to believe that aren't true? What am I justifying too much or wanting things to be true for my own benefit? What are some blind-spots I can think of? In what ways am I feeding a victim-hood still? (go deep) How am I deceiving myself or in denial about? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about? Am I ignoring any external guidance?
Yeah. I told a girl about my desires and actions. She mirrored why my ideas were bad. I saw myself today too and I know for a fact that I'm letting the reward of sex and orgasm drive me to the point nothing else gives me dopamine or motivation. I spent the whole day in an ADHD paralysis haze.

Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that?
I acted out all my same patterns except for just straight porn videos. I did avoid a major setback just before this post though and I'm proud of it. I just thought about how horrible I've been feeling all day and how much of my life has been stolen away. I also let coincidences snap me out of it. And I just let the pain take over. I wasted money on the apps today.

What's my biggest reason(s) for rebooting right now? (Selfish ones are fine) What's more important than porn, sex and masturbation?
This has been with you a long time, are you truly willing to let go? Are you willing to make sacrifices to get there? By the end of the night even? Do you accept it's gonna need to be lifelong? Are you willing to take a higher perspective, aim for more depth and transcend this? Is anything holding you back, are you able to push through it?

The same as above and the other days. Executive function back! Yes. NO MORE DATING APPS, SEXUAL COMMUNITIES or ESCORT SITES EVER AGAIN!

What am I truly seeking and intending deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term?
Feeling like my life up until now hasn't been wasted. I can do that by finding purpose, re-framing the past, using it to learn and grow, being grateful.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it?
I did meditate but the rest of the day was a haze. It was all I could really manage in this area today.

How are my connections in life? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam?
Socializing with phone connections yes.

What do I still need to practice being (gently) more accepting of?
My past. My present. (In relationship to regret, anger, frustration, wasted feeling)

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? What feelings am I avoiding or stuffing down? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about?
What do I need compassion for from myself? What ways do I beat myself up? Do I feel selfish for putting myself 1st and am I doing it? How self-accepting have I been? What do I need to forgive myself and others for so I can own and take responsibility? Can I be more present and accept the past is the past? Can I let the remaining pain and stolen years drive me forward with recovery instead of drag me back into addiction? Can I re-frame it?

Pain of my past, the wasted years. Feeling like there's no point starting what I wanted to be doing now. Avoiding cooking. Avoiding working out. Feeling absolutely paralyzed. Spent the whole day obsessing over how I could obtain some sex.

How's my sleep?
Pretty good! The phone rules are saving me in this area. I could be getting more rested sleep if I got off tech earlier at night.

Hows my nutrition and hydration? How's the cooking going?
Cooking is being avoided. Ate fast food and broke all my rules. Hydration is average.

Hows my exercise and movement habits? Ergonomics? Mobility? What can I work on?
Need to get back into a basic routine. Especially so I can meditate pain free.

How am I managing my devices?
Wiping apps and accounts daily as often as possible

Am I distracted? What's distracting me? What am I putting off? Am I finding it easy to prioritize including habits and tasks?
Sex is distracting me. I have been now prioritizing getting on ADHD meds but even this is hard.

Anything else on my mind?
Today I did shit all. The year has gone so quick and I'm distressed how little progress I've made. It's like I wait for it too. It's like I expect all my ideas and plans will eventually inspire me into action but now I've come to accept I'm not wired that way. I need to forgive myself though. I got exposed involuntarily, I was a sensitive child with no dad, I have a serious addiction as serious as any drug problem, I had BPD style symptoms, hurtful toxic relationships, no models, no reassurance, was neglected, chronically invalidated, rejected a lot. Had bad posture and body issues. I've done well considering everything. I also had a pelvic floor issue my whole life meaning I could never feel anything when I had sex. I also grew up with hypochondria and migraines. As well as panic attacks and general anxiety. Doctors continuously let me down and led me in the wrong directions and I wasted so much money on wasted specialists. I pushed all my friends away because I lacked a clear identity. No I have no one. I spent years of my life unemployed too. Directionless, addicted and with an ADHD brain that didn't motivate me at all. I had my Buddhist teachers and group turn sour. I had multiple girls hurt me in many ways. I need to forgive myself for FINDING IT HARD!

What's going well (in general)?
Me being self-aware about my problems is still a good thing. I could still be in the dark. Just because I struggle to take action doesn't make it all meaningless and pointless. Just means I need to accelerate my progress asap.

What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
That I've got time and it's never too late.

What am I grateful for today? Name a win or wins...
Backing out of a major relapse. Feeling good on my meds. Might as well enjoy good feelings while you have them. Quiet time in the library today and not feeling the need to be anywhere in a hurry. Enjoying my weekend.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? (Go meditate if you haven't or meditate again) Could you do a nightly reset now (wipe apps and accounts off phone, laptop etc.)?
Snapchat is the last remaining app I need to get rid of. I deleted all my other accounts.

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...
I need to stay inspired and have a clear life philosophy. I need to heal my living. Live simpler again.

Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions?
Fix my ADHD, habits and executive function asap. Quit all artifical seeking of sex, partners and orgasm. Only chat on apps that are text based. No snap. Re-frame my past, get therapy. Keep meditating and exploring my purpose. Make real life connections. Live in the present. Work out. Cook. Be kind to yourself. Don't complicate. Live simple. Sleep with a routine and phone rules. Focus on nutrition. Posture routine and help. Keep deleting accounts. Stop fixating on sex. Forgive my past. I've got time and it's never too late. Let others inspire you.

New question/reminder for next time: Review your first post. How are you going?
 
Break through the fog/Break the spell (at least finish all these with basic answers) (The more I accept reality, the more I'm actually dealing with and addressing it!): Am I willing to be radically self-honest, not just say the "right" thing to impress imaginary others but keep myself accountable? Am I willing to question and challenge myself on things I may want to believe that aren't true? What am I justifying too much or wanting things to be true for my own benefit? What are some blind-spots I can think of? In what ways am I feeding a victim-hood still? (go deep) How am I deceiving myself or in denial about? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about? Am I ignoring any external guidance?
I need to stop leading girls on who are interested in me but I'm not interested in back just to keep them around and have attention. I never used to do it and I used to despise girls that did it to me. I genuinely think I'm on track again for today at least. But the escort idea is lingering so I watched this:


I need to find a partner. And I need to not see any woman as an object. I do think being sexually attracted to them is uncontrollable. I do think that lens settles down after a reboot. But I just need to make it secondary at the very least. And as he said in the video, it's objectification. Going to an escort is seeing a woman as an object for your use and pleasure. Plus I need to keep my money. As another web user said: All addictive behaviors are escapist security blankets. Face real life and the productive activities you keep putting off.

Amen to that.

What's my biggest reason(s) for rebooting right now? (Selfish ones are fine) What's more important than porn, sex and masturbation? Is it worth your finite time and energy? This has been with you a long time, are you truly willing to let go? Are you willing to make sacrifices to get there? By the end of the night even? Do you accept it's gonna need to be lifelong? Are you willing to take a higher perspective, aim for more depth and transcend this? Is anything holding you back, are you able to push through it?
Same as it has been for the last little while. Finding contentment and reflecting on mortality. We have to devote time and energy to things in this finite life. It's short which means we have to take seriously how we spend our time and porn is a waste of that time and energy.

Review your first post. How are you going?
I think loving myself in time will help my attachment issues. I do still long for a partner but I think that's normal. Staying off dating apps will get harder when the urges come back and I start feeling like I'm missing out again. It's gonna be hard not to fantasize too but I do need to stop doing it for now. I also need to give my penis a rest because I do have chronic pelvic pain syndrome and my frequency and methods of masturbation and edging weren't great. I still snoop on my ex at times to see how they are doing but it's more out of habit than anything else. I've mostly managed to stay away from porn videos and hardcore stuff for now too which is good. Seeking it out? Not today at least but today is usually a busy one for me. No withdrawals yet.

Hows your relationship with tech?

Mostly unchanged.

Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that?
I was busy and I'm highly motivated to get rid of my executive function so it's my biggest reason still. Being busy is great. Not all the time but for recovery it's perfect.

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term?

Peace. Connection. A partner ideally. I have that one girl in mind. We will see how that goes. I don't have my hopes up. I don't know how to approach it either. I don't wanna be her rebound. She's relatively young. I need to tread carefully so I don't get hurt again. But yeah. Maybe escorts is not a good way to train my brain for thinking it takes no effort to get women and orgasm rewards. It needs to return to the most natural state I can get it to.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it?
Haven't meditated. Might do it after this post but it's fairly late. I guess some is better than none.

How are my connections in life? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam?

I was socially anxious today. I think it was tiredness. Also shame. Also feeling guilty for now avoiding the girl I was leading on. Family I stay in touch with. Gonna meet a sibling to catch up very soon.

What do I still need to practice being (gently) more accepting of?

Today I felt too good to worry about that many things. So I'm not too worried about this topic currently. I think the intention of being more accepting and having this reminder each night might be flowing into my daily life. We'll see.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? What feelings am I avoiding or stuffing down? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about?
What do I need compassion for from myself? What ways do I beat myself up? Do I feel selfish for putting myself 1st and am I doing it? How self-accepting have I been? What do I need to forgive myself and others for so I can own and take responsibility? Can I be more present and accept the past is the past? Can I let the remaining pain and stolen years drive me forward with recovery instead of drag me back into addiction? Can I re-frame it?

Yes. I am using all of this to drive me. Everything I've learned up until this point about myself has given me a head start. I may be late compared to some people in my realizations but who cares? Who's judging? Me. That's who. Anyone else judging me? Then what the fuck is so wrong with their lives that they feel the need to? Why would it matter to them? What I really want is recognition of who I truly am under all the bullshit. There's elements tied to myself nobody gets to see that I want them to see, reflect and recognize. And I'll know who is genuine and who to take that love from. I mostly soother stress with pain killers and food today.

How's your reading habits?

Audio-books good, real books good today. Bought one and reading it. It's about secular purpose, time and energy

How's my sleep?

Good. Got woken up early but still refreshed because I slept better than I used to. Earplugs are a great help at the moment.

Hows my nutrition and hydration? How's the cooking going?

Avoiding cooking still. Nutrition not good.

Hows my exercise and movement habits? Ergonomics? Mobility? What can I work on?

Not being addressed. Need to get back into routines.

How am I managing my devices?

I have blocks on a few things. Just remembered to block escort sites now.

Am I distracted? What's distracting me? What am I putting off? Am I finding it easy to prioritize including habits and tasks?

Work just tires me out. Having no free time and a slow brain are a bad mix. I really need my space to think.

Anything else on my mind?

I really want to attract this girl at my work. I want it to happen naturally. I don't want to get my hopes up. But at the same time I've got nothing to lose so I think I should go for it and believe in myself and let rejection happen if it happens.

What's going well (in general)?

This. Reading. Socialising is better in general compared to years back. I'm more myself around others. I don't put on any acts. I'm quite sincere with people. I've joined a party on Habitica for accountability on my habits.

What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?

Thinking about mortality and the 4000 weeks we have on the planet.

What am I grateful for today? Name a win or wins...

People care about me. Even just a little. And it's nice. I belong in my workplace. People ask how I am. They acknowledge me. I exist to them. That hasn't always been how I've felt.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? (Go meditate if you haven't or meditate again) Could you do a nightly reset now (wipe apps and accounts off phone, laptop etc.)?

Meditate and get ready for bed. Read my book or just sleep.

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...

Addiction hurts everybody around you. Not just you. If you're having a shit day, it rubs off on people. If you objectify women, you aren't treating them well. If you are closed off, people can't connect with you. If you spend all day in your room people can't connect. If you only get pleasure from porn, you don't get it from natural sources anymore and suddenly you're just no fun anymore. You have to believe this is all worth it and life will feel unimaginably better in time.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime?
For now just having this question in place is enough I think. It's true though. I will forever have this pathway. I have to assume it's gonna be lurking and waiting to be potentially triggered no matter how safe I feel once I've made significant progress.
 
Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions?
Drop the escort idea. Give your brain a chance to settle down. Remember your life is finite. Love and focus on yourself first and always. Become more digitally minimal. Read more. Keep busy with meaningful things. Go towards connection. Believe in yourself about finding a mate, even if it's not this girl you're currently into. You can survive rejection. Meditate daily! This is essential. Keep up the sleep habits. Judge yourself only by your standards and those you allow in. Learn to cook, it will empower you. Exercise more. Remember addiction will push people away from you without you consciously trying. We want the opposite.
 
Break through the fog/Break the spell (at least finish all these with basic answers) (The more I accept reality, the more I'm actually dealing with and addressing it!): Am I willing to be radically self-honest, not just say the "right" thing to impress imaginary others but keep myself accountable? Am I willing to question and challenge myself on things I may want to believe that aren't true? What am I justifying too much or wanting to be true for my own benefit? What are some blind-spots I can think of? In what ways am I feeding a victim-hood still? (go deep) How am I deceiving myself or in denial about? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about? Am I ignoring any external guidance?
I think I'm safe apart from right in the back of my mind, the escort idea.

Review the first part of your first post. How are you going?
I think I've settled down knowing that healthy sex is the ultimate goal and I no longer feel like I'm missing out. My brain has been conditioned and I've also been dopamine and orgasm driven by super-normal cravings. It's more about dopamine than what I really want. And I have to believe that what I want as a person, is more than my biological drives. I'm gonna stay away from exploring bi-sexuality too. Not because I'm against it by any means but personally I think I am straight and porn/dopamine influenced. I'm glad it exposed me in a way because it's deepened my appreciation for the sexual spectrum all the way to asexuality. My penis is still not functioning and that's part of my drive to seek an escort. I could be doing more about that but finding the time is the hardest part for me. Fantasy, I can't remember if I had many but I certainly am noticing girls sexually more in real life. I still, out of habit, snoop on people on Facebook. Exes and interests of mine. I need to stop so bad. It's just as bad as any of the other behaviors no matter how small it seems. You've gotta seal all the cracks. Tech use itself? I'm constanlty on some kind of device as many of us are. I guess I'm using it more as a tool over time and have been very slowly doing so over the years anyway. Lingering on sexual stuff I come across is still a thing too because I don't have a concrete solution to that beyond reducing chances of exposure. I admit I find that very hard.

Hows your relationship with tech?
Could be a lot better. At some point I need to work through books on digitial minimalism like the ones over at r/nosurf on Reddit.

Withdrawal symptoms? (Remember deep down this is great)

Social paralysis. Not able to talk to people like my natural self. Higher levels of shame and anxiety today.

Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that? How can I prevent in future?

Facebook shorts. Just need to keep it off my phone! Also read a sexual article with pictures that came up and that was unnecessary too. The rest I put down to being too busy and too tired again.

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term?
Rest. A break. Going so much easier on me.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it?
Amazing. I'm reading the book transcend about Maslows final stage of development that tends to get left off his model. I have made a comprehensive list of every CLEAR model, recovery, therapy, development, theory, way to awakening, path etc. and ways I can integrate them into my life. It's giving me so much purpose and clarity. I needed this in my life. A kind of predefined but clear and meaningful structure to live my life by which will shape everything around it as I learn more.

How are my connections in life? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam?
I stay in touch well with family. There's the stuff above too. But also I relax more in social situations. I have to do it consciously. I've tried to be more interested in people genuinely and let them speak and share. The person it's paying off most with is the girl I like. I still remember the other day when I saw her walk past, then suddenly saw her walk over to me just to chat and say hi. I also approached her while sad and said hey, she looked like she was ready for me to reject her, maybe she really did get the wrong idea prior. But I stuck to talking to her and it immediately put a smile on her face. Then she was asking me more questions, about my music taste, and we had deep chats one on one later where she talked heaps and was embarrased after not knowing where she was going or if she was making sense. I adore her and I'm so terrified I'm gonna fuck it up, or she will lose interest, or doesn't like me in that way etc. But wow, I have a crush again and it's nice. I will be very disappointed if this one doesn't work out. I'm not gonna worry yet. I'm gonna keep my hopes up.

Have I been engaged much with this community?
No, but I should.

What do I still need to practice being (gently) more accepting of?
My social quirks. My age and appearance still. The fact that people can't see me fully yet. It will come.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? What feelings am I avoiding or stuffing down? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about?
Food is still my main way. And general distraction. But I've made sure all of the distractions are positive. I used to think spiritual bypassing was bad but I've not realised that long term it's good. Why? Because with enough exposure to developmental and spiritual ideas, you have to confront things to make progress. Eventually you'll have to face things as part of those journeys.

What do I need compassion for from myself? What ways do I beat myself up? Do I feel selfish for putting myself 1st and am I doing it? How self-accepting have I been? What do I need to forgive myself and others for so I can own and take responsibility? Can I be more present and accept the past is the past? Be a late bloomer!? Can I let the remaining pain and stolen years drive me forward with recovery instead of drag me back into addiction? Can I re-frame it?
Yes. I can! I'm already feeling so empowered by my current explorations!

How's your reading habits?
Getting better! I'm reading what I want instead of feeling pressured to read what I think I should or what I've got on my lists.

How's my sleep?
So much better. Just need to get into bed a bit earlier.

Hows my nutrition and hydration? How's the cooking going?
Could be so much better.

Hows my exercise and movement habits? Ergonomics? Mobility? What can I work on?
I need to sort this asap.

How am I managing my devices?
I have some blocks in place on my laptop but not my phone. I still have daily habits on habitica to wipe my phone each day though.

Am I distracted? What's distracting me? What am I putting off? Am I finding it easy to prioritize including habits and tasks?
Anything else on my mind?

I guess like I said, work occupies a lot of my time so I try work in what I want to do into my job.

What's going well (in general)?
My direction. This log. My habits are going a bit better. I've got a party on habitica now so I stay motivated and accountable. I'm using what I've learned over the years to inform myself. I feel like there's a definitive goal to aim for in life with the actualization and transcendence stuff. I'm realising how much of my life hasn't been my fault. My brain, evolution, capitalism. All of it is a complex web. I'm not fully at fault for all the influences. I'm just in charge of how I manage it and redirect it all going ahead.

What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
Life is finite. Work towards things that are important.

What am I grateful for today? Name a win or wins...
All that I'm learning. Belonging in my workplace. Food. Food is amazing. My city is full of opportunities. Belief in myself. I'm believing in myself again. Parties coming up. I have social events to attend.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? (Go meditate if you haven't or meditate again) Could you do a nightly reset now (wipe apps and accounts off phone, laptop etc.)?
Defintely wanna mediate and just chill on my bed. Maybe listen to more of my audiobooks too.

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...
We will turn to our base instincts over our life purpose by default somewhat. But humans have the unique capability to make more of themselves and that should be our focus. Equanimity in life is so important. Seeing things neutrally in the sense of not clininging to pleasure or aversion to pain. Simply labelling as pleasant or otherwise. A very Buddhist approach!

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime?
I will do this for years and stay in the recovery community for life. Yes, for life. Helping others and never assuming it's gone for good. Only grateful for the time that passes without it.
 
Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions?
Contemplating the escort idea. Look at your tech use and apps. Make your goal to re-sensitize to porn so that a real life willing, consenting naked woman is the most amazing thing in the world to you again as it should be. Be kind to yourself when it comes to how you are in social settings. There's a lot in your mind. Don't give into limiting beliefs about your crush, see what happens. Try your best to start eating better too.
 
Am I willing: To act and answer with radical self-honesty and self-accountability as opposed to self-deception? Even just a sentence for each if I'm tired? To find/face reality and break the spell/fog so it can be truly dealt with? To challenge and scrutinize my beliefs including what I want for my own benefit versus what's true? Am I ignoring any external guidance? External validation is valuable but you only need to impress yourself, not appear a certain way if it's not true. What are some blind-spots I can think of?
Yes, I've reworked my nightly questions to make them easier to answer. I think work really helps because it gives me time to not be relapsing basically. Then my focus can go towards the morning window of time and the nightly window of time. This journal has been something I look forward to. Escorts are still my blind spot. Haven't been to any but been planning it in the back of my mind still.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about now? Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough?
Yeah, the last part of the question is the most important. Thinking that this log is enough would be the biggest mistake.

Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? Did I social media snoop on girls or exes etc? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that? How can I prevent in future? Any hard to quantify grey areas (fishing, lingering, edging, prone apps etc.?)
I looked at newspaper ads about escorts and then to imagine how they might look, I Googled their proportions. This of course brought up images of women in their underwear. The original justification was that I can look them up only if it's text based only. But A. I'm still not sure it's a good idea and B. I defeated the purpose anyway. This and I still linger on sexual triggers and content I come across

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term? Are there any feelings I can identify that are being stuffed down/avoided? How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention/approval?
I just want to feel comfortable in my life. Obviously not all the time but just in the areas or basic socializing and functioning. The only way to resolve that I think is to keep doing what I'm doing.

Any withdrawal symptoms? (a positive progress indicator) Strong cravings? Images? Increased interest in sex? Sense of missing out? Am I willing to make sacrafices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway
Yeah. Emptiness as well as mutism around others. Extremely low interest in socializing and in other people.

Have I been engaged much with this community or any real life ones?
Not yet, I feel like I don't get enough time.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? What about on a mundane level? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it? How clear has my mind been? Do I embrace suffering and emptiness as normal components of human life?
Same as yesterday. Been still exploring the book Transcend and ordered my own copy. I just meditated. Mindfulness in daily life is getting better as I remember to do it more.

How are my connections, belonging and hobbies? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam? How lonely are you?
I'm quite lonely. At work it's alright. I generally fit in there. I just have my off days and outside of work really not that many friends. I also don't spend enough time with my flatmates I don't think.

What's your current relationship with tech? How are you managing apps/devices? How are your reading habits? Hows your movement, posture, ergonomics and breaks?
Needs work but again, finding the time has been hard.

How are your sleep/rest, nutrition, cooking and hydration?
Sleep is good, hydration getting better but I need to stop drinking dairy. Nutrition is a mix. Still avoiding cooking as much as ever.

Am I managing my priorities and attention/distractions well? Am I still struggling with initiation and action?
Yes to the last part but even slow progress for now is progress.

What do I still need to practice being (gently) more accepting of? Do I need more compassion, self-validation or less beating myself up in any areas? How accepting have I been? Have I put myself first enough without feeling selfish or like I need to change to gain a mate? Is there anyone (including myself and my regrets) who I need to forgive in order to responsibly move forward? Can I come more into the present and accept/re-frame the past as: a valuable lesson/a stepping stone/energy to channel into growth, late-blooming, recovery, actualization, spiritual progress and transcendence? Can I let the remaining pain and stolen years drive me forward with recovery instead of drag me back into addiction? Whose standards am I living by? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I try please others? Do I stand up for myself and others well?
It's okay to be single. It's okay to be late in life as opposed to never trying at all. It's better to resolve it than to let it get worse and have to live through it for the rest of my life. Life is suffering. Life contains joy too. But not if you shut off from it entirely. It's not too late to experience joy. I believe now in human potential and purpose. I just need to beleive in my own. I just need to focus on me and live my life for me and sort my own shit out first before I worry about impressing others or what they think.

What's generally going well?
Same as usual: This log habit. Meditation. My intentions in the area of purpose are very solid. Just not career wise.

What am I grateful for today? Did I have any small/big win(s)?
Flatmate smiling at me and saying hello as I came in. Workmates excited to see me and asking how I am. People talking to me in general. Fun moments looking at funny stuff with colleagues at work.

Anything else on my mind?
I can't stop thinking about that girl and the possibility of finding another partner is making me happy in a way I haven't felt it before. It is a seure attachment. It's not a desperate longing. It's not purely based on appearance. It's calm. There's minimal red flags. I really hope this works out.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? More meditation? Device resets? etc.
I need to focus on doing the habits I missed and continue to explore content on self-actualization.

Lessons from resources? (Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...) What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
As social animals it's never going to be 100% percent possible to NOT care what others think and it's vital to remember this.

Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions?
Awareness is only half the story. Action is the rest. Question the escort idea more still. Rewatch J.K's video? Now is a good time to prioiritise again and put my health and cooking first again.
 
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Am I willing: To act and answer with radical self-honesty and self-accountability as opposed to self-deception? Even just a sentence for each if I'm tired? To find/face reality and break the spell/fog so it can be truly dealt with? To challenge and scrutinize my beliefs including what I want for my own benefit versus what's true? Am I ignoring any external guidance? External validation is valuable but you only need to impress yourself, not appear a certain way if it's not true. What are some blind-spots I can think of?
Yup I'm willing.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about now? Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough?
Lying on my bed and using my phone. Not doing this log straight away which tends to keep me on track. Having Facebook on my phone and snooping still. And going ahead I'll need a very solid plan for every little eventuality.

Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? Did I social media snoop on girls or exes etc? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that? How can I prevent in future? Any hard to quantify grey areas (fishing, lingering, edging, prone apps etc.?)
Yeah. I still look up escorts and their photos. I saw content on Facebook which shouldn't even be on my phone. Intentionally went on the profile of a hot girl on Tik-tok. I'm hyper-sensitive to all the cues at the moment. And yes still snooping on exes and the girl I'm into. A remaining contact from the dating apps still messages me out of loneliness. I always try manipulate the chats towards sexual topics. It's really bad. I avoided a bad setback as I saw myself planning for it. I set up more blocks on my computer instead. And edging is still an issue, yes.

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term? Are there any feelings I can identify that are being stuffed down/avoided? How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention/approval?
I miss having a connection with a girl. Honestly a big part of that was getting to rest without it feeling like wasted time. And that's something I can seek already. Sadly, it was also all just about the chemical rush. But what's bugging me the most right now is how much I like this girl and how much I can't tell if she likes me too. When I get her one on one and talking, we talk for hours. And she shows me so many things she's into and tells me everything about her. She has elements of Autism. But she opens up to me so much and it's so exciting. But I've never been more terrified in my life about someone not feeling the same way back towards me in a long time.

Any withdrawal symptoms? (a positive progress indicator) Strong cravings? Images? Increased interest in sex? Sense of missing out? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway
Big time. Massive internal restlessness and akathasia building. Sexual interest in women growing. The need for touch growing.

Have I been engaged much with this community or any real life ones?
No I need to make it a habit.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? What about on a mundane level? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it? How clear has my mind been? Do I embrace suffering and emptiness as normal components of human life?
Looked into it a tiny, tiny bit more today but didn't get very far.

How are my connections, belonging and hobbies? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam? How lonely are you?
Getting along so well with the girl at work when I get the chance to chat to her and get her to open up. But it's also making me realize I need to make everyone open up. Be interested in them. That's what makes someone a good likeable person. I'm good at being honest about my anxiety and mental health issues too.

What's your current relationship with tech? How are you managing apps/devices? How are your reading habits? Hows your movement, posture, ergonomics and breaks?
Not being focused on at the moment. I've been exhausted too.

How are your sleep/rest, nutrition, cooking and hydration?
Sleep is fine. Nutrition is still being habitually avoided.

Am I managing my priorities and attention/distractions well? Am I still struggling with initiation and action?
Yeah. Especially at the moment for the last part.

What do I still need to practice being (gently) more accepting of? Do I need more compassion, self-validation or less beating myself up in any areas? How accepting have I been? Have I put myself first enough without feeling selfish or like I need to change to gain a mate? Is there anyone (including myself and my regrets) who I need to forgive in order to responsibly move forward? Can I come more into the present and accept/re-frame the past as: a valuable lesson/a stepping stone/energy to channel into growth, late-blooming, recovery, actualization, spiritual progress and transcendence? Can I let the remaining pain and stolen years drive me forward with recovery instead of drag me back into addiction? Whose standards am I living by? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I try please others? Do I stand up for myself and others well?
I need to be accepting of the fact this girl might not like me as much as I like her. That's about the only thing on my mind right now. My anti-depressants and tiredness as well as dopamine deficit are all making me blunt to caring about anything right now. I think I'm more accepting than I realize, stronger than I think and more likeable than I think.

What's generally going well?
I'm caring about myself more.

What am I grateful for today? Did I have any small/big win(s)?
I talked for hours to a girl I was terrified to approach at all. I said hello to her even though I was shitting myself.

Anything else on my mind?
I'm so scared. I really want this to work. Yes, I'm only thinking and obsessing about this one thing.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? More meditation? Device resets? etc.
I do need to meditate. Then I need to catch up on missed daily habits.

Lessons from resources? (Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...) What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
I need to remember I'm a social sexual creature and embrace it in the healthiest ways I can. I need to know that I'm wired to always care what others think. It's a matter of getting better at soothing myself when people don't think well of me and taking my mind off it as much as possible without being unrealistic.

Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions...
For now I'll meditate then come back to this.
 
Am I willing: To act and answer with radical self-honesty and self-accountability as opposed to self-deception? Even just a sentence for each if I'm tired? To find/face reality and break the spell/fog so it can be truly dealt with? To challenge and scrutinize my beliefs including what I want for my own benefit versus what's true? Am I ignoring any external guidance? External validation is valuable but you only need to impress yourself, not appear a certain way if it's not true. What are some blind-spots I can think of?
Always willing to be more self-honest these days. Current blind spots are letting my executive dysfunction slow me down.

Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? Did I social media snoop on girls or exes etc? Did I visit dating/encounter/escort sites? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that? How can I prevent in future? Any hard to quantify grey areas (fishing, lingering, edging, prone apps etc.?)

Escort sites. Dating apps and reactivated my account on sexual encounter site. Engaged in sexual chats. All of these obviously involved pornographic images. I still linger on hot girls and sexual features too. Especially in movies and Tik-toks.

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term? Are there any feelings I can identify that are being stuffed down/avoided? How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention/approval?

Relief and reward. Bliss. Inner peace. Connection and warmth. Touch. Soothing. Bliss. Contentment. Escape. I can find all those with a partner and through spiritual exploration over time. Fixing up my life and pursuing self-actualization. The distress of my executive function is bringing me down. And my avoidance of tasks I put off and fear. I do need to remember to let myself feel the bad parts of life too. What's more important than all those things right now is that I'm internally balanced and my brain is healthy. I need a natural level of sexual interest.

New question: Remind yourself, what are you quitting?

Any withdrawal symptoms? (a positive progress indicator) Strong cravings? Mental images? Increased interest in - and/or desperation for - sex? Sense of missing out? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway...

Yeah but I acted out on them today.

Have I been engaged much with this community or any real life ones? Staying inspired is important!
No but I made it a habit on my habit tracker now so I remember to.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? What about on a mundane level? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it? How clear has my mind been? Do I embrace suffering and emptiness as normal components of human life? Can I see porn as a lower stage of my human/sexual/spiritual maturity?

Huge. My progress in acting on it not so much yet. But that's my brain. On a mundane level I've been thinking more about where I want to go career-wise. I definitely have a deeper down sense of the drive towards growth and the meaningful aspect of that. Mindfulness is okay but could be better. I've been seeking escape through food and pain killers.

How are my connections, belonging and hobbies? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam? How lonely are you?

Hobbies are non-existent and so are friendships outside of work. Family time today was good. I'm not lonely. I'm very used to being on my own these days.

What's your current relationship with tech? How are you managing apps/devices? How are your reading habits? Hows your movement, posture, ergonomics and breaks?

I'm pretty good compared to your average person these days. Reading is going very well. Movement needs a lot more attention.

How are your sleep/rest, nutrition, cooking and hydration? Have you been going to bed on time? You haven't done this for years and it will catch up on you and be irreversible. Did you use your phone in bed?

Been going to bed very late. Waking up on time a bit more often but not today. Went on my phone last night

Am I managing my priorities and attention/distractions well? Am I still struggling with initiation and action?

Yeah struggling still. But habit tracking on Habitica helps, especially having a group to be accountable to

Have I been gentle, compassionate and accepting of myself and life? Have I been easy on myself? Do I self-validate enough? Have I put myself first enough without feeling selfish or have I been fixated on pleasing or attracting others and living up to external standards too much? Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well?

I think most of what I've been doing overall has been acts of self-love. I'm a very strong person

What's generally going well?

The habit stuff even though it's slow. My direction clarity. Knowing that life is worthwhile no matter where I'm currently at, that there's still a big picture and reasons to keep trying and it's never too late too. I wish I had done it sooner

What am I grateful for today? Did I have any small/big win(s)?

Family time, seeing a movie, having time off work

Anything else on my mind?

I need friends.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about now? Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Am I taking this seriously and urgent enough?
I don't think I do take it urgently or seriously as I should. That's an important key. I also need to remember that it's just something I need to accept was a big part of my development so will be with me in some form for the rest of my life now.

Lessons from resources? (Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...) What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?

Pain counteracts pleasure on the scale and comes down on you harder the more you throw pleasure at it. It also takes longer to recover from in this case and more and more in order to get your pleasure.

Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions...

I need to stay off dating apps and escort sites still. I need to remind myself what I'm quitting. I need friends, connection, natural rewards, spiritual progress. Keep being mindful and habit tracking. Focus on hobbies and a sleep schedule. Taking this seriously. Most of all, going easy on myself and being self-understanding.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? More meditation? Device resets? etc.

Delete my accounts again. Meditate. Habits.
 
Am I willing: To act and answer with radical self-honesty and self-accountability as opposed to self-deception? Even just a sentence for each if I'm tired? To find/face reality and break the spell/fog so it can be truly dealt with? To challenge and scrutinize my beliefs including what I want for my own benefit versus what's true? Am I ignoring any external guidance? External validation is valuable but you only need to impress yourself, not appear a certain way if it's not true. What are some blind-spots I can think of?
Yeah. My desperation for sex is fueling me.

Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? Did I social media snoop on girls or exes etc? Did I visit dating/encounter/escort sites? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that? How can I prevent in future? Any hard to quantify grey areas (fishing, lingering, edging, prone apps etc.?)
Yeah, keeping my dating profiles up leads me to relapse. Wanting sex leads me to relapse. In the future I need to lock down on these outside behaviors more and be more internally inclusive of them.

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term? Are there any feelings I can identify that are being stuffed down/avoided? How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention/approval?
Connection.

Remind yourself, what are you quitting?
Porn, sexual desperation, dating sites and escorts. Sex addiction.

Any withdrawal symptoms? (a positive progress indicator) Strong cravings? Mental images? Increased interest in - and/or desperation for - sex? Sense of missing out? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway...
Way more desperation and trying to act on it. Yeah I need to sacrifice them.

Have I been engaged much with this community or any real life ones? Staying inspired is important!
Not yet,

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? What about on a mundane level? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it? How clear has my mind been? Do I embrace suffering and emptiness as normal components of human life? Can I see porn as a lower stage of my human/sexual/spiritual maturity?
Getting clearer the more I explore it but taking action is my issue.

How are my connections, belonging and hobbies? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam? How lonely are you?
I need more friends.

What's your current relationship with tech? How are you managing apps/devices? How are your reading habits? Hows your movement, posture, ergonomics and breaks?
Needs way more work.

How are your sleep/rest, nutrition, cooking and hydration? Have you been going to bed on time? You haven't done this for years and it will catch up on you and be irreversible. Did you use your phone in bed?
Needs way more work. I slept really bad last night. Not having a bedtime is the issue.

Am I managing my priorities and attention/distractions well? Am I still struggling with initiation and action?
No.

Have I been gentle, compassionate and accepting of myself and life? Have I been easy on myself? Do I self-validate enough? Have I put myself first enough without feeling selfish or have I been fixated on pleasing or attracting others and living up to external standards too much? Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well?
I distract myself a lot. I don't let go of the past easily. I don't let go of ex partners well.

What's generally going well?
My knowledge gained through exploring human purpose.

What am I grateful for today? Did I have any small/big win(s)?
Same as above. Learning new things.

Anything else on my mind?
Today is a lazy post. From the sleep-in onwards, nothing has gone particularly well today. My life is marked by loneliness.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about now? Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Am I taking this seriously and urgent enough?
I need to take this fucking seriously. It's my whole life.

Lessons from resources? (Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...) What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
After our basic needs, we need connection the most, a sense of meaning and healing through our suffering and trauma and contribution. Belonging to a collective and greater whole. Our life needs to be less self focused but still self healing.

Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions...
The stuff I frame as separate in my head are becoming part of a larger growing sex addiction. I've known this for ages obviously but getting it through to your mind is another thing.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? More meditation? Device resets? etc.
Delete all the sites, apps again. Catch up on habits.
 
Am I willing to be radically self-honest/accountable (as opposed to self-deceptive or trying to appear a certain way for approval) as well as vulnerable with (the right) others? Answering at least 1 sentence per prompt? Facing reality through the spell/fog so it's truly dealt with? Holding all beliefs and ideals up to that light, scrutinizing them, identifying any blind-spots or ignored external guidance? Are you fooling yourself about anything? What exact behaviors are you addressing?
Yes. I can only change by facing things as they truly are. That doesn't mean I don't have walls up in my own mind that I'm not even aware of though.

Am I taking this seriously and urgent enough? Am I still making it number 1 or do I need to recommit? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about now? Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough?
No I don't think I am and am I willing? Not fully yet, no. I need to recommit for sure. I need to recommit daily. This log is one way of doing that. I think the more I learn about the brain the more I'll wanna avoid relapsing into this.

Did I experience any withdrawal symptoms, strong cravings or mental images? An increase in sexual desire/desperation/missing-out feeling? Was I able to see them as positive indicators or separate the sensations from their associated mental forms?
Not today no.

Did I seek, act-out or engage in any kind of unwanted/unhelpful behaviors/patterns today? What are my current masturbation habits and frequency? Have I been edging? Fantasizing? Did I snoop on social media? Visit escorts or escort sites? Use dating apps or encounter sites? Any hard to quantify grey areas (fishing, lingering, prone apps…? How can I prevent future recurring setbacks or how did I manage to avoid any today?
I believe I relapsed last night in bed and I went and saw an escort. It was overall a positive experience but I feel ashamed to address it on here fully in this moment, if at all. I guess that means I'm not really ready to be fully self honest. My method of masturbation is still quite rough. I didn't feel that compelled towards sex today at all. I do still snoop online though. Just gotta keep getting rid of social apps from my phone.

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing/wanting deep down? How can I achieve that long term in healthy ways? Are there any feelings I can identify that are being stuffed down/avoided? How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention/approval?
Today when sadness came up, I tried a few times to just let it be present. Even when socializing with others. Deep down I'm just wanting inner feelings of stability. Balanced brain chemicals. Ease of socialising. Less self-doubt about my potential to get a partner. Been eating quite shit lately.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? What about on a mundane level? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it? How clear has my mind been? Do I embrace suffering and emptiness as normal components of human life and that I'm not alone? Can I see porn as a lower stage of my human/sexual/spiritual maturity? Am I finding meaning through my suffering and traumas? I’ve applied misdirected love and worship towards mundane, shallow and materialistic behaviors/substances. Invested in a belief they will make me feel better. Can I repurpose and redirect these positive impulses? Can I reconnect to this love both in and outside of myself? Beyond apparent objective material reality?
In the background it's great. I attended a local Zen class where I'm already somewhat known and meditated with them. My mindfulness was quite good today. I think it's gradually getting better and becoming more of a consistent intention. My mind was fairly clear today but I'm not that deeply aware of it yet. And yes, I do accept that suffering is common-place and universal. Porn is something I need to accept that I like but can't have. I can't fool myself into thinking it's not fun or exciting. That's just not true. What's true is that it is and it's still not good for me. And yes, I'm trying to frame my years of suffering and regret as a massive lesson. If I didn't it would be a lot more painful. Tying all the threads I've been gathering over the years makes the years feel more worth something. I certainly learnt a lot along the way. Execution was the only struggle. I'm trying to see beyond objective reality. I had glimpses of it after meditation. And in the morning.

Am I maintaining a good, consistent, circadian rest/wake-up routine and tech limits? You haven't done this for years and it will catch up on you and be irreversible. What's the plan?
I need a rule about bedtime with less exceptions made.

Hows you nutrition, cooking and hydration?

Not good.

Have I been gentle, compassionate and accepting of myself and life? Have I been easy on myself? Do I self-validate enough? Have I put myself first enough without feeling selfish or have I been fixated on pleasing or attracting others and living up to external standards too much? Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I remember I am inherently worthy? Do I accept some level of status will always be important?

I'm starting to see my value without the need for anyone to affirm it for me and that's an amazing thing. I could be better but that's exciting not negative. I'm slightly better at standing up for myself if not at least better at acknowledging my limitations. I always have room to grow.

I’ve caused suffering for myself and others, made mistakes, been wrong or at fault and lost respect/reputation. Others have done the same. Can I reflect on this with radical-honesty, gain clarity on my motives (what was I wanting/avoiding) and the wisdom gained in order to responsibly change (what should’ve been done instead)? Am I ready and willing to apologize (creatively)? What blame/victimhood/regrets/resentments need forgiving/letting-go of? Can I imagine how good the relief of letting them all go would feel?
I don't feel sorry right in this moment. I've pushed down my hurtful actions from the past which is mostly natural. I guess self-pity was what I was avoiding and an understanding of the deeper roots of my behaviours. All I can do is take the poison out of my life and go towards love and compassion. First I need to heal me. I certainly am still holding on to many unresolved resentments. I'm not willing to let go. I seem to think there will come a magical day I can make the other person see and acknowledge all the suffering I see them as having caused me.

Am I coping well with executive challenges, motivation/drive and delayed gratification? Am I placing too much dopamine-driven importance on sexual possibilities and short-term gratification? What am I currently afraid of and/or putting off? Am I managing priorities and attention/distractions well? Am I still struggling with initiation and action?
I think I'm accepting more of my brains limitations and going far easier on myself. Accepting what does and doesn't work even if I wished it did.

Staying inspired is essential. Am I engaged with the community online or in person?

No. But starting to go to Buddhist sanghas again will help because ultimately Buddhism, on one level, is a practice of being free of craving and desire.

How are my connections, belonging and hobbies? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam? How lonely are you?
I'm getting so good at socializing with people. It only takes being interested in people, listening genuinely, encouraging them, letting them shine, being happy for them, giving them space, making them feel important and belong.

What's your current relationship with tech? How are you managing apps/devices? How are your reading habits? Hows your movement, posture, ergonomics and breaks?
Could be better. Much better. I have lots of intentions but then work drains all my time and energy! Reading lots.

What's generally going well?

My social skills, my acceptance of my situation. My meditation class today. Got an appointment sorted. Feeling more confident about my ability to attract a mate.

Anything else on my mind?
Her. I still have a massive crush.

What am I grateful for today? Did I have any small/big win(s)? Anything you're proud of? Did a good job? Brag and shine!
Grateful for people who just wanna help. Grateful for having money. Proud of my social skills today. Over time I've become more natural in my job as well. Used to be so shy but now I'm great with customers.
 
Lessons from resources? (Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...) What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
Happiness levels aren't usually based on the activities but the quality of focus we have while doing them. Meditation isn't about thought clearing, they're completely irrelevant to the task at hand and basically you can leave them be. Labeling and noting therefore is a great technique for settling things down a bit.

Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions...

Bedtime routine! Being present and connected. Keeping up what I'm doing with meditation. Going deeper on the surrounding philosophy. I've been reading too. Introduce even more self-compassion and acceptance. Try let go of some of my baggage and resentment. Still need to learn to cook better too.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? More meditation? Device resets? etc.

One last meditation maybe.
 

Am I willing to be radically self-honest/accountable (as opposed to self-deceptive or trying to appear a certain way for approval) as well as vulnerable with (the right) others? Answering at least 1 sentence per prompt? Facing reality through the spell/fog so it's truly dealt with? Holding all beliefs and ideals up to that light, scrutinizing them, identifying any blind-spots or ignored external guidance? Are you fooling yourself about anything? What exact behaviors are you addressing?

I'm addressing sexual and orgasm seeking outside of mate attraction in real life. I relapsed just before this post after being triggered by the YouTube home page when you haven't logged into your account.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decided to act out?
One where it's hard to socialize, attract the partner I want. Where I doubt myself and feel so behind and depressed. One where I don't feel in control.

Am I taking this seriously and urgent enough? Am I still making it number 1 or do I need to recommit? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about now? Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? The sometime subtle (yet not subtle) part of you that wants to relapse is separate from THIS part of you, but part of you as a whole, are you addressing that the most?
No I'm not taking this seriously or urgently enough at all right now. I need to recommit. And yes, I do need to remember the finitude of my life. The subtle part is true. Even during this post I've felt compelled to relapse. Why? Because I'm uncomfortable. I'm beating myself up over a girl again instead of focusing on myself.

Did I experience any withdrawal symptoms, strong cravings or mental images? An increase in sexual desire/desperation/missing-out feeling? Was I able to see them as positive indicators or separate the sensations from their associated mental forms?
Not really. Just anxiety related to my crush and beating myself up over how I dealt with them and every tiny little interaction and move made. What amazes me about my current crush is that, for the first time, while attraction is there, I've mostly just caught feelings and the sexual thoughts about them are hardly there at all. It makes me see how much sex was a component in the past for me and that's great that I'm not doing it now, even if it leads nowhere. I'm not giving up on this one. I'm too interested in this girl.

Did I seek, act-out or engage in any kind of unwanted/unhelpful behaviors/patterns today? What are my current masturbation habits and frequency? Have I been edging? Fantasizing? Did I snoop on social media? Visit escorts or escort sites? Use dating apps or encounter sites? Any hard to quantify grey areas (fishing, lingering, prone apps…? How can I prevent future recurring setbacks or how did I manage to avoid any today?
Yeah. YouTube homepage was the trigger. Masturbation and edging are still an issue. I can avoid all this by having clearer guidelines and reading them more consistently.

What am I truly seeking/intending/needing/wanting deep down? How can I achieve that long term in healthy ways? Are there any feelings I can identify that are being stuffed down/avoided? How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention/approval?
Peace. Love. A partner. Security. Contentment. Space to grow and do the things I find important in life which are very basic. Meditation, living simply. Looking after myself well.

How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? What about on a mundane level? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate (any is better than none)? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it? How clear has my mind been? Do I embrace suffering and emptiness as normal components of human life and that I'm not alone? Can I see porn as a lower stage of my human/sexual/spiritual maturity? Am I finding meaning through my suffering and traumas? I’ve applied misdirected love and worship towards mundane, shallow and materialistic behaviors/substances. Invested in a belief they will make me feel better. Can I repurpose and redirect these positive impulses? Can I reconnect to this love both in and outside of myself? Beyond apparent objective material reality?
Going well. Glad to be back in a Buddhist sangha/group. I've accepted where I'm at in my career. I'm just a human. Never gonna be perfect nor do I need to be. I could be more mindful. My moods have been bad. I do accept that suffering is a big part of life yes. And I do forget that porn is low level. I keep getting silly ideas in my head that maybe it isn't so bad. When I'm in the moment it feels fine but it's not.

Am I maintaining a good, consistent, circadian rest/wake-up routine and tech limits? You haven't done this for years and it will catch up on you and be irreversible. What's the plan?
No. And right now, NO plan :(

Hows you nutrition, cooking and hydration?
:( Needs work.

Have I been gentle, compassionate and accepting of myself and life? Have I been easy on myself? Do I self-validate enough? Have I put myself first enough without feeling selfish or have I been fixated on pleasing or attracting others and living up to external standards too much? Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I remember I am inherently worthy? Do I accept some level of status will always be important?
Yeah, I've been slipping into anxious attachment and losing focus on my self. I'm really hard about myself when it comes to how I am socially and I've been trying way too hard lately with social interactions. I've gotten over my ex in all of this though and that's been a great aspect of all that! Shame I could work on a lot. Optimism and hope I always have in abundance deep down.

I’ve caused suffering for myself and others, made mistakes, been wrong or at fault and lost respect/reputation. Others have done the same. Can I reflect on this with radical-honesty, gain clarity on my motives (what was I wanting/avoiding) and the wisdom gained in order to responsibly change (what should’ve been done instead)? Am I ready and willing to apologize (creatively)? What blame/victimhood/regrets/resentments need forgiving/letting-go of? Can I imagine how good the relief of letting them all go would feel?
I don't necessarily forgive, but I let go more now. I understand where all of my unwanted past behaviours have come from. I understand their roots and their brain causes. I'm content with the fact that my true character is still pure and that I can still become whole.

Am I coping well with executive challenges, motivation/drive and delayed gratification? Am I placing too much dopamine-driven importance on sexual possibilities and short-term gratification? What am I currently afraid of and/or putting off? Am I managing priorities and attention/distractions well? Am I still struggling with initiation and action?
Cooking. I need to learn how to cook. I avoid it at all costs and I also understand myself for doing so. Not everyone likes it. Just like not everyone learns how to drive etc. It will help me do things I value more and that's the main reason I need to do it.

Staying inspired is essential. Am I engaged with the community online or in person?
Not yet but joining spiritual communities again counts for me.

How are my connections, belonging and hobbies? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam? How lonely are you?
Hobbies if you count the meditation is good. But otherwise not much in that area. Socializing at work is going okay. Outside of work I'm happily lonely but deep down I crave at least one good connection.

What's your current relationship with tech? How are you managing apps/devices? How are your reading habits? Hows your movement, posture, ergonomics and breaks?
Not that bad or good either. Reading is going better with practice. I would like to pay more attention to my movement.

What's generally going well?
Most of the positives above. Mostly a sense of settling into myself and accepting limitations more than I did in the past.

Anything else on my mind?
I want this girl in my life more than anything and it's not the compulsion or obsession. I think about her a lot. It's this hopeful strong wish and certainty that I and her could make something work and it would be amazing.

What am I grateful for today? Did I have any small/big win(s)? Anything you're proud of? Did a good job? Brag and shine!
Time with her. I swear we have the best conversations I've had in my life. I love listening to her.
 
Lessons from resources? (Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...) What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
I am imperfect and limited. But I can still be whole.

Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions...
Take it easy but take it seriously and urgently.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? More meditation? Device resets? etc.
A tiny bit of meditation then sleep.
 
Life is finite. I'm 'abstaining from seeking sexual-stimulation via artificial, convenient means' in order to 'restore my brain and therefore my life'. Being radically honest and accountable to myself and support communities. Awareness alone doesn't work. Dopamine-detoxing, getting the frontal-lobe back online and introducing tangible, significant change through restoring the lacking executive-skills like prioritizing (urgency), initiation and long-term goal/habit-persistence, DOES. Facing fears, discomfort, difficulty, initial boredom, procrastination and avoidance until they become easier to manage. This means a period of emptiness. Any further thoughts? Am I taking this seriously, urgently, making it number one, recommitting and willing to make major sacrifices ASAP? (I've been negatively doing this anyway) Any blind spots?
I've been in this loop for years. I do want to break it.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about now?
I get most complacent when I'm tired or overwhelmed.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
One where I'm a hollow shell. One where I live the same year over and over.

Did I have setbacks and what practical changes am I going to immediately put in place? Can I think of the contributing causes?
Heaps. Hangover and self-hatred induced. End of year time pressure.

Did I experience any withdrawal symptoms, strong cravings or mental images? An increase in sexual desire/desperation/missing-out feeling? Was I able to see them as positive indicators or separate the sensations from their associated mental forms? Am I trusting the emptiness and desperation are leading somewhere that will feel a million times better?
No withdrawals today and no, I don't always imagine that life will feel a million times better off porn.

Am I [dating-app, encounter-site, escort and social-media app]-free? If not why not? How I will actively maintain this? How will I cope?
No.

Did I use my phone on my bed at any point?
Yeah.

Did I meditate?
Yes.

Did I practice cooking today? Did I eat well? Did I stay hydrated?
No. No. No.

I need to connect as well as be vulnerable with the right others. Did I socialize today, find it difficult or avoid it? Did I stay in my room and avoid my flatmates? How's work?
I barely socialized.

Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places?
No.

Any other thoughts?
Not tonight. I'm hungover which is a big part of my relapses.

How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? More meditation? Device resets? etc.
Meditated just before this. Might just go to bed.
 
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I'm rewriting my questions so this is incomplete:

Awareness alone isn't enough to change/heal/transform. Am I making this an urgent, serious priority with 100% commitment and sacrifices? I'm quitting the seeking of sexual stimulation through easy, artificial means in order to reclaim my brain function and life. Do I accept that change means I must think/feel/act differently? Do I have hope/belief/faith in myself and the process?
Yes.

Beyond profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and others is vital and the only way to address reality. Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in?
Yeah I still put on an act just to have basic social functioning.

Did I seek, act-out or engage in any kind of unwanted/unhelpful behaviors/patterns today? What are my current masturbation habits and frequency? Have I been edging? Fantasizing? Did I snoop on social media? Visit escorts or escort sites? Use dating apps or encounter sites? Any hard to quantify grey areas (fishing, lingering, prone apps…? How can I prevent future recurring setbacks or how did I manage to avoid any today?
Just edging. Otherwise I did very well.

What’s your current daily success rate? 60%

Am I clear on what to do when I'm triggered, craving or experiencing withdrawals?
Use Fortify, return to the present, go towards spiritual things.

Progress towards ambitions, ideal-self vision, actualization and transcendence?
On a knowledge and intention only level yes.

Porn-induced executive-dysfunction has stolen my sense of life security. How am I coping? Money? Laundry?
Not as well as I'd like.

How is it impacting my relationships?
I'm not being my full self still. I don't feel capable of it. I got really upset today when everybody called me out as someone who would never be labeled optimistic. They literally all laughed at me. perhaps there's a lesson here?

I need to outgrow this. Current views and mature higher perspectives on/approaches to porn, sexuality, objectification and masculinity? Is sexuality still a distraction for me? How about attachment work?
Not really distracted at the moment. Attachment is my main focus. My attachment to the ideas of romantic love too and my fixation on certain attractive girls who I then obsess over.

Have I been engaged much with this community or any real life ones?
Only Buddhist Sangha the other day.
 
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I'm reformulating my questions again, some are missing and will be added next time.

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%?
Yes I'm committed to this. I've been using Fortify and it's really helping. I'm considering paying for it as the most affordable self-investment option there currently is. I'm also serious about change in general.

Radical honesty and healthy vulnerability are essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots?
Yeah. I'm a pleaser for sure. I want to stop doing it. I want to be myself, even if that self is having a bad day. Over time I hope I find ways to balance that with being kind to people still. At the moment I've found it hard. It's likely the dopamine deficit from quitting. It's probably a good sign. My current blind spots may be false security about my current trajectory?

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first?
Yes. I realize the intense importance of this.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area?
Yes. I'm still in the learning phases. Reading the Transcend book based on Maslow and at least having more of a structure like I've been saying.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
Zero setbacks today. Whenever I saw something, I got away fast.

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough?
Work keeps me busy but currently my energy and social skills are zero.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?

One where I can't manage basic self-care and in recovery, one where I can feel in control and live very simply and just enjoy the moment.

Beyond wholeness/oneness, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? How can I achieve this long-term? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?

Just those three really. My body has a lot of pain and tension that needs attention I think.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated?

No but I'm considering a meal ingredient/recipe delivery service so I can at least be in the kitchen more often and get comfortable with it. Hydration is slightly improving but might be another reason I'm so drained. I used to drink a lot of sugar-free flavored waters but have been trying to quit sweeteners.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Hope and inspiration are also vital. Nobody can do this without guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these?

I know social stuff is more important now. I'm just a bit down about how much I don't really belong in my workplace. People project stuff onto me and I'm deeply misunderstood I feel.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? What's the plan?

No not enough. I need to sign up for a gym again. I do have small habits set up on my habit tracker but no consistency yet.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? What needs to change?

No. I've been staying up late and yes I've been using my phone.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. Did I manage stress in healthy ways?

I don't think I've fully allowed all my negative emotions no. I think withdrawal makes me very awkward with others and beat myself up about it.

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?

I need a healthy partner. It doesn't matter if they aren't monogamous. I need to know we can communicate well. We don't have to be perfect either but we need to know how to have a healthy attachment and connection. I do want a girlfriend. I'm only interested in this one girl at the moment. There was one that got away that I see around occasionally too. I still beat myself up because I think I've already pushed away the one I really want. But, as they say about anxious attachment, you're only as anxious as your last interaction...

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now?

Yup. It's for life. To not be complacent I need to let things like these questions evolve as I do and I need to see recovery as part of the bigger picture of actualization and transcendence.

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Anything I’m proud of? Brag and shine!

I'm grateful I have access to the amount of useful info I do and I'm grateful to my past self for all the hard work he put in to learning about us and what we truly need. All on our own with very little local support around.

Further reflections?

I hate how people don't know the real me at the moment.

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)

I need to remember that there can't be any half-measures if I want to change. But I do also need to give myself credit for the things I've managed to learn and do regarding this problem. It's not like I've never ever tried. I've tried multiple things and my heart has always been in the right place.

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or device wipes etc.

Still need to meditate. Also need to keep my phone away from the bed.
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and others is vital and the only way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots?
I'm doing well. I think Fortify and investing in it alongside everything I've been doing has really, so far, been inspiring me. That and framing my life in the Actualization/Transcendence/Growth/Development frameworks etc. Spiritual frameworks. I do think I'm still a pleaser and that needs to stop. The reason I haven't worked on this in a while is that, while it's always been an issue, I've let go of all the anxious sensations around it, so I never really notice it

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%?
I'm not committed 100% no. I have homework to do on Fortify and I haven't done it. It was to make a habit that would give me progress and practice it for four days. That doesn't mean it's too late.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first?
Kind of. I've always sort of done this but I've always had the executive function issues too so I never make much progress at a time.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area?
Yeah. This of all things feels better than ever.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
Lots of triggers. I need to make sure I never doubt a trigger. As in, even a slightest inkling of a tiny, tiny hint of one, I should stick to my plan. Why? Because even if it turns out not to be one, I'm training my brain to notice subtle signs of being triggered and forming a habit to immediately do something

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should?
That last part is a big deal. And I think I need to do it. Life is suffering as Buddha said. Not because it's only suffering, but so we acknowledge the other side of the coin. I'm confident with Fortify for now.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
A life where I feel so powerless, socially awkward and unhappy. One where I keep delaying my future and over trusting my future self. If I recover I go towards a life where I feel free to focus on the essentials and the simple life I want.

Beyond wholeness/oneness, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? How can I achieve this long-term? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
I'm avoiding feeling what I really feel because I've been sensitive my whole life. Ultimately I'm medicating the simple fact of just being me.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine?
I ate averagely and hydrated averagely. I did replace caffeine well in the morning. No coffee all day but a bit of chocolate.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
I connected more with my flatmates on purpose. I listened to my workmates more. I don't feel that nervous when I have a good streak going. I don't have a community yet. But no I haven't. I responded to a few people on Fortify though.

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I remember I am inherently worthy? Do I accept some level of status will always be important?
I love people who have hurt me. I don't like what they did and I would never get back with exes. But I love them. And life is not black and white. I don't necessarily forgive them really, but I know deep down I want them to be okay and just stay away from me and that's enough in my eyes. My limitations? Hmm. I don't think I'm as self-compassionate as I could be. I think there's still a lot of buried stuff in here.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
I just walk a lot. But otherwise no. I need to do a lot more body stuff.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
Yeah I'm taking this more seriously, I especially pay attention to how it will make me feel socially the next day.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways?
I think I'm still stuffing it all down.

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
I've been fixated on finding a healthy partner now. This one girl in particular actually.

What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
Nothing new yet. Bought a new book.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now?
I'm in this for life wether I like it or not. And yeah I feel safe with this and Foritify in place but I need to stop skipping days and exercises even if I have security feelings.

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Anything I’m proud of? Brag and shine!
Music. I love music.

Further reflections?
Don't have enough energy to go deep tonight.

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)
Trauma, guilt, shame, need work. Emotions are trapped in my body. The brain is the hood of the car. We are the driver. Can't always blame or focus on the driver and driving. Being vulnerable gives others permission to do the same and gains respect for us.

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc.
I'm tired and I'm gonna charge my phone away from me.
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the only way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots?
I'm willing to remain as self-honest as I possibly can be. I think my biggest trouble is the sneaky desire to want to attract mates instead of focus on me.

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%?
This is my longest porn-free streak all year I'd say. 7 days in a row. Why? I've been exploring developmental models for life, the stages of faith, Buddhism, nonduality. I've found purpose and structure. I've paid for Fortify. I've sorted meals and learning to cook which was occupying my mind a lot.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?
I know what needs doing, I just struggle with priorities and starting. But ultimately yes. I know the inner stuff needs my attention.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area?
Yes.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
Masturbated without fantasy using a Fleshlight which is the only outlet I'm currently allowing myself and probably once a week max. I feel guilty but I think there's no need. I think this method is going to help a lot.

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should?
Yeah I think I've also remembered this too. I need to just let myself feel but also stop associating the bad sensations with the imagery.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
I'm going back to a life where I'm constantly stuck in months of trying to recovery and battle my own self. In recovery I'm literally glowing up, becoming super attractive in every measure and feeling content and whole which is all I want.

Beyond wholeness/oneness, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? How can I achieve this long-term? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
I want connection. That's what I want. I want to feel like my boring life has something going for it. Or at least a distraction from that.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food? What could you do different tomorrow?
I ate average again. Drank coffee too. I need to quit caffeine and make it a whole thing.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
My social skills have been amazing lately. The more I sleep and reboot, the better it is. In terms of inspiration, nothing direct at the moment. Only stuff I'm exploring about purpose.

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important?
I do ruminate a lot. I still snoop on my ex. I'm becoming more self accepting in many measures I think. My shame levels aren't as high as they used to be. I'm more understanding now that I understand all the roots. Assertiveness not amazing. Self-compassion is increasing I think. I take time to be proud of myself. I think I've also been super patient with myself as well. Pleasing others? Yes. Worth I've started to question. And yes, I want to increase my status on healthy measures.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
No I need a plan. At least one foundational routine. At the most I have a habit set up for a couple important muscle groups but that's it.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
I need to go to bed no matter how much desire I have for other things.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways?
I think I've been consuming a lot of info, ideas, podcasts, music etc. I'm not entirely sure how healthy that is.

Did I do a lot of walking as a form of avoidance today?
Yes.

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
I masturbated in what I consider to be the healthiest possible way beyond abstaining. Sex and porn are ways to meet needs at a superficial and harmful level. Illusory meeting of needs anyways.

What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
I want to learn chess.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
Need to bring my focus back every time I'm going well.

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins?
Finding a good book I wanted.

Further reflections?
Keep wearing myself out with compulsive walking.

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)
All humans have a desire for faith separate from religion and we need to find our own version of that. It goes in stages too.

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc.
I tried to meditate multiple times and I kept snapping out of it. My body felt so restless.
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the only way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots?
I'm willing to be honest yes. I think I don't always speak up and let myself shine enough. I've got so much to offer the world and I suppress it often.

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%?
Fortify is really motivating me to keep up a streak and make genuine change in between. I need to make changes to my bed routine most of all I think.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?
Today I listened to books about childhood neglect and shame. I'm sure stuff went in as well but I didn't do anything practical, just listened.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate?
Yes. Reading: Stages of Faith. Went to Zen meditation class. Think about nonduality a lot. Think about self-actualization a lot too.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?

I had victories today. They've taught me that what I was lacking was direction and I was letting sex be a distraction. Now I've realized I want a serious relationship where I can love someone to the best of my ability.

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should?
I think I always know what to do in the moment now. I think enough repetition daily and making these questions habitual and interesting has been part of that. In the past I didn't reflect as much. I'm containing the chaos as I've always thought about. It's like a virus that grows over important life areas. You can't kill it but you can confine it and scare it away. While it's confined the areas it damaged start to regrow, and residue remains. It's why every bit we do counts.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
When I act out, I'm choosing to have a frozen life again where every year is the same pattern over and over again.

Beyond wholeness/oneness, connection, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? How can I achieve this long-term? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
Pleasure. Why? I guess I want relief. Why? I want to feel complete and relaxed. I want to feel okay and secure. So yeah. Nothing beyond those needs still.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food? What could you do different tomorrow?
I didn't cook. I didn't eat that well. Had coffee which wasn't ideal. Tomorrow I could at least go plant based and try eat less sugar, sweetners and coffee.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
Connection has been super important lately yeah.

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still?
I think I need to simplify these questions haha. But at the same time, they're reflective reminders and that's the stage I'm still at here.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
Not yet but thinking about it more and more.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
This is the big one I need to work on. But I've also done a good job I think at associating bed and sleep now.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways?
I definitely explored my need to express my emotions more today.

Did I do a lot of walking as a form of avoidance today? Or did I maintain limits?
Yeah. Too much I think. I need to devote time to other things. I do it out of boredom. I need to meet more people

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
It's a waste of time, energy and sometimes money. Sex should be the icing on the cake of a nice connection with someone.

What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
Meditation. Reading. Libraries. Bookshops. Walking.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
Just gotta assume it'll never go away. That I will have to be in recovery for life and that there's value in that and it can be more on the downlow as the years progress.

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Proud of anything today?
Talked confidently to a girl I knew when I recognised her. I socialise so well and so naturally with women now without it being sexual. There's still sexual energy there but it's comfortable and natural. It feels so good. Natural rewards are already streaming back in on day 10

Further reflections?

Edging needs work. I keep touching myself and quickly having to stop. But I'm remembering to stop and that's the main thing

Lessons from resources? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)
Shame is interpersonal and dependent on upbrining and finding people who can truly love you. It's not yours alone or your own fault alone. Emotions evolved before thought. They guide us and none are right or wrong. Expressing them in healthy, compassionate, assertive ways is what gives life meaning and how we connect with one another

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc.
By turning off my lights, plugging my phone in away from the bed, putting my earplugs in and relaxing, and then sleeping if it happens which it usually does
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the ONLY way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots?
I often go into my pleasing or a role with others automatically as I get used to them instead of remaining myself.

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough?
I've been taking it super seriously for sure.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?
Very much so. By exploring root topics primarily through audio-books.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate?
Yes. Recovery is making everything in my life better already. The active process of recovery is an amazing thing.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
No setbacks today except for when I picked up a graphic novel and went through it looking for sexual content. I saw glimpses of it. It teaches me that I'm still trying to get my dopamine hits and I need to be more vigilant.

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should?
I feel rough in my body often and tired but I no longer associate those sensations with addiction and it's really helping. The only time I associate it is when I remind myself that they are caused by the behavior itself.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
When I act out I don't feel anywhere near as confident as I've been feeling lately. In recovery I'm insanely better. Even in the early stages. Almost 10 days. I'm so proud. It's been a long time coming

Beyond wholeness/oneness, connection, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? How can I achieve this long-term? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
I want companionship and feeling normal and whole.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food? What could you do different tomorrow?
Didn't cook. Ate fast food. Had coffee and tea. Still had sugar.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
Yeah more than usual. The main form of support I have right now is audiobooks on recovery. The current is Unchain Your Brain. very good book.

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still?
My self-compassion is important. I think I'm heading in the right direction with that.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
Not yet.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
Sleeping better but went on my phone in the morning. Letting that slide is risky.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways?
I don't know if I have a clear answer today. I think I'm often remembering to practice equanimity.

Did I do a lot of walking as a form of avoidance today? Or did I maintain limits?
Did a lot.

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
It's a biological drive humans have exaggerated. It's not meant to consume us. It's meant to be rarer and require more effort.

What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
Same as yesterday.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
I need to integrate recovery and my mission/direction/actualisation. That simple. Integration.

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Proud of anything today?
Grateful that people make effort to talk to me. Audiobooks on recovery.

Further reflections?
Not tonight. Very late and tired. Doing my best to answer something for all these.

Lessons from resources? Listened/read any today? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)
Addiction

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc.
Listen to my books and charge my phone away from the bed
 
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