Reclamation
Member
Break through the fog/Break the spell (at least finish it with basic answers) (The more I accept reality, the more I'm actually dealing with and addressing it!): Am I willing to be radically self-honest, not just say the "right" thing to impress imaginary others but keep myself accountable? Am I willing to question and challenge myself on things I may want to believe that aren't true? What am I justifying too much or wanting things to be true for my own benefit? What are some blind-spots I can think of? In what ways am I feeding a victim-hood still? (go deep) How am I deceiving myself or in denial about? What areas am I getting too complacent in or feeling too safe about? Am I ignoring any external guidance?
Yeah. I told a girl about my desires and actions. She mirrored why my ideas were bad. I saw myself today too and I know for a fact that I'm letting the reward of sex and orgasm drive me to the point nothing else gives me dopamine or motivation. I spent the whole day in an ADHD paralysis haze.
Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that?
I acted out all my same patterns except for just straight porn videos. I did avoid a major setback just before this post though and I'm proud of it. I just thought about how horrible I've been feeling all day and how much of my life has been stolen away. I also let coincidences snap me out of it. And I just let the pain take over. I wasted money on the apps today.
What's my biggest reason(s) for rebooting right now? (Selfish ones are fine) What's more important than porn, sex and masturbation?
This has been with you a long time, are you truly willing to let go? Are you willing to make sacrifices to get there? By the end of the night even? Do you accept it's gonna need to be lifelong? Are you willing to take a higher perspective, aim for more depth and transcend this? Is anything holding you back, are you able to push through it?
The same as above and the other days. Executive function back! Yes. NO MORE DATING APPS, SEXUAL COMMUNITIES or ESCORT SITES EVER AGAIN!
What am I truly seeking and intending deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term?
Feeling like my life up until now hasn't been wasted. I can do that by finding purpose, re-framing the past, using it to learn and grow, being grateful.
How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it?
I did meditate but the rest of the day was a haze. It was all I could really manage in this area today.
How are my connections in life? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam?
Socializing with phone connections yes.
What do I still need to practice being (gently) more accepting of?
My past. My present. (In relationship to regret, anger, frustration, wasted feeling)
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? What feelings am I avoiding or stuffing down? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about?
What do I need compassion for from myself? What ways do I beat myself up? Do I feel selfish for putting myself 1st and am I doing it? How self-accepting have I been? What do I need to forgive myself and others for so I can own and take responsibility? Can I be more present and accept the past is the past? Can I let the remaining pain and stolen years drive me forward with recovery instead of drag me back into addiction? Can I re-frame it?
Pain of my past, the wasted years. Feeling like there's no point starting what I wanted to be doing now. Avoiding cooking. Avoiding working out. Feeling absolutely paralyzed. Spent the whole day obsessing over how I could obtain some sex.
How's my sleep?
Pretty good! The phone rules are saving me in this area. I could be getting more rested sleep if I got off tech earlier at night.
Hows my nutrition and hydration? How's the cooking going?
Cooking is being avoided. Ate fast food and broke all my rules. Hydration is average.
Hows my exercise and movement habits? Ergonomics? Mobility? What can I work on?
Need to get back into a basic routine. Especially so I can meditate pain free.
How am I managing my devices?
Wiping apps and accounts daily as often as possible
Am I distracted? What's distracting me? What am I putting off? Am I finding it easy to prioritize including habits and tasks?
Sex is distracting me. I have been now prioritizing getting on ADHD meds but even this is hard.
Anything else on my mind?
Today I did shit all. The year has gone so quick and I'm distressed how little progress I've made. It's like I wait for it too. It's like I expect all my ideas and plans will eventually inspire me into action but now I've come to accept I'm not wired that way. I need to forgive myself though. I got exposed involuntarily, I was a sensitive child with no dad, I have a serious addiction as serious as any drug problem, I had BPD style symptoms, hurtful toxic relationships, no models, no reassurance, was neglected, chronically invalidated, rejected a lot. Had bad posture and body issues. I've done well considering everything. I also had a pelvic floor issue my whole life meaning I could never feel anything when I had sex. I also grew up with hypochondria and migraines. As well as panic attacks and general anxiety. Doctors continuously let me down and led me in the wrong directions and I wasted so much money on wasted specialists. I pushed all my friends away because I lacked a clear identity. No I have no one. I spent years of my life unemployed too. Directionless, addicted and with an ADHD brain that didn't motivate me at all. I had my Buddhist teachers and group turn sour. I had multiple girls hurt me in many ways. I need to forgive myself for FINDING IT HARD!
What's going well (in general)?
Me being self-aware about my problems is still a good thing. I could still be in the dark. Just because I struggle to take action doesn't make it all meaningless and pointless. Just means I need to accelerate my progress asap.
What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
That I've got time and it's never too late.
What am I grateful for today? Name a win or wins...
Backing out of a major relapse. Feeling good on my meds. Might as well enjoy good feelings while you have them. Quiet time in the library today and not feeling the need to be anywhere in a hurry. Enjoying my weekend.
How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? (Go meditate if you haven't or meditate again) Could you do a nightly reset now (wipe apps and accounts off phone, laptop etc.)?
Snapchat is the last remaining app I need to get rid of. I deleted all my other accounts.
Lessons from resources? Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...
I need to stay inspired and have a clear life philosophy. I need to heal my living. Live simpler again.
Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions?
Fix my ADHD, habits and executive function asap. Quit all artifical seeking of sex, partners and orgasm. Only chat on apps that are text based. No snap. Re-frame my past, get therapy. Keep meditating and exploring my purpose. Make real life connections. Live in the present. Work out. Cook. Be kind to yourself. Don't complicate. Live simple. Sleep with a routine and phone rules. Focus on nutrition. Posture routine and help. Keep deleting accounts. Stop fixating on sex. Forgive my past. I've got time and it's never too late. Let others inspire you.
New question/reminder for next time: Review your first post. How are you going?
Yeah. I told a girl about my desires and actions. She mirrored why my ideas were bad. I saw myself today too and I know for a fact that I'm letting the reward of sex and orgasm drive me to the point nothing else gives me dopamine or motivation. I spent the whole day in an ADHD paralysis haze.
Did I seek or act-out in any way or engage in any unhelpful patterns of any kind? How could I prevent repeats? Did I avoid any setbacks and how did I manage that?
I acted out all my same patterns except for just straight porn videos. I did avoid a major setback just before this post though and I'm proud of it. I just thought about how horrible I've been feeling all day and how much of my life has been stolen away. I also let coincidences snap me out of it. And I just let the pain take over. I wasted money on the apps today.
What's my biggest reason(s) for rebooting right now? (Selfish ones are fine) What's more important than porn, sex and masturbation?
This has been with you a long time, are you truly willing to let go? Are you willing to make sacrifices to get there? By the end of the night even? Do you accept it's gonna need to be lifelong? Are you willing to take a higher perspective, aim for more depth and transcend this? Is anything holding you back, are you able to push through it?
The same as above and the other days. Executive function back! Yes. NO MORE DATING APPS, SEXUAL COMMUNITIES or ESCORT SITES EVER AGAIN!
What am I truly seeking and intending deep, deep down? How can I achieve that long term?
Feeling like my life up until now hasn't been wasted. I can do that by finding purpose, re-framing the past, using it to learn and grow, being grateful.
How strong is my sense of purpose and my progress in finding it? How connected do I feel to life? Did I meditate? How is my mindfulness, presence, equanimity? How integrated is it?
I did meditate but the rest of the day was a haze. It was all I could really manage in this area today.
How are my connections in life? How's socializing at work and home going? Are you staying in touch with friends and fam?
Socializing with phone connections yes.
What do I still need to practice being (gently) more accepting of?
My past. My present. (In relationship to regret, anger, frustration, wasted feeling)
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? What feelings am I avoiding or stuffing down? Am I allowing discomfort and pain? Can I let myself just be sad? How am I coping with my natural sensitivity? What could I be doing better? What am I pretending to be okay about?
What do I need compassion for from myself? What ways do I beat myself up? Do I feel selfish for putting myself 1st and am I doing it? How self-accepting have I been? What do I need to forgive myself and others for so I can own and take responsibility? Can I be more present and accept the past is the past? Can I let the remaining pain and stolen years drive me forward with recovery instead of drag me back into addiction? Can I re-frame it?
Pain of my past, the wasted years. Feeling like there's no point starting what I wanted to be doing now. Avoiding cooking. Avoiding working out. Feeling absolutely paralyzed. Spent the whole day obsessing over how I could obtain some sex.
How's my sleep?
Pretty good! The phone rules are saving me in this area. I could be getting more rested sleep if I got off tech earlier at night.
Hows my nutrition and hydration? How's the cooking going?
Cooking is being avoided. Ate fast food and broke all my rules. Hydration is average.
Hows my exercise and movement habits? Ergonomics? Mobility? What can I work on?
Need to get back into a basic routine. Especially so I can meditate pain free.
How am I managing my devices?
Wiping apps and accounts daily as often as possible
Am I distracted? What's distracting me? What am I putting off? Am I finding it easy to prioritize including habits and tasks?
Sex is distracting me. I have been now prioritizing getting on ADHD meds but even this is hard.
Anything else on my mind?
Today I did shit all. The year has gone so quick and I'm distressed how little progress I've made. It's like I wait for it too. It's like I expect all my ideas and plans will eventually inspire me into action but now I've come to accept I'm not wired that way. I need to forgive myself though. I got exposed involuntarily, I was a sensitive child with no dad, I have a serious addiction as serious as any drug problem, I had BPD style symptoms, hurtful toxic relationships, no models, no reassurance, was neglected, chronically invalidated, rejected a lot. Had bad posture and body issues. I've done well considering everything. I also had a pelvic floor issue my whole life meaning I could never feel anything when I had sex. I also grew up with hypochondria and migraines. As well as panic attacks and general anxiety. Doctors continuously let me down and led me in the wrong directions and I wasted so much money on wasted specialists. I pushed all my friends away because I lacked a clear identity. No I have no one. I spent years of my life unemployed too. Directionless, addicted and with an ADHD brain that didn't motivate me at all. I had my Buddhist teachers and group turn sour. I had multiple girls hurt me in many ways. I need to forgive myself for FINDING IT HARD!
What's going well (in general)?
Me being self-aware about my problems is still a good thing. I could still be in the dark. Just because I struggle to take action doesn't make it all meaningless and pointless. Just means I need to accelerate my progress asap.
What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better?
That I've got time and it's never too late.
What am I grateful for today? Name a win or wins...
Backing out of a major relapse. Feeling good on my meds. Might as well enjoy good feelings while you have them. Quiet time in the library today and not feeling the need to be anywhere in a hurry. Enjoying my weekend.
How am I going to avoid relapsing after this post? (Go meditate if you haven't or meditate again) Could you do a nightly reset now (wipe apps and accounts off phone, laptop etc.)?
Snapchat is the last remaining app I need to get rid of. I deleted all my other accounts.
Lessons from resources? Regurgitate everything you currently know off the top of your head...
I need to stay inspired and have a clear life philosophy. I need to heal my living. Live simpler again.
Lessons and actions going ahead? Can I take any right now and after this post? (Review what you wrote) Immediate actions?
Fix my ADHD, habits and executive function asap. Quit all artifical seeking of sex, partners and orgasm. Only chat on apps that are text based. No snap. Re-frame my past, get therapy. Keep meditating and exploring my purpose. Make real life connections. Live in the present. Work out. Cook. Be kind to yourself. Don't complicate. Live simple. Sleep with a routine and phone rules. Focus on nutrition. Posture routine and help. Keep deleting accounts. Stop fixating on sex. Forgive my past. I've got time and it's never too late. Let others inspire you.
New question/reminder for next time: Review your first post. How are you going?