Reclamation
Member
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the ONLY way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots?
I need to let go of my toxic, entitled, narcissistic ex once and for all, entirely. I thought I loved her still above all else but in reality I had a toxic traumatic bond from emotional scars and the regrets of how my brain caused me to act in relationship. I hate her and I'm not ashamed to say that. I need to move on. I've been letting myself slip in my vigilance
Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Have I been slipping round the edges of the behavior in terms of vigilance and creeping towards ways of getting sneaky dopamine? Have I been going all in with programs I'm doing?
I want to recommit every 10 days. And no. I've been slipping. How? Well I've been fishing in books, using my phone in bed, thinking bad thoughts (porn recall), snooping ex partners online and edging to fantasy and having to stop. Masturbation has been giving me chasers. I also still linger on sexual content. It's the 10 day mark now so I need to do a re-evaluation of what's working well and what's not.
Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?
Listening to books a little but it's very overwhelming honestly.
Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate?
Yeah but I've been slipping in this area somewhat. Haven't been meditating.
The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
Setbacks have been mentioned above. They tell me that I still need to get better at managing side behaviors and further delaying things
Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should?
Today I let my pain show and my awkwardness. I just let myself be me. And I'm definitely getting an increase in desire to use.
What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
One where I was toxic and out of control. Where I was a hollow shell of myself and mistreated others. One where I objectified and obsessed over women. One where I placed an over-importance on sex.
Beyond wholeness/oneness/fulfillment, appreciating beauty, dopamine baseline, connection/belonging, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? Can I think of any other needs/states I’m truly trying to reach? How can I achieve that long-term in healthier ways? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
I want to appreciate beauty, I want to feel regulated and safe inside. I want to be high on brain chemistry. I want a high. So I need to find natural long term pleasures.
Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food? What could you do different tomorrow?
Didn't pracitse today no. Ate averagely. Still hooked on all the bad habits. Nothing's changed in this arena.
Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
I'm getting better at socialising through my anxiety but I still always go away with the sense nobody in the real really knows or gets me.
Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still though?
Deep down, I feel very vulnerable and insecure still. It's gonna be a long time before I feel comfortable in my skin but recovery is a major part of all that.
Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
No but shit I need to do this next. For my spiritual, trauma healing, age issue prevention, longevity, brain function, pain prevention, better breathing, posture and pelvic function...
Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
I need to stick to a "no-matter what" set of rules and routines. Non-negotiable.
Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways?
I allowed my emotions today. But as the day progressed I beat myself up over my social mutism. I need to be kind to myself.
Did I do a lot of walking as a form of avoidance today? Or did I maintain limits?
It was okay.
You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
Not fully. I need to get back on track. I don't need to be discouraged by that fact either.
What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
I reached out to some local bands to see if any needed members. I'm gonna keep on trying.
You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
Fortify and Habitica are helping me. I have non-punishing systems in place to put streaks on reading recovery material. I try read a bit of each a day. It's a lot but I see it as reading one big interconnected newsfeed of recovery content which isn't much different to how most people consume stuff now.
People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Proud of anything today?
I'm so certain of recovery and how much I want it now. I'm too old to go back to the old ways now.
Further reflections?
I'm usually tired by the time I get to these questions but they ground me now and it feels wrong not to fill this all in. At a minimum they really do have the powerful fact of being sneaky reminders in disguise of questions, but with the added bonus of a bit of reflection on my part.
Lessons from resources? Listened/read any today? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)
Yeah. The addict brain is physically so different and if I could get a scan, I would develop brain envy of healthy control brains. I trust that if I could afford to see my own, this is what I'd see and feel.
How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc. No phone in bed!
I'm worn out and I think I am doing better and better at only using my bed for sleep.
I need to let go of my toxic, entitled, narcissistic ex once and for all, entirely. I thought I loved her still above all else but in reality I had a toxic traumatic bond from emotional scars and the regrets of how my brain caused me to act in relationship. I hate her and I'm not ashamed to say that. I need to move on. I've been letting myself slip in my vigilance
Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Have I been slipping round the edges of the behavior in terms of vigilance and creeping towards ways of getting sneaky dopamine? Have I been going all in with programs I'm doing?
I want to recommit every 10 days. And no. I've been slipping. How? Well I've been fishing in books, using my phone in bed, thinking bad thoughts (porn recall), snooping ex partners online and edging to fantasy and having to stop. Masturbation has been giving me chasers. I also still linger on sexual content. It's the 10 day mark now so I need to do a re-evaluation of what's working well and what's not.
Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?
Listening to books a little but it's very overwhelming honestly.
Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate?
Yeah but I've been slipping in this area somewhat. Haven't been meditating.
The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
Setbacks have been mentioned above. They tell me that I still need to get better at managing side behaviors and further delaying things
Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should?
Today I let my pain show and my awkwardness. I just let myself be me. And I'm definitely getting an increase in desire to use.
What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
One where I was toxic and out of control. Where I was a hollow shell of myself and mistreated others. One where I objectified and obsessed over women. One where I placed an over-importance on sex.
Beyond wholeness/oneness/fulfillment, appreciating beauty, dopamine baseline, connection/belonging, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? Can I think of any other needs/states I’m truly trying to reach? How can I achieve that long-term in healthier ways? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
I want to appreciate beauty, I want to feel regulated and safe inside. I want to be high on brain chemistry. I want a high. So I need to find natural long term pleasures.
Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food? What could you do different tomorrow?
Didn't pracitse today no. Ate averagely. Still hooked on all the bad habits. Nothing's changed in this arena.
Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
I'm getting better at socialising through my anxiety but I still always go away with the sense nobody in the real really knows or gets me.
Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still though?
Deep down, I feel very vulnerable and insecure still. It's gonna be a long time before I feel comfortable in my skin but recovery is a major part of all that.
Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
No but shit I need to do this next. For my spiritual, trauma healing, age issue prevention, longevity, brain function, pain prevention, better breathing, posture and pelvic function...
Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
I need to stick to a "no-matter what" set of rules and routines. Non-negotiable.
Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways?
I allowed my emotions today. But as the day progressed I beat myself up over my social mutism. I need to be kind to myself.
Did I do a lot of walking as a form of avoidance today? Or did I maintain limits?
It was okay.
You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
Not fully. I need to get back on track. I don't need to be discouraged by that fact either.
What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
I reached out to some local bands to see if any needed members. I'm gonna keep on trying.
You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
Fortify and Habitica are helping me. I have non-punishing systems in place to put streaks on reading recovery material. I try read a bit of each a day. It's a lot but I see it as reading one big interconnected newsfeed of recovery content which isn't much different to how most people consume stuff now.
People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Proud of anything today?
I'm so certain of recovery and how much I want it now. I'm too old to go back to the old ways now.
Further reflections?
I'm usually tired by the time I get to these questions but they ground me now and it feels wrong not to fill this all in. At a minimum they really do have the powerful fact of being sneaky reminders in disguise of questions, but with the added bonus of a bit of reflection on my part.
Lessons from resources? Listened/read any today? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)
Yeah. The addict brain is physically so different and if I could get a scan, I would develop brain envy of healthy control brains. I trust that if I could afford to see my own, this is what I'd see and feel.
How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc. No phone in bed!
I'm worn out and I think I am doing better and better at only using my bed for sleep.