Reclamation

Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the ONLY way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots?
I need to let go of my toxic, entitled, narcissistic ex once and for all, entirely. I thought I loved her still above all else but in reality I had a toxic traumatic bond from emotional scars and the regrets of how my brain caused me to act in relationship. I hate her and I'm not ashamed to say that. I need to move on. I've been letting myself slip in my vigilance

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Have I been slipping round the edges of the behavior in terms of vigilance and creeping towards ways of getting sneaky dopamine? Have I been going all in with programs I'm doing?
I want to recommit every 10 days. And no. I've been slipping. How? Well I've been fishing in books, using my phone in bed, thinking bad thoughts (porn recall), snooping ex partners online and edging to fantasy and having to stop. Masturbation has been giving me chasers. I also still linger on sexual content. It's the 10 day mark now so I need to do a re-evaluation of what's working well and what's not.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?

Listening to books a little but it's very overwhelming honestly.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate?
Yeah but I've been slipping in this area somewhat. Haven't been meditating.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
Setbacks have been mentioned above. They tell me that I still need to get better at managing side behaviors and further delaying things

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should?
Today I let my pain show and my awkwardness. I just let myself be me. And I'm definitely getting an increase in desire to use.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
One where I was toxic and out of control. Where I was a hollow shell of myself and mistreated others. One where I objectified and obsessed over women. One where I placed an over-importance on sex.

Beyond wholeness/oneness/fulfillment, appreciating beauty, dopamine baseline, connection/belonging, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? Can I think of any other needs/states I’m truly trying to reach? How can I achieve that long-term in healthier ways? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
I want to appreciate beauty, I want to feel regulated and safe inside. I want to be high on brain chemistry. I want a high. So I need to find natural long term pleasures.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food? What could you do different tomorrow?
Didn't pracitse today no. Ate averagely. Still hooked on all the bad habits. Nothing's changed in this arena.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
I'm getting better at socialising through my anxiety but I still always go away with the sense nobody in the real really knows or gets me.

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still though?
Deep down, I feel very vulnerable and insecure still. It's gonna be a long time before I feel comfortable in my skin but recovery is a major part of all that.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
No but shit I need to do this next. For my spiritual, trauma healing, age issue prevention, longevity, brain function, pain prevention, better breathing, posture and pelvic function...

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
I need to stick to a "no-matter what" set of rules and routines. Non-negotiable.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways?
I allowed my emotions today. But as the day progressed I beat myself up over my social mutism. I need to be kind to myself.

Did I do a lot of walking as a form of avoidance today? Or did I maintain limits?
It was okay.

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
Not fully. I need to get back on track. I don't need to be discouraged by that fact either.

What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
I reached out to some local bands to see if any needed members. I'm gonna keep on trying.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
Fortify and Habitica are helping me. I have non-punishing systems in place to put streaks on reading recovery material. I try read a bit of each a day. It's a lot but I see it as reading one big interconnected newsfeed of recovery content which isn't much different to how most people consume stuff now.

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Proud of anything today?
I'm so certain of recovery and how much I want it now. I'm too old to go back to the old ways now.

Further reflections?
I'm usually tired by the time I get to these questions but they ground me now and it feels wrong not to fill this all in. At a minimum they really do have the powerful fact of being sneaky reminders in disguise of questions, but with the added bonus of a bit of reflection on my part.

Lessons from resources? Listened/read any today? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above? What intentions, truths and/or perspectives held daily, could completely change my life for the better? (Paste Fortify stuff)
Yeah. The addict brain is physically so different and if I could get a scan, I would develop brain envy of healthy control brains. I trust that if I could afford to see my own, this is what I'd see and feel.

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc. No phone in bed!
I'm worn out and I think I am doing better and better at only using my bed for sleep.
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the ONLY way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots? Am I willing to be radically self-honest/accountable (as opposed to self-deceptive or trying to appear a certain way for approval) as well as vulnerable with (the right) others? Answering at least 1 sentence per prompt? Facing reality through the spell/fog so it's truly dealt with? Holding all beliefs and ideals up to that light, scrutinizing them, identifying any blind-spots or ignored external guidance? Are you fooling yourself about anything? What exact behaviors are you addressing?
My anxious attachment is being an issue at the moment. I'm also delaying what should be immediate or urgent preventative actions. I also need to stop seeking in books and graphic novels.

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Have I been slipping round the edges of the behavior in terms of vigilance and creeping towards ways of getting sneaky dopamine? Have I been going all in with programs I'm doing? Any urgent/immediate preventative behaviors you need to do right now?
I have not been going all in with the program no. I've been brushing over it.

I went right now and blocked all my workaround methods.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?

Yes. The book McMindfulness has been deeply shifting my perspective though. Although inner stuff needs work, I also need to remember the capitalist framework I'm in, the industries targeting brain vulnerabilities and external factors that lead to the inner stuff being the issue in the first place

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate?
Didn't meditate. Been slipping on exploring purpose. Been distracted with girl brain

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?
No setbacks. The victories today are just me being motivated to get back on track with this all

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should? Past holding me back?
I do have anxiety from my latest relapse yes. Definitely dopamine related too. Past is definitely holding me back and dysregulating me, in this case, my ex.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
One where I'm anxious, less attractive, less able to act on my desires. In recovery I'm confident, socially a lot better, and the opposite of all that.

Beyond wholeness/oneness/fulfillment, appreciating beauty, dopamine baseline, connection/belonging, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? Can I think of any other needs/states I’m truly trying to reach? How can I achieve that long-term in healthier ways? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
No. Just wanting to feel normal and like I fit in.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food visits? What could you do different tomorrow?
I did cook tonight. Been ordering pre organized meal making kits. I didn't hydrate very well. Had a morning coffee. Tomorrow I could make a conscious effort not to consume coffee

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
Yeah forcing myself. Really focused on this one particular person right now though and it could be a problem

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still though?
Yeah it's really about time I do seriously move on. I do have a lot of limitations but I blame myself for them less and less nowadays. Shame is relational and I'm realizing how much of life is only our responsibility and not our fault.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
No but I really want to get onto this.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
I haven't been focused on these last two enough.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways? Is there external influence that you can accept as not your fault?
My whole perspective is changing so much that I might need to reevaluate this whole question.

Did I do a lot of walking as a form of avoidance today? Or did I maintain limits?
Was too bust at work.

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
It's just a part of life. One that happens to become addictive if you have supernormal forms of it. It's industry driven and corrupt. It's the junk food of digital media and there's no nutritional value. I am pursuing a girl I'm interested in as a person. She's beautiful but I also love her mind

What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
There were attempts to join bands. I'm accepting more and more that I'm not that social and it's okay. I still need friends. Also, many hobbies I want to start will cost money so I need to think long and hard

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
I'm just generally slipping in my attention to the reboot. I just don't have that initial burst of enthusiasm anymore. I need to help others in that case

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Proud of anything today?
Despite messing it up, I was brave enough to ask her to the movies. She said one day she'd be keen though

Further reflections?
I really need to work on my anxious attachment. But in reality I need to focus on recovery because that's the true issue here.

Lessons from resources? Listened/read any today? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above?
Mainly that shame is relational. It's caused by upbrining and dysregulating others. It's at the root of most issues.

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc. No phone in bed!
I'm tired enough to just go to sleep after all this...
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the ONLY way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots? Am I willing to be radically self-honest/accountable (as opposed to self-deceptive or trying to appear a certain way for approval) as well as vulnerable with (the right) others? Answering at least 1 sentence per prompt? Facing reality through the spell/fog so it's truly dealt with? Holding all beliefs and ideals up to that light, scrutinizing them, identifying any blind-spots or ignored external guidance? Are you fooling yourself about anything? What exact behaviors are you addressing?
I've got extremely high standards for myself but it's all relevant stuff. I need to sort specific root things and there's so many of them for me, I never know where to start and where to go all in. It's always a blur.
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the ONLY way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots? Am I willing to be radically self-honest/accountable (as opposed to self-deceptive or trying to appear a certain way for approval) as well as vulnerable with (the right) others? Answering at least 1 sentence per prompt? Facing reality through the spell/fog so it's truly dealt with? Holding all beliefs and ideals up to that light, scrutinizing them, identifying any blind-spots or ignored external guidance? Are you fooling yourself about anything? What exact behaviors are you addressing?
At work I'm so much of a pleaser and so inhibited that nobody knows me and I feel invisible and stressed a majority of the time. The idea they've now developed of me is highly inaccurate. And it does bug me a lot. The past few days I'd been relapsing like crazy with hard binging. I've been considering sex workers again and had relapses with dating apps the past few days.

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Have I been slipping round the edges of the behavior in terms of vigilance and creeping towards ways of getting sneaky dopamine? Have I been going all in with programs I'm doing? Any urgent/immediate preventative behaviors you need to do right now?
I need to block my ways of working around my filters more thoroughly when I'm not triggered. I DO need to bring my focus back on to recovery again too, yes.

Connections to your emotional life?
Thinking about my ex and my anxious attachment have both been relapse triggers lately.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?
I've been off track somewhat. I'm back on it now.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate? Am I prioritizing this even when I'm not in the mood?
That last part is the important part. And the answer is no.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?

I had victory today. I think it has taught me the hangover effect of relapse and how bad I feel for days after them.

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should? Past holding me back?
I now know that mindfulness without ethics and compassion is not useful. I need to explore Buddhist style teachings very seriously again.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
With relapse I'm a mess. I'm a social mess that people misunderstand and misinterpret. I'm full of shame. In recovery I feel natural rewards so well and life goes so smoothly.

Beyond wholeness/oneness/fulfillment, appreciating beauty, dopamine baseline, connection/belonging, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? Can I think of any other needs/states I’m truly trying to reach? How can I achieve that long-term in healthier ways? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
I'm wanting that feeling that everything in life is fine right now as it is and I don't need to worry. So more serotonin basically.

Did you practice cooking or at least eat well and stay hydrated? Replaced caffeine? Sweeteners? Fast food visits? What could you do different tomorrow?
I ate out with my sister. But other than that I ate total shit and had fast food. I've restarted my habit tracking following some better scientific guidance this time.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
Yeah despite feeling gross I've really been forcing my socializing. But no, no online stuff really.

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still though?
Getting better on this front. Slowly.

Have you been physically active and working on your posture? Mobility? Trauma release? Body scans? What's the plan?
No but I've been also moving towards this more again.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
I really, really need a rule that's more consistent and set.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways? Is there external influence that you can accept as not your fault?
I do acknowledge what wasn't my fault a lot more now.

Did I do a lot of walking or food as a form of avoidance today? Or did I maintain limits?
I do walk a lot still. Sugar has been bad lately.

You need to outgrown porn and have a higher, mature perspective on sexuality. What are your current views around porn and sexuality? Have you been responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
Same as last little while. Sex is fine. It's just whatever to me. I feel pangs of missing out but that's about it. Porn I accept that it exists but in the forms it's now in, not so much.

What are my current hobbies? Have I been engaging in them as much as I want? What are some hobbies you’re still meaning to get into Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Did I try anything new? Any new experiences or places? Spent time learning something new (ideas, skills, practices)?
Zero motivation lately.

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
I need to remember that the times where I feel okay are just me at higher levels but that there are still multiple levels to go and layers of reinforcement to establish.

People laughed at you about not seeming optimistic. What are you grateful for today? What's generally going well? Any small/big wins? Proud of anything today?
I was more accepting of my appearance today.

Lessons from resources? Listened/read any today? Regurgitate anything off the top of my head. Lessons and (ideally immediate) actions going ahead? after reviewing the above?
Caffeine restricts bloodflow to the addicted parts of the brain making things worse.

How am I avoiding setbacks after this post? More meditation or delete all the sites, apps again etc. No phone in bed!
I'll be going to sleep.
 
Profoundly-deep, radical honesty with self and safe others is vital and the ONLY way to address reality. Healthy vulnerability is essential. What areas of my life am I not being self-honest in? Am I willing to here? Did I act against my true character, morality or values today? For example work gossip? Any blind-spots? Am I willing to be radically self-honest/accountable (as opposed to self-deceptive or trying to appear a certain way for approval) as well as vulnerable with (the right) others? Answering at least 1 sentence per prompt? Facing reality through the spell/fog so it's truly dealt with? Holding all beliefs and ideals up to that light, scrutinizing them, identifying any blind-spots or ignored external guidance? Are you fooling yourself about anything? What exact behaviors are you addressing?
Okay so I'm not as over my ex as I thought but at the same time I one hundred percent am. I just really need to cut off the last bit of the roots. I'm being more emotionally honest at work and that's working out for me okay. I need to quit dating apps, sexual seeking, porn, seeking in books when I see them.

Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Have I been slipping round the edges of the behavior in terms of vigilance and creeping towards ways of getting sneaky dopamine? Have I been going all in with programs I'm doing? Any urgent/immediate preventative behaviors you need to do right now?

Just went and did some more blocking. Gonna restart the Fortify program module I was doing and go deeper on it this time.

Connections to your emotional life?

Same as yesterday.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first? For example, feelings about being behind in life and stuck?

Sort of. But not in the taking action sense.

Do I have a sense of meaning, purpose and direction? Do I feel like I'm making any progress in this area? Did I meditate? Am I prioritizing this even when I'm not in the mood?

I've slipped off track with this.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up. Did I have any victories or setbacks? What can they teach me?

I just need to keep using failure as feedback and keep stubbornly going. Focusing on my monthly success not day count.
 
Being on track is an urgent, top-priority but the process requires patience. There can't be any half-measures or nothing will change. Am I taking this seriously enough? Am I committed 100%? Do I remember I’ll die and that life/time is short/finite? Am I willing to make sacrifices to get to recovery? I'm sacrificing so much life already anyway... Do I remember that awareness alone isn't enough? Have I been slipping round the edges of the behavior in terms of vigilance and creeping towards ways of getting sneaky dopamine? Have I been going all in with programs I'm doing? Any urgent/immediate preventative behaviors you need to do right now?
I think I'm taking this the most serious I have in my life but there's always more I could be doing.

Withdrawal, craving, low sociability, akathasia, flat-line and insomnia are unbearable but positive progress indicators. They are caused by the use itself. Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should? Past holding me back?
Just internal restlessness for me mainly.

What life are you going back to when you/your brain decide to act out? What life are you going towards through recovery?
I go back to nervousness and being perpetually misunderstood. In recovery I am seen as I want to be.

Beyond wholeness/oneness/fulfillment, appreciating beauty, dopamine baseline, connection/belonging, well-being and secure survival, what am I truly seeking, needing or avoiding that I could also add here? Can I think of any other needs/states I’m truly trying to reach? How can I achieve that long-term in healthier ways? What positive but misdirected qualities are driving some of my behavior?
Peace.

Have you been prioritizing real human connection? Especially important and meaningful ones? Staying inspired is essential. Reading success stories for example? Have I been engaged much with this community, Fortify or any real life ones? Consumed uplifting media? Nobody can do this without hope, guidance, inspiration and supportive community. Have you been engaging with these? Do you have support?
Somewhat, although I'm currently focused on me again out of necessity.

Can I move forward, accepting the past is the past, forgiving myself and others and returning to the present? Do I seek reassurance a lot still? Do I stand up for myself and others well? Do I acknowledge my limitations to myself or others? What are my current levels of shame, assertiveness/self-protection, self-compassion, self-patience and overall acceptance? Am I still trying to please others and meet high self/other standards? Do I accept some level of status will always be important still though?
Yeah I'm moving forward a lot better.

Sleep deprivation is irreversible but also a part of withdrawal. Are you maintaining a good, consistent circadian rest/wake-up routine? Have you been using your phone on your bed? Do you remember how it makes you feel tomorrow? What needs to change?
I need to have a better routine.

Humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Have I found mindfulness and equanimity and allowed suffering instead? There is a full spectrum of emotions to be felt. The HPA stress response is heightened by this addiction. You have a lot of emotion and trauma trapped in you. Did you manage stress in healthy ways? Is there external influence that you can accept as not your fault?
I did make a slight effort to be more emotionally in tune with myself today

You will become complacent as you experience success, how will you counter this over the years and lifetime? What areas am I getting too complacent in/feeling too safe about now? Have you accepted this is for life now? Do you get tempted to move on from this? You may feel like you're successful and want to jump to another thing, how will you come back? You will also think you're not at risk, how will you remind yourself?
Just keeping it at the top of my mind and seeing how it transforms my life when I focus on it.



I am only seeking natural, mature, real-life, healthy and responsible expressions of my sexuality. Why?
Because I want my brain function back.

Higher perspectives on sexuality (outgrowing porn) - Are you responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
It's a bonus part of life. It's natural. It's not meant to be on our mind 24/7.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first?
Yes. Exploring positive disintegration theory. Childhood emotional neglect. Chronic shame books.

In all areas, am I being profoundly self-honest and addressing true reality? Any blind-spots? Healthy vulnerability with safe others?

Yes.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up - Victories? Setbacks? Lessons? Emotional/life-concern links?

Today was a victory day. Mainly because I don't' want the social anxiety that comes with relapse anymore.

Did I act in line with my desired true character/morality/values today?

Not really but I was mostly true to myself.

Meaning/development/purpose? Progress? Meditation? Prioritizing it even when not in the mood? Trauma release? Body scans?

No meditation but a big part of me wants to be doing it.

Current hobby initiation and engagement? Tried anything new? Experiences/Places/Learning something/Skills?

Not yet.

Cooking practice or at least eating well? Hydration? Caffeine? Sugar? Sweeteners? Fast-food?
Not tonight. Felt real lazy. All my bad habits are still in place.

Physical activity? Posture? Mobility?
Only walking. I also have an exercise ball now.

Grateful for? Proud of? Big/small wins? What's generally going well? What normally works the most?
My new friend/love interest is changing my whole world view in the best way ever.

Lessons from life, resources and reviewing this post? Immediate actions?

The theory of positive disintegration. Learning about neuro-divergence and being able to self-advocate by knowledge.

How will I avoid setbacks after this? (More meditation? Charge phone other side of room? Set more blocks or delete any apps/accounts?)

Will go brush my teeth and maybe meditate.
 
AWARENESS ALONE ISN'T ENOUGH, ACTION! URGENCY/PATIENCE (ON TRACK/PROCESS)? TOP PRIORITY, 1/2 MEASURES = NO CHANGE, 100% COMMITMENT? TAKING IT SERIOUS ENOUGH? MORTALITY/FINITUDE/LIFE'S SHORTNESS AND QUALITY, WILLINGNESS TO SACRIFICE (DOING SO ANYWAY), SNEAKY DOPAMINE FISHING? WHY/WHY NOT?
While I have been taking actions, as always I'm not so great at filtering out the priorities but we will get there. I definitely have lost my urgency. Why? Overwhelm I think. I do take it seriously but maybe I'm letting myself slide in this area again too.

URGENT/IMMEDIATE PREVENTATIVE ACTIONS/BEHAVIORS?
Did a tiny bit right now.

FORTIFY PROGRESS? OTHER PROGRAMS?
Gotten off track.

USE-INDUCED WITHDRAWALS & CRAVINGS (SOCIAL ISSUES, AKATHASIA, FLATLINE, HIGH-DRIVE, INSOMNIA)(POSITIVE INDICATORS) Do you have any. Any clear systems in place? Am I experiencing or managing them well, or staying busy enough? Do I have the courage to just feel the pain I feel. To feel the things I really do feel deep down? Not what I think I should? Past holding me back?
Gave in today.

COMPLACENCY PREVENTION FOR LIFE & CURRENT AREAS (SUCCESS, FALSE SECURITY, LOSING MAIN FOCUS, REMEMBERING RISK PRESENCE)(AGAIN: LIFE IS SO SHORT & IT'S QUALITY IS BEING IMPACTED)
To stop getting complacent from now on and forever? I have to accept recovery and healing as part of me now. It will integrate but I need to accept the impact on my life this has had and the imprint that will last for life. I need to admit to myself and accept that what has been here for decades can't just be forgotten ever again...

LIFE RETURNED TO IF ACTING OUT - LIFE MOVED TOWARDS?
One where my shell is still up and people don't truly see me in my fullest potential

WHAT AM I TRULY SEEKING/NEEDING/AVOIDING BEYOND: WHOLE/ONENESS/FULFILLMENT, BEAUTY, REGULATION, CONNECTION, BELONGING, WELLBEING, SECURE SURVIVAL? STATES I'M TRYING TO REACH? HOW CAN I LONG TERM?
I need to keep following my purpose and being less inhibited

PRIORITIZING REAL, MEANINGFUL HUMAN CONNECTION? INSPIRATION, HOPE & GUIDANCE = ESSENTIAL. COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT? SUPPORT?
I see it's importance more now. But no, not engaging with enough.

PAST, SHAME & TRAUMA: ACCEPTANCE, FORGIVENESS, RETURNING TO THE PRESENT. REASSURANCE SEEKING? ASSERTIVENESS/BOUNDARIES? LIMITATION ACCEPTANCE? SELF-COMPASSION, PATIENCE AND ACCEPTANCE LEVELS? PLEASING & STANDARDS? EXTERNAL CAUSES NOT YOUR FAULT. PROGRESS ON RADICALLY RELEASING INHIBITIONS?

This is a big topic. I've slowly been working through the running on empty book.

WORK RELATIONSHIPS HOBBIES SLEEP MEDITATION MOVEMENT DIET PURPOSE (TRUE WAY TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN)

All need work

CONSISTENT REST SCHEDULE, NO TECH, EVEN WITH WITHDRAWAL-INSOMNIA? REMEMBER HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL TOMORROW?

Needs work

EMBRACING SUFFERING - HUMANS SEEK PLEASURE/AVOID PAIN - MINDFULNESS, EQUANIMITY - FEELING THE EMOTION SPECTRUM & TRAPPED TRAUMA, HEALTHY STRESS/HPA MANAGEMENT?

I do need to welcome my emotions more and gain better awareness of them


I am only seeking natural, mature, real-life, healthy and responsible expressions of my sexuality. Why?
Because I want to live more in line with reality.

Higher perspectives on sexuality (outgrowing porn) - Are you responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
An emotional connection is more important. It's more frequent anyway. Sex lasts a short time. Orgasm even less. But an emotional connection can be sustained for long periods. Going deep with one person has huge payoffs too.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first?
Yeah. Slowly.

In all areas, am I being profoundly self-honest and addressing true reality? Any blind-spots? Healthy vulnerability with safe others?
I think yes I've been quite good.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up - Victories? Setbacks? Lessons? Emotional/life-concern links?
Setbacks today. Binging on hard stuff. Triggered by all the women in public. Mistaking anxious attachment and the need for regulation for high sex drive.

Did I act in line with my desired true character/morality/values today?
No. I didn't. Porn's themes today are fucked and I liked the novelty of it for my dopamine hit.

Meaning/development/purpose? Progress? Meditation? Prioritizing it even when not in the mood? Trauma release? Body scans?
Meditated a bit. Explored other stuff momentarily. Not going deep in one area much these days.

Current hobby initiation and engagement? Tried anything new? Experiences/Places/Learning something/Skills?

Not yet.

Cooking practice or at least eating well? Hydration? Caffeine? Sugar? Sweeteners? Fast-food?
Cooking is the only one that went well.

Physical activity? Posture? Mobility?
Walking and one little exercise.

Grateful for? Proud of? Big/small wins? What's generally going well? What normally works the most?
Grateful for the presence of my current crush. Going well? My relaxation into life. My letting go off my youth a bit more.

Lessons from life, resources and reviewing this post? Immediate actions?
Work relationships and hobbies should be the main focus.

How will I avoid setbacks after this? (More meditation? Charge phone other side of room? Set more blocks or delete any apps/accounts?)
Going to sleep
 
URGENT/IMMEDIATE PREVENTATIVE ACTIONS/BEHAVIORS?
I need to set up blockers.

I am only seeking natural, mature, real-life, healthy and responsible expressions of my sexuality. Why?
The rest is a super-normal stimuli and not good for the brain.

Higher perspectives on sexuality (outgrowing porn)? Are you responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
Yeah. Not when I relapse but I can tell now that it's more about the dopamine than anything else. My views on sex and porn now are that it is exactly what it inevitably is. An exaggerated short-term gratification version of something that should be the exact opposite and can be a million times better once you're wired back up for the real thing

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first?
I've been investing in books on childhood trauma, neglect, shame and PTSD so yes

High drive (brain calls for mood regulation) or flat-line?
In between. Women and their bodies have really been getting my attention lately

In all areas, am I being profoundly self-honest and addressing true reality? Any blind-spots? Healthy vulnerability with safe others when appropriate?

Yeah this is getting better. Being in recovery even if it's not going 100% is really good for my mindset. Having developmental models to follow really helps too so I've been exploring Maslow, ego development, Maslow, 9 stages of faith, Buddhism etc.

Environment?

Alone in my room is about the only risky one

Programs progress?

Slow but doing it

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up - Victories? Setbacks? Lessons? Emotional/life-concern links?

No setbacks because I had work and clear things to do surrounding work. Having lots I wanna do as well as finite time really helps.

Current masturbation habits and frequency? Edging? Fantasy?
Still edge a lot, especially when slightly triggered.

Social media snooping?
Yeah a little still

Visiting escorts or escort sites? Sexual encounter sites? Dating apps?

NOPE :)

Life returned to if acting out?
Social anxiety and self-hatred. Shame. Emptiness. Hopelessness

Life going towards with recovery?

Excitement. Vitality. Encouragement. Confidence

Did I act in line with my desired true character/morality/values today?

Not always. Gossip is my main one. If I could avoid gossip I'd be sorted in pretty much every other area I think

Meaning/development/purpose? Progress? Meditation? Prioritizing it even when not in the mood? Trauma release? Body scans? Peace and contentment? Mindfulness and spirituality?

Going well as mentioned above. Just wanna get more into my meditation stuff.

Emotions guide us towards needs. Suffering, sadness, emptiness, discomfort and pain are at the root. Are you managing, regulating and soothing stress and anxiety well? How am I addressing my natural sensitivity? Anything I’m I pretending to be okay about? Awareness, naming, acknowledging, acting?
I'm slowly learning the skills from the running on empty book for identifying my emotions through the day. This will really help me.

Connections? Loneliness? Hows your relationship with self and others? SAD levels? How would relapse impact?

Getting better with a few workmates.

Am I putting myself, self-care, purpose, development, healing and recovery before attachment?
I'm coming back to them when I forget. This is a big deal for me

I’ve caused suffering, made mistakes, been wrong, at fault and lost respect and reputation. Others in my life have too. Can I reflect to gain clarity and wisdom around my motives and desires/avoidance? Am I willing to take full responsibility, think what I could do differently and apologize creatively where necessary? What blame/victim-hood/regrets/resentments need forgiving/letting-go of? Can I see how good the relief of letting them all go would feel?

I don't need to forgive anyone but myself.

Current hobby initiation and engagement? Tried anything new? Experiences/Places/Skills?

Not yet.

Mental enrichment? New knowledge?

Yes. Mainly the trauma stuff.

Habits and bullet journal? (brain dependent)
Slipping on both a bit.

Work? Work relationships? Gossip avoidance?
I shut down a lot. Only really enjoy the days my crush is there.

Cooking practice or at least eating well? Hydration? Caffeine? Sugar? Sweeteners? Fast-food? Changes to make?
Cooking yes, eating well no, hydration terrible, caffeine yes later in the day, sugar heaps, sweeteners yes and fast food I slipped on. I need to stop buying cheap shit food even if I'm poor

Physical activity? Posture? Mobility?

Feel like I never have time

How have you been managing your money? What needs work?
Alright but not good. Less transport and junk food would help

How are my rest habits?
Need to wind down early with less exceptions but easier said than done.

Grateful for? Proud of? Big/small wins? What's generally going well? What normally works the most?
Grateful that life gives you second chances often when you thought things were over completely

Lessons from life, resources and reviewing this post? Immediate actions?

Right now I'm gonna focus on the emotional awareness part and go step by step through the running on empty book and the Transcend book

How will I REALLY avoid setbacks after this? (More meditation? Charge phone other side of room? Set more blocks or delete any apps/accounts?)’

I do need to meditate. Watch a show. Exercise and overall focus on my habits
 
First post revisited:

EMOTION
  • Childhood emotional neglect. Emotionally immature, unavailable mother, CPTSD, Family dysfunction and conflict
    • Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
      • Chronic pleasing and reassurance seeking - Low assertiveness and self-defense
    • Trapped emotions in body
    • Absent father, no male figures
    • Anger issues
    • Chronic shame, Low self-compassion
      • Regrets
      • Low sense of identity
      • Using criticism, perfection and pressure as motivation. Extreme self-pressure. Not good at dropping things to focus on the important. Everything is important (also an executive function issue)
      • Chronic invalidation
      • Aging and appearance - Clinging to youth, relevance and what they mean - Appearance based worth
    • Attachment issues including attachment and bonding to porn
  • Highly sensitive plus a noisy ruminative mind - issues around self-regulation
  • No real hobbies, trouble initiating them based on the above
  • Lack of purpose on an ultimate level, mundane level and career/life level (improving)
  • Being behind in life, executive dysfunction, overwhelm, paralysis, addiction/default to planning but not initiating - Not in the career I wanted
  • Loneliness, Lack of belonging
ADDICTION PRESENTATION
  • Changes in sexual orientation interests at times
  • Craving linked to attachment system and other brain areas - Need for regulation mistaken for high sex drive
  • Sexual obsession, hyper-sexuality, hyper-focus and a constant sense of missing out. Especially the kinds of girls I've seen in porn
  • Penis/penis-function based worth and trauma - Bad masturbation habits at a high frequency - Chronic pelvic pain and dysfunction (numb)
  • Fantasy (reinforces the issues)
  • Warped, unnatural interests, taboo/immoral/racist themes, hardcore and novelty for dopamine highs
  • A core addiction to technology - Porn, porn references, triggers and ads everywhere
  • Seeking and fishing in general... (looking for it anywhere I can find it). Seeking itself is the issue. That's the role dopamine plays. It's not the porn but the behavior that needs addressing in every place it arises. I've always been hypersensitive emotionally and nervous-system wise. My whole life and all my relationships have been a series of small traumas. There is a loneliness and lack of belonging I feel. There is an emptiness in my life porn creates and fills. I do all this to self-soothe.
  • A temptation towards swinging, causal and group encounters, escorts
  • Lingering
  • Coping with craving, withdrawals and discomfort
  • Snooping on social media (girls, exes etc.) and getting triggered
  • Letting small related recovery behaviors slip
 
URGENT/IMMEDIATE PREVENTATIVE ACTIONS/BEHAVIORS?
Could be doing one but I'm tired.

I am only seeking natural, mature, real-life, healthy and responsible expressions of my sexuality. Why?
Because the digital way so obviously drains me and the real thing is far more special to me now that I have a crush on someone special.

Higher perspectives on sexuality (outgrowing porn)? Are you responding to sexual feelings in ways that feel responsible and healthy?
Porn is junk food. It's me wanting the real thing and just being impatient. But now I know I want the human connection that comes with it.

Have you being paying more attention towards inner change first? Healing the root and core first?
Yeah but overloading myself. Can't use my executive functions well to filter out what to focus and what not to.

High drive (brain calls for mood regulation) or flat-line?
In between.

In all areas, am I being profoundly self-honest and addressing true reality? Any blind-spots? Healthy vulnerability with safe others when appropriate?
Just overwhelmed at the moment. Still have the same drive to recover.

Environment?
Semi-safe laptop. Using my phone in bed a lot.

Programs progress?
Have let this slip. Still engaging just not as much as I originally wanted to.

The only way to fail is long-periods of giving up - Victories? Setbacks? Lessons? Emotional/life-concern links?
Setbacks? Very early this morning in bed yes. Should've been asleep.

Current masturbation habits and frequency? Edging? Fantasy?
Been edging a lot.

Social media snooping?
Yup.

Visiting escorts or escort sites? Sexual encounter sites? Dating apps?
No.

Life returned to if acting out?
Shame and social anxiety. Not fully feeling the rewards of life.

Life going towards with recovery?
Peaceful clear uncluttered mind and easier self-regulation.

Did I act in line with my desired true character/morality/values today?
Just not caring for my wellbeing very well.

Meaning/development/purpose? Progress? Meditation? Prioritizing it even when not in the mood? Trauma release? Body scans? Peace and contentment? Mindfulness and spirituality?
Gotten off track although I did meditate a bit today.

Emotions guide us towards needs. Suffering, sadness, emptiness, discomfort and pain are at the root. Are you managing, regulating and soothing stress and anxiety well? How am I addressing my natural sensitivity? Anything I’m I pretending to be okay about? Awareness, naming, acknowledging, acting?
No. I've been distracting myself a lot.

Connections? Loneliness? Hows your relationship with self and others? SAD levels? How would relapse impact?

Lonely these days. Not in the mood to socialize.

Am I putting myself, self-care, purpose, development, healing and recovery before attachment?
Not as much as I should.

Current hobby initiation and engagement? Tried anything new? Experiences/Places/Skills?
Not yet.

Mental enrichment? New knowledge?
Kinda.

Habits and bullet journal? (brain dependent)
A little bit.

Cooking practice or at least eating well? Hydration? Caffeine? Sugar? Sweeteners? Fast-food? Changes to make?
Didn't eat well today.

Physical activity? Posture? Mobility?
No.

How have you been managing your money? What needs work?
I had a look at my spending a bit more today.

How are my rest habits?
Not great.

Grateful for? Proud of? Big/small wins? What's generally going well? What normally works the most?
Having money at all. Having an independent life which I fought for a while ago.

Lessons from life, resources and reviewing this post? Immediate actions?
Just remembering the truth of suffering I suppose.

How will I REALLY avoid setbacks after this? (More meditation? Charge phone other side of room? Set more blocks or delete any apps/accounts?)’
No phone in bed!
 
Life is so short and it's quality is being stolen. How will you recommit, contain the chaos and manage complacency, false security and focus-loss (currently and for life)?

By taking yet another fresh start and continuing to log again.

Setbacks/victory?

Victory!

Healthy responsible sexuality, masculinity and relationships? Current higher perspective views on these and porn? What are you TRULY missing out on? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention and approval?

Healthy responsible sexuality looks like putting sex in it's right place in life. Although it's an important part of our survival, there are asexual people out there that prove that there is more to life that this and it doesn't need to be seen as some pinnacle. It's a part of human connection, it's a part of living. Life it's the thing that matters. Life continuing and experiencing itself is what matters. Survival is what matters. And this is to biology let alone what matters to humans who ourselves have evolved mentally. Porn is still junk food in my eyes. High dopamine just as much as a Snickers bar is high sugar as opposed to a healthier piece of fruit. It has so much of it's "nutrients" stripped away.

Emotion, Needs, Sensations, Withdrawals, Craving (Regulation, not calm)

I've been feeling flat. Partly I think because I had two days of no sugar and experienced withdrawals. It really ruined a nice dynamic I had with my crush and I'm freaking out now that things are destroyed. Basically I had a meltdown at work but didn't wanna be isolated at home. I always spend time with this person so I went to them but they didn't know how to handle me and I couldn't speak. This happened again the next day and they were experiencing something similar. The dynamic just seems to have shifted and I feel highly distressed.

Lots of akathasia lately

Trauma - Somatic work (body scans etc.)

Just reading a CPTSD book and generally being more trauma-informed in my actions. But not much in this area yet

Meditation (The Mind Illuminated) - Prioritized? - Stillness

Did as much as I was able to today

Sleep conditions - Withdrawal-based insomnia

Sleep hasn't been good. Keep going to bed late after revenge procrastination. Decided to delete my TikTok

Movement, Ergonomics

Just walking for now. Still using an exercise ball instead of a computer seat

Nutrition and hydration

Not great right now. Not consistent

Caffeine, Added Sugar, Sweeteners, Fast food

Broke all these today

Work satisfaction

The gossip and the inability to escape people's concern is the main thing that's bugging me

Meaningful connections - Social comfort?

None today

Attachment work - Relationships

I'm letting attachment take over my brain. I need to slow down and refocus on myself again

Social media apps and snooping?

Still checking my exes profiles out of complete habit and nothing more. Just a well created pathway

Dating apps, personals/encounter and/or escort sites, unnecessary chat apps?


No. Haven't done this in a long time!

Competent adult self-care (cooking, laundry, tidying, living within means)

Avoided cooking. Did an extremely small tidy up

Hobbies, Lifelong learning, Enrichment, Skills, Experiences, Places

Still learning but no, nothing in this arena right now. But that's okay. I'm more forgiving of this part these days

Any other notes

Found an old picture my ex drew me. Stared at it for ages. Cried a few times. Eventually wrote a response on it wishing them well, letting them go. Then I ripped it up

Avoiding setbacks after this? Emotionally and physically?

Being kind to myself and taking it slow
 
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Life is so short and it's quality is being stolen. How will you recommit, contain the chaos and manage complacency, false security and focus-loss (currently and for life)?

I need to recommit at the moment. Have a fresh, fresh start. In a way that's exactly what I'm doing by focusing on CPTSD stuff which is the true root. The root of that? My childhood neglect. The root solution to that? Emotion focus on a deep level! Three books: CPTSD book, Running on Empty and Permission to Feel are my current go to books.

Setbacks/victory?

Lingering on sexual content yes. No major full setbacks.

Healthy responsible sexuality, masculinity and relationships? Current higher perspective views on these and porn? What are you TRULY missing out on? What's more important than sex/porn/masturbation/female attention and approval?

I've got only one love interest at the moment and it's all mentally driven. I'm attracted to her but that's in the background. I'm genuinely interested in her as a person and this is the first time I haven't be subtly influenced strongly by the sexual component (as sad as that is to confess). So really the thing that matters most is me finding secure attachment

Emotion, Needs, Sensations, Withdrawals, Craving (Regulation, not calm)

Emotion I need to work on. At work I'm very much dead and anti-social seeming a lot of the time. It's not how I actually want to come across

Trauma - Somatic work (body scans etc.)

Haven't done much but over the past few days I did a few body scan type sessions

Meditation (The Mind Illuminated) - Prioritized? - Stillness

Gotten off track on this one. Still wanna get into it in a structured way and do the mind illuminated book

Sleep conditions - Withdrawal-based insomnia

I just go to bed too late is the main issue

Movement, Ergonomics

Lots of walking only still

Nutrition and hydration

See below. Hydration has been very bad. My average is 3 cups of water a day. Not good

Caffeine, Added Sugar, Sweeteners, Fast food

Still struggling with all these

Work satisfaction

If I wasn't so tired and miserable, I think I'm happy in my role

Meaningful connections - Social comfort?

I try my best. I have people I do really get along with

Attachment work - Relationships

Going well! Just need to not get caught up in freaking out over message gaps. This has been improving as I go to people online for support instead of my own head

Social media apps and snooping?

Decreasing as I become interested in this new person

Lessons from resources?

Basically that I need to get better at, daily, reflecting on what I'm feeling and putting words to it

Dating apps, personals/encounter and/or escort sites, unnecessary chat apps?

None. I'm only interested in one person right now

Competent adult self-care (cooking, laundry, tidying, living within means)

I'm trying to think of ways to systematically address this

Hobbies, Lifelong learning, Enrichment, Skills, Experiences, Places

Not yet. But I'm currently fine with that. It's not as high on the list yet

Purpose? Direction?

I believe I've overloaded myself in this area. Taken on too many concepts around it

Any other notes

I don't have much energy to reflect much but I'm still here doing these logs and that really does count for something

Avoiding setbacks after this? (Also, reminder, stop edging!) Emotionally and physically?

Being mindful and going to bed without my phone. Reading instead if I must
 
Foundations:

1. Purpose and direction? Spirituality?


Need to get back on track. Want to explore secular Buddhism

2. Self-compassion? How can I increase it?

I think I need to be more conscious of the concept in my day to day life

3. Emotion and needs? Secure attachment? Rejection sensitivity? Trauma and neglect work?

It's mainly this that needs my attention. There are the root things driving my setbacks.

4. Social levels and comfort?

Medium

Patterns:

1. Setbacks? Victories? Lessons? Prevention? Device and bedroom security? (Explore deeply)


Just that I need to stop using my phone on my bed. The rest is me using porn to address attachment and rejection/abandonment based anxiety

Enrichment and joy:

1. Hobbies? Experiences? Plans in this area? What's one or more small thing I could make a start on?


I want to start learning chess

2. Work satisfaction? Changes needed?

It's mainly just gossip I don't want to be a part of, the rest is fine

3. Grateful for? Wins?

My close relationship that's still building with someone at work
 
Foundations:

1. Purpose and direction? Spirituality?

Read the book I Am That today

2. Self-compassion and secure attachment? How can I increase it?
By coming back into focus and keeping it at the forefront of my mind

3. Emotion and needs? Secure attachment? Rejection sensitivity? Trauma and neglect work?
Need to keep reading the books I'm reading on the topic

4. Social levels and comfort?
Medium

Patterns:

1. Setbacks? Victories? Lessons? Prevention? Device and bedroom security? (Explore deeply)

Yeah lately in bed, not sleeping and having setbacks

Enrichment and joy:

1. Hobbies? Experiences? Plans in this area? What's one or more small thing I could make a start on?

I want to start learning chess still. I also keep thinking about how I wish I could get a piano

2. Work satisfaction? Changes needed?
Still gossip and also just not generally caring about my workmate's lives

3. Grateful for? Wins?
I've made it, the person I like, they like me back
 
Foundations:

1. Purpose and direction? Spirituality? Meditation?

Went to a profound talk that inspired me on the matter. Haven't been meditating.

2. Self-compassion and secure attachment? How can I increase it?
Adapting as I go within my current relationship, using it as a springboard and a support.

3. Emotion and needs? Relation to current behaviors? Rejection sensitivity? Trauma and neglect work?
It's mainly self-care that I need to focus on the most. Basic self-care is the bulk of recovery from most things

4. Social levels and comfort?
I try to consciously relax

Patterns:

1. Setbacks? Victories? Lessons? Prevention? Device and bedroom security? (Explore deeply)

Not secure. I'm currently focused on a new relationship, a secure one and it's helping because I'm having real sex

Enrichment and joy:

1. Hobbies? Experiences? Plans in this area? What's one or more small thing I could make a start on?

I feel called to learn piano

2. Work satisfaction? Changes needed?
Just need to focus on me and my own boundaries, what I find important

3. Grateful for? Wins?
My new partner who genuinely cares about me
 
Let go of doubts and negative evidence to support it. No matter what has happened before, this is a new day. No other moment that came before is exactly like this one. No matter where you are in the journey, this is the perfect place to recommit. Celebrate that. Every moment is a fresh beginning...

Foundations:

1. Purpose and direction? Spirituality? Meditation?

Exploring the headless way and nonduality. Letting it inform my choices and ground me

2. Self-compassion and secure attachment? How can I increase it?
I've been doing pretty good in this area. Not the self-compassion, but addressing my attachment anxieties as they arise

3. Emotion and needs? Relation to current behaviors? Rejection sensitivity? Trauma and neglect work?
I think my age, appearance, feelings for exes and general life overwhelm/achievement anxieties are the biggest issues. I think focusing on purpose will help with this

4. Social levels and comfort?
Getting better over time. I think recovery and feeling in control of my recovery is a big part of this

Patterns:

1. Setbacks? Victories? Lessons? Prevention? Device and bedroom security? (Explore deeply)

My devices aren't secure. To prevent setbacks I need to have clearer rules around my tech which I don't currently have in place

Enrichment and joy:

1. Hobbies? Experiences? Plans in this area? What's one or more small thing I could make a start on?

Not yet. But I've regrown interest in guitar again

2. Work satisfaction? Changes needed?
Just need to remember daily that gossip is the single thing that brings me down at work. People pleasing

3. Grateful for? Wins?
Fresh starts and new discoveries/learning
 
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