A journal

Hey, used to frequent here more often. Aiming to move forward and abstain.

Today - I have been a bit off track, but going to take a cold shower now and have a small amount of green tea , then do my meditation. Hopefully this will help me to be a bit more productive today.

The good news is

1) I already worked out
2) I shopped for healthy food at the grocery store
3) I ate a salad
4) I made my bed

I think focusing on what I HAVE done is an aide to building my momentum and doing more.

Ahhh - feels good to be writing again, mind clearing and a tool that I had forgotten.
 
Heyo, welcome back! Good to see that you already have such healthy habits! Hopefully this new journal will be a good tool in sorting out your current challenges!
Thanks so much man!

Yup really looking forward to journaling again.

Just went to part of a comedy show to get out of the house.

I feel pretty energetic - I have a nice novel. I'll simply read it out of my bed ( can be dangerous laying around in bed) until I am quite tired then I'll move to bed. Actually looking forward to the reading.

Also - will write a short email to my therapist. I got a new therapist a few months ago that is excellent and I am finding it very helpful. Very greatful I have access to such a thing.

One other thing - to get the ball rolling I committed to setting aside $100 which I will use for something enjoyable - maybe a day trip , or some activity, for achieving abstinence from now until next Friday morning and the consequence if I were to not abstain is sending that $100 to a legit evil organization that makes my blood boil. So that is a nice motivation boost right there.
 
Well, bit of a check in here.


Last night was good - I really enjoyed reading that book.

This morning I woke up before my alarm and made my bed, then listened to positive recordings - I spontaneously went for a bike ride to get some cardio in. So that was good.

Since then though, I've felt pretty tired. So I think the rest of the weekend I will rest my body ( I exercised a great deal yesterday)

Having written that, I already feel better. Like for me feeling a bit tired I was making a big deal of it, resisting it. But just to accept like, okay I exercised loads, my body is tired and I'll simply rest it. I feel a lot better.

That is big for me I think, so often I feel mild tiredness or discomfort and make it a huge deal in my mind, but if I accept it is no big deal and I can just be a little bit tired and it's fine.
 
This morning was good - I didn't " feel " like it but I made my bed, did a bit of cleaning , did some small exercises to prevent/rehab injuries and then just finished up a short meditation ( also bought milk and had a protein shake).

So got a bit done this morning - I felt so much better after doing the exercises. Now I feel a bit tired, I feel kind of bad about it - but figure, you know I did already get a decent amount I can reward myself in a healthy way - so I may lay down and read a bit, perhaps nap a bit.
 
Today was a very good day. I had a work related thing to do - it was great as it involved interacting a lot. I think that is a nice way to boost my mood and basically get the juices flowing.

Anyway, afterwards I shopped, then went to a meetup. I chatted with a girl on the train ride home. This was nice but the thing to watch for me is not to think about her too much - which can lead to fantasy , which can lead to worse fantasy etc. So, just being aware of that.

Anyways, I just ate a huge amount of food - but healthy food. Chicken, protein bars, mozzerela, vegetables I cooked.

Now I feel tired, but in a really good way. Like relaxed and satisfied.

I'd still like to

1) To do some speaking practice
2) Do some study
3) Maybe look into things to work on for the side business I am aiming to do.

But for now, the next bit of time I think I'll just read a bit and perhaps take a short 20 min nap at some point - just to recharge a bit. Overall real good day with good lessons -

Being active creates energy
Meetups/socializing in groups is very good for me.
Meditation - I sometimes do not like it in the moment BUT it pays off later in terms of feeling calmer, more awake and focused as well as a confidence boost
 
Alrighty winding down the day : I did not do all that I would have liked but I find celebrating what I did do is a good way to lead me towards doing more :

I meditated
I stretched
I foam rolled this evening ( great for my body)
I did a hypnosis recording
I sent out a message I had to send for work
I emailed therapist
I journaled in my notebook ( here as well!)
I took a nap ( this is a win! Being disciplined to nap and get real rest rather then watch tv or something
 
So - I have been feeling a bit scatter brained today.

Still abstinant and looking forward to that reward I'll have earned by this abstinence ( on Friday) . I am thinking that I ought to take the money out of the bank , so it is there already and does not feel like I am spending when I do.

This entry may be a bit stream of consciousness.

Anyway - How about I keep it simple and I'll just be gentle with myself and give myself credit for what I have done :

I did 30 minutes of fairly intense cardio at the gym this morning.
I spent a few minutes cleaning the living room and kitchen.
I bought a bunch of toilet paper, which I really needed
I texted my friend for support
I emailed my therapist

Critique : I have some weight to lose and my diet has been out of whack. I tried counting calories but went off the wagon with that real quick. Generally I have been fit most of my life - since my early teens or so. Gained probably 10 pounds of fat or so in the last months.

Anyway - going to fast the rest of the day. In the past I have found fasting really difficult BUT I did lean out. Anyways, jury is still out but will experiment with perhaps either fasting or dropping my carbs. My mind has been pretty out of it lately and I think that excess carbs definitely harm my focus.
 
Quick check in -

Achieved that goal and earned my $100 haha.
So doing it again with $200!! This time until Mon the 22nd and I have fun plans for that money.

Very good day yesterday - I scheduled my day and that was oh so helpful.

Was very energetic and fell asleep late so a bit tired - having small amounts of caffeine and adjusting schedule for day - will do a lil extra nap

THE KEY - for me to get real rest rather then moap around in half assed land
For example :

Take a 30 minute nap
Rather then end up laying around watching youtube or switching from book to book for 2 hours - still tired after but wondering where the time went.

If I need rest - get the rest! Even though my instinct wants to do nothing including not rest!
 
Good day today - scheduling
My day and sticking to it even if I don’t feel
Like it is key.

i was not 100% perfect with my schedule but at least worked on everything on it.

note to self : I gain energy through action. If I lay around I am exhausted but if active I have more and more energy - how my brain works.

Today I am proud that I:
Cleaned up my place in the morning.
meditated in the morning
Had a nice conversation and took some social risk
Had a nice phone call with my friend
Supported the police - who were being harassed by a jerk.
 
Things going well - this morning I woke up tired but followed my schedule did loads of meditation and that energized me. Spending much of the day with my friend we are going to do some fun work , to improve ourselves. It's gonna be a great day!
 
Another pretty good day - I had too much caffeine yesterday - really like a cup and a half of tea but I am SUPER sensitive to it.

So I felt some effects of it but still got some key things done :

I did a few small but crucial tasks for the business I am creating

I complimented a lovely girl

I did my workout ( weights)

Then did my cardio - biked in the night

Just did my guided visualization/hypnosis for the day -listening to each one for a week is recommendation - I listened to two different tracks for 7 days straight the last two weeks ( both aimed at decreasing sex/ porn addiction) - as those I don't enjoy much but of course abstinence is a priority!

Now I am starting on one to increase my motivation and drive for my business - I got some good ideas I wrote down. I want to get aggressive about this project it is the "one thing" that can change everything.

Tomorrow I was invited to a outdoor day of hiking with friends, most of whom I've not seen in awhile, in the past I have been like oohh I planned to x y and z - then often regret missing out and lack of adventure.

So - I am gonna make it happen! Bring notebooks and things to do work on the train ride - mentioned to friend that I'll be doing some work while we are there ( rock climbing also - they are much better climbers then me - so when they do tougher climbs I can spend the time working - which'll be lovely , there in the forest)

Then I am planning on simply toughing it out and doing my weight lifting workout at night.

I'll miss my yoga class - but that is okay - I usually go to 3 a week but occasionally going to 2 won't kill me. It is the teacher's birthday so I'll call the gym and make sure my well wishes are sent her way - in fact, now that I right this. I realize I can actually call on the train and perhaps even get her on the phone and tell her happy birthday - may do that! -

AND if I happen to wake up very early ( not forcing myself to get up too crazy early) then I'll perhaps do my weight lifting in the morning.


Basically my lifting now is an upper lower split

mon Upper body, tues lower body thurs upper fri lower

I am starting to actually really enjoy lifting and look forward even legs! I found two exercises I love that are easy on my back.

(belt squats) and trap/hex bar deadlift. Doing them I actually feel excited about my big leg and hip muscles growing and just being powerful.

My diet is high protein, intermittent fasting - paleo. Been doing paleo since I was a teenager -intermittent fasting seems to just give me a bit of increased focus and is simply pleasurable - I enjoy having feasts and still being able to likely lose weight( or if I am not losing, it would not be too hard to eat less, where as sans fasting my massive apetite makes it very unpleasant - when I fast I stop being hungry bit when I eat less then a massive amount at a time, I am hungry constantly)


So tomorrow aims:

Do my hypnosis in the morning.
Bring notebook to write in on train to meet friends
Get work done in forest
( maybe can work on application a bit on phone)
Do leg workout
Compliment several women - either on way to train or in busy part of town afterward. Overcoming my reluctance to really flirt and try and date a woman versus just having friendly small talk and fearing putting myself out there. Basically SMOOTHLY complimenting and being more direct, I can always then be smoother/ more subtle later on. But first things is being able to present my interest with confidence in a manner with self respect and matter of fact " I am interested" and not " I am interested but fear showing it " or " I want you sooo bad please like me"



WEDNESDAY: Fully complete application for school get it 100% done FIRST THING when I wake up, after making my bed and doing exercises - just get it done ASAP.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Damn WinnerwhoAbstains, you're killing it. I like that you're hitting on those goals and are doing more than just abstain for porn.

Porn takes everything from us, so the best thing we can do is take life by the balls and give porn hell.

I had too much caffeine yesterday - really like a cup and a half of tea but I am SUPER sensitive to it.
I feel you here. I got myself off caffeine over the last summer, and it's been a good decision for me. I still have one on the weekends because I love the taste, but like yourself I'm also SUPER sensitive to it and found out much of my anxiety came from caffeine and not life - which is pretty fucked up if you think about it lol! Now it's only decaf for me, or once a week like I mentioned, give or take exceptions here and there.

You're doing great man, keep it up.

Best

Blondie.
 
Best

Blondie.
Thanks man! Yes very good reminder about the caffeine.

I really appreciate the affirmation and I find it encouraging and it makes me want to keep putting in the work - and honestly salvage today and the rest of the week - I am still strong about abstaining! But had some other things go on and want to stay on track. Also I love your signature I did not notice it before and I think it sums up things really well.

Will I suppose do a separate post with updates.
 
Hey, so still strong with abstaining - first half of yesterday was good. I did the trip which was fun - I was a bit tired and it was pretty tiring but it was a good experience and I am glad I did it. It was useful for me to recognize that when doing activities getting out there not EVERY time is going to be sensationally good - but still getting out there, living life is great and it is also investing in relationships.

I'd say a big positive though - was how comfortable I was socially. The other people knew each other better and knew what was going on with the activities more, but I was just fine with it. Enjoying socializing okay with it if I was on the periphery at times - just being laid back and overall enjoying the trip.

Later on though, I had a falling out with a friend I hung out with quite a bit this past year. Like the bridge is scorched. I generally aim not to burn bridges - but basically the guy had been irritable and critical with me for weeks - I never responded and just let it pass.


On top of that I felt like I was investing tons into him and being very available, basically just this huge imbalance.

I don't want to go off track too much but I can sum up this guy as thus :

His last girlfriend he felt she was perfect except her face - and told her, told her she could fix the reason he would not marry her with surgery. Then he is ultra sensitive when they broke up and moping around - and basically found out she is in therapy and he crushed her confidence and now that he is over his moping he couldn't care less.

Suppose that was a read flag lol. Basically that sums him up - wanting others to change for him, he is ultra important and they are just there to please him.



I guess I needn't go into it, but I'll find the positives.

I was investing quite a bit into this guy.

Dating, real life dating and meeting women is good for me. I am pretty extroverted and can meet women. We'd often go out to do this and he was honestly holding me back massively. I'd go to his neighborhood , meet the women, be aiming to encourage him - he'd get mad at me and blame his fear on me all sorts of stuff.

I notice that tying an activity to someone who is not motivated lowers my own motivation.

For example - on my own I have many times committed to say, talking to a certain number of women a day - I'll stick to it. But when he wanted to join me and my plans then involved him - he would cancel , or not want to do it, and it was so easy for me then not to do it - and get in the habit of just not meeting girls ( or doing whatever activity/ project).


So the positives are :

Now my dating life is going to EXPLODE. I so often when out with him would hold back because I had to baby sit him.
I will be a lot more in control of my time and do what is best for my life and not working around this guys schedule
I will work on projects I have wanted to do, like perhaps starting a meetup or other groups and that is a great way for me to make new friends.
I'll aim to follow up with people who want to be my friend - and there certainly are some.



The drama of this got me a little off track - it was a pretty intense argument with things coming to a head. So I missed my workout last night but did it this morning and feel a bit drained. So, gonna perhaps read a bit after this post take the morning a bit easy but get my application done today FOR SURE and not let a few bumps take me too off track.
 
Really good day - I have set a simplified schedule for myself - key is just to be disciplined. I like it basically just work non stop from morning till afternoon and be done with it - feel good and accomplished.

Ate a nice healthy meal - thinking to likely read a bit and nap.


Read until I slept last night and did some positive visualization as I drifted off - great to keep my mind in a good place
 
So, I started up a meditation program yesterday - I already see some difference a bit more focus.

Today has been pretty good, Saturday I am making my "off" day - so I take off from my morning routine other then making the bed - this also allows me to sleep in a bit and still make it to a morning yoga class.

So I did yoga, then I did a leg workout. I have been worn out so I focused on doing exercises with light weight, focusing on stability and soothing my joints.

A nice win is - I just decided to set a timer to read, I was going to read a fiction book. I decided to read for 1 minute a very good book "how to win friends and influence people" and I ended up just reading that for the full 20 minutes - wow I forgot how nice and grounding it can be to simply sit , leaned back comfortably on the couch and read a real, positive book for a chunk of time.
 
Wow - actually cool to see my journal on the second page - the forum is a LOT more active then it was in the past.

Things going well - yesterday I had some antsyness and my body felt achy and tired - very intense exercise made it go away immediately. Funny I thought I was soo tired but exercise even made my achy joints that I thought needed rest, feel better.

I am following my new schedule and really finding it gratifying and want to keep it going. I feel really good about today as I pushed through difficulty and continue doing it. Afterwards I had a great lifting workout.
 
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