A journal


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Haha yup! Reminds me to maybe hit a nice workout tomorrow. Thanks for the response! Just got hit with a real strong urge - and came here to post quick ( felt REAL at risk) having a response from you reminds me to push through it - nice to be in that successful group also : )

Going to suck it up and go for a walk and listen to some music and let it pass that way


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Short on time - but just a little celebration - that was the strongest urge I have had in sometime.

Went for a walk - and then did an intense bike ride, went hard for 20 min - almost sprinting the whole time.

Then feel asleep - that is huge, beating urges like that, rewiring the brain for sure


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Wow - that was a tough couple of days. I am a bit annoyed that porn flashes happened in my mind , but I didn't ever let it get too far. I believe it has mostly passed.

Today work was a bit tough and I was anxious, but basically I just decided to commit and sort of dove in and worked hard and it became much better.

Sort of like that quote about commitment has providence in it or something - wish I could remember it.

Anyways, took it easy yesterday and may again today. For the 100th time caffeine is a no go. So a bit out of it today.


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Well unfortunately - I allowed myself to lapse a few days ago.

I ended up masturbating several times ( and fantasizing about porn). I felt tired and quite off the next day.

Since then things have been good and I believe I pinpointed the problem. I took a supplement to relax at night. Oddly for me, things that are "relaxing" are a strong trigger - reason being they lower my defenses and make me less aware.

By the way masturbation for me is an absolute NO - I have insane amount of data showing it is not something that works for me remotely.

Key response to the lapse for me is to remind myself how bad things can get, that is the danger of lapsing and it being " not so bad" or "fine" that can lead to rationalization and doing it again and again etc. with it getting worse and worse and eventually things get real bad.

So that is the key reminding myself I was simply LUCKY and moderating or a "little bit" " not so bad" are just rationalizations.


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Other then that - I have been highly busy. Especially yesterday, looking forward to taking it a bit easier today. Just a few hours of work and will build in a nap and extra rest.


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Hey - been a minute. Wow looking at the date of my last post it's been a lot longer than I thought.

Things are going pretty well at the moment. The only issue has been tiredness.
I think I was over working out - not schedule too well and maybe went a tiny bit over board on the diet.

Anyway - I took it easy on working out for a few days and this morning/ early afternoon I am doing a nice good bit of recharging. It feels pretty nice - just to quietly meditate, read, write. My mind was really really craving this.

Hmmm - what else?

Trigger warning

Oh I had some rewiring opportunities a bit - I went on a date and gave the girl a massage and we were touching a bit. Also a pretty awesome thing happened - I met two nice tourists from Europe and we hung out at there hotel - it was super nice. We meditated, gave each other massages and cuddled a bit.

Perhaps things could have gone further - particularly if I had a bit more sexual confidence ( more motivation for me to abstain for the long hall - I had PIED and it takes me quite some time to get decent erections back).

So this was cool - I think that physical touch is good for my rewiring and writing about it really motivates me to stay away from the poison the real world is sooo much better.

The two European girls -things kind of ended up abruptly - honestly I think they expected things to go further and when it kept not they were just ready to get to bed - the vibe was pretty clear they didn't want to hang out again. No problem - it was still a great experience in it's own right and also I certainly of learned from it - and it was definitely good for my brain rewiring and upping my motivation.


The woman I went on the date with - I was thinking of seeing her again but upon further reflection I blocked her. There were soo many massive red flags.

She talked about punching her ex boyfriends - talked about a lot of baggage. Also I do not drink alcohol and I was also fasting she tried to pressure me to drink SO hard. She had school the next day. It was late we both wanted to leave. We were on our way out and ( after having already refused a taste of her drink maybe 10 times) . So we decided to go - I said okay I'll just go to the bathroom. I come out she is loudly talking to a woman at the bar and has another cup of wine and is telling me she bought it for me etc.

She was adamantly arguing I said I would try some and take a drink etc. At certain points I could feel like this kind of shrillness and psychoness to her.

Again also the girl who said she punched exes they deserved it etc. if I were not totally calm I think she was totally ready to argue/ yell over trying to force me to drink.

She also said she did not like that I was disciplined/ wouldn't drink.

Finally by the time we left - with her drinking again chatting with people - even though obviously the staff wanted to go home ( I also paid my portion to her in cash and gave a big tip - but she just gave a normal tip)

Anyway by the time we left it was very late - and wow I can actually trace back much of my bad week to this date!!! I think she had bad vibes, was draining as she wanted to push me off track and of course just having my sleep schedule totally thrown off.

Kind of wild, now that I have written it out - that I would ever consider seeing her again. Clearly red flags and a negative influence.

This reminds me to journal more - I like journaling by hand but also at times find it tedious - I type much faster - so mixing in some typing is very helpful - good for upping my awareness as writing that certainly did.


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Quick little check in - going strong in terms of abstaining still.

Been having some issues at school from time to time.

I mean, I have no class for a few weeks - so why worry about it I guess?


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Hey, just a quick - more so than an update - just a bit of writing which can be nice.

Had some urges the last few days. Last night fantasy was popping into my head. A good response to this is, rather then letting it build. To have a plan to keep it from happening tonight - the plan is a simple one. I have a kindle, I can read in bed with the light off until I literally fall asleep and drop the kindle. That is one thing great about the kindle, it does not require light to be read AND it will shut itself off automatically.

Writing now, is reminding me how helpful typing in a journal can be. I type a lot faster than I write, so it is nice to just sort of get some thoughts out quickly in this way.

Today, I felt I was going to be pressed for time ( honestly I was in efficient early in the day) so I modified my workout and did one at home rather then the gym. It was "pull" day ( push,pull,legs works well for me). So I just did sets up chin ups, some sets of band pull aparts and some sets of band curls. So I hit all the muscles I wanted to hit. Upper back and rear delts with pull aparts - I changed the angle of pull aparts to hit the lower traps. The chin ups hit the biceps hard and the lats. Finally the curls hit the biceps some more.

Writing about this motivates me. I'd like to grow my biceps. It may not be considered the most "functional" thing - but hey - I really like seeing my arms grow and would like the way it looks! It motivates me so why not do it.

I was really irritable and angry yesterday and the day before - but I went to a hot yoga class and my goodness - the release of anger and tension was incredible.

I don't know why I move away from yoga at times. For me there is no question the proper path forward for me is lifting + yoga ( can always do bike rides from time to time for extra cardio/fun or walk on incline treadmill while reading or something).

Simple lifting and yoga have the best effect on me by far.

Yoga is an interesting one - because honestly, of all the workouts I have done it is one that I often do not "feel like" doing - but it gives me the absolute best mood boost and feelings afterward. Yesterday I felt so good after that I actually can't wait to do it again. It was hot candle lit yoga and that made it a game changer, being in the dark in the warm room, closing my eyes focusing on breath was just exquisite.

For me though, yoga can bother my back, the forward bending or stretching too far. But there is a simple solution MODIFY. If I put blocks on the ground on the highest setting and rest my hands during forward bending, my back feels fine, and then simply my body does not like to be pushed when stretching. If I do these two things, not push too hard and modify, then I think yoga is healthy for my body - and for my mind it is excellent.

Anyway, looking forward to more yoga. I also think as I get a bit fitter and more flexible ( without going too far) it can become a more intense workout and help me with weight loss.

Hmm, what else? Honestly it felt good to just review and get thoughts out, so I needn't write every single thing going on.

I do think thought, I want to spend more time writing out what motivates me and having specific goals. I think I'll make that a priority for tomorrow.


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Today was a good day. I really enjoyed working on a project that is important to me - so I'd like to keep that up.

I have no been doing as much as I want in terms of meeting women - so I'd like to put more into that.

BUT , the good part of it is that in the past dating was a huge motivator to abstain - that is not a bad thing, the dating is lovely, makes me happy and is healthy. However, it is nice to see that aside from dating, not having PMO - there are other great benefits to abstaining. My motivation and focus are back up.

It seems like being good about limiting fantasy really helps my brain a lot in terms of helping motivation and focus. - Also meditation and visualizing is huge. That is a good reminder, I love to visualize. I often do it longer then I plan, like it is fun and I get lost in it, it is super effective AND I have some talent for it.

By visualizing I mean I visualize goals, and mentally rehearse performing well - things like being confident, or focused during work. It absolutely works.


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Fantasized last night. Like full on and consciously.

So that is a lapse, but luckily it was not worse.

However, I do feel the energy drain/ mood down a bit today.

Really what got me is a rationalization ( a lie from the addiction) and complacency.

The lie was : Oh in the past I have avoided P,M,O but still fantasized from time to time, I guess it was okay then so I can just do it, no big deal.
But! The fantasizing always has had highly negative effects, it is porn light, it undoes rewiring AND leads to PIED.

Well, writing is good - holding myself accountable, this feels worse then I expected - but that is a good thing as it is certainly good motivation to avoid this in the future.


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Hey, just checking in a bit.

I did a yoga class this morning. Wow it was very nice. I sooo did not feel like doing it, but during it I became aware of the incredible amount of tension I had in all sorts of random muscles. The muscle tension and emotion really is very connected.

So - it was nice to do that.

I did a bit of journaling as well. I am trying to think a bit on how I want to use this day - I feel a bit lazy, but often when I do little - I feel more tired, but if I make myself do something, my energy goes up.

I think one thing I am pretty confident that I want to do is: Avoid the internet. Using it only for positive or work purposes. Posting here on this forum.

It's interesting though : I notice I have a bit of an urge/impulse to check if I got responses on my emails. Same with facebook.

Now these were mostly "useful" purposes.

I emailed about some positive activities I could get involved in, for example. On facebook I just got into a group about business.

But I notice the impulse to check these things is not really rational/helpful. It is like a bit of an itch/desire for stimulation.

The emails are totally unactionable for a few days - like it literally wouldn't matter if I read them today or tomorrow.
On facebook I had asked a question in a business group - I kept wanting to get more answers, but none came. Besides I already know the answer at this point!

So, some of these things are somewhat useful activities but I certainly think it won't hurt to notice some of these tendencies and be a bit aware of them.

Some big positives though also are : I have been much better about keeping things clean. I pushed through the impulse to procrastinate and immediately put away all my laundry and set up my sheets.

I have been hanging up my clothes when I get home, putting things away, right away.

Also I meditated today.


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Hey, just a quick check in. Things have been going fairly good. Emotionally not feeling the best the last couple of days, I had a bit of stress. But overall I believe I am moving in the direction that I want.

Working out tons - but I could use a day or two of rest to recover.

The fantasy is still an issue - I notice myself wanting to accept that almost like pretend it is not basically a lapse, falling into complacence. So time to get going again


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Hey all, I was pretty worn out yesterday I had caffeine which did not serve me well. I meditated a ton this morning and felt really good - so just a matter of being consistent with that. I have a schedule I set for the day - I don't feel like it - but I am going to follow it.

Also, I think I may run into a bit of triggering material shortly - so just posting to be prepared. If it is triggering, I'll post here and stay away from danger areas - plus I can be ready to:

Go for a walk
Walk on treadmill ( I am cat sitting for family member and there is one here)
Take a cold shower.

just preparing to take right action to keep going as I want, progressing, abstaining, winning


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Alright - I don't feel too triggered, but I do feel a bit tired/lazy.

Just going to be aware and aim to follow my schedule regardless of how I feel AND remind myself - I designed the schedule so that I will have a very nice lazy relaxing evening, so I can tough it out and get done some things ( that will pay off in the future) and look forward to some nice relaxing time for tonight.


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Had a good day - followed schedule and toughed it out - so glad I did.

Eating healthier - lower carbs. Time to stop tip toeing around and get this layer of fat off.


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Hey everyone, been awhile since I posted, things are going well. I feel that I am building momentum.

So, it's been probably a few months now free of porn and masturbation. The last few days I have been doing better about cutting out the fantasy - which is HUGE as cutting that out is what allows me to truly rewire.

Key to my days is scheduling - I scheduled both yesterday and today. Getting done things I want to get done. I actually ran an event yesterday and it went really well - a huge confidence boost! Like I now feel like I am the type of guy who can organize things and run events, I look forward to building this aspect of myself, I am highly excited.

One thing for me to avoid/work on. Just now before posting I was randomly resenting something, something that happened a few weeks ago and ended up being not a huge deal. Like - I noticed I am thinking about this thing and feeling upset for no reason - what is the benefit of that?

Anyway, I want to enjoy the evening a bit, I decided to be internet free today. But at this point my mind really wants a rest, so I think what I could do is, perhaps do a short hypnosis - then select an enjoyable RELAXING book, really treat myself and indulge in a book I just plain want to read and read it.

Plus I'll also indulge in some nice healthy food, I have chicken thighs and plaintain chips. The plaintain chips are calorie dense, but I have been doing OMAD - one meal a day ( kind of modified I eat for about 3.5 -5 hours a day on average. So I can eat a lot of food in the meals that I do eat. It works great for me, I am getting a bit leaner and I think I am gaining muscle as well, plus my mood energy and focus are wayyy up.


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Hey, have not been here lately.

Overall things have been going pretty well. Just cracking away at things.

At the moment I feel a bit tired and a bit anxious. I think in large part it is due to some money concerns.....
I also have some more worries about it underneath the surface.

But, I suppose I can not control 1) What I have done in the past i.e. I can not go back and earn money last month or earlier this month to have more money now and 2) I can not control the future and whether random things outside of my control pop up that could cause additional issue. All I can really do is focus on taking actions in the present.

That said, the good news is that I have been much more focused on goals and gaining more confidence that I can achieve them.


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Hey guys, unfortunately I had lapsed.

I basically made a big error that caused a good bit of stress and fear in my life.

I lapsed and then had been still doing so but decreasing it over the past week and a half or so. Now I am once again abstaining.

Their are some lessons : Basically I have had some very good long periods abstaining and the vast majority of the time I do abstain, but it has been major life events that led me to lapsins/ relapsing in my long periods ( I had had over a year before running into a problem that I was concerned would truly ruin my life early this year)

So - the lessons are :

1) Don't be complacent. Even if I am totally solid, I believe I am a person who finds it necessary to do some maintenance work to maintain abstinence. 12 step is not my path but, I believe once I am over a period of months, the thing for me to do is to put at least a small amount of time into helping others - it helps them and will keep me sharp BUT - at the same time being humble and realizing it does not mean I know it all or am infalliable.

2) Changing how I operate in life. I seem to have an issue with self sabotaging - for example I do not count days because without fail I used to relapse the day before a major milestone.

Similarly it seems that often when things are going well I seem to create some drama in my life. This may be a bit too arm chair psychoanalyst. But I know for sure working on my emotional control and being more detached and less rash will go a long way to avoid these major life issues.

For example the life issue that occurred is : I am in college. The norm in my school is to often talk about the patriarchy the evils of men etc. I found this unjust. I got fed up and argued with the professor about it - she totally lost her temper screaming at me etc. I am/was certain I was right but I still got in massive trouble.

Is this just? No. BUT - this is not a just world, me getting myself in trouble does not do anything, it does not change her opinion it just hurts me. It is better to be strategic in life : If I am really annoyed with the classroom conversation pretend to go to the bathroom, and idk review my goals or something. While in class don't share my opinion ( sure maybe that SHOULD be how college is) but I have learned should's are not helpful. But it is better to accept reality and for example, in class, give the answers they want to hear, be aware of what I am saying, speak with confidence and be the star of the class - and that can allow me to network with professors, meet women to date, take advantage of the school.

Besides, moving my life forward actually has an impact.

Anyways, today was a good day. Self awareness is important and something to be aware of and perhaps I'll write about some of the things I find upsetting NOT to vent but to be aware of my feelings and how to respond to the situation rather then just react emotionally, argue, convince no one of anything and end up harming myself.