A journal


Respected Member
Funny I thought I was soo tired but exercise even made my achy joints that I thought needed rest, feel better.
It's funny you say this Winner, some of my best workouts have always been when I thought I was "too tired". lol

Funny how the brain works!

Keep up the good work.
Haha yup! Reminds me to maybe hit a nice workout tomorrow. Thanks for the response! Just got hit with a real strong urge - and came here to post quick ( felt REAL at risk) having a response from you reminds me to push through it - nice to be in that successful group also : )

Going to suck it up and go for a walk and listen to some music and let it pass that way
Short on time - but just a little celebration - that was the strongest urge I have had in sometime.

Went for a walk - and then did an intense bike ride, went hard for 20 min - almost sprinting the whole time.

Then feel asleep - that is huge, beating urges like that, rewiring the brain for sure
Wow - that was a tough couple of days. I am a bit annoyed that porn flashes happened in my mind , but I didn't ever let it get too far. I believe it has mostly passed.

Today work was a bit tough and I was anxious, but basically I just decided to commit and sort of dove in and worked hard and it became much better.

Sort of like that quote about commitment has providence in it or something - wish I could remember it.

Anyways, took it easy yesterday and may again today. For the 100th time caffeine is a no go. So a bit out of it today.
Well unfortunately - I allowed myself to lapse a few days ago.

I ended up masturbating several times ( and fantasizing about porn). I felt tired and quite off the next day.

Since then things have been good and I believe I pinpointed the problem. I took a supplement to relax at night. Oddly for me, things that are "relaxing" are a strong trigger - reason being they lower my defenses and make me less aware.

By the way masturbation for me is an absolute NO - I have insane amount of data showing it is not something that works for me remotely.

Key response to the lapse for me is to remind myself how bad things can get, that is the danger of lapsing and it being " not so bad" or "fine" that can lead to rationalization and doing it again and again etc. with it getting worse and worse and eventually things get real bad.

So that is the key reminding myself I was simply LUCKY and moderating or a "little bit" " not so bad" are just rationalizations.
Other then that - I have been highly busy. Especially yesterday, looking forward to taking it a bit easier today. Just a few hours of work and will build in a nap and extra rest.
Hey - been a minute. Wow looking at the date of my last post it's been a lot longer than I thought.

Things are going pretty well at the moment. The only issue has been tiredness.
I think I was over working out - not schedule too well and maybe went a tiny bit over board on the diet.

Anyway - I took it easy on working out for a few days and this morning/ early afternoon I am doing a nice good bit of recharging. It feels pretty nice - just to quietly meditate, read, write. My mind was really really craving this.

Hmmm - what else?

Trigger warning

Oh I had some rewiring opportunities a bit - I went on a date and gave the girl a massage and we were touching a bit. Also a pretty awesome thing happened - I met two nice tourists from Europe and we hung out at there hotel - it was super nice. We meditated, gave each other massages and cuddled a bit.

Perhaps things could have gone further - particularly if I had a bit more sexual confidence ( more motivation for me to abstain for the long hall - I had PIED and it takes me quite some time to get decent erections back).

So this was cool - I think that physical touch is good for my rewiring and writing about it really motivates me to stay away from the poison the real world is sooo much better.

The two European girls -things kind of ended up abruptly - honestly I think they expected things to go further and when it kept not they were just ready to get to bed - the vibe was pretty clear they didn't want to hang out again. No problem - it was still a great experience in it's own right and also I certainly of learned from it - and it was definitely good for my brain rewiring and upping my motivation.


The woman I went on the date with - I was thinking of seeing her again but upon further reflection I blocked her. There were soo many massive red flags.

She talked about punching her ex boyfriends - talked about a lot of baggage. Also I do not drink alcohol and I was also fasting she tried to pressure me to drink SO hard. She had school the next day. It was late we both wanted to leave. We were on our way out and ( after having already refused a taste of her drink maybe 10 times) . So we decided to go - I said okay I'll just go to the bathroom. I come out she is loudly talking to a woman at the bar and has another cup of wine and is telling me she bought it for me etc.

She was adamantly arguing I said I would try some and take a drink etc. At certain points I could feel like this kind of shrillness and psychoness to her.

Again also the girl who said she punched exes they deserved it etc. if I were not totally calm I think she was totally ready to argue/ yell over trying to force me to drink.

She also said she did not like that I was disciplined/ wouldn't drink.

Finally by the time we left - with her drinking again chatting with people - even though obviously the staff wanted to go home ( I also paid my portion to her in cash and gave a big tip - but she just gave a normal tip)

Anyway by the time we left it was very late - and wow I can actually trace back much of my bad week to this date!!! I think she had bad vibes, was draining as she wanted to push me off track and of course just having my sleep schedule totally thrown off.

Kind of wild, now that I have written it out - that I would ever consider seeing her again. Clearly red flags and a negative influence.

This reminds me to journal more - I like journaling by hand but also at times find it tedious - I type much faster - so mixing in some typing is very helpful - good for upping my awareness as writing that certainly did.
Quick little check in - going strong in terms of abstaining still.

Been having some issues at school from time to time.

I mean, I have no class for a few weeks - so why worry about it I guess?
Hey, just a quick - more so than an update - just a bit of writing which can be nice.

Had some urges the last few days. Last night fantasy was popping into my head. A good response to this is, rather then letting it build. To have a plan to keep it from happening tonight - the plan is a simple one. I have a kindle, I can read in bed with the light off until I literally fall asleep and drop the kindle. That is one thing great about the kindle, it does not require light to be read AND it will shut itself off automatically.

Writing now, is reminding me how helpful typing in a journal can be. I type a lot faster than I write, so it is nice to just sort of get some thoughts out quickly in this way.

Today, I felt I was going to be pressed for time ( honestly I was in efficient early in the day) so I modified my workout and did one at home rather then the gym. It was "pull" day ( push,pull,legs works well for me). So I just did sets up chin ups, some sets of band pull aparts and some sets of band curls. So I hit all the muscles I wanted to hit. Upper back and rear delts with pull aparts - I changed the angle of pull aparts to hit the lower traps. The chin ups hit the biceps hard and the lats. Finally the curls hit the biceps some more.

Writing about this motivates me. I'd like to grow my biceps. It may not be considered the most "functional" thing - but hey - I really like seeing my arms grow and would like the way it looks! It motivates me so why not do it.

I was really irritable and angry yesterday and the day before - but I went to a hot yoga class and my goodness - the release of anger and tension was incredible.

I don't know why I move away from yoga at times. For me there is no question the proper path forward for me is lifting + yoga ( can always do bike rides from time to time for extra cardio/fun or walk on incline treadmill while reading or something).

Simple lifting and yoga have the best effect on me by far.

Yoga is an interesting one - because honestly, of all the workouts I have done it is one that I often do not "feel like" doing - but it gives me the absolute best mood boost and feelings afterward. Yesterday I felt so good after that I actually can't wait to do it again. It was hot candle lit yoga and that made it a game changer, being in the dark in the warm room, closing my eyes focusing on breath was just exquisite.

For me though, yoga can bother my back, the forward bending or stretching too far. But there is a simple solution MODIFY. If I put blocks on the ground on the highest setting and rest my hands during forward bending, my back feels fine, and then simply my body does not like to be pushed when stretching. If I do these two things, not push too hard and modify, then I think yoga is healthy for my body - and for my mind it is excellent.

Anyway, looking forward to more yoga. I also think as I get a bit fitter and more flexible ( without going too far) it can become a more intense workout and help me with weight loss.

Hmm, what else? Honestly it felt good to just review and get thoughts out, so I needn't write every single thing going on.

I do think thought, I want to spend more time writing out what motivates me and having specific goals. I think I'll make that a priority for tomorrow.
Today was a good day. I really enjoyed working on a project that is important to me - so I'd like to keep that up.

I have no been doing as much as I want in terms of meeting women - so I'd like to put more into that.

BUT , the good part of it is that in the past dating was a huge motivator to abstain - that is not a bad thing, the dating is lovely, makes me happy and is healthy. However, it is nice to see that aside from dating, not having PMO - there are other great benefits to abstaining. My motivation and focus are back up.

It seems like being good about limiting fantasy really helps my brain a lot in terms of helping motivation and focus. - Also meditation and visualizing is huge. That is a good reminder, I love to visualize. I often do it longer then I plan, like it is fun and I get lost in it, it is super effective AND I have some talent for it.

By visualizing I mean I visualize goals, and mentally rehearse performing well - things like being confident, or focused during work. It absolutely works.
Fantasized last night. Like full on and consciously.

So that is a lapse, but luckily it was not worse.

However, I do feel the energy drain/ mood down a bit today.

Really what got me is a rationalization ( a lie from the addiction) and complacency.

The lie was : Oh in the past I have avoided P,M,O but still fantasized from time to time, I guess it was okay then so I can just do it, no big deal.
But! The fantasizing always has had highly negative effects, it is porn light, it undoes rewiring AND leads to PIED.

Well, writing is good - holding myself accountable, this feels worse then I expected - but that is a good thing as it is certainly good motivation to avoid this in the future.