A journal

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Just a quick check in. It is mid/late morning. I notice I feel a bit of an impulse to procrastinate..... and slight urges.

So, I suppose these are both things to be aware of. Going to have a bit of tea which does help me to get going if done in moderation.

Perhaps while that kicks in I can do some guided meditations/ visualization.

Also : Maybe I can take a few minutes to review some things that are important:

My finances need some work - I was thinking to attempt some sales calls today - I feel nervous about it etc.
How about I just do a TINY bit and make 1 or 2 calls or talk to one or two people. - I feel nervous writing that but the best antedote may be to do it. OR - though calling'd be better it's better to do something than nothing, maybe I'll even just send out a few emails.

Next - I want to work on my businesses projects! So the main thing I have been working on few weeks ( really days but days in between) I'd like to finish it. I think key is not trying to make it perfect, I could tweak it for ever. But being faster, making it and sharing it is the way to go.

I also want to practice speaking and/or some social skills.

So, that makes sense I have three main things I want to work on today, to focus on.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Quick check in : Have some stuff I want to get done.

Feel a bit of urges, so that is something to be aware of - remind myself they past and it feels great to beat the urges.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Hey : quick check in. Happy new year!

I had some urges this morning : I had planned on doing some journaling to help with them, but unrelated I took a cold shower to up my energy and get my body feeling good. And WOW - it killed my urges. It was of course difficult - at this time of year it is tougher then in the warmer months haha.

But it is so worth it - I just do 1 minute, it's about a minute of difficulty but afterward the mood boost and lower inflamation lasts a long time. The effect on my body is like taking an advil but with none of the downsides. And again it CRUSHED the urges.

I had had a physically feeling urge - not sure if anyone can relate but it almost feels like having to pee but persistently - odd to describe. But anyway the cold shower eliminated 90% of it and cleared my mind.

Glad to check in here but it is a lovely day for january! So, I'd like to get out of the house fairly soon. Let's see latest within an hour and preferable by about 12:30 ( nearly 12 now) I was thinking to do some cardio in the gym but it's a no brainer to do a short bike ride in the park - I'll go there to get work done and perhaps socialize a bit but for sure start off with a bike ride.

Have a good new year everyone.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

You should be proud for standing up to your professor. Always stand up for men, men's right rights, your race, etc. Not that anyone else should be put down. Good for you! I bet you there's others, even some girls in your class that agree with you but are too afraid to speak up.

Thanks man! Really appreciate the support. That really helps put it into a different perspective. It caused a lot of stress but it was the right thing to do.
That is real encouraging.
Reminds me that I do want to contribute and help others

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Quick check in :

Today was a pretty good day. I am working on a video - I worked on it a good bit today but have nothing filmed.... which is okay as my intention is to prep more. Basically write, plan and practice the video rather then just filming without much thought.

So I worked on it a lot. However, I committed to finishing it today, so I'll finish the video and upload it as I planned before I go to sleep for the night.

One thing though is : It is great I put more work into it, but on the flip side not to be perfectionistic, if I can not execute it exactly as I want or it does not come out exactly as I want that is FINE, the purpose of putting the extra effort it, sure I'd like for it to go better for this video but more importantly it is to build my skill set up over time.

Also - I had some caffine today : It's been helpful for productivity and mood - I am strict about having it in tiny tiny portions thorughout the day ( big amounts make me irritable, give me ups and downs etc. )

Basically I microdosed, however as it wears off - sometimes that gives me some urges, so that is just something to be aware of.

Reminding myself : I was soooo proud when I had months of abstaining from this useless habit. I have been so disappointed each time that I lapsed, it sucks. The addiction lies sometimes, but I can choose to take positive actions.

So often as well, when I have an urge and get through it something wonderful happens the next day.

Tomorrow I am :

Going to do some work stuff intending to bring in some money .
I'll film another video
While I am working I will chat up people and perhaps aim to get some dates.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Quick check in - a little bit of urges last night and this morning.

Slept a bit later then I'd like.

But will adjust I guess.

Have the works tuff to do and want to continue filming.


I'll do some by hand journaling on the train to head to get some work done.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Little check in - dang a little frustrated as working on a project and flirting with a bunch of different ideas and realize after a few hours nothing tangible is done lol.

And now it is late, but I had planned to film a video every day, so I'll get it done. It does not need to be perfect. AND even if that hours of working does not make this video better ( as I may have to start over sort of from scratch) the hours of dedicated focus are sure to help me in the future, even if I just learn better processes for creating in the future.


Basically no urges, but always good to be vigilant. I suppose I'll aim to just get this video done ASAP even if it is not great then get to sleep. Pretty tired

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Just finished and posted the video!

Huge thing - I looked and I finsihed just past 2 am... this actually felt GREAT! Feels good to have worked for hours and kept going till the job, the commitment to myself is done!

AND - I was worrying about the time but how many COUNTLESS times did I stay up far later and sleep far less for the bs pmo - what an awesome thing to stay up late doing work that I care about towards my dream. Plus it's not all that late. I am a night person, I got the work done and I actually can still get a good night sleep.

I am excited! So gratifying to push through and get it done

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Hmmm - a bit odd that I woke up actually feeling pretty anxious, for no particular reason.

Also, looks like the video I made did not get views, so I started to doubt a bit.

I feel an urge also.


Hmmm, well I journaled a bit by hand. I suppose I'll just remind myself that emotions come and go. Also simply, I can continue to get things done even if I do not feel the best. As that will have pay offs in the future.

From experience, I bet if I get a lot done and push through by late in the day I will feel great AND just as importantly have made progress for the future.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

What a consistent pattern haha - I again woke up feeling pretty anxious and not too good, but again last night I got energized and got stuff done late at night.

Well, it's all good. I think though scheduling a bit could help, even if I am a night person I could get things done in the day.

In the past I worked out early, so I am going to start my workout ( today is planned lifting) fairly shortly.

I'll meditate, perhaps visualize, then go lift and go from there.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Check in - I actually woke up feeling better today.

Saw a therapist I have been seeing who is excellent then saw a friend after.

But I was looking at something online and ran into some pretty triggering images, surprisingly. So, just staying aware and will do extra journaling by hand later

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Just a quick check in before bed - momentum in life BUT sometimes when things go well nonsense can creep up and I did have that kind of close call.....

So going to journal by hand a tiny bit . I like to dispute the LIEs in advance

For example :

" I'll just fantasize a little bit"

That is a LIE - over and over the addiction used that as an excuse


It was so painful when I drained myself with fantasy why would I do that again?


I'll get up instead and BEAT this urge!


Basically it is a technique write down the rationalization/ lie that is a common lead in to porn or related nonsense and write down several disputes underneath it - it works quite well for me as the disputes I write really do often pop into my head when the lie thought does, so it helps keep me safe. I learned this in a really cool seminar from this addiction expert author

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Wow - I am definitely not a morning person haha. But I think more importantly it is not a big deal, thinking, so many of my best days I wake up not feeling too good.


I have pretty much always been this way, and it's alright. I am like super productive and aware at night. I feel like there is all this stuff online about disicpline, you have to get up at 4:00 yadda yadda. I actually like the late night when it is also quiet, to get things done.

Anyways, already by writing a bit I feel better AND importantly I did some exercises and meditated.

Woke up with a weird urge and ummm my penis like turtleing as if in cold water. So it is a bit mildly uncomfortable that mix of that urge that almost feels like having to pee and the like weird flatline/dead penis type of thing.

But again these are not a huge deal, getting things done, working etc is kind of key to not being too effected by emotional things.

Today I have scheduled in some stuff to get done, I have been getting things done fairly well anyway, but schedules can really help to provide structure AND I want to step up the amount of work I am putting into my projects.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Little check in: I tend to want to put qualifiers when I do things well:

Let me just celebrate I got a good amount of work done! Early in the day as planned, I also straightened up a bit and did my meditation.

Now, time to be concious of how I use my rest ( i.e don't just scroll youtube and wonder where the time went? maybe I'll eat a delicious meal, perhaps watch a brief funny cartoon in spanish and read some fiction

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Catching up on my videos a little bit! Now I am a bit ahead and have footage for a video today and for tomorrow BUT I am going to keep going! Onward to success. Cool how pushing through to progress on my projects really killed my urges today

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Had some urges last night - flashbacks even. SO - just have to be vigilant. Remind myself I can handle this but it takes WORK. So doing some more journaling and tonight I am going to spend more time reading in the living room until I get very tired, being in the bed less until tired which lessons triggers for me AND I have like 10 days , so realize I want to keep that! 10 free of fantasy too and that makes a big difference

 

[TypeN]

Had some urges last night - flashbacks even. SO - just have to be vigilant. Remind myself I can handle this but it takes WORK. So doing some more journaling and tonight I am going to spend more time reading in the living room until I get very tired, being in the bed less until tired which lessons triggers for me AND I have like 10 days , so realize I want to keep that! 10 free of fantasy too and that makes a big difference

Good stuff man — you’re so right about this, “it takes work”, in the sense of things like journalling and meditation. This realization is coming to me more lately too and I think it’s very important. Keep going, 10 days fantasy-free is inspiring! I hope I can be where you are a week from now.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

NEED TO CLEAN MY PLACE

Alright when it comes to organization and cleanliness, I am at rock bottom.

This is not like " I am disorganized" my place literally looks like a mental patient lives here. I am not kidding. I spilled a bunch of califlower rice the other day and am sitting in a chair where their is still rice on it . The stress of finding things is giving me urges and is anxiety provoking.

Basically I went through a AWFUL time early in 2022 ( starting the end of 2021 - but it got so bad I was devastated in early 2022) . Which led to me relapsing and a true severe depression for the first time in my life.

I have never been great with organizing but I got much worse and do a bit of hoarding now, like I buy the same stuff at the dollar store over and over and lose it.

I NEED to become a minimalist. Most of the stuff I have is absolutely on an emotional basis.

For example, I have two ab wheels - I used one maybe twice. I have a shoulder injury making this an awful exercise for me that I never do. One is a special one for the obliques, I have not wanted to throw out either : they need to go!


I have a bunch of resistance bands, two of them I had when my others broke, they are super long and make no sense, even as I right this in my mind there is a "but what if I need them for something" thought - nonsense!

I don't know what is contained in like so many containers I have around. So much of what I have is "just in case"
A half empty basketball I never used.
A pump to fill it.

A nerf ball, I probably have like 2-3 of the same one and last I used one of them was over a year ago.

Uggghh - and I have yet to start doing any filming.

But wow the stress and urges from this mess. It has reached a point where this has got to change.

I tell myself like - ohhh I have more important things to do.

For me - I do have severe ADHD and the ONLY way I can keep things clean is by doing things immediately. Or else it literally takes a few hours for toal caos. So do dishes before I even start eating etc.

I keep putting it off, thinking I have other things to do, rushing around.

But, no way I am losing on average at least an hour a day to the mess, and the lowered efficiency from the mental load probably makes it wayyy more.

So I need to accept - okay maybe it does take me an extra 45 min a day to keep my place not a mess ( spread out, like putting things away, not throwing on the floor etc). But I'll get the time back. For me it does take a long time to keep things nice, but at this point, seeing this bottom, it is worth it

Uggh feel like crap


EDIT: I reiterate I NEED to become a minimalist. I do not want to, I want to keep 100s of books I will never read again or books I bought on accident I have no interest in, or my game for 5 year olds in case I ever want to play it again with a girl or something.

But I NEED to become a minimalist. For the way my brain works it is the way for me to live. AND I want to start traveling and being a bit nomadic, for that it is necessary as well.

Just like many of us did not "want" to quit pmo, it gave us short term fleeting pleasure, but the downsides were too much the effects harming our lives too much, so it was time to quit.

Same with my hoarding, minimalism is the way to go.

AND - I oughta remind myself, having minimal stuff, and SPACE will clear my head and make me sooo much more productive leading me towards my goals.

Making money with my own business, having a wonderful social and dating life
and being in great shape ( all will be massively helped by getting rid of this cognitive load and stress)
will bring me a LOT more happiness then a bunch of stuff " just in case"

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Well I finished my video for the day. Feels really good to get it done, and honestly this is not the latest I have gotten it done.

I thought to myself - would I rather just make 100 videos 100 days in a row. Or make 10 videos in a row 10x over the course of a year? Better to just get the goal done the first time.


The same goes for quitting PMO better to put the work in and abstain for a year in a row ( over and over ) then to abstain for 12 days 30 times. It's the same or less work even ( early stages are tougher in everything) it just takes vigilance and discipline.

Anyways, the video I made is really different, tried to make it longer but basically did not edit it at all.

Let's see how it goes. I did enjoy basically just talking on and on. If videos like this can work, I can kill it. I really like to share ideas.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Added in visualization to my morning routine today. Visualizing makes such a difference. It just motivates me, so I pushed harder in the gym.

It is interesting, when I push harder in the gym and go to failure, I am actually less tired and sore - I don't understand it but it works ( plus I of course gain more muscle and get stronger).

I am very grateful that my gym has a sauna, I went in the sauna and also stretched.

Prior to this my mom visited and helped organized . I also have chosen a lot of stuff to throw out - what a difference. I want to make organizing and minimalism a focus for now. It's a good next step in my progress.

I have work to go out and do, I'd rather do it earlier BUT - thinking to myself to not be a perfectionist. ( it involves cold calling and I think earlier would be better) - BUT, perfect is the enemy of good and really all progress. So I'll make the calls and do it with a positive attitude! I want to make some money!