So: I think I'll write a bit more this time and use this journal to clear my head/ get thoughts out more.
So - I woke up not feeling too good. Still recovering. Yesterday I had more energy and felt good while working out - but I had micro dosed caffeine the entire day. So I am not certain how much of the not feeling good is sick - and how much is a caffeine hang over. As I can be quite sensitive to caffeine.
Thinking about it now - emotionally I did not feel very good today and felt irritable and a bit "raw" and I think that is due to the caffeine yesterday - I tend to get strong effects with caffeine, ups and downs. Strong emotions.
Anyway - I woke up and I don't remember too well the very beginning of the morning - but I aimed to schedule my day, but was getting off track a bit. While aiming to schedule I was "researching" things like possible meetups to go to - but really it ended up being too many decisions and a lot of essentially scrolling. Being honest with my self: I have become a bit compulsive with browsing lately. Quite a bit so.
Even random things like - there are these hypnosis recordings I really like that are great and a giant website with them. BUT - I notice that I want to scroll through the ones I have and go on the website and look through what they have. Like a real desire for pleasure. This may not be the worst thing in the world, but it is somewhat strong. Anyway, scheduling I think -could use less distraction. Me a pen, paper and timer are the tools that are best.
Aaaahh something important. So let me give myself credit for a big accomplishment and positive before I analyze the pitfalls.
My youtube has taken off a good bit - a good lesson here is delayed gratification as videos I made in the beggining of the year are taking off.
( note I am planning to keep the channel private/ i.e not post it here. I may start other channels in the future though.
The success:
So it took me nearly a year to get my 1st 1,000 subscribers which I achieved last Thursday. But then 9 days later -yesterday I hit 2,000. I believe I am right by 2200 now. Seems like I am gaining a bit more than 200 per a day. One of my shorts took off and is getting several 1,000 views an hour and is 300,000 views total. A cool milestone is I am almost at one million total views! I am on pace to hit that tomorrow I think - depending on when they are tallied up.
HOWEVER - 1) The vast majority of this is from one video. It is great but it will not last forever. ( though I can WORK to get additional results - but I've not been)
2) So this was quite exciting for a few days - which is great. But it led to part of my scrolling/phone checking. I am getting a subscriber like every few minutes or less -I can often refresh YouTube studio and the number will go up -so I got into check it loads and refreshing it on my phone. Kind of gambling like, I like seeing the number go up.
BUT - now it feels just like "oh cool/ normal" - like it is great and my confidence in creating successful ventures is higher BUT - basically the first days I got very excited and was just fantasizing loads about how great my success is going to be - and doing nothing to make that happen. As in - making new videos, working on ways to sell products and services etc.
At least the last few days I did a little bit. But short bits.
I think basically I have been really getting into feeling good - like it feels good to look at the numbers going up and to fantasize about how awesome things are going to be - but I start working and it is unpleasant at times lol.
Like I would get pumped work a few min, hit the tiniest snag or displeasure and stop. I think basically getting used to the pleasure and no discomfort - it's not like it was that hard the work - just like me being really sensitive to a decrease in the pleasure.
Anyway - I did not follow the schedule at all really today.
I wasted like 2 hours on youtube - did not even enjoy it , just like scrolling watching parts of things etc.
Then there was some issues in the apartment, toilet broken issues with me using too much hot water, landlord mentioning raising rent etc. She is nice and I have had it raised at all but it was stressful.
Anyways - what did help though is : I just NAPPED. I really needed it like an escape but in a HEALTHY way. At first I read a little bit which wow - a lot nicer. I have learned a million times reading can relax me for real, unlike watching youtube.
So I read a little bit - was having trouble relaxing but put on some monural beats ( just like binaural beats except you don't need to wear headphones and after awhile finally relaxed and it was great. I did 30 min, then repeated the timer and did 30 min more.
I note I am still sick but - that cleared my head a lot. Thinking now - I think some stretching would be really good for me. AND - I have all these unused class pass credits - maybe I could get a massage, I know for some people that can trigger urges, but it has not been for me in the past.
Anyway a few other notes:
Today I was feeling lonely and a bit down socially. I think I am no longer friends with two fairly long term friends. I mean to be fair, one of them it had basically ended months ago ( we had some issues, maybe I'll write to process them in future) and the other one we talked all the time and supported each other and he hasn't been taking my calls.
Brief notes on that one :
So the second friend who I have lost touch with has been a massive source of support and is a really good guy.
He is bipolar - real bipolar, I even read some articles about quitting porn and accounts where people say they feel bipolar. But no, bipolar is not that. For example, he has the milder form : I know he has been hospitalized for manic episodes, which is the norm. Basically like it is kind of like going crazy, not just being really happy. Anyways - we talk tons and I was super stressed and had a lot on my plate at the time making videos daily.
So - he had gotten annoyed at me a few times - like ignoring me. At the same time he was annoying me but I was holding it in. So - he brought up something that he was upset about with me - and to be fair to him he brought it up in a reasonable way.
But - I just wanted a break, like I felt stressed at the time making a video daily ( note to self :It was stressful but those videos I posted have resulted in my channel growing literally 50x faster than prior....)
Anyways: I felt like I needed a break and just did not want to deal with him being upset. So I blocked his number - just with the intention of waiting a bit. And I felt anxious about talking etc. so I just kept waiting. Then after a week or two - I just texted like " hey bro just been stressed with the videos and focused on that - talk soon" and he responded like great or whatever.
Anyways..... some weeks prior I had told him about my therapist and he wanted to know her name. I was hesitant but he sort of had an outburst of " you don't trust me!" ( this was on the phone) and I reluctantly told him - like I didn't want like my freaking friend seeing my therapist....
He would have weird outbursts like that sometimes about trust -odd. Hindsight maybe he was slightly manic during these months ( irritability is part of it)
Anyway - I was planning to talk to him soon, but giving it a bit of time. I have a great therapy appointment and walk out and in the waiting room there he is.....
He hugged me but then soon after said he had to work on something - I was not sure if he was still irritable/ mad ( which he had been periodically) or just focused. But I felt super freaking stressed. Like I don't want to share my therapist with a friend, like it's weird. It's a private thing.
Anyways - I was stressing about it - I told her about it. And she can't tell me specifics but said we would not run into each other again.
sigghhh. Anyways - I called a few times recently and no answers.
Also - he was aiming to take a leave from work. I'd have to talk him out of doing crazy things often and it looks like in the few weeks we did not talk he was doing something crazy.
So - I don't know if he is mad at me, manic and doing crazy shit, or that passed and he is in a down - in the past I would not hear from him for months.
Well - I feel a bit better writting it out.
