A journal

[Winnerwhoabstains]

I will say though -globally I have been a bit too irritable. Like I notice sooo many people I have met recently I immediately don't want to deal with them anymore. Mostly girls though.


For example I am taking some college classes - I started a club and made a girl the vice president, she was ignoring me for like tons of messages and calls in a row - it feels lame, like the girl treated me like I was a lame guy who wanted to date her -and she was blowing me off. But we had actual club shit to do. So I finally got annoyed and sent her a pretty nice text like " hey I feel like you don't want to be vice president but don't want to say anything" type of thing. And she sent back 3 long texts about like I was not clear about the requirements etc. it was draining to read - I texted back " no prob" and then blocked her number lol.

Basically though, like MOST of the girls at this college I have exchanged numbers with - I have blocked their numbers like super fast. I was thinking maybe I am being too rash - that was a past issue I had with dating, I'd burn bridges and cut girls too fast. I think it has resurfaced a bit. not being strategic. I posted this before but I find with women I do need to be strategic, just being totally real or authentic does not work. Like me just genuinely trying to make stuff happen for the club - the girl acted like I was a lame guy trying to get in touch with her - basically my experience has been with women of my age - it is ALWAYS game.


I think the lesson there though is : soon maybe I'll start dating again. Love him or hate him - Andrew Tate is right about some things. I have found female friendships have not really worked for me. Like I find girls that I have not had sex with are super flaky unreliable and don't seem to value me.

So 1) I do need to examine my emotions more and not cut women out so fast. 2) But the flip side of that I need to be more strategic in handling women. The fact is - ( these are attractive girls around 20) women have TONS of social value they get hit up online all the time and stuff, and they do not have the same standards of reliability and manners ( this is not hating on them, just like how things work socially imo) so like I do need to"game" them a bit to have them value my time and be responsive.

That being said : I think several of the women who came to my club, were interested in dating me, but I tried to platonically build the club and have them be a part of it, and they became super unreliable and basically fizzled out of existence in my life. I think in the future, I am just going to be a lot more aggressive and aim to date them as much as I can. I won't be in the school much longer, I don't like it much, socially it's not been great. May as well just take risks and aim to date the girls.

Another point on myself : I am a bit afraid to date. Like let me admit it.

My backstory: I was over a year P AND MO free - I was dating two girls. One of them I drove away as the addiction was coming back and was showing up in our interactions. She knew about my issue. So that ended.

Around the same time - the other girl did something and I felt my life was destroyed. It really sucked and harmed my family life. This was about September 2021. It rocked everything. It was horrible. But then it got WAY worse about a year ago. I became suicidal, like for real. Even went to the hospital once After being suicidal for some weeks - I relapsed, worse then ever. Gained weight, lost some of my good habits and gained something of a worse temper. It sucked. Like it has been a lot regaining some of my old habits and confidence and everything. Like I was constantly stressed.

But anyways - I get PIED. And the lapses and like idk all sorts of things and anxieties now I feel like it feels " so far away" dating again, bringing women home and things. I have been there before and it sucked. Plus -I feel like I am wasting time.

Anyways - I am glad I finally wrote this hear... it was on my chest I guess.

I think something I have been doing to is like avoiding real dating and setting my expectations as a fantasy. So - anyways, I am like scared of dating again and feel like odd about fitting women in my life.

ALSO - I got some medicine - which has really helped but I am like ashamed of bringing girls home or people finding out I am now taking anti anxiety med and a mild adhd med ( honestly both have been very helpful and I prob needed the adhd one long ago - it is a non stimulant)

 

[Androg]

Sorry for the rocky friendship phase. Definitely consider cutting out the mindless scrolling. It can become a porn-substitute and increase anxiety and dissatisfaction. GL.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

So, last night I fantasized. And definitely really did it.


I finished work - I felt good but was quite tired. I aimed to take a 30 minute nap then enjoy my evening. My timer DID NOT wake me up. This happened twice in a row and was quite frustrating. I woke up something like 3 hours later feeling really bad, kind of down and out of it. Felt like I no longer had time to work on YouTube videos etc.

So this has happened BOTH times this week - after work, me feeling quite tired and wanting a nap, and then ending up sleeping for multiple hours - being really upset about losing all of that time and feeling off. The first time I was less upset but this was really frustrating.

So, I think this put me out of it mentally - I just felt like upset that basically the day was now gone and I wanted to escape. So instead of doing what I looked forward to - some relaxing reading and working. I felt stressed and like I had no time and "needed to relax" so I watched random YouTube videos -that sort of scrolling. I basically did that for hours and the time disappeared EVEN MORE.


I had woken up around 8 - but after the YouTube scrolling it was about 1 almost 2 and that time went just as fast as the sleeping..... so I was quite irrational, as technically I still could of had like a solid 4 or 5 hours of evening and gotten asleep a bit earlier. Sigghhhhh.... I feel pretty mad at myself writing this and frustrated again ( don't feel too good this morning) .

So, let me be aware of that and idk.... let it go or something lol. Let me remind myself that moods and feelings come and go - I had a lapse last night, but it was a pretty mild lapse - fantasizing, the sort of lapse I am able to pull myself out of without really going to shit.

Sorry for non sequential but: what eventually led to the lapse - I went to bed, felt crappy, started fantasizing about a PARTICULAR GIRL. One I had self sabotaged a few months ago - and this particular fantasy has twice now led to fantasy. So it is very clear this particular fantasy is a trigger that leads to porn fantasy.


Anyways: This morning, so far I have had a few sips of caffeine - I am a bit worried I may be responding badly to it - as I feel a bit irritable and my head hurts.

I notice in my head the thought of " I can't take it" like I can't take a bad day today. Also I feel a bit of uncomfortable urge.

So yeah - thats how I am feeling and even right now I have a bit of an urge.

Hmmmmm.... I really don't want to as I don't feel particularly warm - but I think what will help the mood, malaise and urge - will be a cold shower. So, I'll commit to that.

I will go now, quickly use the restroom, and then take a one minute cold shower - I'll time it and I will play something good on my iphone to make it a little easier. Something like zig ziglar. Alright I'll go do that and perhaps report back in 5 min (unless maybe I get inspiration to immediately go do something else)

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Wow - cold showers are great.

To be honest it was tougher then anticipated lol - I often take them after the sauna lately - going straight in is a lot harder. Then I stepped out and just felt cold and was like " this sucks" but I noticed I was just a little more awake and aware.

And now a few min later - I feel pretty perky and happy. So I feel more excited to do things. Already thinking maybe I'll hit gym and do sauna etc. So yeah - that was cool and I want to remember it. I basically wrote out my feelings then came to a solution.

Also - I had FORGOTTEN the urge as I was writing lol. Let alone it being gone. Okay time to move on a bit with day

 

[Androg]

Sometimes I think addictions make us screw up in some way (like napping too long) so we have an excuse to get angry...and relapse into an unhealthy behavior. In this way, we're subconsciously "rewarding" ourselves for screwing up. Are we incentivizing screw ups??

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Sometimes I think addictions make us screw up in some way (like napping too long) so we have an excuse to get angry...and relapse into an unhealthy behavior. In this way, we're subconsciously "rewarding" ourselves for screwing up. Are we incentivizing screw ups??

I think you are absolutely right. That is some really good food for thought.

I also notice how that screw up feeds itself - excess rest seems to lead me to wanting to rest more. For example, I just did a real short workout then was in the sauna, much of it laying down resting. Then I get home and feel like I need to lay down more....

Reminder to myself that feelings are not necessarily "correct" it is BEAUTIFUL out and had been bad weather before. I have plans for later but how about I get out of the house real soon?

I plan to perhaps write another quick post/ catch here a bit. Sip some tea, do the hypnosis that I have and then head out soon after to enjoy the day! I can always do work and things outside

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

First I want to start with some positives/ things I did well:

I went back and forth on email and was able to get myself back $21 as a refund!

I received a letter today that I thought was something bad, but I totally kept my cool and acted logically. ( also great that it turned out the letter was a total non issue)

I selected a helpful book to read in the sauna and did a bit of reading. I also enjoyed the reading and got really focused and into it, which is great.

 

[TakeActionNow]

First I want to start with some positives/ things I did well:

I went back and forth on email and was able to get myself back $21 as a refund!

I received a letter today that I thought was something bad, but I totally kept my cool and acted logically. ( also great that it turned out the letter was a total non issue)

I selected a helpful book to read in the sauna and did a bit of reading. I also enjoyed the reading and got really focused and into it, which is great.

This is what a good reboot journal looks like.
Focusing on the good in your life so that there's no need to find flase synthetic feel goods any more.

On top of your excellent self recognition, please also add rewards to yourself so that it becomes a virtuous cycle.
Rewards of things done well could be
A good meal
A hot bath
A walk into the park
A moment journalling or helping others.

Reboot is not just abstinence
It is about restoring recognition and rewards in daily life.

You got this

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

This is what a good reboot journal looks like.
Focusing on the good in your life so that there's no need to find flase synthetic feel goods any more.

On top of your excellent self recognition, please also add rewards to yourself so that it becomes a virtuous cycle.
Rewards of things done well could be
A good meal
A hot bath
A walk into the park
A moment journalling or helping others.

Reboot is not just abstinence
It is about restoring recognition and rewards in daily life.

You got this

Wow - thanks so much! This affirmation is really helpful and gets me thinking I can do it again!

Today some things that went well:

I had a really good therapy appointment, I learned a lot and took notes.
I just finished a youtube video
I started conversations with several people today
I had fun playing some volleyball
I did some yoga even though I did not feel like it ( enjoyed it!)
I noticed I am gaining some flexibility

Hmmm - to reward myself..........

I will either :

Watch some south park in spanish
or read some of the happiness advanage or the lord of the rings

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Phew - a lil tired but had a good day. ( wow thinking cool that I feel that way!)

Worked a lot - but was told I am on thin ice. I am doing this dog walking gig. I am real good with dogs, but one of them lost a freaking scarf, the dog owner is upset. Plus I had to wait for the guy who runs the company with a dog - I love dogs and was on the ground chilling with the dog ( in a hallway, but it was empty) and he is upset that it makes the company look bad.


Plus, to be fair I have made a few errors with forgetting where thins are. Basically I have strengths and weaknesses. I am very good with big strong stubborn dogs and getting dogs to walk. As I am good at calmly leading them, and I am physically very strong - basically so I can keep them on track but without "jerking them" or being emotional. For example - this one dog is big and stubborn and try's to stop walking.

But when he stops - I just keep walking forward holding the leash in my hand, he wear's a harness and eventually the force picks him up off the ground. So it's not like I am upset, trying to jerk or pull him or chastising him. It's just like a physical force is pulling him back to his feet and ahead when he try's to stop/lay down. But I am totally calm and just walking forward and encouraging as soon as he starts - so it's not like a battle of wills or getting the dog upset.

It's really satisfying because the dog then got into walking and barely would slow down or stop and we got a good pace going - and I believe it actually makes the dog a lot happier. Like getting them into traveling pack mode, and this and another dog I do similar with a rescues with some fears and stuff - but when I can lead them and get them looking straight ahead and walking a long, it's like you can see their confidence go up.

And then like people were smiling at the dog and wanting to go near him, and a woman even exclaimed " so cute!" real gratifying and I was kind of proud. Cause he is a big mix that clearly has some pitbull in him and when he looks scared or like resistant on the leash, the reaction would be totally different I think.

But getting him walking a long confidently and happily it's like oh, here is this cute happy confident dog. So it's pretty cool.


Anyway - did not expect that tangent to go so long - so I guess I really do like the dogs. And I have a particular strength. I like the strong big dogs and am good with sturdy dogs that may not behave well on the leash. Because I am good at calmly leading them and using physicality ( again totally as a means of motion and direction, not punishment or anything or annoyance). But I am not so great with the some of the little dogs, that are just like spoiled where I'd be worried to hurt them and idk honestly how you deal with them. Nothing against little dogs, I think it is the type of owner and how they are treated, but the issue is the big dogs either have like trauma issues, maybe pull or maybe don't want to walk. But I can solve all of them just by getting the dog walking and just being strong to keep them on track. - basically like if they try and stop, pull, move off line they physically can't, but there is not a jerk or anything. So they just fall into walking well and get into it.

So I have a strength but do acknowledge where the issues would come from with the job in terms of the business side/ detail oriented side.
-
When I got the negative feedback I was upset at first - and annoyed and really taken a back and it hurt my confidence as I feel I am particularly great with dogs honestly. ( the main thing was laying down with the dog - understandable and this super spoiled shit bag dog , the owner tied a bandana on the dog and it was windy as hell and I guess it blew away and I had no clue ).


But anyways - I had several ideas and now that I am calm have a few - the main one being, just doing some dog walking independently, I could just take on a small amount of dogs, for enjoyment and keeping myself a float. I could probably work at a slower pace - focusing on the dog and being able to be slow in dressing the dog, putting things back, organizing etc. ( things I end to mess up and have great difficulty doing fast) and I have several ideas related to this and in in-between options

First let me give myself some credit( my therapist is great and has really been helping me see my strengths) :

I am very liked by dogs, I am calm with dogs and good at like calm energy with dogs. I certainly have abilities with dogs and have certain types that I can handle real well that can be hard for others.

I also am pretty good at sales and quite good at approaching people. I took a marketing class last year, and the professor told me " I have a mind for marketing" and recommended me for several full time jobs so it's not like it was pure bs. AND - I got over 800,000 views on youtube this month so I do have some ability to market or get people's attention for sure.

I feel nervousness and doubt acknowledging that, but getting used to acknowledging my skills and strengths and like viewing it as I really am the kind of person who can be successful is something to grow into. Anyway, the ideas:



1) The dog walking company has relationships with a local doggie cafe and groomer who is there. The relationships are all solid - anyway - they were talking about this new big luxury building and there being lots of opportunity there, they are planning a big event on april 14th to do demonstrations, offer discounts etc. So, I could simply go to the building before hand and aim to create relationships for a few dog owner's and the doormen first.

2) The dog walking company owner pointed out a building to me that they used to work a lot and said was good for business but do not anymore - that is another solid lead for me to hit up.

( note I have ZERO issue taking business from him and owe him NOTHING it was made clear to me I can be fired, not kept on if not best for him, or fired in the future if I made mistakes - an employer is not family and does not treat me as such, they treat me as if they owe me nothing, and I in turn owe him nothing)


3 ( marketing ideas) : I have several ideas for marketing angles:


1) I started off with a company but it was too business oriented, I want to develop relationships with the dogs, I am okay with going overtime with them etc. I do this for love ( to compete with them as a business)

2) Market as a specialist, specializing in big/ difficult dogs.

3) I have an idea for another angle for my dog walking service that will totally separate me from him, I don't think anyone else is doing it AND it'll be very hard to compete with in my opinion. It also ties in to another business idea I have. Sorry, if this seems lame but I have a buiness angle that I think is unique as I am planning to apply it to this and another business and I trust you all here, but I don't want to put it out on the internet lol.

It'll eat into profits, but working individually I believe I could eat the cost. But if a company with employees ( where the money has to be spread between profit and salary, it'd be much harder to match what I am doing) so it'd give me a big competitive edge.



I also have some ideas of using the possibility of me working individually as leverage to keep this job OR maybe to work out some kind of deal of working together in some way, where I am fairly independent. But that could be a bit of a pipe dream.

Well. I'd say for now, let me focus on actions. ( one is unrelated )

1) Spend an hour or two just drafting up a flyer or two and business cards - with my marketing angles. - so I have them and they are ready , so if I am let go, I don't get too dejected OR pumped up. Dejected could lead to just not doing anything and not wanting to go into business for myself. To pumped up I could be all mad and all excited about competing and " taking him out"and angry, but then not actually execute. So I'll aim to be calm. Let's see how the next weeks in the job go, and if it is does not work, have my pitch and materials ready and aim to get a client or a few ASAP, to keep money coming in.

2) ... actually that is kind of it, but maybe I'll add in other items to do not related to this job


1) Look into getting some extensions for school work I did not do.
2) Approach women tomorrow to get dates
3) Finish a youtube video OR TWO tomorrow
4) Take actions to handle my school club and plan to make it great next week

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Hmmm - been procrastinating on posting. I fantasized about porn the last two nights - which is real dangerous.
Also it is a lapse in terms of fantasy

I am I think close to 3 weeks abstinent of MO and P.
But I have fantasized about P 4 times during that time. When I avoid the fantasy , I start getting morning wood - which is a great sign.
Having an activity to do in bed really helps with the fantasizing - I think best is keep it simple, easy and enjoyable ( yet healthy) so I’d like to get back into some fiction reading and I think a nice 30-60 min resding before bed can be a great end to the day.
ALSO I got a great color changing light bulb - with a remote, so I can make it red, so I can read but it “feels” dark / puts me to sleep
And I can just press the button to turn it off.

So I can read and relax until I am basically falling asleep - finally I can play monural
Beats on a timer from ipad which feel great and will put me to sleep

basically a whole sleep routine to replace the bad habit - with a healthy good habit.

and like vs like. Fantasy is an attempt to relax often.
And this is a relaxing scenario.

also - the dog walking seemed to go well - glad I had the plan B, but looked good today.
So fingers crossed.

Also - I think the dog walking is super healthy mentally. Like getting all this affection but it is totally nonsexual. Also walking with the dogs - I walked two today and I really did feel like idk - part of a group lol.
I think dogs can add like extra to my social life lol

 

[TypeN]

Hmmm - been procrastinating on posting. I fantasized about porn the last two nights - which is real dangerous.
Also it is a lapse in terms of fantasy

I am I think close to 3 weeks abstinent of MO and P.
But I have fantasized about P 4 times during that time. When I avoid the fantasy , I start getting morning wood - which is a great sign.
Having an activity to do in bed really helps with the fantasizing - I think best is keep it simple, easy and enjoyable ( yet healthy) so I’d like to get back into some fiction reading and I think a nice 30-60 min resding before bed can be a great end to the day.
ALSO I got a great color changing light bulb - with a remote, so I can make it red, so I can read but it “feels” dark / puts me to sleep
And I can just press the button to turn it off.

So I can read and relax until I am basically falling asleep - finally I can play monural
Beats on a timer from ipad which feel great and will put me to sleep

basically a whole sleep routine to replace the bad habit - with a healthy good habit.

and like vs like. Fantasy is an attempt to relax often.
And this is a relaxing scenario.

also - the dog walking seemed to go well - glad I had the plan B, but looked good today.
So fingers crossed.

Also - I think the dog walking is super healthy mentally. Like getting all this affection but it is totally nonsexual. Also walking with the dogs - I walked two today and I really did feel like idk - part of a group lol.
I think dogs can add like extra to my social life lol

The stuff you're doing to set better natural rhythms (the bulbs, the soothing sounds) sounds like a great idea, and I bet it will make a difference in your sleep quality. I've been doing something similar with turning my bright lights off and having my blocking software turn off my computer a few hours before bed.

If you don't already have something like it, Flux is a great app for adjusting screen brightness/redness based on how close it is to bedtime.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Great stuff thanks man! Uggggh - I'd really like to get more consistent posting on here. Been a lot going on and not feeling too great - but that is more reason to post.

Well at least I am doing SOMETHING now and checking in

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Also random thing - did Optimize55 disappear? I noticed his posts disappeared even in my thread here - I can see I had quoted here but the posts disappeared - I did not even know that was possible. Unless I was blocked by him or something - but I don't see any reason that would have happened, as we've had all good interactions. Bummer if the dude left and deleted everything somehow. I had been on this forum LONG in the past and people really do disappear quite a bit - well can only hope them the best and hope they are able to recover via other means. ( or who knows come back under different names or something)

 

[TypeN]

Great stuff thanks man! Uggggh - I'd really like to get more consistent posting on here. Been a lot going on and not feeling too great - but that is more reason to post.

Well at least I am doing SOMETHING now and checking in

I know the feeling. Maybe allowing yourself to make shorter posts would help you post more frequently? I know I have a tendency to want to write long ones, and that makes me procrastinate actually coming to do them because of the effort that it takes to organize my thoughts.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

You are right - committing to posting daily is important. Unfortunately I have been lapsing since the day of the post. Lapsing with mo no P at least - but fantasizing about it during the mo.

Okay - I need to make and keep some commitments.

Let's start with I'll post today twice ____ and tomorrow ( wends) and thursday I'll post - so three days in a row, starting small

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

As promised here is my second entry for today.

Today - was a pretty good day. I followed my schedule which is huge. I even did a small amount of extra stuff - finishing something early then got an extra task done.

I printed up some flyers to aim to get some dog walking clients for myself - note, I feel some doubt and nervousness about trying to get clients - but why? Or more importantly that is okay - no matter what happens with it, it is good for me to go out and put up a flyer or two and try to get some clients. I made the flyers, so may as well use them.

Today - I can choose to abstain and start to rebuild my energy, drive and happiness

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Alright post for the day - yesterday I was tempted but did not MO or fantasize. Honestly I didn't do much - I had rationalizations to do it, but barely wanted to. But, it is nice to get that first day behind me.

Slept well, I read a little bit of a nice fiction book this morning and just did a little bit of practice learning how to do animation, which I am learning and I am confident will help me in my video creation projects.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Bit of a check in - just worked out. I focused on high reps, as I was a bit tight and thought it'd be nice on my joints as well.

I spent a lonnngg time in the sauna ( but meditatied, did some visualizing) then took a cold shower - I feel calm but a bit tired after.

I just ate some good healthy food. I planned to do some work stuff, but I am a bit concerned I may be behind schedule. Hmmm - I think I can get it done.

 

[TypeN]

Excellent -- you're doing lots of good, healthy activities. Good stuff. I think this regular posting style suits your goals like you were hoping it would, too. I feel like this kind of consistency is useful for maintaining accountability.