My current state of mind + crossdressing/sissy

[midlife-survivor]

Hello,

I've posted on here many a times in the past and I'm still struggling (as most of us are).

I've had an on/off relationship with porn since I was 15, some days its ok and somedays it just keeps eating away at me.

I've recently been having counselling for school childhood trauma (that has recently been jolted to the front of my mind) - a memory so painful that I burried it as soon as the incident happened as I was too young and of no understanding of really what had happened.

Essentially without going into too much detail, I was forced into giving a boy in the year above me at school a BJ (literally forced my face that way) whilst other boys held me down to stop squirming.

As horrific as that incident was, my brain didn't know how to process it and so I decided to hide it and not tell anyone as I was 12 - anyways enough of that.

This is what got me into counselling recently as as-well as this my Porn Habit majorly got back into gear again recently (coping mechanism I suspect).

I only enjoy watching the end of porn scenes where ONLY if it ends with an oral subject.

Of recent years I've been more into sissy porn and regetabbly have enjoyed crossdressing and fantasising that I'm the girl in the scene that I'm watching.

Whilst I've never met anyone, I've setup profiles on crossdressing sites and chatted to other CD/TV people about meeting to fulfil the fantasy of giving head.

I don't know whether this is a weird way of my brain trying to make sense of what happened at school - I've had thoughts in my head saying, you need to create a new memory to better replace the bad old memory.

I know when I'm MO'ing and in that hyper sexualised state everything feels so euphoric however once I've O'd you hit a flatline and you're like "what the hell am I doing"!

I know this is just the porn talking to me and making me crazy - it's so messed up it really is.

Not much else to say but wondering if anyone else have had similar thoughts.

 

[LUCAS VIEIRA]

I've been through the same situation, in the case of pornography, apologies if I spell it wrong, because English is not my native language.

I had similar thoughts as I also watched this type of pornography.

I believe that in your case, viewing pornography is a way for your brain to get rid of your childhood traumas, thus strengthening this fetish.

The best way to overcome this trauma, maybe, is to observe your thoughts, do meditations, I believe that facing the problem and not hiding the problem with more pornography is the right thing to do, that's what worked for me

 

[Welsh guy]

Hi I to went through similar incident when I was younger probably but younger than yourself and I think this is what has started me in my porn addiction to the stage where things have crossed a line but I am dealing with this issue

 

[Jlied]

My story is kind of similar to yours, I wasn’t forced to perform oral but I had a friend who hit puberty before me and asked me to Jack him off or suck his dick a lot. He never told me he wouldn’t be my friend if I didn’t but I was afraid he’d be mad if I didn’t so I always obliged. He never returned the favor but as I hadn’t hit puberty yet I didn’t really care either. I was probably in 6th grade when this happened so I was similar in age to you as well. Fast forward into my late teens and early 20’s is when I’d say the roots of my addiction began much like everyone else I assume, images turn into videos, videos become more graphic, kinks and fetishes emerge and before I know it I’m acting out with other me giving them hand jobs or blowjobs and not wanting anything in return. Going into chat rooms and having men humiliate me and tel me what they would do to me if I was there and like you pretending I’m the woman in the clips getting the money shot in or on me. Fantasizing about well hung men having sex with my wife or her cheating on me were other negative thoughts I entertained. I think some of it is child hood trauma but I think some is also porn twisting or thinking when it comes to what is normal and what is not. I can say confidently now that I have been working on my addiction over the years the draw to that life style has faded as long as I’m not feeding it.

i have found great success in abstaining from porn and these thought after cutting masturbation out of my life. I still need to work on some inner demons but at the bed of the day any process is good process. Just know you aren’t alone in what you are experiencing as I’m sure many many men have similar stories.

 

[k-fff]

Hello,

I've posted on here many a times in the past and I'm still struggling (as most of us are).

I've had an on/off relationship with porn since I was 15, some days its ok and somedays it just keeps eating away at me.

I've recently been having counselling for school childhood trauma (that has recently been jolted to the front of my mind) - a memory so painful that I burried it as soon as the incident happened as I was too young and of no understanding of really what had happened.

Essentially without going into too much detail, I was forced into giving a boy in the year above me at school a BJ (literally forced my face that way) whilst other boys held me down to stop squirming.

As horrific as that incident was, my brain didn't know how to process it and so I decided to hide it and not tell anyone as I was 12 - anyways enough of that.

This is what got me into counselling recently as as-well as this my Porn Habit majorly got back into gear again recently (coping mechanism I suspect).

I only enjoy watching the end of porn scenes where ONLY if it ends with an oral subject.

Of recent years I've been more into sissy porn and regetabbly have enjoyed crossdressing and fantasising that I'm the girl in the scene that I'm watching.

Whilst I've never met anyone, I've setup profiles on crossdressing sites and chatted to other CD/TV people about meeting to fulfil the fantasy of giving head.

I don't know whether this is a weird way of my brain trying to make sense of what happened at school - I've had thoughts in my head saying, you need to create a new memory to better replace the bad old memory.

I know when I'm MO'ing and in that hyper sexualised state everything feels so euphoric however once I've O'd you hit a flatline and you're like "what the hell am I doing"!

I know this is just the porn talking to me and making me crazy - it's so messed up it really is.

Not much else to say but wondering if anyone else have had similar thoughts.

Something to read about in regards to the cross dressing and other fetishes.

 

[Jlied]

View attachment 729Something to read about in regards to the cross dressing and other fetishes.

Thanks for sharing this, it’s heartbreaking and informative to read things like this for perspective. While I never got to that level of thinking or putting things into action it’s important to realize that left unchecked it’s hard for anyone to try truly know just how far their addiction can take them.

 

[k-fff]

Thanks for sharing this, it’s heartbreaking and informative to read things like this for perspective. While I never got to that level of thinking or putting things into action it’s important to realize that left unchecked it’s hard for anyone to try truly know just how far their addiction can take them.

Yea, it’s very sad to read about these things and people realizing after irreversible changes that it was their porn addiction and fetishes developed.