..and now I'm not sure what to do with my hands


New Member
Day 2 p free!

I feel like this isn't the first time I've tried this, but thought it would be a useful to give myself sometime more interesting to do with my hands.

Not really sure where to go from here.

Married, Dad, 33.

Not a lot time for hobbies after the kids were born, unless it's digital and XXX.

I've been actively looking at porn since I was able to learn about hiding digital images from my parents. As most people here know, it starts out with innocent photo here or there. Over the course of the last 15+ years, it's gone beyond just watching it, but secretly making my own content. My 30s have been really hard (not that my 20s were any easier) so my addition to p has been a little bit off the charts. Married with kids and found that, especially during the pandemic, I was fapping during working hours, planning my days around it, and avoiding new responsibilities.

More recently, I started fapping only to be subtly being satisfied. It lost it luster. I lost that swagger. I hadn't experienced those blissful I-love-being-a-man aftermaths in so long I thought that it was something only young men experience.

After a wasted day binging P, I came across a AoM article and was inspired to ... grab the bull by the horns. I believe that P isn't that great and young men (and even boys) need to know that it's a real (day I say, 'universal') male struggle. To help set the example for my sons and nephews I think that it's important to go through the work and break free of the addition. I gotta call it out: I am addicted to porn.
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Respected Member
Bman5000, welcome to RN.

What you've decided to do today is an heroic act, both for you and your family.

"Every time a man says no to porn, an angel in heaven gets his wings."
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New Member
Day 3

"Three days no porn."

It seems like it should be more difficult. This idea crossed my mind a lot, however. So maybe this is just part of my journey. I like reading on here about how everyone's journey is different as well as the route to get there. I wonder how widespread the porn problem is through out male society. I wonder, without getting too political, just how much just how much influence over our day-to-day lives.

I had a couple thoughts to share after my first committed day here.

1. Marital Relations: The ultimate goal of this process is to really focus my sexual energy more toward my wife and less to Google. I'd like to think of myself with a healthy libido and would like to improve that aspect of my masculinity with my wife. I'm not 100% sure how that's going to play out... Or, honestly how she's going to even appreciate the additional attention. This will be a developing component to my reboot.

2. MO'ing: I've unsuccessfully tried nofap before and honestly thought, "this is not for me." I have no intention on stopping that aspect of my life. I, however, am curious about its influence of my reboot. From what I read, it seems like rebooting in conjunction with pent-up urges will improve that desirable goal with my wife. I think this will rewire my brain that "mommy and daddy time" is the dopamine fix I was supplementing with porn. While I'll later be sure to experiment with MOing in a marriage later, for this experience, I'll abstain from MO.

I did MO yesterday, but did not use porn or pornographic images to influence it. Instead, I focused inward and would rate it...a thumbs up. It was after this, I decided to hold of for the reeboot. This was, however, a good reminder that I can enjoy the experience without a digital clutch and look forward to the growth - no pun intended.

3. Bros before.... respected female companions: Pondering the idea of opening up about my reboot to a buddy. When we were teenagers, we made a similar 30-day challenge. It was a young man's game that was lost very quickly. I feel like he would understand a bit more than your average joe. He recently made a passing comment that seemed less like a joke and more like a statement - Something like "I don't think porn is good." This threw me off as I thought he was quite the connoisseur. We've been friends forever and have see each other in an array of compromised situations. We absolutely have the kind of relationship that shouldn't make the conversation akward. Especially after digging through others threads, I think it's important to admit together that men like porn and addiction is easy. We as men must take ownership, recognize , and openly discuss the problems created by our own sexuality.


New Member
Day 4

It was quite the day. My wife just had a sour attitude all day because she had been home with the kids. While I understand how draining they can be... Working a job that I hate, and then having to deal with another person's bad attitude just sets me off in the wrong ways.

When she does this, the kids mimic this behavior and that just add fuel to the fire. I was just got so mad at all of them. Thinking about how if you guys just were nicer, we'd all be in a better mood. But, such is life. Or at least, such is my life.

I took the screaming children on a walk because I just couldn't be around her anymore. During the walk, I began my first negative spiral about stopping my porn consumption. Thoughts like, "what's the point?!" and "Why am I even doing this...? Do I even want to live my life with these people?" continued to run through my brain with no end in sight.

Thinking about the reboot frequently probably brought it to the forefront of my mind. I was just angry and wanted to do something rebellious. I felt almost like a child throwing a tantrum.

"I'm mad. I can't do this thing. I'm going to do this bad thing."

I know going on a walk and taking a time out was a good choice because it reaffirmed my choice to reboot. I was triggered, as the youths say. I identified a bad behavior, and considered executing on it out of spite. The endorphin-induced time away helped me recognize the emotional pull porn has on me and I saw the spiral beginning.

When I returned, I had a tiny sense of achievement. But I also had an "a ha" moment: I *am* addicted to porn. Holy moly.

On a positive note, the frustration led to apologies and that led to sex. I'm obviously feeling really positive this morning but it really comes down to the fact that I made a good choice and that was rewarded. Usually, I would've already PMO'd by bedtime and orcastrated a mediocre performance as best. But since I had abstained that day, I was more than enthusiastic to be with her. It was our first time together in a while and that was really...nice.

Ive read a lot on this website with married men about how the day after sex is a rough one only because it can increases those male urges. I tell you what, 'rough' is an understatement. I've def had some B.D.E which is both good and bad for my reboot. Don't really know how else to describe it but I almost can feel my body wanting porn as a reward for my not watching porn. Additionally, I'm voluntarily not MO'ing so it's extra difficult. I need to step away now and meditate to recenter my energy. Wish me luck, haha.


New Member
Oops, I forgot to post some stuff.

Typically, I journal throughout the day on a phone app to a) give me something else to do on my phone. And b) to capture my feelings in real time while giving myself the opportunity to edit my grammar.

Here are my notes for the weekend.

Day 5

Still nothing bad to report! This is really going well for me.

I told my buddy about it and thought it was interesting concept. Nothing more on that regard really. Like I mentioned earlier. Nothing too crazy on that front.

Mrs and I and really taking to this new awareness really well. We've had a couple good days as a married couple - both in the bedroom and out. Admittingly, have an outlet really helps with reboot. We'll see how I do when I don't have such a supportive... copilot.

There was a couple instances yesterday where I could feel urges to watch porn. I am more concius about these urges and recognize feeling to watch porn moreso than ever before. That, id say, is really important on this journey.

I was also able to recognize a couple of triggers from social media that sparked some urges. It started with an innocent photo. And then like dominos, I felt myself wanting to see her in a swimsuit. Then, I could picture myself searching deep for similar but more risque photos. I just knew and felt that it would lead to pornographic videos. It was surreal to watch the dots connect like that. It felt like an out of body experience or someone tapping me on the shoulder as a warning. I did snap out of it and, again, a good reminder that this addiction is real.

Day 6 and 7
So busy. This is going to be short. We reorganized the house. I was finally able to build the home gym I was trying to build all year. I set up some things so my wife can actutdo something. I'm feeling really positive about all this because I was able to work out for the first time in MONTHS. LIKE AT LEAST SINCE MARCH. Im feeling really good. And I have a favorable amount of urges in the right arenas. It's been so nice to keep busier. There's been a couple moments where I've thought about porn. I've had to diligently think about personal experiences in lieu of it to bring me back to center. Only once did I have to take a freezing cold shower to help bing me back to center. But, I'll tell you what gentleman, that worked like a charm.