My Journey

Crossling

Member
Ugh. Where to being. I have written, erased and re-written some type of introduction to my situation probably half a dozen times now. It is difficult to provide details of the situation without feeling like I am oversharing. I suppose that is primarily because I have never been super comfortable about talking through this stuff. Literally just had the conversation with my wife of 15 years this week and even that felt awkward (because of my view on the subject, not because of any judgement from her.)

I was a teenager in the early 2000's so I didn't have access to the high speed porn that can destroy worlds until I had left home and was on my own. So, from 18 on I got more and more acquainted with it. Started I think where most guys start with lesbian stuff but I can say with relative certainty that that type of video does almost nothing for me now. Still get very turned on if my wife kisses another (attractive) woman, but watching any videos is just boring. My wife and I have been together for 15 years (married 8.) My tastes, over time, escalated to both lifestyle videos (threesomes, foursomes, spouse sharing, etc) as well as female public acts. Either sexual or nudity. Since I was with my girlfriend/wife when found these particular kinks exciting, I brought it up from time to time. Essentially asking if she would go braless in public, or have a friend (male or female) over for a threesome. Initially hesitating about it she eventually agreed. We now frequent a nude beach in our state whenever the weather permits and have been a part of the lifestyle for the past 4-5 years.

I have two particular issues that I am now dealing with. The first, which has always been there, is DE. Being the foolish boy I was, when we first had sex and it wasn't super easy for her to get me to orgasm I just thought good of it, because that meant I would never be the one to finish first. Well, over time it got worse and worse until eventually (within the past year or so) the odds of me finishing without having the take the reins myself, so to speak, got very small. In addition to that, because of the relative lack of sensation during actual sex, my erections wouldn't last as long as they had in the past. So our sessions would usually end with her on top (because it was a sure fire way for her to finish) before I was pushing rope. The second issue started in the past couple of years. It was random during one of our mfm threesomes where we were attempting DP for the first time, but I couldn't stay hard long enough to successfully pull it off. Over time, it slowly spilled into any of our "extracurricular" activities. I would usually get hard at the start, and if I was handling myself, but if I tried to do anything that was actually sexual I would be good for a few thrusts before stuff went south again. My wife and I recently started the conversation surrounding a somewhat open marriage. We both have people in our lives that we have some fondness towards. I was successful in courting the woman that I had my eye on. She has been a friend for sometime and we like a lot of the same things. I figured this situation would be different because any of the other women that we had been involved with weren't REALLY my cup of tea, but what the hell, it's a threesome. I assumed I subconsciously wasn't really interested in them so my penis followed suit. With this woman in particular, however, that couldn't have been further from the truth. We had essentially been circling each other for 2-3 years. When we were finally in a position to do something about it, we started with a little foreplay and then went for it. Similar to to the prior times, I was good for a few pushes and then nothing. She picked up immediately and asked if she made me nervous (she abso-fucking-lutely did), but eventually that graduated to her thinking I didn't actually want to fuck her. Following that situation, I touched base with my doctor and got some sildenifil as I didn't want that to happen again. I used 20mg 30 minutes before sex with my wife and it was fantastic. Wasn't at half mast 30 minutes in. Fun was had by all. The second time I used it, I was rock solid for about 20 minutes before dropping down to like 80%. A little concerning, but still able to do what I needed to. The third time, I doubled the dose (with the knowledge of what happened the prior time at the forefront of my mind) but the same thing happened, but faster. Finally I decided to take 3-4 days off porn and masturbation before giving it a go again. And the same damn thing happened.

So at this point I am freaking out because I have a pill that is supposed to keep me hard and it isn't working. Messaged my Dr. to see wtf was going on. He said if 100mg of Sildenifil doesn't work the next step would be daily cialis, but before we do that he wants me to keep trying and improve my physical and mental health. So I took to the internet and found the Your Brain on Porn book and am almost through it. Then I found this forum.

The struggle I am having is that I know there are aspects of my situation that are caused by my affinity for P&M, and I know to a certain extent that I have performance anxiety. So I read the book and understand that I essentially need to detox. So I have gone 5 days so far with nothing. The first four days seemed easy in comparison to today. Though I haven't visited a porn site since I struck out on my journey, I have absolutely looked at pictures of my wife. During our sexcapades, whether it be her wearing a see through shirt in public, or us having sex with another guy/girl, I would take pictures or video (with everyone's permission) to be able to enjoy the moment again at some point (essentially making my own porn). I wouldn't consider my situation unique in anyway, but the challenge for me isn't necessarily going to be staying away from websites, it is going to be me treating the photos and videos I have of our interactions like others treat hardcore porn. Even taking the public nudity out of the equation, my wife and I are definitely emersed in the lifestyle now. We enjoy each other as we enjoy others. So stepping away from porn that reflects kinks that we absolutely have will be easy, but not thinking about those kinks, as it seems like the book suggests, is going to be near impossible. Curious if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if it drastically affected 1) your ability to stay on target regarding your reboot and 2) Delayed or halted your ability to truly fully recover.

Regarding the performance anxiety, I am assuming/hoping, since I have been overall desensitized to actual sex because of my P&M, that even with the notion of being granted the permission to have sex with another woman on the table, I still don't get super excited about sex and see it as an act I am essentially sitting on the sideline for. So I am seriously hoping that rebooting will help in that regard as well. I am terrified but also almost certain that it is all in my head. I am terrified because things in my head have traditionally been there to stay. But I've read the book. I've joined the forum. I am speaking with a therapist to find solutions for my general anxiety and I have started practicing mindful meditation to help keep me from spiraling when I am in extramarital situations and actually be present in the moment and enjoy the sensations, etc. so that I will get traditionally aroused instead of just telling my penis "this is what we are doing now."

I know that I am taking the right steps but also kicking myself for not identifying the issue before is actually affected my ability to have sex.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Hey! Welcome!

Well, your situation is super different from mine so I don't have that much to say right now. The only thing that immediately comes to my mind is that maybe you are too focused on climaxing? I think we really are trained to think that sex isn't good unless we climax. Which is total BS in my view. Sex should be about the journey - that should be the goal - not the little squirt at the end. Enjoying what's happening between you and your partner (or partners in your case). So my one suggestion would be to stop worrying about climaxing or how hard you are and instead just enjoy the moment and actually consciously NOT climax for a while. Just stop when you're done feeling the surge of energy and hold it till next time...

There's lots of literature on this, though I haven't read it so can't recommend anything. I sort of discovered myself that I actually really like not climaxing and holding that energy from one time to the next...
 

Crossling

Member
Thanks for the feedback and insight, Simon.

Honestly I would be totally fine needing to finish myself every time as it has allowed me to spend our sexy time focusing on my partner. Yes, it would do a lot more for my wife's self confidence if she could make me finish every time, but I have no problem forgoing the climax. Ultimately my primary concern right now, which is why I am reading the book, joining in on this forum and practicing mindfulness meditation, is because of the ED issues. It is still relatively new to me. In the past few years it has happened a handful of times and primarily with other partners. But last week I allowed it to spill into my sex life with my wife, which I feel further points to it being an anxiety thing. Of the two issues I mentioned, DE and ED, the ED is my primary concern. If I could never ejaculate during sex again but could have no worry that I won't get/stay erect, I would take that all day every day.

I have a few weeks until I am allowing myself to have sex again, but will certainly try your suggestion. Thanks again!
 

Crossling

Member
8 days in. Definitely some temptation to log on and look at stuff. I was successful in avoiding that, though I did look at an image or two from my wife and I's private stuff. Getting better at pushing those cravings back. Still no self care. Find myself day dreaming from time to time about scenarios (born of my porn preferences) that I try to nip in the bud. Historically would get aroused even when thinking on it for a few moments, but there is no reaction. Definitely having more sexual dreams in the last few days than I historically would have. Waking up with at least partial erections. Thinking about just regular sex with my wife (or anyone really) does little to nothing for me at the moment. Will see what the next week brings, I suppose.
 

Crossling

Member
9 days in. At least for the moment the temptation to look at or do anything sexual has almost completely dissipated. The thoughts I was having earlier in the week that were kind of like flash backs to images and videos that I have of us and friends are near non-existent. The thought pops into my head that they exist, but I am able to push them away relatively readily. At least for now. Certainly curious and maybe a little worried about how long it is going to take for me to just enjoy thinking about regular sex. I was targeting 3-4 weeks with no PMO at all, but it is seeming more and more likely that I am still not going to have interest in it when that time comes around.
 

Crossling

Member
12 days in. Came across spicy Instagram photos yesterday while scrolling through. This typically would have caused me to then progress into my usual sites, etc. But it didn't.

Today, however, I am feeling a very strong urge to simply look at one of the sites. I have faith in my ability to not lapse on the M portion of PMO if I were to visit the site. But I know that it is just going to perpetuate my affinity for sexual situations that resemble that preference and keep me from progressing towards enjoying normal sexual situations.

Headed to the gym shortly to hopefully redirect my focus. wml
 

Crossling

Member
20 days in. Still no M or O, but have slipped twice when it came to P. Primarily the personal stuff my wife and I have. Though I am able to look without it progressing further than that, I am using that as an excuse to look in the first place. I have become more keenly aware of the feelings specific types of images and videos provoke and recognize that I simply don't have that feeling towards vanilla sex right now. This Saturday will mark the completion of the third week without M and O, and it was when I was going to try to have sex without using what I enjoy about porn as a stimulant, but having refreshed my memory of what I enjoy online I know that I definitely put myself back.

I am realizing that I am very easily falling into the mindset that I should be alright the next time I have sex as I haven't M or O'd in 3 weeks. Completely disregarding the fact that those are only part of the issue.

Part of my work, at least the home portion, is sitting on a computer all day doing administrative stuff (self employed) so it becomes very easy to get bored and open a tab really quick to see if there are any new videos on a particular site, before returning to what I am doing. The site that I go to is relatively tame and, though I won't consider it a huge win because of the lapse in the first place, my normal response to starting my search on this site is to view it, then lock my mind into the act I want to complete as I switch to different sites to finish the job. I have stopped myself from escalating to other sites both times.

Two steps forward, one step back I suppose.
 
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