Escape and never come back

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

I've decided to start this new journal because I have so many negative emotions about the other one and it can even be deleted as far as I'm concerned. It reminds me of a version of myself that I'm trying to leave behind. I've embarrassed myself enough in that thread and I desperately need to stop embarrassing myself, stop hating myself and stop living in that sort of drama, mentally-wise. And I know it's not going to be easy.

Today is Day 2 and I'm trying to save myself.

So what the fuck happened? It was going so well, right? Nothing is really going well with me because I lack the proper mentality and I'm addicted to this kind of defective self-hating mentality. This needs to change. I had been coming from a perfectly achieved almost 3 weeks streak of abstinence from alcohol and PMO. Things were going pretty well but I was too depressed and felt deprived of pleasure and self-medication. I felt I could continue anyway. I had been denying myself the "invitation" to get drunk. Until day 19 of alcohol abstinence when I finally gave in. I listened to the addicted me saying "drink a little bit because you can handle it." I know I can't handle porn and alcohol. Once I start, I don't stop. I got a little drunk, not out cold, and then I binged PMO. And I proceeded to PMO every day from then on until 2 days ago. Alcohol has been involved too in some days.

I know it sounds like a cliche but nobody comes to save myself. In order to escape this stupid empty life of a guy addicted to drama, self-hate and addictive behaviors and substances I need to go through the suffering that it implies. Those days when I feel so depressed and deprived of "pleasure", when I feel so empty and low, those are the price I need to pay for living for pleasure.

There is no miracle cure that is waiting for me somewhere, this is just the mentality when you postpone the suck that needs to be lived in order to escape. Nobody escapes pleasure easily. Pleasure and pain are the two faces of the same coin, after pleasure there comes pain and after pain you use pleasure.

It's not difficult to describe my situation: Trying to fix my shattered inner world with "drugs". Somewhere very early in my life I got this self-medicating programming, I don't know how but my default mentality became self-medication, instant relief, running away from my life, "rewarding" myself from enduring the pain of being me every day. And obviously, at the age of 31, it's clear that it doesn't work. It's been clear for longer but denial is one of the phases, usually the initial phase, you deny the problem until you can't run away from it anymore, it's right there in front of you and you recognize the problem.

Can someone transform himself from complete loser to hero? Of course. But will this someone do the hard work and suffering necessary for that? That's up to him. You can reinvent yourself in 3 years if you really invest the work.

Where am I now? Day 2, feeling like a complete wreck: No motivation, high anxiety, brain fog, high neuroticism basically. The typical PMO binge aftermath. But I'm trying to escape.
 
Last edited:

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
At one point in my life, things need to change big time. I'm either getting better or getting worse. I believe that this life is not the end and somewhere I will get my "punishment" for letting this life go astray like that. The time is preferably to be now, while I still have a chance to save myself. I don't want to be a 40 years old bitter guy.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thinking about where it went wrong, I guess I know. I was bullied for the first time at the age of 3-4 and then regularly starting with school (age 7). I remember developing a weird masturbation habit without hand when the bullying in school started and I told my parents about it (about the bullying :LOL:). My desire to self-medicate didn't get bad until one day when I guess it was my mom saying something to me, I don't remember exactly how she said it but basically in my little undeveloped mind it sounded like it was my fault for getting bullied because I was weak. Then I developed this mentality, I hated to show that I was weak but I knew I was weak, it made no difference, it was just I tried to hide it all the time, I didn't talk about it, I stopped telling my parents about the bullying, I didn't talk to teachers about it, I kept everything inside and then I entered this porn world and thought PMO had the solution for my pain. That was 17-18 years ago.
 
Last edited:

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know my mom didn't mean to say it like a reproach or something, I'm sure she wanted to motivate me to stand for myself or whatever but I had this defective thinking and to me it sounded more like I'm weak, that's why they bully me, but I myself can't do anything about it, I need others to save me. I don't know exactly how this feeling of shame came, I don't know exactly what happens in someone's mind, but I started hating to show myself weak after that. What followed was a terrible direction.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3

"Addiction...I think it's the relationship between the inner and the outer world. And those most obvious things like heroin, alcoholism, substance misuse... They are merely the most evident form of addiction. I think it's a belief that the material and external world can somehow resolve the problems of your inner life. Addiction begins with pain and ends with pain. You are in pain, you practice whatever it is you do to get away from the pain whether it's pornography or food or sex or drugs and then it leads to more pain and the cycle begins again."

- Russell Brand
 
Last edited:

Rumson

Member
Greetings, I realized in the last week ( I live alone abroad) that pity parties won't help, and if I don't move and make a difference I won't get over the addiction and how I feel. I need to be the master of my fate and take responsilibty and make things change. That being said, I'm back on Day 1.

With regards to the bullying, I think people sometimes say things in order to help us but their way of thinking and our way of processing what they meant don't alway line up. I truly hope you develop the discipline and habits to overcome your addictions. We're with you in this.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Greetings, I realized in the last week ( I live alone abroad) that pity parties won't help, and if I don't move and make a difference I won't get over the addiction and how I feel. I need to be the master of my fate and take responsilibty and make things change. That being said, I'm back on Day 1.
That's right, we need to become the masters of our worlds. Nobody comes to save us, we need to do the hard work. Good luck, man.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 5

I believe three steps are necessary for a good beginning:

1) Admitting everything that is wrong: The addiction, the bad habits, the unhappiness, the loneliness, the bad relationships, the self-hate, the underachievement, the frustrations etc. Everybody has their own set of problems, those are just some examples. But the idea here is to admit what's wrong. For most of us, our problem is not the addiction alone.

2) Believing that 1) can change. We don't have to live like that all our life. Our problems can be fixed and we could improve, the addiction or addictions can become past, but we need to believe in it first.

3) Looking for help and accepting help. This is for anybody who has been trying in solitude to fix their problems and hasn't succeeded. I certainly fit this criteria. If I could fix myself in solitude I would've done it already. Talking about how fucked up I am is very scary but even coming here to write about it is a step forward. But I also need to find someone in real life too.

All this might sound obvious but there are many addiction who haven't even passed step 1, they are in denial and don't believe they have problems. Others don't go past step two, they don't believe their addiction can go away, they don't believe their lives can get better. Others don't look for help because in order to be helped, people need to know wtf is wrong with you. They try to fix everything by themselves and fail for years. There is nothing wrong with trying to fix yourself in solitude but if you are not able to do it, I think it's time to look for help.
 
Last edited:

Awareness

Member
I hope you find an Accountability Partner or something similar in "real life". It really is so essential to move forward.

What else I realised is that PMO is not my problem, but the quick solution to all my other "problems" like bad feelings, conflicts, defeats, but also a way to celebrate myself and my ego. So I have to work on the "real" problems of my life.

I wish you much strength for the coming days.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
What else I realised is that PMO is not my problem, but the quick solution to all my other "problems" like bad feelings, conflicts, defeats, but also a way to celebrate myself and my ego. So I have to work on the "real" problems of my life.

I wish you much strength for the coming days.
Definitely. For some people, addiction is a belief that those addictive behaviors and substances can fix the problem of their inner world. To some people, it's like a mentality. Some people (me included) have an addictive mentality long before changes to the brain are made by the habit and craving and withdrawal start. They search unconsciously for a solution to their problems and then they stumble over something like alcohol or drugs or porn or junk food or video games and feel like "Yes, that's what I need, I can live like this all my life." Until you are 31 like me, rock bottom, and you realize "This is not how I should live my life."

One of the things I've been working on lately is the 12 step program as presented by Russel Brand. The first 3 steps are in the above post. What you say there "What else I realised is that PMO is not my problem, but the quick solution to all my other "problems" like bad feelings, conflicts, defeats, but also a way to celebrate myself and my ego. So I have to work on the "real" problems of my life," would be step 4 which is make a inventory of yourself and list all the things that have affected you or are affecting you nowadays. This is one of the most important steps, it's going deep to the cause of everything. It might take a while but it's necessary to see what made you addicted, what keeps you addicted, what's wrong with you, what bad habits and patterns you have etc.

Anyway, good luck, man. Thanks for encouragement. I wish you great success with your recovery. Recovery = Recovering the "you" that's supposed to be.

By the way, I'm not telling anybody what to do and what to follow. I'm trying to help by presenting things I find. If it doesn't work for you or annoys you, you don't have to do it. If it helps you, we can join it together.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I've been struggling with the craving for alcohol for two days. But now I'm on vacation, I will go back to work on August 31st and this stops the pattern of buying alcohol after work. Maybe it leaves me the fuck alone because lately there hasn't been one drinking session without PMO...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Absolutely insane urges... :( I can't even think. All I can see is the pleasure. It's fuckin disgusting! In this rhythm, I will never escape this fuckin shit! The call of pleasure is right here, I don't know how much I can resist. Do I care about my life enough to see past this? I do care about my life but right now all the misery, all my shit life, nothing matters, it's a distant memory, all I see is the pleasure. I'm not saying this is how it should be, I'm not saying it's correct, I'm describing how I feel. I wish I've never gotten myself in this fuckin disgusting world of porn.
 
Top