Escape and never come back

Warhawk88

Active Member
This feels like heroin. And I have never even tried heroin.

You're not wrong. While I've never done heroin directly, I was a major pill-form opiate addict about a decade ago. If I had to be honest, quitting porn has actually been harder for me to quit than opiates. This isn't meant to discourage you at all, it's just confirming your statement, and perhaps offer a viewpoint. To quit porn for good, you need to approach it like you're quitting the hardest drug on the planet, because frankly, you are.

I have to say, the fact that you are here, you are brutally honest, and you are still trying to push, is seriously commendable. I don't think I've seen a person on here who's just up and quit without multiple relapses, and we've all been through the multi-binge shame sessions for years and years. It really does feel like a drug! The disappointment in your writing shows your underlying passion to achieve a goal, and I really hope we get to see you make it there one day! You definitely have it in you, it might just take some learning to get longer and longer streaks. I know it's easy to tell someone to not be so hard on themselves, so know that I would like to really just instead say that I understand why you are, but hope you can see the positive that is your drive, so don't let that fire fizzle out.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
You're not wrong. While I've never done heroin directly, I was a major pill-form opiate addict about a decade ago. If I had to be honest, quitting porn has actually been harder for me to quit than opiates. This isn't meant to discourage you at all, it's just confirming your statement, and perhaps offer a viewpoint. To quit porn for good, you need to approach it like you're quitting the hardest drug on the planet, because frankly, you are.
I used to say that porn felt to me like crack followed by heroin, based on the description of both drugs told by other people cause I've never tried them. When I have urges and I started edging to porn, it is a very intense euphoria, just like people say crack feels like, or maybe meth. Then the orgasm feels like heroin, they say it's that relaxing feeling. I could say that in those few seconds of orgasm I feel completely fearless, there is a quick thought that passes through my head: "I want to feel like this for the rest of my life" and then 2 seconds later is gone and I binge all day just to feel those few seconds. I agree with you that this is a very hard "drug" to quit because unless you are completexy asexual and you can't feel interest in sex, it's understandable why you would like porn. "Boys like naked girls" and all that, when you are 13. Anyway, as much as it pains me that I'm here, it makes sense why I'm addicted to alcohol and porn. It's been a long attempt to escape the hole in me. Quitting porn is one thing but fixing yourself so you don't really need to medicate yourself, it's even harder, you need a recreation of yourself. Russell Brand is one of the guys I've been following, he follows the 12 steps model of recovery and he has transformed himself spiritually a lot. I don't think he could've escaped that life of heroin and crack without it, you can definitely push yourself through everything and achieve a longer streak, I've done it in the past, I've done it recently actually, I went 25 days without porn, 26 without alcohol but as Dr. Gabor Mate pointed it out, the urge to medicate my pain catches up to me very single time, there is this excruciating depression and then I relapse. Every single time. This made me realize more than ever that I will not be able to escape my addictions by just trying to abstain. I need to fix myself. It's not going to be easy, I don't even know where to start, fixing myself is a foreign concept to me, all I know is to sedate myself.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yesterday I binged my brains out, 6 PMOs until short before midnight. "If you PMO after midnight you basically will cross into the next day". That's what I told myself. I can't say more that I've said already. I could push myself hard to abstain for some days but it's not going to magically fix me, the urge to medicate myself will catch up to me. I need a place to start for my healing.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I could make up my mind that I probably won't quit porn and alcohol right away until I start addressing my problems but what happens is that all those binges still make me feel like shit after them. It's like a PMO hangover.

PMO x 1 today...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Like I said, my number one priority now is to finally transform myself. Until then, I might experience porn relapses (and alcohol), although I would like not to. However, at least for the moment I couldn't stop the last 2 days of relapses. I would, of course, greately benefit from relapsing less or going again a longer period without porn because all those binges are killing me. They create a level of neuroticism and social anxiety that has a big impact of the quality of my life, my sleep and my work. When I binge, everything is affected. And tomorrow I have to go to work again... For how many times I've been to work, in the last 3 years, after binges? Sometimes it goes well during the work days then I have free days, I binge and restart work like a zombie...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
My mediocre activity at work comes because of lack of energy, motivation and high social anxiety. I know I can do more than this. The best studying activity at work happened during streaks away from porn. All the knowledge I have about the systems at work pretty much come from better periods in my life. But after zombie modes like this, I don't have any mood to study.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I want to at least not drink on Friday night but I can't guarantee it. At least I should buy smaller bottles. I can never trust myself to drink only half of the bottle, I end up drinking everything. Then the hangover is going to be crazy the next day. I know I've done this. I drank the whole bottle of gin (Beefeater as a matter of fact, good gin). And before starting to drink I had said I would only drink half.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

This PMO addiction is gon kill me. Literally. I couldn't sleep all night. When I binge PMO that's what happens. To some people, staying away from porn gives them insomnia, in my case PMO does this and staying away from porn actually makes me sleep better. I want to take my time to heal, even though I'm desperate, but I can't keep binging PMO if it doesn't let me sleep. I didn't sleep all night then went to work in the morning. I can't count how many morning shifts I've worked already without sleep, I'm getting sick of it.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 1

This PMO addiction is gon kill me. Literally. I couldn't sleep all night. When I binge PMO that's what happens. To some people, staying away from porn gives them insomnia, in my case PMO does this and staying away from porn actually makes me sleep better. I want to take my time to heal, even though I'm desperate, but I can't keep binging PMO if it doesn't let me sleep. I didn't sleep all night then went to work in the morning. I can't count how many morning shifts I've worked already without sleep, I'm getting sick of it.
I get this too, after really bad binges. It's the absolute WORST because I get images looping through my brain, which leads to this weird mix of deep, existential shame and unwanted arousal. It's the perfect cocktail to stay in relapse mode too. It sucks. Sometimes the best motivator for me to quit is just to think that every single second I abstain is a second farther away from the last porn image I viewed, so they can finally start receding from my memory (however long it takes, I know it's a lifelong battle). Those images fresh in your head, mixed with the shame of your binge are like hell.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I get this too, after really bad binges. It's the absolute WORST because I get images looping through my brain, which leads to this weird mix of deep, existential shame and unwanted arousal. It's the perfect cocktail to stay in relapse mode too. It sucks. Sometimes the best motivator for me to quit is just to think that every single second I abstain is a second farther away from the last porn image I viewed, so they can finally start receding from my memory (however long it takes, I know it's a lifelong battle). Those images fresh in your head, mixed with the shame of your binge are like hell.
I know exactly what you're talking about, man.
 
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