Escape and never come back

Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
Sorry to hear how you are feeling about you self.
Have you considered SAA? Maybe having a group of allies that you can phone when you feel the urge to use could be useful?

Have you considered trying to express these dark feelings in poetry or song? Might be a good way to help process these thoughts.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Chris1986 said:
Sorry to hear how you are feeling about you self.
Have you considered SAA? Maybe having a group of allies that you can phone when you feel the urge to use could be useful?

Have you considered trying to express these dark feelings in poetry or song? Might be a good way to help process these thoughts.
Click to expand...
I've been struggling with the idea whether SAA is for me. I mean, I'm not a sex addict. I considered AA some time ago, as I have a problem with alcohol but I'll try to make it work until the end of this year then I'll see. I'm trying to make my binge drinking on my birthday the last such thing, even if I drink like 2 more beers until the end of the year during Holidays as I'm Christian. In rest, I don't have other activity to unload my anger, I'm basically a time bomb reading to explode. I have so much anger and hate bottled inside me. Anyway, here is a song to celebrate the last 2 phrases:

 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I haven't had a good sleep in almost 2 weeks. I'm fried. Tired and irritated. All those PMO binges and alcohol binges fucked me up. As a result I'm lethargic and neurotic. PMO binges exacerbate all the things that don't go well with me, like my problem with sounds when I try to sleep. That's what PMO does for me: It takes everything bad and increases it by 100.

I hate how things keep interfering with my porn streak. I wish they didn't influence each other. For who has been following my journal, it's known I'm an alcoholic and drinking almost always (actually for a while it's every time) makes me binge PMO. But another thing that I didn't really pay attention to (because alcohol was wrecking more havoc) is caffeine. I don't know why, maybe because it's a stimulant but it gives me ridiculous urges. Like today. I drank some caffeine and then struggled miserably for the next few hours with urges for porn. It's ridiculous. And the thing is that, before I knew, caffeine had started to hook me. I feel like I'm developing an addiction to this god damn thing too. I've been saying for a while that I need to stop drinking it for the sake of porn recovery but I've never stopped. And you know why? Because if I gave up this thing too, I would give up all my pleasures, just like that, as my pathetic empty life only has caffeine in the morning, porn and alcohol. That's how I know how to have fun. Ridiculous, I know. That's what I've been able to create for myself so far. I know I need to transform this stupid life.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
At the same time, it's hard to do things when you feel lethargic, absolutely no motivation, no drive, no passion and absolutely no joy in anything but alcohol and porn. It's known that with addictions, what happens is that eventually you lose the ability to experience joy in anything else but your drug. And when you don't feel excited to do something, there are big chances you won't do it. The story of my last 10 years or more, maybe 13 years. I don't know, I'm just trying to explain how the fuck my life has ended up being ridiculous and empty.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Around the age of 20 (?) I lost the ability to feel any pleasure or joy with the exception of porn and drinking but even they didn't always work. I had a period when I didn't feel high to alcohol at all. I just drank it for it's drunkness effect but I had no fun with it. I had no idea that for the next 12 years I was going to feel absolutely nothing worth feeling. Anyway, at the same time, I still can't understand, the me of today can't understand how people can stay sober. Sobriety suck. I can't understand how people can function without "taking a break" from themselves.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3

I have 3 days without porn and 5 days of alcohol abstinence since that horrible alcohol binge that fucked me up pretty bad. Today is the first day since then when I feel like myself again. I crave both, of course... Of course you crave them, no matter what, but that feeling of being sick after a binge drinking session is not something I want again. I know, it might not be the last time when I drink as this is December and has Christmas and New Year, alcohol will probably show up around but what I want is to avoid a drinking session like that, I want to keep myself to a small quantity and then, hopefully, next year I can abstain for real. Only the thought of abstinence makes me super depressed but I can't continue like that. Anyway, good luck y'all.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
The excerpt from the previous post is part of the full podcast with Russell Brand and Dr. Gabor Mate, who discuss addiction and trauma, and other things too. Interesting and informative discussion for who could relate, for who is an addict because of childhood trauma. I am.

The video is long but it addresses trauma and addiction in more details than if it was a short video. It doesn't have to be watched all at once.

Anyway, here is the full video:

 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Relapse

I edged yesterday for a while but to substitutes mostly, I only watched hardcore for a few minutes. And today I edged some more and completed 1 PMO.

PMO Count in December: 1

I hope to keep it lower than fuckin 25 or how much it was in November, I've lost count.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Once you orgasm, the session is over. By edging, you can keep the session going and going. Be at the verge of coming for hours and hours. That's where the extended dopamine high and addiction comes in. As you do it you have to keep seeking novelty and often move toward more extreme content. You are in an extended euphoric state.

You forget the world around you (escape from reality is a big reason for porn addicts), you live in almost a dream state. You know that as soon as you finish the real world crashes back in, you'll have to clean up, face how much time you've wasted, and maybe feel shitty for what you jerked off to. So you keep extending...
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
SimonM said:
Once you orgasm, the session is over. By edging, you can keep the session going and going. Be at the verge of coming for hours and hours. That's where the extended dopamine high and addiction comes in. As you do it you have to keep seeking novelty and often move toward more extreme content. You are in an extended euphoric state.

You forget the world around you (escape from reality is a big reason for porn addicts), you live in almost a dream state. You know that as soon as you finish the real world crashes back in, you'll have to clean up, face how much time you've wasted, and maybe feel shitty for what you jerked off to. So you keep extending...
Click to expand...
Which is a very accurate description of the whole matter. I know all this, I even wanted to write it myself earlier, so thank you for putting it here. Escaping from reality is my reason for addiction (addictions). Childhood trauma and the "bad programming" that this has induced in me, which made me feel miserable and looking for a way to feel better. Probably in order to escape I need to "reprogram" myself. Edging is a very dangerous practice, which, as you said, keeps dopamine high for extended periods of time. According to Gary Wilson (Rest in Peace), which is where I've heard it for the first time, orgasm induces a drop in dopamine. Giving the fact that dopamine is what we want, we don't want it to drop. Once it drops, we want it back up again (which explains the chaser effect and binging). Addicts' dopamine doesn't drop to baseline, it drops below the baseline. You have one PMO session, crash hard after that and then of course you crave a "lift" after that, as your dopamine is literally on the ground.
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
SimonM said:
Once you orgasm, the session is over. By edging, you can keep the session going and going. Be at the verge of coming for hours and hours. That's where the extended dopamine high and addiction comes in. As you do it you have to keep seeking novelty and often move toward more extreme content. You are in an extended euphoric state.

You forget the world around you (escape from reality is a big reason for porn addicts), you live in almost a dream state. You know that as soon as you finish the real world crashes back in, you'll have to clean up, face how much time you've wasted, and maybe feel shitty for what you jerked off to. So you keep extending...
Click to expand...
This is the truth.

At least for me, if my porn habit had consisted of just wanking it for five then getting back to work, it wouldn't have been nearly the problem that it turned into. But the hours just looking at picture after picture and video after video, and the dopamine rush that followed, is where the problems really stem from. For me, I sometimes use it to hide from the world or my pain, but many times it was just the utter amazement of the female form and the inspiration I get looking at it.

There is no high like that high. Which is why it must be put back into Pandora's box and throw away the key.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Blondie said:
This is the truth.

At least for me, if my porn habit had consisted of just wanking it for five then getting back to work, it wouldn't have been nearly the problem that it turned into. But the hours just looking at picture after picture and video after video, and the dopamine rush that followed, is where the problems really stem from. For me, I sometimes use it to hide from the world or my pain, but many times it was just the utter amazement of the female form and the inspiration I get looking at it.

There is no high like that high. Which is why it must be put back into Pandora's box and throw away the key.
Click to expand...
This is exactly the problem. Without the novelty of high speed internet pornography, this epidemic wouldn't exist.
 
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