Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Yes, of course, dr Gabor Mate is one of the OGs. I recommend him for anyone who wants to study addiction in relation to childhood trauma.
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Escape and never come back
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Broken but let's say it's day 5. I've been negotiating between do it and don't do it since yesterday and it will probably get me.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Relapse! Fuckin relapse!
Ezel
Respected Member
Go for it champ, you got this. Embrace the struggle, sometimes the only way out is to suffer. Be committed, and most important of all is do it for you, you deserve a better life than the life with porn in it. Good luck
.Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
It is the only way out. Dr Gabot Mate has said it very well in his podcast with Joe Rogan, trying to paraphrase: To get out, you need to suffer into the truth. There is a suffering element in quitting addictions, there is a suffering element in changing habits or changing yourself. Many of us don't want to suffer and postpone the transformation that going through this suffering will bring. Some of us, like myself included, have been suffering with our emotional pains and we think that we have suffered enough, why the fuck should we suffer more? <-- This is a big reason why I've been avoiding it. Because I considered myself entitled to an easy way out because I had been suffering for years and years with the effects of porn addiction, with the unresolved childhood trauma, with crippling social anxiety, suicidal depression etcetera. But then you are faced with the reality. And the reality tells you: "Nah, motherfucker, it goes like this, not the way you want it. Do you want to get better? You need to suffer." And then you need to decided whether you accept this and do it, or you just say fuck no and continue to escape into addiction.Go for it champ, you got this. Embrace the struggle, sometimes the only way out is to suffer. Be committed, and most important of all is do it for you, you deserve a better life than the life with porn in it. Good luck
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I'm not sober anymore. I'm... FUCK
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
1 PMO yesterday after drinking. I made a fuckin mistake getting myself alcohol, I shouldn't have done this, I had 2 weeks sober.
But, there have been 11 days since the beginning of this month and I only have 3 PMOs. Last month I had like 10, 15 or however much it was. It's significantly less PMOing but I feel like completely garbage. I'm lethargic and overwhelmed with anxiety, overthinking and a feeling of constant dread. I don't have any mood to interact with people and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow I have to be around my coworkers.
Fuckin shit. Two days ago I said I was going to do whatever it takes to get to 90 days and the next day I fucked up.
But, there have been 11 days since the beginning of this month and I only have 3 PMOs. Last month I had like 10, 15 or however much it was. It's significantly less PMOing but I feel like completely garbage. I'm lethargic and overwhelmed with anxiety, overthinking and a feeling of constant dread. I don't have any mood to interact with people and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow I have to be around my coworkers.
Fuckin shit. Two days ago I said I was going to do whatever it takes to get to 90 days and the next day I fucked up.
@Escapeandnevercomeback
How are you brother . I know you need to quit cold turkey that’s the only way out . Keep the fight up brother
How are you brother . I know you need to quit cold turkey that’s the only way out . Keep the fight up brother
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Bro, thanks for checking on me. To be honest, given the fact that for half a month I only PMOed 3 times, it might sound like actually a great progress. Last month I had maybe like 15 PMOs or something around those numbers. However, I can't stop drinking, man. I've been drinking myself into an oblivion.
@Escapeandnevercomeback
I don’t have anything to say . My thoughts are with you . Let’s make progress now
I don’t have anything to say . My thoughts are with you . Let’s make progress now
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
It is a lot of transformation that I probably need to go through and, apparantely, I am all alone. My parents are disgusted with my alcoholism, I have no wife, no girlfriend and no friend to "hold me hand". I am literally alone. God have mercy for my soul. I will try to beat this alone.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
As I walked through the door drunk, my parents ignored me. My dad said, "Aw shit!" and from then on I was invisible, literally. And they are the only people in my life. I have no wife, no girlfriend, no friend, I've been a loser enough to actually be nobody. My last chance is to look for an AA group and, God help me please, I will probably find someone to help me.
I’ve experienced similar feelings for my parents, that they could have been better parents to not let me grow into this shitty jerk of an adult man . But man … they had and are having their own struggles . And when it comes to destiny and life , I believe they have a big influence yes but the key is in our hands to success . I am thinking of our relationship to god , and our perseverance as the keys I have to make my life worthwhile . Let’s use these keys and open the doors of success .
Wanted to add another thing as the keys we’ve got -
1) The day to day choices we make in addition to
2) Having a guardian (a friend or god or a doctor or a mentor)
3) perseverance and optimism we feel and practice
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
As always, my journal is an embarrassing circus when I get drunk. I've deleted all the stupid posts written under the influence. Although they are what I actually truly feel and believe, I don't want to do this. And some people have to read that shit. I was fuckin embarrassed to come here, that's why I haven't even logged in here for 3 days (or 4, I don't even remember, I'm starting to have serious memory problems, or maybe I've had them since starting porn binges and I haven't been paying attention.) All I want to say is that I'm really serious about taking it easy with posting here until there is a change and I really have something to write about, other than what I've been writing all this year and my drunken rants. So help me God.
P.S: Gemini, you've said some real things. You're right. We need a day to day choice, people to help us (if we hopefully find them) and perseverance. I hope I could finally put myself together one day.
Anyway, as a conclusion to this post, this is day 3 clean. Alcohol... that's another matter. I just hope I don't write anything here anymore when I'm drunk. It's very embarrassing for me.
P.S: Gemini, you've said some real things. You're right. We need a day to day choice, people to help us (if we hopefully find them) and perseverance. I hope I could finally put myself together one day.
Anyway, as a conclusion to this post, this is day 3 clean. Alcohol... that's another matter. I just hope I don't write anything here anymore when I'm drunk. It's very embarrassing for me.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
It's known already. On my 32nd birthday, I drank my brains out, whiskey + vodka, got absolutely out cold to celebrate how unhappy I am. Of course, everybody knows that the translation here is: To medicate how unhappy I am, which I've been doing since around the age of 20 when my birthday started being a very depressing day, something I was not looking forward to.
I got scared after that drinking madness and that made me to be 2 weeks sober. But then I lost control again. That fuckin meeting with my team always seems to come in the most inappropriate moments. The last one I had been to, I was 40+ days sober! Of course I drank (not much though, beer) but the seed was planted. Not the next day but eventually I returned back to my drinking habit because my addicted self was telling me: "That was not drinking! Come on, get your share! And then you can quit!" Mhm.
This time was exactly the same. I was actually pretty determined to continue with the streak but hearing about the meeting (which always involves alcohol) made me... yes, think about alcohol. I ended up drinking 2 days before going to the meeting!
Why am I saying this? Because I've lost control of my sobriety again when everything was promising. One second of being overwhelmed by what life threw at me in terms of temptation and that was it. Since then I'm not recovering.
Today, I was at the shopping center. To buy some things. All the way there the conflict between do it don't do it was going on inside of me. I got there, bought what I needed and then, I was on the fuckin escalator, going up to the store. I entered a very depressive state. I was staring at myself in the mirror. I was depressed for going to the store to buy alcohol. I didn't want to go, I was depressed about the whole thing but I could not stop myself. In any shape or form. And then I knew I was in big trouble. Because I am in big trouble. My craving for alcohol has gone up. My withdrawal after drinking has gone up (Agitation + Can't sleep). The rope is getting tighter. I'm getting deeper and deeper into alcoholism. Today I didn't even care about porn. I was worried about my alcohol problem. And I don't even know why I wrote this. Who cares.
I got scared after that drinking madness and that made me to be 2 weeks sober. But then I lost control again. That fuckin meeting with my team always seems to come in the most inappropriate moments. The last one I had been to, I was 40+ days sober! Of course I drank (not much though, beer) but the seed was planted. Not the next day but eventually I returned back to my drinking habit because my addicted self was telling me: "That was not drinking! Come on, get your share! And then you can quit!" Mhm.
This time was exactly the same. I was actually pretty determined to continue with the streak but hearing about the meeting (which always involves alcohol) made me... yes, think about alcohol. I ended up drinking 2 days before going to the meeting!
Why am I saying this? Because I've lost control of my sobriety again when everything was promising. One second of being overwhelmed by what life threw at me in terms of temptation and that was it. Since then I'm not recovering.
Today, I was at the shopping center. To buy some things. All the way there the conflict between do it don't do it was going on inside of me. I got there, bought what I needed and then, I was on the fuckin escalator, going up to the store. I entered a very depressive state. I was staring at myself in the mirror. I was depressed for going to the store to buy alcohol. I didn't want to go, I was depressed about the whole thing but I could not stop myself. In any shape or form. And then I knew I was in big trouble. Because I am in big trouble. My craving for alcohol has gone up. My withdrawal after drinking has gone up (Agitation + Can't sleep). The rope is getting tighter. I'm getting deeper and deeper into alcoholism. Today I didn't even care about porn. I was worried about my alcohol problem. And I don't even know why I wrote this. Who cares.
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Relapse. 1 PMO.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Hey man. I can relate. Become your own friend first. Start noticing how you talk to yourself. If you would be a friend to yourself would you talk to yourself like you talk to yourself? Good luck.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I have 3 days without PMO or edging. Hopefully I can end Christmas day without a relapse. Earlier this year, on first Easter day, I relapsed. It was ridiculous.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
relapse