Escape and never come back

Androg

Androg

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Escapeandnevercomeback said:
Can't do shit so far. I don't even know how I got into more than a month of constant binging. I don't even know what the fuck should be done about it. To say that I feel like shit would not even describe how shit I feel. I feel absolutely like a shipwreck. All those fuckin PMO binges gave me a constant feeling of anxiety all day that doesn't go away no matter what. Tomorrow I have my therapy session. I'm scared as fuck about it and very uncomfortable. I am afraid of revealing myself. I am embarrassed how my life is at my age. But I guess I need more than ever to finally understand what the fuck is going on inside of me and what action I really need to take to save myself. But meanwhile, all those fuckin PMO binges are really fuckin killing me.
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Whatever else you do, reveal yourself to the therapist. Otherwise you are wasting your money. These people are trained not to shame or be judgmental. If you have a therapist, who does one of those things, you need to find another therapist.

But reveal yourself. There is a saying, “we are only as sick as our secrets.“ So don’t keep secrets with your therapist.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Androg said:
Whatever else you do, reveal yourself to the therapist. Otherwise you are wasting your money. These people are trained not to shame or be judgmental. If you have a therapist, who does one of those things, you need to find another therapist.

But reveal yourself. There is a saying, “we are only as sick as our secrets.“ So don’t keep secrets with your therapist.
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You're probably right.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm sick of writing day 1 here. It feels like a complete failure. Maybe counting days is not really beneficial for me, I don't know.

I PMOed 3 times yesterday. This is also something I'm sick of reporting here. I had a 3 PMO day after the day with therapy.

The therapy session was brutal. I had insane amount of social anxiety and it got better, to the point where I could actually talk for good, only at the end of the session, like 5 minutes before we stopped. As it turns out, I need a long fuckin time to calm down when I have an uncontrollable attack of social anxiety and coincidentally (or not) it always happens after binging porn. I actually mentioned this to the therapist. I said that I suspect my porn addiction to have something to do with my high social anxiety.

The therapy session was the most nerve-wrecking thing I had to do in a long time. Having to talk about myself like that was very painful and felt very "embarrassing" because I am embarrassed with myself. It was very difficult. But at least the therapist (a woman) acknowledges porn addiction so I don't have to bother with this. She told me she suspects more the bullying from my childhood as reason for my social anxiety but I can't say, as long as I don't eliminate the porn from the ecuation to see if I'm still socially anxious. Anyway, I said that if I was supposed to have social anxiety anyway, I believe too much fuckin porn has made it worse.

BUt anyway, she seems the type that wants to get down to business so it seems promising. Obviously, it's too early to tell but maybe it works. I definitely don't need someone to only listen to my problems, I also need someone who can help me fix myself with actual action. What she actually said about me was, obviously not in those words, but pretty much that I'm a complicated case because my life is shit. Empty, depressing, unfullfilling in any shape or form, I'm dealing with trauma from the past and that I have a lot of work to do. Obviously, if people think that anybody is going to "fix you", they need to know that the actually hard work needs to be done by you, this is not hocus pocus. There is a lot of work to do, pain to suffer, discomfort etc. to be the person you want to be.

So that's about it. I'm going again next week. Let's see what comes next. But I also feel I haven't said everything about myself, I could really concentrate to begin with because I was in the middle of a very bad episode of social anxiety but, even though my life is completely shit, one hour wasn't even enough to say everything about myself :ROFLMAO: Not that I have much great stuff to actually say about myself. Only to describe how shit I am.

Anyway, I wouldn't have even gone to therapy if it wasn't for my father who fucked with me for a week before this.
 
Androg

Androg

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Sounds like a good start actually. I'm glad you're going back next week. Bravo!

Can you try meditating daily? It's a way to improve your clarity and self-control. At first, it will seem pointless, but the effects are cumulative.

GL!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
"Is that my medical report you have there?"
"Yep."
"What does it say?"
"That you are completely bonkers."
"Completely?"
"Just maybe two brain cells that still light up. The rest is just short circuits and sparks."

...

"Cigarette?"
"I'm getting off that too. Everything... Including chocolate."
"Like I tell my kids."
 
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forceisstrong2

forceisstrong2

Active Member
Great to hear you are seeing a therapist and I totally agree with Androg regarding meditation. For me, it is a game changer. Just to get started, I recommend that you try guided meditations off youtube or use an apply. Start with 5/10 minutes a day. Also, read up a bit on the theory, what it is and why it works. Meditation helps me to control my thoughts. I'm not so anxious, neurotic, constantly burning up circuits, as you say.

You all have set-backs. I had one recently. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just start again.

One day without porn is a day to be celebrated.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
forceisstrong2 said:
Great to hear you are seeing a therapist and I totally agree with Androg regarding meditation. For me, it is a game changer. Just to get started, I recommend that you try guided meditations off youtube or use an apply. Start with 5/10 minutes a day. Also, read up a bit on the theory, what it is and why it works. Meditation helps me to control my thoughts. I'm not so anxious, neurotic, constantly burning up circuits, as you say.

You all have set-backs. I had one recently. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just start again.

One day without porn is a day to be celebrated.
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Hey man. I have to give it a try. Thanks for advice and support.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

My PMO abstinence is going like absolute shit. Two-Three days has been the max I could do.

I went to second session of therapy today, I told my therapist the other set of my problems and she hinted (and this was something that I used to say around here too) that what I described sounded like Autism Spectrum. There is absolutely no surprise with this if you look at how I was as a kid. I had almost all the fuckin symptoms. If I'm on the Spectrum, it doesn't surprise me anymore. It's funny that one session was not enough to describe everything that is wrong with me, even though my life is not that accomplished or interesting and I haven't done too many things until this age. I needed another session to describe the rest of the problems.

I haven't drunk since May 29. And I would've have done it but I've been ashamed since then because of the big episode that I had with my parents. I didn't want them to see me drinking again after that. But to be honest, I would kill to have a drink.

Not much else to report. Same shit.
 
Androg

Androg

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Recovery is not linear. And things often get worse before they get better. Think "withdrawal" as an example.

Just hold the goal of being healed in your mind, and keep trudging along through the misery. I have read recovery accounts of men dealing with similar challenges...so it can be done. Be your own hero, however long it takes.

Meanwhile, read inspiring materials regularly...recovery accounts on YBOP, inspiring biographies or fiction, anything that uplifts you. Do it whenever you feel yourself spiraling down. Don't ruminate or "wallow." Grab something inspiring immediately.

You can do this. The footing is very slippery at first, but it gets easier.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Androg said:
Recovery is not linear. And things often get worse before they get better. Think "withdrawal" as an example.

Just hold the goal of being healed in your mind, and keep trudging along through the misery. I have read recovery accounts of men dealing with similar challenges...so it can be done. Be your own hero, however long it takes.

Meanwhile, read inspiring materials regularly...recovery accounts on YBOP, inspiring biographies or fiction, anything that uplifts you. Do it whenever you feel yourself spiraling down. Don't ruminate or "wallow." Grab something inspiring immediately.

You can do this. The footing is very slippery at first, but it gets easier.
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Thanks man. Thanks for advice and support.
 
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