Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Unfortunately, I am not sober anymore. But thanks anyway. I don't really exceed streaks of 45 days with alcohol.
Escape and never come back
- Thread starter Escapeandnevercomeback
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I have faith that you will, bro. Your story is not over, it’s only in the early chapters.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 0
Jerking off furiously every 2 days.
Jerking off furiously every 2 days.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Relapse. Can't stop the carousel. I've been jerking off (multiple times a day) every 2 days and drinking with the same frequency. I need to do something about it, this is ridiculous. I can't even get the streaks that I got last year by this time.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
That's for 1 week.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I can't show how comfort for porn looks like. That's the problem with porn: It's the most idiotic addiction that exists on this earth.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
P.S: I had to re-upload the picture from three posts ago because of production design, a.k.a: I know I look like shit and my life looks like shit, at least the picture shouldn't look completely like shit. I had to re-do it.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
But basically, it's a picture with my "collection" of bottles from the last week. That's how comfort looks like.
Pazienza
Active Member
So, are you a day drinker? Are you the "get started in the morning and keep it going all day" type of guy? Or maybe you just drink in the evenings, but you get trashed?
Just curious, no judgement here. I was an alcoholic for over 25 years, so don't feel like I'm talking shit, because I'm not. I used to drink in the mornings, and work drunk all day, then go home and get SMASHED. Every night. Tequila was my preferred sauce, with a lot of craft beer on the side. I don't really miss it, honestly.
You seem like you want to talk about alcohol, so let's talk about it. What kind of drinker are you?
Just curious, no judgement here. I was an alcoholic for over 25 years, so don't feel like I'm talking shit, because I'm not. I used to drink in the mornings, and work drunk all day, then go home and get SMASHED. Every night. Tequila was my preferred sauce, with a lot of craft beer on the side. I don't really miss it, honestly.
You seem like you want to talk about alcohol, so let's talk about it. What kind of drinker are you?
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Yo man. Drinking for 25 years you definitely know what's this all about. I've been drinking for about 15? The thing is, I would've been a way different kind of alcoholic had it not been for the circumstance of living with my parents. Because of this, I've been drinking less that I would've ended up doing. But, to try to answer a little bit your question, I am the kind that, if I have alcohol, I can't wait to start, I would start right in the morning, no eating, and get fucked up. But I've never done it before work though. But if I have a free day, I start right from the morning. I can drink after work, get drunk, stay up late, rage, wake up in the morning feeling like shit etc. The hangovers are fuckin killing me. Thanks for stopping by.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
P.S: I finally decided to throw away all my bottles and then I saw the amount of them. That's the picture... Even if I knew this is who I was, I still had a "WOW" moment.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
The thing with porn is that I probably double that, only that I can't show it
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
But yes, to add to my answer about alcohol, had I not lived with my parents, right now I would've woke up with the bottle next to bed shaking.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
The main problem with me is that I turn into a violent guy when I'm drunk. Everybody has had enough of me already, only when they see a glimpse of me being a little bit under the influence of alcohol, they are like "Aaa shit!" Which is very ironic becuase when I am sober, it's not secret that I can't kill a fly even if it comes to kill me. I am a super weakling crybaby loser. But once I get drunk, the liquid courage removes my fear and I can literally fight anybody to death (of me or him or both). I become violent and very persistent in hurting people. Nobody wants to give me any excuse with this anymore and I can't describe either how embarrassed I actually am. I went 45 days without drinking then I drank all those bottles from the picture in a few days... To make up for the fuckin starvation...
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I went to therapy and said: "My problem is that I become violent when I'm drunk and it pisses me off, I just wish I could get drunk and chill the fuck out." And the alcoholic in me was talking, as soon as I said that I realized how ridiculous it was, as if finishing a bottle of vodka and "chilling" was normal.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Well, you know, giving the fact that my porn use is worse than last year, I don't really have what more to talk about it without repeating myself. I don't have any progress to declare.
And then I realized that the alcohol problem has been sneaking on me really well lately. I cleaned my room and gathered all the bottles. In between bottles of wine, a couple of bottles of beer, I have a bottle of gin, a bottle of cognac and a bottle of vodka. I finished all of them in a few days, as I'm on vacation from work. And I realized that my craving for alcohol has gone up. When I took the cork out of the bottle of wine and drank like water in the desert, I knew I really had a problem. You know very well what I'm talking about. It definitely sucks to realize I'm dealing with two things now.
Pazienza
Active Member
Yeah man, you got the disease, for sure. I've been where you are. And yes, you are dealing with two things right now. Nobody does well fighting two opponents at the same time -- pick the one you want to tackle first, then go from there. One thing at a time.
I got sober first. It made life a lot better, and I still count it as my greatest personal achievement. Everything I have tried to do was easier once I got the alcohol off my back, including fighting porn.
I understand what you mean about porn, and not wanting to just repeat yourself all the time. I don't even like to think about it, and I try to find something else to write about also. I think if we are constantly thinking about porn, it's the same difference as using it, because it is still dominating our lives. I also felt that way about alcohol. I could either have a shit life because I was drunk, or a shit life because I was craving alcohol. Not exactly a win-win.
Do you smoke? Do you use marijuana? Have you ever had a full psychiatric evaluation?
The reason I ask is because I recently found out I am bipolar. Now that I know this, things are actually easier to deal with. I finally understand my mood swings, and why they happen. If I had known this 10 years ago, it would have been a lot easier to stop drinking. I have found that the more we know ourselves, the more we can work with ourselves and not against ourselves. The problem with drinking is that it blocked me from myself, so I never got to know the guy on the inside. I've had to make up for lost time so I can get to know him. Not really easy at 40, but it's possible.
I wish I had more constructive things to say. I fear this is not really helpful. But then, I'm not trying to help as much as just have a conversation. I like that you talk about things other than porn, and talk about your trauma, and you bring something new to the table. I wish more people were able to be as brutally honest as you are, and I always read what you post. I have trauma too, a lot of it. It sucks. Therapy helps. We are on the same path, you and I. Maybe at different points on the path, but the still the same one.
Keep your head up, killer!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Hey man!
I don't smoke tobacco (I fucked around with cigarettes a little bit in my last year of high school and never touched them since) and I've never smoked marijuana. As for full psychiatric evaluation, I can't say I've had a very in depth look into my head but the psychotherapist that I used to go to told me I sounded Autistic based on what I was talking about and it didn't come as a surprise because I've been investigating if I'm on the Spectrum for a few years and we both basically came to the same conclusion. Me on the Spectrum explains some of the difficulties I have regarding quitting my addictions, my obsession with routines and habits (which I've heard it's an Autism thing). My alcohol and porn addiction work with routines and habit (obviously they do, for anybody). What I've noticed was that if I could get over the "meltdown" (this is a term they use in Autism spectrum) that comes with me not following my "routine", I might have a chance to leave those addictions behind. I went 45 days without alcohol so it's definitely doable.
What happens is this: It's not much until my shift is over and I can leave. The thought shows up right away: "Yo, so we can pass by the store and get something to drink." I say: "No, not today, we need to end this bullshit" and then the "meltdown" begins. In the end I would tell myself: "Okay, alright, we're passing by the store to get something to drink!" and then I calm down. I definitely need to find a way to get a period of time of "breaking the routines", maybe not doing it becomes itself another routine and then I could follow that. What I've noticed is that I have to face this idiotic discomfort and pain for a while, which is something that I didn't want to do. Without doing this I really have no chance. If I self-comfort myself any time I become upset over self-refusal to buy alcohol, this will keep going. It's definitely not easy though. Sometimes I could enter a very hard depression with suicidal thoughts over periods of abstinence from alcohol and/or porn. The pain is definitely not easy. But this is not an excuse. Some of us have it harder than others but this doesn't mean we can choose this as excuse and explanation and stay at the bottom of the hole.
Yes, finding out you have some disorder, mental illness, spectrum whatever it is or whatever it's called, especially later in life is not fun. It hasn't been for me to do research about Autism at 28 and then at 32 to have a psychotherapist tell me I look like I'm on the spectrum. I had already known that for 4 years, actually I was so sure because it was very obvious. But again, this is not an excuse for us to take the easy way out. Some people might go from point A to point B, some might need to go from A to C, to D, to E and finally B but all of us can get there. All of us can end up having a stable, calm life. But it doesn't come sitting on the couch. It requires hard work.
Don't worry, man. I know, trauma sucks. It's taken me years and years to finally admit that I don't have to see myself as a piece of shit every day. And as "simple" as this mind sound like, the process of fully fitting this concept into your brain takes time. It takes time to finally understand that maybe I was a loser good for nothing, maybe I still am, but I don't have to be for the next 20 years as well. One thing that happens is that for some of us this "growth" asks for a lot of suffering, discomfort, pain, some of us don't want that and choose the easy way of the comfort (addictions, our nice routines etc.). I guess what we have to do is to accept that in order to reach that point where we want to be, we have to "embrace the suck" as the say in the military (I almost got into military when I was in elementary school but it didn't happen. Wonder where I would've been today).
Anyway man, thanks for the support.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 1
My day to day life is sad. Actually embarrassing. I basically go to work, come home, sit in front of computer, play videos games, jerk off to porn, watch stupid stuff that doesn't teach me nothing, eat for taste and dopamine etc. you got the picture. After hearing how my life is, it's definitely cringe, you can say it's embarrassing. So I've been trying to do something about it. I've bought some sort of electric piano, I want to learn how to play some stuff. Today I went out of the house to a park and did some exercise on some of the bars and bodyweight kind of whatever their called and for someone who hasn't had anything to do with exercise in a century (last time happened when I was in high school so that makes it 1923, a century ago, that's when I was in high school), it was crazy and I will definitely be sore tomorrow. The only problem with this is to keep doing it, not just one day and forget about it. Definitely so much alcohol and porn binging has made me feel completely drained, I can't feel shit, I'm struggling to enjoy anything I've been doing today but it's not gonna be forever.
My day to day life is sad. Actually embarrassing. I basically go to work, come home, sit in front of computer, play videos games, jerk off to porn, watch stupid stuff that doesn't teach me nothing, eat for taste and dopamine etc. you got the picture. After hearing how my life is, it's definitely cringe, you can say it's embarrassing. So I've been trying to do something about it. I've bought some sort of electric piano, I want to learn how to play some stuff. Today I went out of the house to a park and did some exercise on some of the bars and bodyweight kind of whatever their called and for someone who hasn't had anything to do with exercise in a century (last time happened when I was in high school so that makes it 1923, a century ago, that's when I was in high school), it was crazy and I will definitely be sore tomorrow. The only problem with this is to keep doing it, not just one day and forget about it. Definitely so much alcohol and porn binging has made me feel completely drained, I can't feel shit, I'm struggling to enjoy anything I've been doing today but it's not gonna be forever.