Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Also 3 days sober.
Escape and never come back
- Thread starter Escapeandnevercomeback
- Start date
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
The reason why my streaks always look like that ( Day 3 alcohol / Day 2 porn) is because I get drunk, jerk off to porn (binge), then I binge PMO again the next day to fuckin soothe my hangover....
Did you say whether you have ever tried a treatment center? With medical supervision you might be able to withdraw from all your addictions at one time...and thereby gain a truly fresh start. Maybe check your insurance.
In some cases, it can be dangerous to try to eliminate alcohol without medical supervision.
In some cases, it can be dangerous to try to eliminate alcohol without medical supervision.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 3
"I'm just letting it wash all over me or wash through me... clean me out from the inside.
This internal sea. The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam . . . that poison is diluted by the sea, but once the ocean rolls out, it leaves the shite behind, inside my body. It takes as well as gives, it washes away my endorphins, my pain resistance centres; they take a long time to come back.
The wallpaper is horrific in this shite–pit of a room. It terrorises me. Some coffin–dodger must have put it up years ago . . . appropriate, because that's what I am, a coffin–dodger, and my reflexes are not getting any better . . . but it's all here, all within my sweaty grasp. Syringe, needle, spoon, candle, lighter, packet of powder. It's all okay, it's all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is gonna subside soon, leaving this poisonous shire washed up, stranded up in my body.
I start to cook up another shot. As I shakily hold the spoon over the candle, waiting for the junk to dissolve, I think; more short–term sea, more long–term poison. This thought though, is nowhere near sufficient to stop me from doing what I have to do."
- Trainspotting
"I'm just letting it wash all over me or wash through me... clean me out from the inside.
This internal sea. The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam . . . that poison is diluted by the sea, but once the ocean rolls out, it leaves the shite behind, inside my body. It takes as well as gives, it washes away my endorphins, my pain resistance centres; they take a long time to come back.
The wallpaper is horrific in this shite–pit of a room. It terrorises me. Some coffin–dodger must have put it up years ago . . . appropriate, because that's what I am, a coffin–dodger, and my reflexes are not getting any better . . . but it's all here, all within my sweaty grasp. Syringe, needle, spoon, candle, lighter, packet of powder. It's all okay, it's all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is gonna subside soon, leaving this poisonous shire washed up, stranded up in my body.
I start to cook up another shot. As I shakily hold the spoon over the candle, waiting for the junk to dissolve, I think; more short–term sea, more long–term poison. This thought though, is nowhere near sufficient to stop me from doing what I have to do."
- Trainspotting
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 4
"All I'd been doing in all those years was just rearranging the furniture on Titanic. But the ship sank every time."
- Brandon Novak
"All I'd been doing in all those years was just rearranging the furniture on Titanic. But the ship sank every time."
- Brandon Novak
Last edited:
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I don't really have something to say that I haven't said before. I'm coming here after jerking off to porn every day for maybe a week and getting drunk every 2 days, finishing bottles of wine. I'm not declaring anything big anymore. It's easy to come here and say: "Alright, this time is really the time, I'mma kill it, I'm completely done with porn from today." And then PMO in 2 hours and the next 2 days too. That's why I don't want to claim big things anymore. Only one thing I want to say: I'm just trying to get out of this fuckin phase, even though it feels like a fuckin mountain.
Two things I want to say actually: I'm also trying to get into 12 steps meetings, but I am not sure how and when this is going to happen. Last time I ran away because of my terrible social anxiety. I was asked to get involved into the conversation and I freaked out. Maybe if I could get some momentum with my abstinence and (maybe) have less anxiety (?) then I could try again to go to meetings.
I don't know what else to say. It's day 1. The same fuckin stupid day 1 that I'm tired of.
Two things I want to say actually: I'm also trying to get into 12 steps meetings, but I am not sure how and when this is going to happen. Last time I ran away because of my terrible social anxiety. I was asked to get involved into the conversation and I freaked out. Maybe if I could get some momentum with my abstinence and (maybe) have less anxiety (?) then I could try again to go to meetings.
I don't know what else to say. It's day 1. The same fuckin stupid day 1 that I'm tired of.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I basically didn't even want to come here again because I felt it was pointless to keep coming and declare relapses.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 0
“Unhappiness. There are all kinds of unhappy people in the world. I suppose it would be no exaggeration to say that the world is composed entirely of unhappy people. But those people can fight their unhappiness with society fairly and squarly, and society for its part easily understands and sympathizes with such struggles. My unhappiness stemmed entirely from my own vices, and I had no way of fighting anybody."
- Osamu Dazai, No longer human
“Unhappiness. There are all kinds of unhappy people in the world. I suppose it would be no exaggeration to say that the world is composed entirely of unhappy people. But those people can fight their unhappiness with society fairly and squarly, and society for its part easily understands and sympathizes with such struggles. My unhappiness stemmed entirely from my own vices, and I had no way of fighting anybody."
- Osamu Dazai, No longer human
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 0
Still trapped in this bullshit.
Still trapped in this bullshit.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Only 1 fuckin day away from this bullshit, had urges in the morning. I feel like absolute shit. Porn and alcohol, in the last 15 years, succeeded in fuckin me up completely and destroyed my brain. I feel trapped in this bullshit world of euphoria and sedation with no end in sight. I feel less and less mentally capable of fighting this shit. I'm mentally exhausted from relapsing over and over the fuck again. Probably it's not an exageration to say that I'm heading towards a complete breakdown. I was even thinking to do something to obtain some meds.
Blondie
Respected Member
Don't give up brother. I'm being honest when I say this, you inspire me. I'm not bullshiting you either, or being facetious. I don't judge a man by his so called "results", I judge him by his spirit and honesty, you got those two things in spades. You're always here. You're always fighting, and no one is making you do this. That's a testament to you and your strength.
Keep fighting the fight
Best
Keep fighting the fight
Best
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Thanks for the support brother. It's not going to well for me at the moment.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
3 PMOs yesterday, 2 PMOs today so far... Still trapped in this bullshit world of self-medication.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
3 PMOs........
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 1
I'm fuckin tired of this bullshit, man. How the fuck can you be so ridiculous to live a groundhog day every fuckin time, man? Well, a groundhog year, because I repeat the same fuckin year again and again. It's almost fuckin October, the end of the year is so close, I remember when it started, and I thought it was going to be my best year. Guess what? I didn't do shit and this year looks like last year. I started this fuckin year with a 15 days streak thinking I could do it, I developed a very severe suicidal depression, I decided to relapse to save myself and then fuck it, I completely gave up, I don't even remember when I had a decent streak last time this year. I'm fuckin ridiculous, man. This is not the way to do this shit. Only fuckin excuses. That's why I ain't goin nowhere.
I'm fuckin tired of this bullshit, man. How the fuck can you be so ridiculous to live a groundhog day every fuckin time, man? Well, a groundhog year, because I repeat the same fuckin year again and again. It's almost fuckin October, the end of the year is so close, I remember when it started, and I thought it was going to be my best year. Guess what? I didn't do shit and this year looks like last year. I started this fuckin year with a 15 days streak thinking I could do it, I developed a very severe suicidal depression, I decided to relapse to save myself and then fuck it, I completely gave up, I don't even remember when I had a decent streak last time this year. I'm fuckin ridiculous, man. This is not the way to do this shit. Only fuckin excuses. That's why I ain't goin nowhere.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Fuckin massive urges, man, I can barely resist.