Escape and never come back

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
What's the use in going a few days clean, maybe a week, get congratulated by the forum for 1 week then binge the fuck out and be told by the forum: "Don't worry, man, you could go 1 week!" Now I know what Orbiter was talking about, even though it's an old post. Ain't no fuckin glory in doing it like this.

Is it great that I've achieved 1 week clean? For me it's not, not after 8 years of doing this shit and 4-5 on this forum. It's not. 1 week is shit. 1 week is all I can do after 8 years of trying to quit PMO and more than 10 on trying to quit masturbation, that's why it's ridiculous and weak. I should be more unforgiving with myself for doing things like that. I don't care what people want to tell me, that I should be compassionate with myself whatever, whatever, I don't care about this shit anymore. After 8 fuckin years all I can do is 1 week then crash hard, I need to bring the disciplinary program for myself.

Can I be ridiculous enough to die binging PMO over and over the fuck again? Sure. That's what I've been doing. What I HAVEN'T been doing is actually quit.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Blondie said:
I get this, my bad. You want results not pats on the back.

Best
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I wasn't particularly about you, I appreciate the support, I was just saying in general that I'm tired to get compliments from people for achieving something that by this time for me is ridiculous, streaks like 1 week. I've been doing this for at least 8 years, I need to do better. I am talking about me, I'm not talking about what other people want to hear, I just know that by this time what I feel like I need is exactly the opposite, stuff like: "Bro, you've been doing this for years, this is all you can do?" Maybe people don't want to say those things, maybe it feels like they affect the person in cause in a negative way by coming on too aggresive etc. and for sure in the beginning probably I wouldn't have liked people to tell me those things either but after doing this for years I feel like I've fallen too much into "1 week is great" which for me it's not anymore, I need more progress, better determination, better willpower, better discipline. I haven't been doing this for 1 month only. I'm not saying I want you to tell me those things if they don't come natural and if it's natural for you, or anybody else, to give me high five for an achievement, I want it after something more significant, let's say 1 month. Maybe it might sound like I'm being harsh with myself or whatever but honestly I don't know what else to do man. It's not working, I'm not getting significant progress, I need to bring the disciplinary regime to myself. I need to be more strict. Because I'm fuckin tired, man. I will be 33 in 2 weeks. And best I can in months is 1 week? Or 10 days? This is ridiculous, seriously. I can't be too comfortable with shit progress. I need more than this if I want to make it.
 
forceisstrong2

forceisstrong2

Active Member
Hey man,

I get the anger, that's good. It means you want to beat this fucking thing. People on this forum are here to support you because they've been through this, are dealing with some of the same stuff, and it is better to be positive than to beat someone who is already feeling like shit down.

I've said this to you loads of times, but I'll say it to you again. You need to join AA or something like that. You can't do this alone, not without help and support from good people. And those people are out there and they will help you. You aren't the first person in the world who has to deal with addiction. And I'm sure there are many, many more people even in worse places than you right now. Also, you are only 32. You are at the start of your life. You can put this bullshit behind you, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start right now to take control of your life.

One other thing. What you say here doesn't work 'I need better determination, better willpower, better discipline." It doesn't work because porn and alcohol has highjacked your reward circuit in your brain. For the first one or two months of recovery, you just can't trust your brain. It'll lie, try to seduce, do whatever it takes to get you back drinking/binging on porn. You don't have willpower/discipline. That's why you are caught in this cycle. That's why something like AA would be great for you. It is about turning up, going to meeting, building slowly over time that willpower and discipline. Until you are at that stage, I suggest using porn blockers on your computers and phone and giving passwords to friends, etc.

You can do this. You can break this cycle. But only by going out and getting the help that you so obviously need.

Best brother always
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback - not going to soft soap you. As well (or instead) as AA, there’s also SAA. (Sex Addicts Anon) groups. You will find kindred souls there. Some accountability. People who truly understand the depth of pain.

When I started my journey I was spineless and weak. Everyone is. Get help from these groups, work the twelve steps, get a sponsor, man up and get a backbone. It’s life changing. Truly.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I wasn't particularly about you, I appreciate the support, I was just saying in general that I'm tired to get compliments from people for achieving something that by this time for me is ridiculous, streaks like 1 week. I've been doing this for at least 8 years, I need to do better. I am talking about me, I'm not talking about what other people want to hear, I just know that by this time what I feel like I need is exactly the opposite, stuff like: "Bro, you've been doing this for years, this is all you can do?" Maybe people don't want to say those things, maybe it feels like they affect the person in cause in a negative way by coming on too aggresive etc. and for sure in the beginning probably I wouldn't have liked people to tell me those things either but after doing this for years I feel like I've fallen too much into "1 week is great" which for me it's not anymore, I need more progress, better determination, better willpower, better discipline. I haven't been doing this for 1 month only. I'm not saying I want you to tell me those things if they don't come natural and if it's natural for you, or anybody else, to give me high five for an achievement, I want it after something more significant, let's say 1 month. Maybe it might sound like I'm being harsh with myself or whatever but honestly I don't know what else to do man. It's not working, I'm not getting significant progress, I need to bring the disciplinary regime to myself. I need to be more strict. Because I'm fuckin tired, man. I will be 33 in 2 weeks. And best I can in months is 1 week? Or 10 days? This is ridiculous, seriously. I can't be too comfortable with shit progress. I need more than this if I want to make it.
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Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback, I get this.

Now hear me out here, you might not think I can understand, but I definitely can. When I relapsed a while back, my life just fucking stopped dead in its tracks, and although everyone here was "nice" and encouraging to me, there was a part of me that didn't like that, especially after a few more relapses during the next couple of weeks. Why would I say this? Well because deep down inside, I knew I was fucking up, and no one was calling me out on it. Sure, the first relapse was a complete mistake, and was a "perfect storm" of accidents that just happened to align on one particular night that sent me back to the filth that I hate so much, however, all those other small relapses afterwards were me just being a fucking moron, and there's honestly no other way to describe it. I knew I wasn't doing what I should be doing to stay clean. I knew starting to count "2000 days free" was stupid and was me only trying to protect my ego etc. I knew many things but was doing NONE of them to get me back on track and set up for success, and thus, I was "struck" in the proverbial rut that everyone here, including yourself, knows all too well. Everyone at RN was being "nice" and "supportive" however, no one was calling me out on my bullshit, and deep down, I didn't like that.

Of course, you have every right to say "Fuck you, Blondie! You were almost two years clean, so obviously you have no idea how it feels to try for years to get free, but get "nowhere", however, the fact remains, I still relapsed (plus a few more relapses for the hell of it!), and had to come to terms with the fact that I carried this bullshit into my 40s (my fucking 40s!) and didn't leave it behind once for all in my 30s which was my plan all along. I too had to come to terms with the fact that I had been "trying" to be free for over five years now, but yet, fell back into the filth all over again. Talk about a mind blow. Talk about the mind fuck of all mind fucks. To think you're free, but then realize you're not, and that the yoke of bondage is still placed around your neck. And then, to have everyone tell you "It's okay Blondie" when it's NOT okay. I wanted freedom goddamnit, not slavery for the rest of my life!

So where is the line between encouraging each other and bullshitting? I'm not exactly sure, but I do know this, being "nice" sometimes is the last thing we need.

To anyone reading this who was encouraging to me in my time of need over the last few months, please don't misunderstand me here, we all need encouragement and love, and it blew my mind how much I received from this community when I needed it most, and I'm extremely thankful for it, so don't read this in the wrong way. However, I'm just explaining how I felt after having my big relapse and the psychology going on in my mind at that time, and how sometimes I felt I needed more than just "love" and pats on the back, especially after the third and fourth relapse.

Needless to say, I hear what you're saying Escape.

The question is and has always been, are we here to be porn recovery junkies for the rest of our lives with all the "right knowledge", or, life affirming junkies with actual results, minus some setbacks? I know where I stand, and it's clearly in the latter category.

Best brother.

There are two types of people in this world: those who dream about climbing Mt. Everest (one day) and those who actually climb it.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Blondie said:
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback, I get this.

Now hear me out here, you might not think I can understand, but I definitely can. When I relapsed a while back, my life just fucking stopped dead in its tracks, and although everyone here was "nice" and encouraging to me, there was a part of me that didn't like that, especially after a few more relapses during the next couple of weeks. Why would I say this? Well because deep down inside, I knew I was fucking up, and no one was calling me out on it. Sure, the first relapse was a complete mistake, and was a "perfect storm" of accidents that just happened to align on one particular night that sent me back to the filth that I hate so much, however, all those other small relapses afterwards were me just being a fucking moron, and there's honestly no other way to describe it. I knew I wasn't doing what I should be doing to stay clean. I knew starting to count "2000 days free" was stupid and was me only trying to protect my ego etc. I knew many things but was doing NONE of them to get me back on track and set up for success, and thus, I was "struck" in the proverbial rut that everyone here, including yourself, knows all too well. Everyone at RN was being "nice" and "supportive" however, no one was calling me out on my bullshit, and deep down, I didn't like that.

Of course, you have every right to say "Fuck you, Blondie! You were almost two years clean, so obviously you have no idea how it feels to try for years to get free, but get "nowhere", however, the fact remains, I still relapsed (plus a few more relapses for the hell of it!), and had to come to terms with the fact that I carried this bullshit into my 40s (my fucking 40s!) and didn't leave it behind once for all in my 30s which was my plan all along. I too had to come to terms with the fact that I had been "trying" to be free for over five years now, but yet, fell back into the filth all over again. Talk about a mind blow. Talk about the mind fuck of all mind fucks. To think you're free, but then realize you're not, and that the yoke of bondage is still placed around your neck. And then, to have everyone tell you "It's okay Blondie" when it's NOT okay. I wanted freedom goddamnit, not slavery for the rest of my life!

So where is the line between encouraging each other and bullshitting? I'm not exactly sure, but I do know this, being "nice" sometimes is the last thing we need.

To anyone reading this who was encouraging to me in my time of need over the last few months, please don't misunderstand me here, we all need encouragement and love, and it blew my mind how much I received from this community when I needed it most, and I'm extremely thankful for it, so don't read this in the wrong way. However, I'm just explaining how I felt after having my big relapse and the psychology going on in my mind at that time, and how sometimes I felt I needed more than just "love" and pats on the back, especially after the third and fourth relapse.

Needless to say, I hear what you're saying Escape.

The question is and has always been, are we here to be porn recovery junkies for the rest of our lives with all the "right knowledge", or, life affirming junkies with actual results, minus some setbacks? I know where I stand, and it's clearly in the latter category.

Best brother.

There are two types of people in this world: those who dream about climbing Mt. Everest (one day) and those who actually climb it.
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Hey man, you couldn't have said it better, you've said it better than I've ever could, I'm glad you understand the whole thing, this is what I was trying to say. Sometimes I need someone to call me out on my bullshit and tell me it's not ok what I've been doing.

When I wrote that I was pretty angry with the whole thing, man, not being able to get a significant longer streak is very annoying but then I thought maybe I came out too hard with that reply, I was even thinking: "Shit, man, maybe I shouldn't have posted that."

Just like you say, I think there are times when you want the support, times when you want to be called out because you're not doing it right. I'm not asking people to do what it's not natural for them though. But the way I am, if I had a close friend addicted to pornography and not doing what he has to do to quit, I would definitely call him out, I rather preffer you to hate me but change rather than staying the same, but since I'm not close friends with anybody around the forum I didn't want to do that. I just think that in that moment I was more tired than ever to get "pats on the back", I preffered to be called out and I did it myself to myself in that post anyway.

But I understand you, Blondie. I will never say anything like: "That's right, man, it's easy for you to talk, you're coming after 2 years porn free" because I know how annoying it is to return back to it after a long period like that, I think I would be even more pissed off for that than my current weekly PMO routine. We definitely want to be done with this for good. Sometimes I have this feeling that I know everything I have to do but I'm half-assing it. Probably this asks for more grinding, pain and suffering.

What you're saying about carrying it into your 40s, this is what I'm the most afraid of to be honest, to move into another decade of my life and still be a fuckin porn junkie and an alcoholic. I was in my 20s, I carried those fuckin things in my 30s and I still don't have a good grip on quitting all this self-medicating bullshit that I've been doing for so long. I think this is the part that I hate the most, the self-medicating aspect of it. Sometimes it makes me feel weak, like all I can do with my life is jerk off and get drunk.

So yes, I don't know what else to say, I didn't know how you would take what I said but as it turned out, you understand it perfectly.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
GBS said:
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback - not going to soft soap you. As well (or instead) as AA, there’s also SAA. (Sex Addicts Anon) groups. You will find kindred souls there. Some accountability. People who truly understand the depth of pain.

When I started my journey I was spineless and weak. Everyone is. Get help from these groups, work the twelve steps, get a sponsor, man up and get a backbone. It’s life changing. Truly.
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Hey man, thanks for the suggestion and support.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
forceisstrong2 said:
Hey man,

I get the anger, that's good. It means you want to beat this fucking thing. People on this forum are here to support you because they've been through this, are dealing with some of the same stuff, and it is better to be positive than to beat someone who is already feeling like shit down.

I've said this to you loads of times, but I'll say it to you again. You need to join AA or something like that. You can't do this alone, not without help and support from good people. And those people are out there and they will help you. You aren't the first person in the world who has to deal with addiction. And I'm sure there are many, many more people even in worse places than you right now. Also, you are only 32. You are at the start of your life. You can put this bullshit behind you, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start right now to take control of your life.

One other thing. What you say here doesn't work 'I need better determination, better willpower, better discipline." It doesn't work because porn and alcohol has highjacked your reward circuit in your brain. For the first one or two months of recovery, you just can't trust your brain. It'll lie, try to seduce, do whatever it takes to get you back drinking/binging on porn. You don't have willpower/discipline. That's why you are caught in this cycle. That's why something like AA would be great for you. It is about turning up, going to meeting, building slowly over time that willpower and discipline. Until you are at that stage, I suggest using porn blockers on your computers and phone and giving passwords to friends, etc.

You can do this. You can break this cycle. But only by going out and getting the help that you so obviously need.

Best brother always
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You're probably right, man, maybe this is what I should do. I didn't take getting help too seriously, I only went to 3 days of therapy, attended 1 SA meeting, it's pretty ridiculous to think I can do this alone but this is what I've been trying to prove to myself and everyone else in all this time and maybe this is not the right way.

Anyway, thanks for the support.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day -1

It's not even Day 0 anymore, I'm below that. Yesterday I broke my 1 week sobriety streak, got drunk with vodka but I didn't PMO, I PMOed however today, to "soothe" my fuckin hangover... There is not more to say that I haven't already said. No new changes or progress.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
There’s a guy in the SAA group I attend who keeps relapsing - last week he said to me “why are you always so fuckin’ nice to me when I fuck up?” I said I didn’t know. He said sorry. I said it’s just because I know everyone has it inside them to do this, just simply it’s fucking hard work. If a heroin addict goes cold turkey, he/she has several weeks of utter hell. In fact they almost can’t do it unless they’re locked in a cell. But it can be done (by being locked up). So get some serious porn blockers on your devices. Get friends to look after passwords. That’s the closest thing to a cell. If you don’t do something like that but just keep relapsing, it becomes hard to understand if you want to really get rid of it all.

I SO hope you take yourself to task, and do something active to get better.

I could finish this with an apology but I am presuming you will respect me more if I don’t.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
GBS said:
There’s a guy in the SAA group I attend who keeps relapsing - last week he said to me “why are you always so fuckin’ nice to me when I fuck up?” I said I didn’t know. He said sorry. I said it’s just because I know everyone has it inside them to do this, just simply it’s fucking hard work. If a heroin addict goes cold turkey, he/she has several weeks of utter hell. In fact they almost can’t do it unless they’re locked in a cell. But it can be done (by being locked up). So get some serious porn blockers on your devices. Get friends to look after passwords. That’s the closest thing to a cell. If you don’t do something like that but just keep relapsing, it becomes hard to understand if you want to really get rid of it all.
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Hey man.

I understand what you mean. It takes work for sure. You know, it's been some time since that post where I was basically trying to say, of course everyone got the idea, that sometimes I need someone to call me out and tell me I ain't doing shit, I am not doing the right thing, I'm half-assing this after years. But I get what you mean. Maybe sometimes people don't want to come out too aggressive and tell a bunch of stuff to some guy who is down already because of all the relapsing, I get that part, it was more like "I wish..." I wish there was some David Goggins-type of guy to beat my ass for all the half-assing I'm doing, sometimes that's what one needs. I'm not saying this is what you probably need to hear every day, but sometimes you do need if you are not on the right track. I've been on Reboot Nation for years, if 1 week is all I can, it's pretty pathetic.

Which leads to the second paragraph which is correct: I need to put more work into this, more urgency and more seriousness and hussle. I've been too arrogant to believe that I can do this without "the cell" like you call it. Someone else was telling me that you can't trust your brain in the beginning, that's right, you can't trust a hardcore porn addict's brain in the beginning, it's probably more like you have 10 % control, the brain has 90% in the beginning and you need to restrain those 90% somehow. You can't just go right there in the open and expect your 10% to overthrow the fuckin tank. Not until you become the 90%, but that won't come in the first month. Not if you are me, at least. I can't trust my brain and I can't even trust msyelf that I won't touch that fuckin porn button. Porn blockers actually sounds a good idea. I kept saying I don't need that, I can find a way around them, if it's not me who restrains myself then what? But I don't think I'm right.

I could finish this with an apology but I am presuming you will respect me more if I don’t.
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I rather hear what I have to hear, you know, that sugarcoat this, get nice words, pats on the back, and stay the same. At this moment I'm too tired of this fuckin continous relapsing to want to hear nice things. I rather preffer people to tell me what they really think about what I do.
 
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