Escape and never come back

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I think going down this CPTSD path is a great thing. I wouldn't get too hung up on trying to quit porn at the moment. I don't mean you should purposely seek it out, but just spending that energy figuring this stuff out might be the better use of your time. If I can say anything with the streaks I've had in my past, over half of my success has been figuring out this stuff and moving forward. We all have our reasons, and getting to the bottom of those reasons and trauma is a big deal of this journey. I commend you for always charging forward, even if it doesn't "feel" like you are sometimes. It's very brave.

Best brother.
Blondie
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I think going down this CPTSD path is a great thing. I wouldn't get too hung up on trying to quit porn at the moment. I don't mean you should purposely seek it out, but just spending that energy figuring this stuff out might be the better use of your time. If I can say anything with the streaks I've had in my past, over half of my success has been figuring out this stuff and moving forward. We all have our reasons, and getting to the bottom of those reasons and trauma is a big deal of this journey. I commend you for always charging forward, even if it doesn't "feel" like you are sometimes. It's very brave.

Best brother.
Blondie
Thanks, man. I appreciate the support.
 

the_badger

Member
Hey escape!
How is it going with finding a treatment center and getting this process in motion? Or at least finding a therapist to start with (although I still think, stationary rehab for a few weeks or even months would be best).
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey escape!
How is it going with finding a treatment center and getting this process in motion? Or at least finding a therapist to start with (although I still think, stationary rehab for a few weeks or even months would be best).
Hey man. I definitely agree that being able to pause the type of life I live these days, disconnect from everything, the job, the house I live in where I jerk off to porn and go somewhere and spend some time working on myself would be a lot better than trying to work on this while everything else is the same, especially my job because my job since the beginning of the year (when I got promoted) has been affecting my mental health. But I don't really know how it's going to be.

At least if I can't work on a retreat like that, I need to find some center or some doctors to address my problems. I've been researching this Complex PTSD thing (some people also call it CPTSD or Complex trauma even) which I didn't even know it existed, I knew PTSD and I didn't think it applied to me but when I discovered CPTSD for the first time I was watching a video and it sounded too familiar, it described me too much. So that's what I want to put on the table when I go to therapy and stuff like that, I want to see what they think about it.

I've heard a doctor saying that maybe some of the mental health issues and personality disorders that people have been diagnosed with could in fact be CPTSD manifestations and it made sense to hear that, I wonder if this is the case for me, as I was told in my previous therapy experience that I described behaviors of Obsessive Compulsive, anxiety, panic disorder and even autism (but more when I was a kid than now, when I talked about my childhood). On top of this I have problems with sounds (especially when I try to sleep which has become a bigger problem for a while). But coming back to my job, the combination of OCD-like manifestations and panic episodes hasn't been too helpful to me in taking care of my new responsibilities at work and my mental health has gone out the window completely since January. That's why I was saying that I wish I could take time off my life, I would say even for a few months, and work on whatever it's happening but I don't know if it's going to come to fruition. I need to see some doctors though.

And yes I know, this post comes after a while and obviously I haven't put anything in motion which is what I do, it's totally characteristic of me and it's not helping me one bit, I know that. I have this big repulsion and fear regarding talking about my problems, it's been pretty difficult for me to even do it here anonymously and with text. In person, I dread it. I don't like how I look when I have to do it. I did it a little bit last time in therapy and it was mega uncomfortable. It's the reason why I actually stopped therapy and deluded myself (as always) with "I'm going to do it by myself, I'll find something" which hasn't happened and I'm talking about last year when I went to therapy but since then I got promoted and I've literally "lost my marbles". I've been struggling hard with my mental health because of my job, I even considered quitting it at one point. This promotion has exacerbated the problems that I had. I wasn't doing great before but all it needed was a trigger to blow everything out of proportion. But yes, this avoidance of exposing my problems is the biggest obstacle for me which if I overcome, probably good things should happen. It's definitely a conditioning that got me to this point, I don't know if I can remember details about how it was created, where it started etc (maybe in childhood) but it complicates everything. However, I knew there was going to come a day when I would have to expose myself and the part of my story which I've been hiding. I went to therapy but I didn't reveal everything however at that point I was investigating whether I had disorders or not (OCD etc.) but since I've discovered this CPTSD thing (for a couple of months or so) it could probably explain why I ended up doing some things, the things that I've been avoiding to reveal about myself but I don't think anymore that I can be saved if I don't go through the "embarrassing" thing of "exposing" myself.

Anyway, thanks for the support. Keep grinding.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
And also, I will probably post less in my journal because I am tired of repeating the same shit, I want to write when I have something else, something substantial. I am sick of writing the same fuckin things, same relapses in the same way, same problems, same self-imposed lack of progress, same avoidance of looking for help. If it makes sense.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I know I've said I wasn't going to post too much here but here we go, 1 day without PMO... It's very little but I want to try to at least stay away from it for a while, for how long I can do it because I'm exhausted with all the binging I've been doing. Yesterday I PMOed 6 times, the day before 5 times, you see what I'm sayin? I PMO multiple times with streaks that are like 2-3 days and it shows. I want a little break with a longer streak this time, I used to do better before, longer streaks despise the variables being not much different than nowadays so I know I can. I need to focus.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I want a little break with a longer streak this time, I used to do better before, longer streaks despise the variables being not much different than nowadays so I know I can. I need to focus.

I know you can, too, Escape! Just don't get caught up in your head. If we think about it, fine- but notice yourself, are we obsessing? This can be on thoughts for or against the behaviors.

Just be in the moment, don't try to project into the future or the past (like, 'What if I lapse tomorrow?' or 'I lapsed yesterday'). Just be here now. If you have that sense of 'base-line' or normalcy (whatever that may look like), know that you will always come back down, and you don't need all the extras to get there.

Always feel free to stop yourself, like, why am I feeling agitated? Or, why are my thoughts being so negative right now? Or, why am I feeling down right now? If no answers come up, that's fine. At least you're being self-aware. Or, if answers come up, then you can decide to just 'feel' that way, or turn your mood around, naturally, without all the extras.

Always, always, be non-judgmental. Get rid of the shame and the blame. Its all a big misunderstanding, somewhere along the way (years ago), we found something that seemed to help the feelings of pain, loneliness, or any other feelings that we didn't know how to process. This 'something' we found became a habit (brains do what they do best, try to protect us), the habit then itself became an addiction. But no worries, if we're patient with ourselves, we can untangle ourselves from it, even grow out of it. We gain control (ironically) by letting go.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know you can, too, Escape! Just don't get caught up in your head. If we think about it, fine- but notice yourself, are we obsessing? This can be on thoughts for or against the behaviors.

Just be in the moment, don't try to project into the future or the past (like, 'What if I lapse tomorrow?' or 'I lapsed yesterday'). Just be here now. If you have that sense of 'base-line' or normalcy (whatever that may look like), know that you will always come back down, and you don't need all the extras to get there.

Always feel free to stop yourself, like, why am I feeling agitated? Or, why are my thoughts being so negative right now? Or, why am I feeling down right now? If no answers come up, that's fine. At least you're being self-aware. Or, if answers come up, then you can decide to just 'feel' that way, or turn your mood around, naturally, without all the extras.

Always, always, be non-judgmental. Get rid of the shame and the blame. Its all a big misunderstanding, somewhere along the way (years ago), we found something that seemed to help the feelings of pain, loneliness, or any other feelings that we didn't know how to process. This 'something' we found became a habit (brains do what they do best, try to protect us), the habit then itself became an addiction. But no worries, if we're patient with ourselves, we can untangle ourselves from it, even grow out of it. We gain control (ironically) by letting go.
Hey man. Thanks for stopping by to offer advice and support.

I guess that's the hardest part for me, man. To be non-judgmental and care about myself more. It comes after a long period of being hard on myself but I'm working on it.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
So I relapsed and I've made the decision to stop counting days around here until I have something more substantial going on. This practice of counting the days is not helping, maybe it has it's place at one point in time but I'm not there. There is no point for me in counting Day 1, Day 2 etc. only to relapse on day 3 or 4 and reset. I will probably update the journal when I have something to say, if it makes sense. All I can say for now is that I've found this center and I'm scared as fuck to call.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback,

I understand this. If counting days is not helping, then there's no reason to do it. Just do what you need to do to get better in general. We all have to do what is best for us, and sometimes that looks different than someone else. I would definitely call that center that you mentioned, something different could be great. It's very heroic to be thinking about doing so.

Stay strong man
Best
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback,

I understand this. If counting days is not helping, then there's no reason to do it. Just do what you need to do to get better in general. We all have to do what is best for us, and sometimes that looks different than someone else. I would definitely call that center that you mentioned, something different could be great. It's very heroic to be thinking about doing so.

Stay strong man
Best
Yes, counting days when the streaks are always small has become counterproductive for me these days. I see no point in coming here, do "Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 0 relapse" over and over again, I don't see the benefit of this.

Thanks for support.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Relapsed two days in a row. I had thought I could get a much necessary longer streak this time (because I haven't had longer streaks in a year) but I entertained some urges and some stupid thoughts about some fetish, came home after afternoon shift late in the evening and started PMO. But after two minutes the urges disappeared and I wasn't having any fun with it, it was completely anti-climatic, just going through the motion like a robot. I PMOed twice then I woke up this morning and PMOed some more. And I only had small urges, that's the sad thing.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I think that's because the 'dopamine hit' often talked about comes more from the searching than the actual act. It's frustrating I know, you just slip into it and by the time the initial rush wears off you realised you've been tricked and it's already too late.

Keep trying man. We'll find our way one of these days.
Hey man.

I understand exactly what you mean. Sometimes I think I get more dopamine from entertaining porn thoughts than the actual session. This and the first 15 minutes or so into the PMO act because after that it starts to go down, I don't feel as euphoric and it's exactly how you say it, "Why the fuck am I here?" In that moment you realize you could've done something different and not begin in the first place, in that moment you have ideas but it's too late. When the dopamine frenzy goes down you always know what you could've done. But when the dopamine frenzy is going on, that's the problem. It's definitely very annoying to relapse so early into a streak that you really wanted to make it work. I'm literally a junkie this days with this shit. Jerking off so much to this shit that I don't feel shit anymore. It's absolutely imperative to do something, fake it till you make it or whatever and get a longer streak so I could start feeling better because nowadays I feel completely void of emotions.

Keep grinding, man. Thanks for support.
 
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