Escape and never come back

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
When I was in my darkest hole I got myself professional help from a councelor. It was a very important step, though really humbling at first. Are you talking to someone? It really is worth trying. Someone who specializes in addictions or sex/porn addiction in particular but there are also many resources to get help with depression.

Sometimes we just can't do this on our own and that doesn't make us losers.

All the best!
Hey man, I appreciate the help. You know, I've been thinking for a long time to seek professional help but (shout out to @forceisstrong2 for the book), I've read a part of The War of Art and I have learned a new term, Resistance. I'm very positive now that my Resistance is very strong. I know I should've looked for therapy help a long time ago. But I guess I need someone who specializes in trauma/PTSD type of stuff, you know. Because that's the root of my addictions and shit life. A human being has two "environments": Household and "everybody else", the social life, friends, relationships, school etc whatever you want to call it. The part with "everybody else" for me was a disaster all my life. I was bullied, I was unable to connect etc. And this has created a PTSD, a trauma sort of thing.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Give in to this resistance brother. To heal physically we need a doctor sometimes. To heal from PTSD and trauma, addiction, we sometimes also need a professional. We are told by society to deal with it, be a man, whatever. It's bullshit. Being a man should mean knowing when we need help and not being afraid to get it.

We are all very good at finding stuff on the internet. If you use some of those skills you've honed hunting for P, then I am confident you can find someone to help you with your mental health who you're comfortable with. Not sure where you live. Here this resource was really helpful for me:

I imagine similar directories exist in other places. I like that I could sort by type of therapy and type of issue I am facing.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Give in to this resistance brother. To heal physically we need a doctor sometimes. To heal from PTSD and trauma, addiction, we sometimes also need a professional. We are told by society to deal with it, be a man, whatever. It's bullshit. Being a man should mean knowing when we need help and not being afraid to get it.
We are all very good at finding stuff on the internet. If you use some of those skills you've honed hunting for P, then I am confident you can find someone to help you with your mental health who you're comfortable with. Not sure where you live. Here this resource was really helpful for me:

I imagine similar directories exist in other places. I like that I could sort by type of therapy and type of issue I am facing.
I know, man. I know I need help. I'm 31 and a wreck. Soon to be 32... and a wreck. I believe it is a combination of my brain (maybe I'm on the spectrum but it's just maybe cause I am not a doctor), then how people treated me and then ultimately my fault. And the result is an almost 32 years old bitter, depressed. This is not how I envisioned my life at 16. What the fuck happened, man?
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hey man, I appreciate the help. You know, I've been thinking for a long time to seek professional help but (shout out to @forceisstrong2 for the book), I've read a part of The War of Art and I have learned a new term, Resistance. I'm very positive now that my Resistance is very strong. I know I should've looked for therapy help a long time ago. But I guess I need someone who specializes in trauma/PTSD type of stuff, you know. Because that's the root of my addictions and shit life. A human being has two "environments": Household and "everybody else", the social life, friends, relationships, school etc whatever you want to call it. The part with "everybody else" for me was a disaster all my life. I was bullied, I was unable to connect etc. And this has created a PTSD, a trauma sort of thing.
I like this @Escapeandnevercomeback. There are probably reasons why all of us are here, and maybe how we get out of this is looking into this stuff. Seeking help from a professional is a good thing and can be really helpful. I admit I was very defensive the first time someone floated the idea for me, but I'm really glad I sought our a psychiatrist and started looking into what went wrong in my life.

Will also read this book, The War of Art, it sounds interesting.
 

forceisstrong2

Active Member
Hey Escape,

SimonM is right. It does sound like you're dealing with some tough issues and that you need to see a professional counselor or therapist. If I was you, I'd get on that ASAP.

All I will say is that when you do find a way past this addiction, life is so much better. And, man, you're only 31. You're young. You've your whole life ahead of you. Stay positive and reach out to people and do please get help.

We're all here for you, man.

All the best.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I like this @Escapeandnevercomeback. There are probably reasons why all of us are here, and maybe how we get out of this is looking into this stuff. Seeking help from a professional is a good thing and can be really helpful. I admit I was very defensive the first time someone floated the idea for me, but I'm really glad I sought our a psychiatrist and started looking into what went wrong in my life.

Will also read this book, The War of Art, it sounds interesting.
Hey, man, I know you're right. I don't even know why I don't want to seek professional help. I know, I have this big fear of opening up but why? Why is it so strong? Why am I doing this to myself? Maybe I know the answer: It's maybe because I'm almost 32 and immature, unstable and acting like a teenager still? And I'm afraid of being exposed like that? But anyway, thanks for support.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey Escape,

SimonM is right. It does sound like you're dealing with some tough issues and that you need to see a professional counselor or therapist. If I was you, I'd get on that ASAP.

All I will say is that when you do find a way past this addiction, life is so much better. And, man, you're only 31. You're young. You've your whole life ahead of you. Stay positive and reach out to people and do please get help.

We're all here for you, man.

All the best.
I know, man. I know you're right. I know I should've done this already long ago, years ago. It's clear I don't know how to do this myself. It's clear I'm lost, I'm dealing with trauma, PTSD or whatever it is. Maybe I have some disorders that I don't know about. I know that when I was a kid I showed Autism symptoms. In my late 20's I looked back at my childhood and discovered that but I'm not diagnosed so I won't refer to myself as on the spectrum out of respect for people who have the diagnose. I'm not a doctor. But what I can say for sure is that this "disorder" or whatever the fuck it was had a big impact on my childhood. As a result, I was bullied and isolated. This created a trauma. My addictions are a result of all this. At 14 I was masturbating daily to flashbacks of porn and fantasies created by using porn as a form of self-medication. But anyway, I know you're right, I know I need help. Thanks for the support.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

PMO x 1


Relapse.

I've been relapsing (binging in fact) constantly under a week since the beginning of September, actually I haven't even made it to day 5 yet this month. I jerk off to porn for soothing. Since the beginning of this month I've been experiencing lethargy, high anxiety, depression, a constant feeling of dread all day (even during days when I have nothing to worry about), excessive worrying, overthinking, feeling overwhelmed by everything, brain fog, shit concentration, shit memory, shit sleep and maybe more.

Lately, I've been sabotaging myself with porn binges right before events where I needed to have a longer streak going on and experience less of what I wrote in the first paragraph. But I've been grabbing my dick, edging and PMO-ing with absolutely no concern in the heat of the moment about my life, chasing desperately with narrow vision the high and the sedation and then when the events came, I beat myself in the head for being an idiot. I feel like shit for days for a moment of pleasure. I've been depressed daily, with no interest in life, since the beginning of September, maybe even before that. I've even being fuckin suicidal, I mean not suicidal like that but, you know, not being excited to be alive and stuff like that. I mean, I am really not excited to be alive like this, I don't feel well. I don't feel anything, absolutely anything. Actually, I do feel something: Depression, high anxiety and anger. I do feel three things. And nothing else. No joy, no excitement, no motivation, no drive, nothing.
 

daylight

New Member
hey man I don't have much to say, except that I'm in a similar place, 31 and been coping with porn and alcohol for a long time. I feel the same way about opening up to someone in real life, ashamed that I'm so immature and that I didn't take this seriously earlier, but I know I have to do it in order to get better, otherwise I just end up in the same old cycle. Hope you find the strength to get back on track
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I know that feeling, I have been the same all of my adult life - feeling like a kid or a teenager, emotionally immature and no idea what to do about it. I didn’t want help either, it took a breakup with the only girlfriend I’ve ever had for me to realise I had to get better. I was left with no friends, no network and no way to connect with anyone. So I bit the bullet, went to a therapist and it got me going with the things I needed to do.

I’m 35 now, that was 3 years ago. Believe me, it’s not too late to do that. The only thing you need is the willingness to talk to someone about your situation, like you said. Being exposed is not a bad thing here.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I know that feeling, I have been the same all of my adult life - feeling like a kid or a teenager, emotionally immature and no idea what to do about it. I didn’t want help either, it took a breakup with the only girlfriend I’ve ever had for me to realise I had to get better. I was left with no friends, no network and no way to connect with anyone. So I bit the bullet, went to a therapist and it got me going with the things I needed to do.

I’m 35 now, that was 3 years ago. Believe me, it’s not too late to do that. The only thing you need is the willingness to talk to someone about your situation, like you said. Being exposed is not a bad thing here.
Hey, man! Thanks for the help.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
hey man I don't have much to say, except that I'm in a similar place, 31 and been coping with porn and alcohol for a long time. I feel the same way about opening up to someone in real life, ashamed that I'm so immature and that I didn't take this seriously earlier, but I know I have to do it in order to get better, otherwise I just end up in the same old cycle. Hope you find the strength to get back on track
You know, I think in my case I ended up using porn as a way of dealing with life and as a result I didn't learn normal ways to deal with life and ended up more immature than I should be. I didn't really grow.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

My porn recovery is absolutely disastrous at the moment. I have 8 days without alcohol but I'm not sure it's going to last. I'm too depressed, I will probably seek alcohol comfort at one point.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

Feeling like shit. Life is a chore right now. I'm not excited about the day. I know it changes when I stay away from porn. But the key word here is "when". When I stay away from porn. I'm pretty devastated by how I started this month, binging, not having any control, losing myself completely. This is not what I'd wanted. This summer things looked promising but after relapsing at the end of August I got very dishearten. It looks just like last year. It's actually a mirror replica: Starting with big enthusiasm, "This year I'm done with porn", having some longer streaks then crashing hard in the second part of the year, entering a depressive phase and losing hope about the rest of the year. It's the same fucking shit. I can seriously be called "The deja vu guy". My life is really a circle that I spin in. It's like a hamster wheel; Running like crazy but going nowhere. And I haven't figured out a way to break this circle, to get out of this repeat. I'm saying it's the second year like that but I think I've done this more times actually. I have this thing, I don't know what's going on, it's mental, I start the year excited because it's the beginning of the year. Then after seeing that by August I'm still deep, I lose hope. Tehnically you can save yourself in any part of the year, it could be December but, I don't know, it's a mental block. I'm seeing myself doing the exact same thing, giving up on the rest of the year. I wish I was more enthusiastic about quitting porn, I wish I was more positive, but this addiction is driving me crazy. Failing continuously makes me lose my mind. I'm not Michael Jordan.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

PMO x 1


Yes, the relapse. I got drunk, which killed my alcohol streak... and went straight to PMO without any resistance... I have a feeling I will return here to document more PMOs... I never do this without a binge...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
The worst pain when you are an alcohol addict is not drinking, it's that particular time when you fall asleep because of being drunk, wake up and feel that feeling of low and want to drink more. Should I continue drinking and tomorrow go to work? That's the thing. That's the pain. That feeling after waking up. Ironically, in my case, this phase is what I would call "The truth serum" because the most all out, reveal everything about me, tell my intimate secrets, happened in this "post-euphoric drinking" phase. Not necessarely after waking up, but getting drunk, then there comes that phase where it looks like "I am sober now" but I'm not cause the alcohol is not completely out of my system and then catch me in a moment like this and I will probably tel you absolutely everything. Then I would really sober out and freak out about telling everything. I've done this already with my parents, the reason they know about my depression and about my social anxiety and alcohol problems is because of that "truth serum" phase. But for some reason, even during that, I never talked about porn addiction, never. Why? Is this shit so powerful? Is the shame of this so strong?
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
This fuckin porn will the death of me. I am so fuckin mad at the situation, I'm so fuckin mad that after all those years we are still talking about me jerking off to porn.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
What the fuck will happened to me? Will I ever have a life? Maybe I should stop saying I can do it myself and look for help. I have this feeling that I've wasted a few years of my life already for not looking for help and that if I found help I would regret the fuck out of this period of just wasting my time.
 
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