Escape and never come back

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Porn has an incredible ability for destruction in our lives. It turns everything upside down and makes for a world in which the things that matter are forgotten - and the things that don't matter are all you can think about. It's just like you said - that your mental health doesn't matter, your life doesn't matter. Of course this isn't true, your own health is pretty much all that matters, it's a number one priority. But porn fucks with your mind like that because it wants you to go back again and again, no matter how destructive it is for you.

Keep at it! The longer you stay away the more you realise that porn has got nothing of value to offer you.
 
Porn has an incredible ability for destruction in our lives. It turns everything upside down and makes for a world in which the things that matter are forgotten - and the things that don't matter are all you can think about. It's just like you said - that your mental health doesn't matter, your life doesn't matter. Of course this isn't true, your own health is pretty much all that matters, it's a number one priority. But porn fucks with your mind like that because it wants you to go back again and again, no matter how destructive it is for you.

Keep at it! The longer you stay away the more you realise that porn has got nothing of value to offer you.
What he said(y)
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Porn has an incredible ability for destruction in our lives. It turns everything upside down and makes for a world in which the things that matter are forgotten - and the things that don't matter are all you can think about. It's just like you said - that your mental health doesn't matter, your life doesn't matter. Of course this isn't true, your own health is pretty much all that matters, it's a number one priority. But porn fucks with your mind like that because it wants you to go back again and again, no matter how destructive it is for you.

Keep at it! The longer you stay away the more you realise that porn has got nothing of value to offer you.
Not only porn, I guess all addictions do this. They become the thing that your day happens around. To some people like me, they can even become the most important thing in our lives. An addiction actually has this ability, it narrows your life, everything else becomes boring and only the addiction remains the only interesting thing, even this eventually stops being interesting at all.

I'm assuming that many people have this problem, during the withdrawal the consequences don't matter anymore for them, they don't feel the same motivation as the day of relapse. It happens to me. It's easy to super motivate myself after a binge but not after a week. After relapses, I immediately search for videos, watch things, read things etc. I tell myself I know how to beat it next, I will keep in mind all the negatives and positives but then when urges hit me all that is past.

But at the end of the day, what is this porn addiction to me? And alcohol too, I should say: Withdrawal and self-medication. A relapse with both for me servers those 2 purposes: The fix for the withdrawal (which in my case is disguised as "I want that pleasure" but pleasure is the relief of withdrawal) and medicating my shit life. I know I "forget" the consequences and the benefits, I know I don't fully want to quit 100% but lately I've been looking at urges as withdrawal, it's supposed to happen but it won't last forever. I'm trying to simplify things because it can get complicated with all the variables in my life but at the core of the problem urges are withdrawal. Of course, many porn addicts (and maybe addicts in general), if they belong to the group of self-medicating people, will eventually need to make changes in their lives to maximize the chances of keeping the addiction away but I like what William used to say on his thread, do the hard 90 first, go the first 90 days without porn, treat it as withdrawal, treat it as number 1 priority, detach yourself from the hypersexual thoughts and then other problems will seem easier. Porn addiction has this ability to kill the positivity in us, to kill the drive, to create high neuroticism, everything becomes hard and overwhelming, my shit life becomes overwhelming but even after 1 month (during my couple of occasions when I've reached that) I felt that my life could be changed. Binge, return back to binge under 10 days as usual and then Bam! I can't change my life, it's too hard. That's what happens.

Anyway, long rant. Thanks for the support.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 7

Nothing changed in a few days. I'm experiencing only anxiety, panic and depression. Besides those, I am completely numb, I don't feel anything else. Sleep is a joke. All those are pushing me hard towards some porn for comfort. Or some drinking. I'm 8 days sober.

Today I remembered that in 18 days from now I have my yearly medical exams at work and the last two (I've been working here for 3 years) have been a complete disaster because of my high (crippling) social anxiety. This damn social anxiety has been impacted the quality of my life since I was 14. It killed dating opportunities, friendship opportunities, job opportunities, career opportunities. It has been dictating everything I've done in my life since. It makes me super nervous, I avoid it. That's how it worked. Soon to be 20 years suffering from this shit if I don't do something about it. Here is the thing: Since I found out that porn and PMO cand develop social anxiety I've been betting all my chips on this. "I will quit porn and with this my social anxiety will be gone!" Can I be entirely sure that my high social anxiety has been caused by too much porn and PMO binges? The thing I know is that when I stay away from porn my social anxiety is lower and this only reinforces my belief. And my social anxiety starting with my daily masturbation habit (to porn flashbacks and porn induced fantasies) at 14 also reinforces the belief. I didn't have social anxiety before I started betting my meat literally every single day. And it became crippling around the age of 17-18 when my daily dose was watch porn anytime you can and PMO as many times as you physically can do it.

The little addicted brain tells me that since I have 18 days left until the medical exams, I could PMO a little bit today and then abstain for 18 days.

Listen, that would make 25 days without porn if I make it to the exams without a relapse. Will it be enough to lower my anxiety so I can function there without making a fool out of myself? Like I've said already, the last 2 have been a disaster, I went there after porn binges (as I like to do, and sabotage myself), especially the exam before I started work, which was horrible. All because of having super high social anxiety there. I remember I had to take a psychological exam where I had to answer a lot of questions (like 60?) on a paper, it looked like Minnesota test or something, not with so many questions, Minnesota has like 500 but that sort of test with all kind of questions, I bullshitted my way through it then I was invited to talk to two women psychiatrists or whatever they are. They didn't say anything about the test but started asking me all sorts of questions and I was so nervous and it was visible, one of them told me about it and the whole situation made me feel like a complete loser. If this time I will repeat the same stupid thing I might drink myself to a coma. Will 25 days be enough for me to do well there? Sometimes I forget what impact this stupid social anxiety has had on me for such a long time. It's ultra uncomfortable to talk about it, it makes me feel like a complete loser.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
You can do 25 days :). Do it! It can only be helpful and there's nothing to lose!
Yes, thank you, I hope I can make it to 25 days. It's a big number for me but not imposible, as I've done it already, maybe only once or twice but it doesn't matter, I guess if you can do it once you can do it again. The key here for now is to not start drinking again because I almost always binge porn when I am drunk.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Today, for the first time this month in 20 goddamn days I felt better mentally. I have 9 days without alcohol too. It works, as long as you stay connected to the perspective and don't leave rooms for stupid mistakes. It's incredible how yesterday you can feel like shit, today feel great and maybe tomorrow you will feel like shit again, it fluctuates but it's normal with porn rebooting.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 10

"Reddish leaves swirl in the wind like lost souls in search of rest. Like an open sketchbook focused on my dreams, this land is forever pictured as a comforting Autumn dusk. Replete with a golden sky, with crackling river water and bubbling marshes that dot the land, it feels like a Romantic artist's canvas.

Upon further investigation I have sensed horrendous visions of a gnarled doom, decorated as a picturesque facade in this endless autumn dusk. Spiny trees root deep into the foul earth, licking the ground dry of all that is good.

Carcasses populate the brush, their putrid remains swallowed whole by the land. And corners of this malevolent area are teeming with vicious ungodly prey, all whilst the grass stretches over this land twisting together like veins of pulsating sinew, as if the ground were alive, keen of the inhabitants that parade on its back.

Beady, black, soulless eyes flash across the air. Tiny, quick winged bats streak through the bright sky, flying razors waiting for the perfect moment to descend. As they swoop by I see sharp, bloodied teeth, a wicked demonic smile. From the darting blurs I hear an ominous whistling that chills my soul. They own the skies here.

Wraithlike, hooded minions, overseers without heart or soul, patrol this land. Slash-and-stitch techniques permeate their faces and arms, patched together like cheap quilts, using the skin from the bodies of rank corpses. They gather and live like packs of rabid wolves, instigating fights for supremacy. These abominations thirst for my destruction. They are mostly clustered around footpaths that seem to traverse upward along a Cliffside, but alternate groupings are planted among watering holes and the hollowed trees.

Further down the path it is as if the shadows are swallowing the surroundings whole, without a penchant of logic or drop of meaning. It is as if the only reason for this actually lies in darkness itself. Like royalty that rules the black void, entombed in the night infinite.

It is she, the Eternal Mistress of Shadows."
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 13

"I believe that most human beings are only living at about 40% of their capability. The mind has a governor like a car. If you're driving a car and the car has a governor on it, the car might say 130 miles an hour but the governor is set for 91. Once that governor sets in, you get to 91, the car wants to go but that factory says, 'Nah, we're not going past 91.'

We have a factory, a nice governor in our brain, and it's the survival mechanism, it protects us from pain and suffering. The second we feel that shit, our mind says, 'Oh no, this isn't fun! We should back off. We should sit down and find something more comfortable.' And there is something about the mind: The mind has the tactical advantage over you, at all times. Why is that? It knows what you're afraid of. It knows your insecurities, it knows your deep dark lies. And it starts to push you away from that shit. It pushes you in a direction that it's comfortable. The mind controls everything. So what I realized was that, when I was growing up and I was 300 pounds and insecure, I realized that my mind kept taking me in this direction that when things got uncomfortable for me, when I was facing my insecurities, I was facing my fears, my mind said, 'Oh no, we have a tactical advantage. We'll get you and separate you from this feeling.' It's all about feelings. We want the happy feeling. We don't want that feeling of 'This sucks'.'Why am I here?'

You get to 40%, you brain says, 'We're done. Let's roll, man! This is starting to get painful. This is uncomfortable.' We all have these things about 5 steps to this and 4 steps to this, it's a lot more than that, that's all bullshit. So if you know that at 40% I'm feeling pain, that's where the 40% rule kicks in, now it starts. 'Okay, I'm feeling pain, my mind is saying all this shit to me. Get out of here! Run! We're done! We're not good enough.' You start to believe it! Cause the mind controls all. This is the time when you have to gain the control back from you mind. 'It's okay, let me see if I can get to 45%.' Once you start giving yourself more and more hope, the mind starts to be like, 'What are you doing? We're supposed to be going right and you're going left.' You start then controlling your mind. You start finding more in yourself and go from 40% to a lot further than that. Get to the spot where your mind is saying, 'Stop!' Whatever that is. You gotta get there first. And that's where that shit starts working for you. You gotta control yourself in that moment."

- David Goggins
 
Top