Escape and never come back

daylight

New Member
hey man I don't have much to say, except that I'm in a similar place, 31 and been coping with porn and alcohol for a long time. I feel the same way about opening up to someone in real life, ashamed that I'm so immature and that I didn't take this seriously earlier, but I know I have to do it in order to get better, otherwise I just end up in the same old cycle. Hope you find the strength to get back on track
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I know that feeling, I have been the same all of my adult life - feeling like a kid or a teenager, emotionally immature and no idea what to do about it. I didn’t want help either, it took a breakup with the only girlfriend I’ve ever had for me to realise I had to get better. I was left with no friends, no network and no way to connect with anyone. So I bit the bullet, went to a therapist and it got me going with the things I needed to do.

I’m 35 now, that was 3 years ago. Believe me, it’s not too late to do that. The only thing you need is the willingness to talk to someone about your situation, like you said. Being exposed is not a bad thing here.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I know that feeling, I have been the same all of my adult life - feeling like a kid or a teenager, emotionally immature and no idea what to do about it. I didn’t want help either, it took a breakup with the only girlfriend I’ve ever had for me to realise I had to get better. I was left with no friends, no network and no way to connect with anyone. So I bit the bullet, went to a therapist and it got me going with the things I needed to do.

I’m 35 now, that was 3 years ago. Believe me, it’s not too late to do that. The only thing you need is the willingness to talk to someone about your situation, like you said. Being exposed is not a bad thing here.
Hey, man! Thanks for the help.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
hey man I don't have much to say, except that I'm in a similar place, 31 and been coping with porn and alcohol for a long time. I feel the same way about opening up to someone in real life, ashamed that I'm so immature and that I didn't take this seriously earlier, but I know I have to do it in order to get better, otherwise I just end up in the same old cycle. Hope you find the strength to get back on track
You know, I think in my case I ended up using porn as a way of dealing with life and as a result I didn't learn normal ways to deal with life and ended up more immature than I should be. I didn't really grow.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

My porn recovery is absolutely disastrous at the moment. I have 8 days without alcohol but I'm not sure it's going to last. I'm too depressed, I will probably seek alcohol comfort at one point.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

Feeling like shit. Life is a chore right now. I'm not excited about the day. I know it changes when I stay away from porn. But the key word here is "when". When I stay away from porn. I'm pretty devastated by how I started this month, binging, not having any control, losing myself completely. This is not what I'd wanted. This summer things looked promising but after relapsing at the end of August I got very dishearten. It looks just like last year. It's actually a mirror replica: Starting with big enthusiasm, "This year I'm done with porn", having some longer streaks then crashing hard in the second part of the year, entering a depressive phase and losing hope about the rest of the year. It's the same fucking shit. I can seriously be called "The deja vu guy". My life is really a circle that I spin in. It's like a hamster wheel; Running like crazy but going nowhere. And I haven't figured out a way to break this circle, to get out of this repeat. I'm saying it's the second year like that but I think I've done this more times actually. I have this thing, I don't know what's going on, it's mental, I start the year excited because it's the beginning of the year. Then after seeing that by August I'm still deep, I lose hope. Tehnically you can save yourself in any part of the year, it could be December but, I don't know, it's a mental block. I'm seeing myself doing the exact same thing, giving up on the rest of the year. I wish I was more enthusiastic about quitting porn, I wish I was more positive, but this addiction is driving me crazy. Failing continuously makes me lose my mind. I'm not Michael Jordan.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

PMO x 1


Yes, the relapse. I got drunk, which killed my alcohol streak... and went straight to PMO without any resistance... I have a feeling I will return here to document more PMOs... I never do this without a binge...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
The worst pain when you are an alcohol addict is not drinking, it's that particular time when you fall asleep because of being drunk, wake up and feel that feeling of low and want to drink more. Should I continue drinking and tomorrow go to work? That's the thing. That's the pain. That feeling after waking up. Ironically, in my case, this phase is what I would call "The truth serum" because the most all out, reveal everything about me, tell my intimate secrets, happened in this "post-euphoric drinking" phase. Not necessarely after waking up, but getting drunk, then there comes that phase where it looks like "I am sober now" but I'm not cause the alcohol is not completely out of my system and then catch me in a moment like this and I will probably tel you absolutely everything. Then I would really sober out and freak out about telling everything. I've done this already with my parents, the reason they know about my depression and about my social anxiety and alcohol problems is because of that "truth serum" phase. But for some reason, even during that, I never talked about porn addiction, never. Why? Is this shit so powerful? Is the shame of this so strong?
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
This fuckin porn will the death of me. I am so fuckin mad at the situation, I'm so fuckin mad that after all those years we are still talking about me jerking off to porn.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
What the fuck will happened to me? Will I ever have a life? Maybe I should stop saying I can do it myself and look for help. I have this feeling that I've wasted a few years of my life already for not looking for help and that if I found help I would regret the fuck out of this period of just wasting my time.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
I think there's a clear action step in front of you right now: ask for help. You have circled around it a ton, but never done it. It's tough, but I think that's just the price of freedom for you! If you aren't willing to pay that price, then freedom will be very hard to achieve. If you want to but just can't....well, why not? Find those reasons and work through them, or better yet just take a deep breath and do it without even listening to the reasons.

Here's one idea: make a plan for what steps you would take if you were seeking help, very concrete and specific. Find the organization you would use, find the number or email you would contact them with, draft the email or conversation... Then sometime, just do it. Make the barriers to it as small as you can, to give your willpower a boost.Then just do it sometime.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I think there's a clear action step in front of you right now: ask for help. You have circled around it a ton, but never done it. It's tough, but I think that's just the price of freedom for you! If you aren't willing to pay that price, then freedom will be very hard to achieve. If you want to but just can't....well, why not? Find those reasons and work through them, or better yet just take a deep breath and do it without even listening to the reasons.

Here's one idea: make a plan for what steps you would take if you were seeking help, very concrete and specific. Find the organization you would use, find the number or email you would contact them with, draft the email or conversation... Then sometime, just do it. Make the barriers to it as small as you can, to give your willpower a boost.Then just do it sometime.
Yes, you're absolutely right.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

I got drunk yesterday which broke my alcohol streak. Lately, when I get drunk, I don't sleep well. I sleep some hours but wake up tired as if I didn't sleep at all. And I experienced hangover drinking a quantity that didn't use to give me a hangover, it's ridiculous. It's like my body had enough and is trying to tell me to stop with this drinking. The thing about addictions is that you are not the same addict forever, you are not the same addict 10 years from now, especially with substances.

Then why day 0? I had two porn watching sessions today. The first one was for comfort because I was feeling bad, tired and hangovered. I guess the second one came with the chase effect. I didn't PMO, I didn't touch my dick but I watched porn, I can't say I'm clean today. Fuckin shit.

I've lost control completely, this month has been a disaster, what happened? And it's true that porn makes you deal with stress worse. I'm having a really tough time with the stress. Plus crippling social anxiety at work. I guess this is the price I have to pay for comfort.
 
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