Escape and never come back

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
My mental health is absolutely a joke. I have very high general anxiety and crippling social anxiety with physical manifestations (to be understood: getting sick and heart palpitations). This goes for anybody reading this who wants to keep binging. And for the idiot me who's been binging since the beginning of this month. Life is absolutely great binging porn, what can I say. I am barely holding everything together, I can barely focus to do my job at work. If this is not a wake up call for me I deserve my faith.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I really need to stay connected to my perspective. I've been ignoring the poor quality of my life for too long. I mean, wtf is this? I give up completely on the rest of the year? Why? Because September is the worst month this year recovery-wise? Fuck that, by spring next year I could be out of the shadow and finally do the things that I've wanted to do for too long. I need to gather myself again and repeat the same mentality and tactics that I've used during the longer streaks. I went through a more stressful period than usual and I just gave up completely and used porn for comfort but wtf is that? I can't use porn every time I'm stress! I really need to do this.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
All I see is the pleasure. "Where is my sexual life?" and all that. Nothing matters anymore when urges hit me. My mental health doesn't matter, my life doesn't matter, it's sad that this is what I've been reduced to. Of course they matter but I don't feel it. I don't feel that thing, however the fuck should I call it, the motivation, the fear whatever the fuck it is. I can't fuckin quit this porn shit, I'm so fuckin depressed, I'm tired of everything and living my life like this.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Porn has an incredible ability for destruction in our lives. It turns everything upside down and makes for a world in which the things that matter are forgotten - and the things that don't matter are all you can think about. It's just like you said - that your mental health doesn't matter, your life doesn't matter. Of course this isn't true, your own health is pretty much all that matters, it's a number one priority. But porn fucks with your mind like that because it wants you to go back again and again, no matter how destructive it is for you.

Keep at it! The longer you stay away the more you realise that porn has got nothing of value to offer you.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Porn has an incredible ability for destruction in our lives. It turns everything upside down and makes for a world in which the things that matter are forgotten - and the things that don't matter are all you can think about. It's just like you said - that your mental health doesn't matter, your life doesn't matter. Of course this isn't true, your own health is pretty much all that matters, it's a number one priority. But porn fucks with your mind like that because it wants you to go back again and again, no matter how destructive it is for you.

Keep at it! The longer you stay away the more you realise that porn has got nothing of value to offer you.
What he said(y)
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Porn has an incredible ability for destruction in our lives. It turns everything upside down and makes for a world in which the things that matter are forgotten - and the things that don't matter are all you can think about. It's just like you said - that your mental health doesn't matter, your life doesn't matter. Of course this isn't true, your own health is pretty much all that matters, it's a number one priority. But porn fucks with your mind like that because it wants you to go back again and again, no matter how destructive it is for you.

Keep at it! The longer you stay away the more you realise that porn has got nothing of value to offer you.
Not only porn, I guess all addictions do this. They become the thing that your day happens around. To some people like me, they can even become the most important thing in our lives. An addiction actually has this ability, it narrows your life, everything else becomes boring and only the addiction remains the only interesting thing, even this eventually stops being interesting at all.

I'm assuming that many people have this problem, during the withdrawal the consequences don't matter anymore for them, they don't feel the same motivation as the day of relapse. It happens to me. It's easy to super motivate myself after a binge but not after a week. After relapses, I immediately search for videos, watch things, read things etc. I tell myself I know how to beat it next, I will keep in mind all the negatives and positives but then when urges hit me all that is past.

But at the end of the day, what is this porn addiction to me? And alcohol too, I should say: Withdrawal and self-medication. A relapse with both for me servers those 2 purposes: The fix for the withdrawal (which in my case is disguised as "I want that pleasure" but pleasure is the relief of withdrawal) and medicating my shit life. I know I "forget" the consequences and the benefits, I know I don't fully want to quit 100% but lately I've been looking at urges as withdrawal, it's supposed to happen but it won't last forever. I'm trying to simplify things because it can get complicated with all the variables in my life but at the core of the problem urges are withdrawal. Of course, many porn addicts (and maybe addicts in general), if they belong to the group of self-medicating people, will eventually need to make changes in their lives to maximize the chances of keeping the addiction away but I like what William used to say on his thread, do the hard 90 first, go the first 90 days without porn, treat it as withdrawal, treat it as number 1 priority, detach yourself from the hypersexual thoughts and then other problems will seem easier. Porn addiction has this ability to kill the positivity in us, to kill the drive, to create high neuroticism, everything becomes hard and overwhelming, my shit life becomes overwhelming but even after 1 month (during my couple of occasions when I've reached that) I felt that my life could be changed. Binge, return back to binge under 10 days as usual and then Bam! I can't change my life, it's too hard. That's what happens.

Anyway, long rant. Thanks for the support.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 7

Nothing changed in a few days. I'm experiencing only anxiety, panic and depression. Besides those, I am completely numb, I don't feel anything else. Sleep is a joke. All those are pushing me hard towards some porn for comfort. Or some drinking. I'm 8 days sober.

Today I remembered that in 18 days from now I have my yearly medical exams at work and the last two (I've been working here for 3 years) have been a complete disaster because of my high (crippling) social anxiety. This damn social anxiety has been impacted the quality of my life since I was 14. It killed dating opportunities, friendship opportunities, job opportunities, career opportunities. It has been dictating everything I've done in my life since. It makes me super nervous, I avoid it. That's how it worked. Soon to be 20 years suffering from this shit if I don't do something about it. Here is the thing: Since I found out that porn and PMO cand develop social anxiety I've been betting all my chips on this. "I will quit porn and with this my social anxiety will be gone!" Can I be entirely sure that my high social anxiety has been caused by too much porn and PMO binges? The thing I know is that when I stay away from porn my social anxiety is lower and this only reinforces my belief. And my social anxiety starting with my daily masturbation habit (to porn flashbacks and porn induced fantasies) at 14 also reinforces the belief. I didn't have social anxiety before I started betting my meat literally every single day. And it became crippling around the age of 17-18 when my daily dose was watch porn anytime you can and PMO as many times as you physically can do it.

The little addicted brain tells me that since I have 18 days left until the medical exams, I could PMO a little bit today and then abstain for 18 days.

Listen, that would make 25 days without porn if I make it to the exams without a relapse. Will it be enough to lower my anxiety so I can function there without making a fool out of myself? Like I've said already, the last 2 have been a disaster, I went there after porn binges (as I like to do, and sabotage myself), especially the exam before I started work, which was horrible. All because of having super high social anxiety there. I remember I had to take a psychological exam where I had to answer a lot of questions (like 60?) on a paper, it looked like Minnesota test or something, not with so many questions, Minnesota has like 500 but that sort of test with all kind of questions, I bullshitted my way through it then I was invited to talk to two women psychiatrists or whatever they are. They didn't say anything about the test but started asking me all sorts of questions and I was so nervous and it was visible, one of them told me about it and the whole situation made me feel like a complete loser. If this time I will repeat the same stupid thing I might drink myself to a coma. Will 25 days be enough for me to do well there? Sometimes I forget what impact this stupid social anxiety has had on me for such a long time. It's ultra uncomfortable to talk about it, it makes me feel like a complete loser.
 
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