Escape and never come back

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
The road to success isn't straightforward & it certainly isn't pretty. As ugly as things seem right now, you're still on it. Don't regret missing out on today, do something, anything to push yourself back in the direction between where you need to go.

I know you like this guy so i'll leave this very-much-related quote here for you:

"True effort most times does not look pretty. Most times it takes all that you have and then some. You will come out bruised, blistered, and calloused and if you survived that effort to get to the other side of whatever it is, a new you is born. " - David Goggins


P.S. - And listen to Dungalef, seriously consider therapy too!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
The road to success isn't straightforward & it certainly isn't pretty. As ugly as things seem right now, you're still on it. Don't regret missing out on today, do something, anything to push yourself back in the direction between where you need to go.

I know you like this guy so i'll leave this very-much-related quote here for you:

"True effort most times does not look pretty. Most times it takes all that you have and then some. You will come out bruised, blistered, and calloused and if you survived that effort to get to the other side of whatever it is, a new you is born. " - David Goggins

P.S. - And listen to Dungalef, seriously consider therapy too!
Of course, David Goggins is the shit. I'm very far from that though.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3 to the wonderful Day Zero on October 11

This fuckin porn fucked me up. I can't even concentrate. As I was out of that stressful period, I decided to finally start my diet and focus on it but today I said fuck it and I ate compulsively for "comfort".
 

Blondie

Respected Member
My man, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. I mean seriously, if I could digitally bitch slap you right now I would! 👊, not out of hatred but out of brotherly love. You just had a hell of a streak, and you need, no, you must, congratulate yourself on that accomplishment. There is no gain in being hard on yourself at this moment, I mean literally, nothing at all.

You say you're a Christian, which is a great, I have total respect. But I have a question for you. Why did Jesus die on the cross to save us from our sins? He died because he loved us first, that's why. Okay, following that train of thought, why would a man die for his wife or children? Because he loved them first, that's why. Okay, following that train of thought, why would a man save himself from his addictions? Because he loved himself first, that's why.

One does love himself after he saves himself, no, he saves himself because he loved himself first. That's how it works brother.

I know you think you're shit. But that's not true.

I know you think you're too old to get your shit together, and thus, it must be all for naught. Again, not true.

I know you think you'll never get a girl, also not true. But even if it was true, having a girl does not make one a man. There are plenty of men with "girls" who I would never call a man. And honestly, the way you are now, the girls you would attract would be girls that hate themselves just as much as you hate yourself. Like attracts like, it's a simple as that, and right now, you would attract women who would use you to fill something missing in themselves, and likewise you with them. A woman won't save you brother, only you can and your God.

You need to find a purpose in life @Escapeandnevercomeback, like Jesus had and all the people in the Bible and Christian history. Maybe yours could be: learn to love yourself first, then, get over these addictions, and lastly, go to school (or not) and start a program or online business to help others get over their addictions. What a powerful story you would have, but you have to believe in it first.

You are worth saving, but you won't be able to save yourself until you can believe that.

Maybe it's time to get some professional help, and not care what your parents or society thinks.

Love yourself brother and lend yourself a helping hand.

Best

Love Blondie

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
My man, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. I mean seriously, if I could digitally bitch slap you right now I would! 👊, not out of hatred but out of brotherly love. You just had a hell of a streak, and you need, no, you must, congratulate yourself on that accomplishment. There is no gain in being hard on yourself at this moment, I mean literally, nothing at all.

You say you're a Christian, which is a great, I have total respect. But I have a question for you. Why did Jesus die on the cross to save us from our sins? He died because he loved us first, that's why. Okay, following that train of thought, why would a man die for his wife or children? Because he loved them first, that's why. Okay, following that train of thought, why would a man save himself from his addictions? Because he loved himself first, that's why.

One does love himself after he saves himself, no, he saves himself because he loved himself first. That's how it works brother.

I know you think you're shit. But that's not true.

I know you think you're too old to get your shit together, and thus, it must be all for naught. Again, not true.

I know you think you'll never get a girl, also not true. But even if it was true, having a girl does not make one a man. There are plenty of men with "girls" who I would never call a man. And honestly, the way you are now, the girls you would attract would be girls that hate themselves just as much as you hate yourself. Like attracts like, it's a simple as that, and right now, you would attract women who would use you to fill something missing in themselves, and likewise you with them. A woman won't save you brother, only you can and your God.

You need to find a purpose in life @Escapeandnevercomeback, like Jesus had and all the people in the Bible and Christian history. Maybe yours could be: learn to love yourself first, then, get over these addictions, and lastly, go to school (or not) and start a program or online business to help others get over their addictions. What a powerful story you would have, but you have to believe in it first.

You are worth saving, but you won't be able to save yourself until you can believe that.

Maybe it's time to get some professional help, and not care what your parents or society thinks.

Love yourself brother and lend yourself a helping hand.

Best

Love Blondie

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
I know, bro, you're probably right. Not easy to do but I'll try.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know what you're saying, but 'longer streaks' are NEVER accidental. They have to be on purpose, and typically (for me) after I've changed some routine behavior that wasn't serving me.
You know what happens to me, man? When I have longer streaks, it comes as a consequence of doing things the right way. During the last streak, I stood away from drinking, I practiced my keep the dopamine low idea and it worked. It's when I make a mistake that I relapse. This time, like many other times, was getting drunk. And I knew how it was going to end but I didn't stop myself. I listened to the addicted brain again. You know what's ironic? The day before getting drunk I told myself exactly this: "This is starting to be a rhythm, I feel like I could go on like this forever, sometimes urges hit me but I seem to handle it well, the only thing that could sabotage me now is getting drunk." I was in the middle of a 25 days sobriety streak. Next day what do I do? Buy something to drink. What the fuck did you say yesterday? So that's that. Addictions work in circles. You get caught in those routines, those repetitions, things happen in the same way. It's the same thing: "You can handle a little bit of drinking, just make a powerful commitment to staying porn free, the most important thing now for you is quitting porn, anyway, you don't really have to quit everything." And then BAM! You know how it's going to end anyway but you keep doing the same thing thinking this time is going to be different. Did I tell you the definition of insanity?
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Given the brutal truth that my last streak was once again affected by my drinking, I think it's even more important now to quit alcohol. Besides the fact that I don't like what I turn into when I'm drunk. I become a raging, violent alcoholic. It's not fun to be around me when I'm drunk, everybody knows this from my father to coworkers, back to a guy from high school that I used to drink with.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Talking about that guy from high school, the poor guy was the first one to see the beginning of my drunken rage. We would start drinking but once I got drunk, I would turn into an animal. I would go like: "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck that teacher, fuck the bullies, fuck that guy from our class!" Screaming obscenities about everybody and everything and saying my life was shit. I could get verbally and physically violent. I pushed my mom once and another time I grabbed her by the throat while being drunk. I could not even get out of the room the next morning out of shame. The depression level I would get into when I got drunk was incredible. You could not even come close to convincing me that the answer is not the rope. The wildest, sickest, craziest suicide fantasies I've ever had happened during alcohol sessions that ended with me out cold and the worse hangovers ever. There was a time in my life when I had a rope (not acquired to serve as suicide tool) and a place to hang myself (not created for this purpose). I would get super drunk and fantasize about doing it. I even had some sessions where I grabbed the rope, looked at it, wrap it around my neck and stuff like that, for some reason I never went further with the "playing" and climbed some chair. That's how some killed themselves "by mistake" and although they had suicidal ideation, they didn't really want to do it. They say Keith Flint from The Prodigy killed himself by accident. If it was the case, I can see how you could do something like this. I almost got there.

What happened to me was that I could remember everything. One of my cousins, who is seven years older than me, and also had drinking problems and fights with people and who also turned into a raging violent alcoholic like me, could not remember anything after falling asleep and waking up.

The thing about my alcoholism is that it has a story in my family. Two people died alcoholics: One of my grandfathers and one uncle (who was only 40). The nuts thing is that I was present at both funerals that basically happened not too far from each other. But I was a kid and too young to even realize what was going on, I don't have any recollection of understanding what was happening. Both that grandfather and that uncle were from my father's side and the crazy thing is my dad never really drank in his life, he rarely got drunk and getting drunk to be understood like drinking maybe 1-2 more glasses then saying: "Yo, man, I've had to much, I'll stop here." and go to sleep. I think it's because he is more like his mom. My dad says I am a lot like his dad, both in personality and in drinking habit. I can tell he is disappointed with me taking this habit. Both my parents are. I don't know if alcoholism runs in families, some people say it does because there are many cases with alcoholic parents and alcoholic offspring.

I've always had a thing for alcohol. I started drinking when I was younger than 15. Not a lot and not often, my real drinking habit started when I was 17-18, but I remember that, when me and my 1 year older cousin messed with some alcohol, things "clicked" in my head. Here is the thing: Pleasure and pain are the two faces of the same coin. Pleasure replaces pain and then pain comes back and replaces pleasure. It's a cycle. And something happened deep there in my subconscious, it was something like: "Hey, you can use this euphoria to take a break from the pain." That Abracadabra happened there and it was the start of everything. What often happens is that those things to many people don't happen in the conscious, they are not aware of this process until maybe years later, it took me a long time to actually bring that into the conscious and understand what the hell was going on and what I was doing. I wonder if alcohol had the same effect on me if I wasn't bullied as a kid. Because that urge to escape from the pain was the urge to escape from the pain of bullying. It was a small step before I started liking alcohol and porn, a.k.a the only two things I could get my hands on. They "help me" take a break from the pain. Fortunately, it wasn't drugs, probably I would've been a heroin addict by the age of 20. Or earlier.

Like David Goggins says, addressing is an important part of the process. You address it, you bring it to the light, you look at it (writing helps with looking at it better and longer and in more details) and then you can see what's going on and what you need to work on. The 12 steps also have something like this, it's step 4 where you make an inventory of yourself, you write down everything, you write down all the people you hate, you take a look at what happened in your life, where you made the mistakes etc. It probably helps to analyze things like that.

What's ironic is that, with two family members dying alcoholic, I never stood away from alcohol. I said: "This will definitely not happen to me. Let me tell you something, it happened to them because they drank vodka every day, but I don't drink every day, I drink once in a while and not vodka so I'm good to go." I said this when my drinking frequency was probably twice a month. Now it's a few times a week. Well, technically, it hasn't been like this for a month. I only drank once.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I love how @Blondie takes a concept and totally Blondiefies it😜😜😜
lol right on, I have my "own" style. I'll let my English teacher know that :cool:

Best to you @Escapeandnevercomeback, You got this man. Sometimes it's good to take a step back and regroup, and think about all the whys and reasons you do what you do, and how it all started from your family environment and school, and then their family environment etc., and all the way back to who knows when, which it looks like you're doing!

I don't know if alcoholism runs in families, some people say it does because there are many cases with alcoholic parents and alcoholic offspring.
Yeah I don't know if it "officially" runs in families or if it's genetics or a combination of both. I generally think it's just a habitual familial phenomenon, where a son sees his father or mother "deal" with their problems with drinking or you fill in the blank, and thus, when they're older, they "fix" themselves the same way. I tend to think these "problems" might be more generational than the actually substances we use to "forget" them. Who knows, but to put a stop to it and say the buck stops here, is definitely the manly thing to do.

Families are interesting. People often talk about family drama, but for many of us, it's family trauma lol. It is what it is.

However, you're on the right track just thinking about it all.

Best to you man. 👍👍
 
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Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
"This is starting to be a rhythm, I feel like I could go on like this forever, sometimes urges hit me but I seem to handle it well, the only thing that could sabotage me now is getting drunk." I was in the middle of a 25 days sobriety streak. Next day what do I do? Buy something to drink. What the fuck did you say yesterday?

Good news is that you recognized what it takes to abstain for 25 days, so? Just keep going. Sure, you fell down. Sure, you contradicted yourself. But you know what? (And you know this because you're familiar with Jack Trimpey's work) We're often of 'two-minds' about this stuff, ambivalent, duplicitous. Our lower brain with its urges, and masquerading as 'us' will often trick us when we're least expecting it- though it can never use our hands to fire up a browser, or pop open a bottle.

I remember I was going to post on my journal (a while back) that I was 2 months without any episode, and then what happened? The night before, I lapsed! To say I was disappointed in myself would be an understatement. But, I wasn't surprised either. My mind was doing its best to cope with whatever I was feeling at the time, albeit in a misdirected way. But despite what I told myself the night before, bam!

But, we know ourselves by now (right?), we know what works- we know that a lapse is possible if not probable in recovery, and we know that our 'beast-brain' will contradict our rational brain (prefrontal cortex) every time. Sometimes we give in, okay...

We know what we want, we know what's possible. If I can do 25 days, I can do 250 days, there's literally no difference. Most of this stuff is mental, and to a degree physioligical. But the more we say, 'No'- and ignore the urges- those pathways deaden (desensitize), and it will- invariably- get easier and easier.

I know it sucks, and it's not easy especially when we have an all-or-nothing thinking, but I would challenge you just to treat a lapse as a speedbump, and nothing more. Sure, it may slow us down a little, but it doesn't deter us from our goal, from our path. I guarantee you this, the more gentle and understanding (compassionate) you are with yourself, you will binge less and less if or when you do lapse.

Be well, Escape.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yeah I don't know if it "officially" runs in families or if it's genetics or a combination of both. I generally think it's just a habitual familial phenomenon, where a son sees his father or mother "deal" with their problems with drinking or you fill in the blank, and thus, when they're older, they "fix" themselves the same way. I tend to think these "problems" might be more generational than the actually substances we use to "forget" them. Who knows, but to put a stop to it and say the buck stops here, is definitely the manly thing to do.
Yes, in their case maybe but with me those 2 family members were not my parents and I was too young to understand why they drank I just knew they drank too much and then one day one died then the other one. That's all I know. I can't say I know family members who directly told me they drink as a medication. I guess I started drinking because that's what I had around. What I was wondering regarding this is if it's "in the genes" so to speak, as my dad tells me I'm almost his dad in terms of personality traits. But I don't know, I don't know any scientific explanation.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Maybe not necessarely regarding alcohol but regarding some reason why you would drink? I wonder if my grandfather and my uncle had some demons they were fighting and tried to medicate it with drinking.
 
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