Escape and never come back

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
It's only day 1 and I already have urges to PMO... Yesterday was PMO x 3, the last one at 11 P.M, before midnight so it wouldn't go into the next day... Talking about typical porn junkie.
 

GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
@Escapeandnevercomeback
I am sorry I missed to congratulate you on hitting 23 day streak . That’s something I have not done for last 8 years!

whether you’re at day 1 or 7 now doesn’t matter the fact that you can live 23 days without P defines your physical and psychological ability
to abstain and focus !

Setting myself up to beat your 23 day record in 2022!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

Ah, yes, the "Relapse/Restart" treadmill. "I will try again and this time is gon be different" says the pathetic loser. And the cycle keeps going. And the years keep passing on the treadmill. "When are you going to actually reach the 100 miles if you keep running in the same place? Underneath you there is a treadmill and you don't even see it," says the real voice that is suppressed and buried deep inside. Instant gratification is easy, work is hard. Can the pathetic complete loser save himself, really? We're going to find out in the next episode.

What was in the last episode? The pathetic loser in front of his computer behind closed doors salivating at girls from Instagram that he wants to fuck but they don't even know he exists. The view of a guy with his dick in his hand, panting with eyes like frog's, staring at the screen without blinking, throwing to the side all the future plans and his own life for momentary pleasure, was a pathetic sad show.

The pathetic loser will be 32 in a month and a half. He is too old for this pathetic life. Will he actually treat the recovery as if his life depended on it? Because it does.
 
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Ezel

Respected Member
Don't lose hope my man, i know it's not easy, believe me I know. But is it worth the struggle and the suffering, hell yeah it does. No one has made it out from this trap from the first attempt, it's going to be a hell of a rollercoaster ride, sometimes you are up other times you are down. Get yourself up man a remember no one can help you unless you help yourself first.
Good luck champ. You got this...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3

I'm studying about trauma. Dr. Gabor Mate is a great source. I've been watching videos with him for the last 3 days. I finally need to address trauma because I will not be able to quit my addictions without healing from it. When I was about 25 years old I've become aware of what was going on a little bit and I thought that in the following couple of years my trauma was gone but I've been lying to myself in all those years. I will be 32 in a little over a month and I'm still not even close to being free. I'd be lying to myself if I said I am alright with who I am. I'm not. Being in my body is painful. I don't even know who I am or what I want. I've been trying to escape from my painful existence through porn and alcohol for half of my life. I never wanted to talk about suffering from trauma because I felt that it made me look weak in front of everyone and my biggest fear was that girls would see me weak and not want me. In all this time, 17-18 years, if I've learned one thing is that my trauma will not heal itself without me doing something about it, it will not magically vanish by itself. There was a point where I thought it would, like I would grow up enough and the memories of bullying would go away but they didn't. Anyway, to be honest, I'm not even focusing obsessively anymore on quitting porn, although I will try to do it anyway, I will be focusing on healing myself first and hope that this will lead to a better recovery from porn. And I also need to keep myself from starting an everyday drinking habit because killing myself before healing myself is not a good idea. Other than this I don't know what else to say.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
@Escapeandnevercomeback are you reading ‘in the realm of hungry ghosts’ by Gabor Mate, it’s supposed to be really good?
I've read a part of it, I haven't finished it. I've been mostly watching videos with him. I highly recommend him for people who have a suspicion (or know for sure) they deal with trauma. I especially like his definition of trauma. Trauma is not necessarily only traumatic events like a mega car accident or bombs dropping on houses around you like middle east, it can even be stuff like being neglected as a kid by parents, being yelled at by parents, never being good enough, being constantly pushed to be number 1 in school (to name a few things that people might see as "insignificant" but can lead to trauma) and it can move on to stuff that it's probably more recognized like bullying in school. Bullying and a constant disastrous empty lonely social life all my life has led me to where I am now. Dr. Gabor just reinforced what I already knew deep down inside, that I can't quit my addictions without dealing with my trauma. I knew that but I paid little attention until I found him and then it became clear. To try to paraphrase one of his quotes: Trauma is not what happens to you but your reaction to what happened. I guess the bigger the trauma, the bigger the desperation to escape it and the more extreme the addiction can become. He's seen homeless people on the streets addicted to heroin and all of them had crazy life stories to tell that led to intense trauma. It makes perfect sense. I am probably where I am supposed to be with the addiction intensity that I'm supposed to have following what happened to me. This, too, makes perfect sense. Now, as Gabe Deem has pointed it out, porn addiction is a little bit tricky. You can become addicted to porn without being traumatized. But there is a big chunk of people who are traumatized and found porn at a young age as a form of escape. This is my story. I am a "porn junkie", I don't shoot heroin, I "shoot porn". And get drunk. To try to escape the trauma of my past. I know I have done too little about it, maybe that's why I'm still here. But dr. Gabor Mate, indirectly, without knowing, is encouraging me to take actions. Anyway, my point is, anybody should do too. Anybody who knows they are fucked.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 4

As I've said in an early post, my goal now is to heal myself from trauma, trying to abstain from porn blindly with no goal will lead me back to day 1. I don't want to have a perfect streak anymore for a while. Can you have a longer streak by using a short-term tactic? Yes. You can always use the "whatever it takes" approach, have a 30 days streak and feel more energy. If this happens, it will be welcome. But if it doesn't happen... Listen, I know I am desperate. I will be 32 in a month+. I know I don't want any relapses anymore. I know I want the "perfect streak". But I am a traumatized guy, it will probably not happen right away. I need to take action addressing my trauma without half-assing it because so far I haven't treated it seriously. I am sure I will have a better chance to not need anymore "self-medication" in my life once it's not necessary anymore. But for now, for the last few years, I've only been trying to abstain from porn while suffering in solitude and when the urge to escape my pain became unbearable I escaped to porn and alcohol. Do I want to keep repeating this cycle? I don't think I want.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Here is the thing. Nobody knew about how I truly felt. I could only talk about it when I was drunk and I've had several moments like that when I gave my parents details about what was going on. I told them about the bullying, the crippling social anxiety, the problems with alcohol. Isn't it ironic that, despise being drunk out of my mind, I could never bring myself, even in that state where I was completely "fearless", to tell them about my porn addiction? It's really crazy, man. But here is the thing, I thought time would heal me. My mom told me to get over it to stop thinking about it. Then why I am here? Why am I almost 32 and still addicted and still not done with it? Because I don't think that to some people "just forget it" is all they need. Let's look at what bullying can do to one person: You get beaten without having the strength to win against the bullies - It makes you think you are weak. It also brainwashes you into thinking you are an absolute failure good for nothing. The result: You have a 20 years old me who was absolutely sure I was a complete loser, good for nothing, that I was a mistake to be born, I had such a bad self-image that nobody could convince me otherwise at that age. If you came and said: "No, man, I've been watching you, you have all those qualities-" I would've cut you short and said: "I have no qualities, man! i am a failure, I can't do shit! I don't know how to do anything, what qualities?" That was how I saw myself. Every single day. Then you have a guy who is 30 and if he doesn't do something about it, he will feel 2 things: I am a complete loser and I'm weak. That's why I believe learning how to defend yourself is such a must for bullying victims. It addressed the "I am weak and hopeless against attacks" mentality. And we also need to do something about the self-image, how we see ourselves. Being bullied in childhood makes the inner world stay at the state of bricks. You don't proceed further to build your world. Now we need to finally take those bricks and build our inner world. A inner world were we are not failures piece of shit anymore. You can always see what you are good at, what qualities you have, what defects you have, what you can improve, and have a realistic expectation about life and what you can do and become. This means finding out who the fuck you are. But we don't need anymore to suffer like this. I am sad that so much of my life is gone like this. But I guess I can at least save it in my 30's.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

Yes, of course, I seeked refugee in porn. To think that I could just abstain and at the end of this everything will be great, would mean lying to the core of myself. I don't like porn. I use it like valium. God help me find the way to escape valium. Please.
 
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